This past month has been the hardest month of my life. Going through my "secret depression" after all these years have been hard..... But normally it's like a switch that when I see something or get a certain feeling, I would go into this mentally dark place. This would go on and off, but it was triggered easily. I could go days of being perfectly fine, or days where I just shut down. This could also go on for weeks at a time and it would always switch off, it is never constant. Sometimes the switch would last days.. weeks.. and rarely months. But it never goes away. I feel trapped. But this past month has been very, very different. I haven't turned the switch off and it is scaring me. This sadness is still here and it hasn't gone away. I am so worried. I have seemed to have lost my "happy episodes." Like I ran out or something.

Most days and nights it is very hard to breathe. I feel like I am getting constant panic attacks. Going to school has been the hardest thing that I had to do. I have lost ALL motivation. I try so hard to hold my emotions in so I can appear strong in front of my friends and classmates. They don't know what horrible thoughts go through my head. But every day as soon as I come home, I go to my room and I lock the door and cry my heart out until tears don't come out anymore. I don't ever want to hang out with my friends.... It's a struggle just to get out of bed. Being sad is exhausting. All I do is sleep. I'm tired all of the time. But sleeping means that I forget everything for awhile.. no tears.. no emotions..no thoughts. Sleeping is when I can escape all of this pain I have been feeling. There comes a time where you stop looking forward to tomorrow. It has been emotionally draining when everyday you feel like this.

I feel like there's this emptiness inside of me. I don't know how to fix it. It feels like I'm drowning and gasping for air.. everyday. While everyone else is perfectly fine. It feels like a ton weight is sitting on my chest and I can't move it. When I'm not crying I just feel numb. This is the worst feeling ever. I just want to to be happy. But it's easier said than done. I'm tired of being sad. I want help.. I do. But it's like there's this dark shadow that follows me around and keeps pulling me back into that place I do not want to be..that's how I would describe it.
That's how I would describe depression.

I wish someone would listen. I wish my family would stop calling me "lazy" and "boring" and all these other names because although it's true.... I can't help it. I wish I had the courage to seek help because I don't think I can suffer through this any longer. I'm 17 years old..they probably think this is all typical for a teenager. Truth is, I have felt like this for a long time. I know it sounds like I'm giving up too easily, or I am being dramatic. There is just too much pain here, and I can not handle it anymore, it hurts too much. But I have tried so hard for a very long time. I'm still here. But this past month feels different. It feels like I've reached the "end" of my depression. Like I have finally reached my breaking point. I have given up too many times to count. No matter how hard I try to fight it... It always wins. It's tiring. It's not worth it because I'm not worth it. It feels like I have nothing to live for anymore, I am a waste of space. But I will still go on and get through each day until I am brave enough to seek help, if that day ever comes.

I struggled for many years and eventually I finally spoke up. Yet, that is just the beginning of my journey.