Beginning of September 2016

Currently I am trying to find the courage to mention to my counselor that I want to start medications. My counselor went on a two week break because when I called to see what time my appointment was awhile back, her voicemail said she would be out of the office for that amount of time. Lately, I've been feeling so down and although counseling is the only thing I really look forward to every week, I am still very depressed after them. I know I am doing good, but my depression always finds it's way back to me no matter how hard I try. I know I have made tremendous progress this past year, but sometimes the hurt and sadness is over-powering. I believe being on medications along with counseling will really help me and give me the relief that I need. The day came to my appointment with Alicia and it was after my psychology class when I was going to mention antidepressants. This seems like such a simple task to do to others, but at this time it was such a big deal for me to ask Alicia this. I want her to believe in me and to know that I am doing better. I don't want her to feel that she's not doing a good job because I'm asking for a doctor's appointment. Even after all this time I still get very nervous when going to my appointments and I've always have but it's more comfortable now that I'm finally settled down. Talking out loud about the things that go on in your head with another person is very uncomfortable because of the state of vulnerability you put yourself in, I am still not used to it. With Christi, Layna and Misty, I always felt the need to put on a show of "happiness" when I was feeling down but eventually I no longer had to pretend. Sometimes in my sessions with Alicia, when we talked about certain subjects like the abuse or the feelings of guilt, I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I tried to hide the fact that I was feeling so much anxiety and I just wanted to step outside. Even after everything I still felt embarrassed to show my emotions because I hated getting pity or having somebody feel sorry for me. I always tried my hardest to open up with Alicia and I ended up connecting more with her than any of my other counselors. I was so glad and relieved that I found someone I could talk too and this made me feel so much better and gave me more hope to hold onto. I am so very close to being balanced and content in everything, my mental health, family life, my friends and school. Around this time in my life, I remembered thinking that once I get on medications and continue seeing Alicia, I will be in a good place (mentally) in life, finally.

~

Tuesday September 27th, 2016

Today while I was spending the day with my aunt at her house, I received a phone call from my mom. She told me that apparently Alicia is not with the agency anymore. At first I didn't believe it, I just tried to believe that she was on a break and not permanently gone. My anxiety started to kick in and then a million things ran through my head. "What am I going to do now without her, without a counselor?" "I wonder what happened? "Did she quit, did she get fired?" I had no clue and either did my mom, all I got was that she was no longer with the agency anymore. I knew something wasn't right, this was not something that she would do because of her passion for the career she worked so hard to get, something was wrong. When I found this out I was angry at first, then sad, then finally I just went numb. Losing Alicia was like a trigger. I believed that this was truly a sign that things would not get better for me since I was waiting for her "two week break" to be over with so I can finally start medications. I came to the conclusion that it just wasn't meant to be. When I had to leave Layna and get a new counselor I felt very discouraged because it was so tiring to continue to learn to trust a stranger, open up your feelings and thoughts to them and connect with them on a deep level. I knew in my gut that I needed to continue counseling after I had to leave Layna and therefore I had crossed paths with Alicia. I thought I would give this one last time, after all I have been through I wanted to try a little harder with the little bit of drive that I had left. So, when Alicia no longer was my counselor I felt incredibly stupid and defeated. I had no warning, no closure, and no explanation. I was convinced this was a sign to stop trying, I had lost all of my confidence all in one day. I knew that i couldn't do this by myself and I felt foolish for having yet another person know too much about me only to vanish- she just disappeared. I can only handle so much disappointment and in that moment I felt like I've been kicked down again and this time it was much harder to get back up. I've been feeling so depressed and so much regret since I found out that J won half custody at court, and this was just the icing on top of the cake.

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September 29th, 2016

I still have not heard of anything involving Alicia. I started these over the counter anxiety medications because I was craving to be relieved of the pain that I was feeling. Also because I was no longer in counseling so it was harder for me to get prescribed something anytime soon. So far they work fairly good. You are only supposed to take no more than two a day, but they weren't strong enough to last me through the long days so I ended up taking at least 3 capsules a day. I'm in desperate need to escape the pain, even for a minute.

~

October 13th, 2016

I have lost count of how many nights I have cried myself to sleep. It kind of feels good to let it out because I hold so much in all day, this feeling reminds me of how I spent much of my senior year.

I am so sick and tired of hearing about J. Since he won half of custody that's all I have been forced to hear about. Nothing but guilt and sadness is all I feel. I'm so sick of it. I want to escape from the hell I call my mind, this town is my hell. I don't want to be here anymore but I'm so scared of myself, especially lately. I wish I could end it quickly and painlessly because I don't know what it feels like to not feel any pain. I'm just so tired and everything keeps falling apart. How does no one notice? If they only knew what goes through my head every damn day.

I'm broken down and the only reason I seem so "normal, calm and happy " is because I take so many anxiety pills every day. I already am almost out and it feels like I just bought them. I did just a couple of weeks ago and I'm already almost out. I take about 3 pills in the morning and two more throughout the day. It's the only thing that calms me down, now I just feel empty.

~

October 19th, 2016

I've been struggling still. I got discharged a couple of days ago from the children's clinic. The clinic that once was my sanctuary. It was sad for me because I hate goodbyes. I only talked to Misty over the phone and that's all I have done.

She encouraged me to transfer to the adult clinic but I was so sure I was done with counseling because I had lost faith. Every single day I have had suicidal thoughts. When I wake up in the morning...when I go to bed... when I'm driving down the road... while I'm sitting in class. So exhausting it makes me want to give up even more. I've also caught on to a nasty habit, I have been smoking cigarettes every day since the beginning of September. I just want to get black out drunk, I've been so stressed out. These past couple of months of September and October have been hell. On the outside my family and friends think that I'm so much better, like nothing bad happened to me. Nobody asks how I feel, I'm starting to think that nobody cares. Not one single person tried to encourage me to continue counseling.

A part of me wants help and to seek a new counselor but I mostly just want to give up, so I don't say anything. I called Misty and I got discharged and told her I couldn't continue counseling anymore because it was too mentally exhausting. She tried to convince me to transfer to the adult clinic, I politely turned it down. She said they would all miss me there at the clinic. I'm so depressed I can physically feel it, I'm so sad that I'm not in counseling anymore, that was my only relief.

I think that the worst part of feeling so much sorrow is that no one knows how much you are struggling so you feel even more alone.

I feel so empty.

~

Without the Lights by Elliot Moss is a beautiful song, followed by a mesmerizing music video. I watched/listened to this song so many times throughout these months, one of my favorites.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]