{August 26}

EJ had to admit it, the campus was pretty. It was spacy with a clean, rich, feel to it. The Duke University chapel bells rang through the distance and the building walls were lined with beautiful brick and stone. He breathed in the crisp autumn North Carolina air and tried to brush away the feeling of dejection and disappointment deep down within himself for being here. At least it was satisfying his dad, and at least it wasn't Saint Louis or Salt Lake City.

A couple of months ago, a gap year back in Utah felt like the safest option. He could stick around what was familiar and give himself some more time to figure out who he was and what he wanted outside of his father, but now all he wanted to do was run away. To start fresh somewhere else and not think about the past, Gina, and the rest of his heavily distant friend group which he was not sure if they shut him out of or he shut himself out of. Most of them have been cold towards him since his break-up with Gina and he didn't even blame them. He knew he had neglected her in the process of trying to appease his dad, he knew he didn't treat her the way she deserved to be treated or wanted to be treated, he knew he had been acting jealous and selfish, and he knew he let the pressure of the Documentary get into his head and let it gear him slightly in the direction of his old self. He knew that this cycle seemed to repeat itself with every girl he has ever dated and all his relationships ending were to his own demise. And worst of all, he was back to doing the thing again where he'd let his father control him and suffer in silence because it was the easiest thing to do. 

EJ arrived early to unpack his belongings, entering an empty room with no sign of a roommate yet. He and Ashlyn were both carrying a cart full of bags and suitcases while his parents came in mostly empty-handed, just his dad wandering around him with a camera in hand gushing about his son leaving the nest for the "Big Blue" and following in his freaking family's footsteps. I guess you could say he felt like a little girl on a pageant show getting exploited by his parents, doing what makes them happy, living through their child.

When EJ's parents insisted on shoving their hands into his belongings and adding their input on how to decorate his room without listening to their son's opinions, that's when Ashlyn rolled her eyes, covered her hand around their petty little expensive camera lens, and straight up told them "why don't you guys go get yourselves a glass of wine and leave us to do the unpacking." Thank God for her brashness sometimes. 

He waits until they're out of the room before sitting down on his bare mattress and sighing, "I let myself down, I told them I wasn't coming here last year and I gave in anyways."

His cousin bit her lip and gave him a look of sympathy. "You know you can always transfer. You don't have to stay somewhere that feels wrong and makes you unhappy," she told him sitting beside him with an encouraging half-smile.

"I don't exactly have many options, this is the only out-of-state place I got into and I didn't even truly get in, I got bought in. But I'm sure as hell not going back to Salt Lake right now," he replies gloomily and eye contactless, starting at the blank wall in front of him where his future roommate would eventually settle. One who he knew nothing about and didn't even get to meet before agreeing to live with.

"Well, whose fault was that for thinking Duke was a lock and not applying anywhere else besides one safety school," the other relative responded bluntly with the same brutal honesty that they have been giving each other their whole life. He loved her for it despite hating it right now.

"You know I'm really not in the mood for your smart-ass comments Ashlyn," he quickly shot back at his cousin. 

"Yeah yeah, I know. You know when you're wrong but you don't like to admit it."

The man kicked her in the shin playfully and shot her with a daggering glare.

"Sorryyy" she edged with a little hint of sarcasm.

"Read the room"

She sighs as if about to say something but stops herself, instead reaching for the opened box of clothes that lay next to them as if to look busy as they both started to unpack. After a while, Ashlyn looked a little more serious.

"Eej, I don't blame you for wanting to do anything to run away from Salt Lake right now. But sometimes the easiest solution isn't the best thing for us." 

"So is that what I'm supposed to do, stay in Salt Lake forever?"

"Of course not, but you need to stop making decisions based on everyone else but yourself." 

He didn't say anything besides a meek "yeah" as he looked towards the pile of mostly polaroid pictures on his desk.

He started to tape them to a bulletin board above it for decoration regardless of the sting that came with it. A few pictures of him and his old sports teams and a bunch of happy faces of the Wildcat squad rested on the flimsy paper; from HSM to Beauty and the Beast, to his high school graduation party, a couple of pictures of just him and Gina, even him and Ricky, or the three of them together, several old pictures from Shallow Lake but zero from this year, and lastly a Halloween picture of just him and Ashlyn as kids. Ashlyn decked out in a Minnie Mouse dress and EJ a skeleton. Their parents took them trick or treating every year before he reached high school, before he grew up, and back when they actually used to spend time with them and showed at least some interest in their kids' lives outside of school, success, and the "family legacy" bullshit.

God, he didn't want to grow up.

A half an hour later, his parents came back in with a triangle-shaped Duke banner, a Duke water bottle, and a tee shirt. He looked towards Ashlyn and rolled his eyes dramatically as they happily pinned it to the top of his bulletin board, and he could have sworn she was stifling a snort.

After he was all settled in, she wrapped him in a big bear hug. "I'm gonna miss you," she whispered into his ear.

"Me too", he whispered back.

"Keep in touch, stay safe, and don't do anything irritatingly dumbassingly stupid while I'm not around."

"Dumbassingly?"

"Yes dumbass"

She patted him on the shoulder and they exchanged eye contact before she left with his parents. EJ flopped down on his bed suddenly feeling extremely uncomfortable with the silence and unfamiliarity around him. He was in a new state on the other side of the world where he didn't know a soul, currently staring at a mini fridge and a blank twenty-inch TV. In an attempt to drain out the silence and numbness within him, he opened Spotify, and of course, the first song that happened to play was Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift. EJ could feel the lump building in his throat and his eyes getting a little watery.

Alone, he felt more alone than ever.

~

Gina's house was covered in boxes. It was a sight she was more than used to by now, as she had grown up around moving trucks and those little brown cardboard boxes with everything under the sun shoved into them. Sometimes she didn't even bother unpacking any of it as she had grown used to finishing the job just to repack everything up and move somewhere else shortly after.

She moved into her mom's new place in Salt Lake just a week ago. It was refreshing to be just her and her mom again. A quiet, drama-free household with no bickering between Ashlyn and her high standards, uptight, conservative parents. No feeling out of place. She forgot how much she had missed her mom braiding her hair by the TV or her signature seasoned greens and homemade, gluten-free macaroni and cheese. She finally had a home.

That night after dinner, her mom told her some words she'd been waiting to hear her whole life.

"We're staying here for good."

She went on to explain that she'd be working in a new, permanent office management and teaching position with FEMA and no longer be responding directly to disasters.

"I thought you liked being on the front lines," Gina questioned. She knew her mom liked the action of it all; helping disaster victims firsthand, the adrenaline of being on the scene. She for sure wasn't a desk job person and neither was Gina, to be honest. A part of her still had a longing for being on go just like her mom. Maybe that's why she was so quick to run. 

"I do, but I think it's time that we slowed down. I've missed such an important year of your life Gina, and I'm sorry."

"You were busy literally saving lives mom, It's fine, I've adapted. I always have."

Mrs. Porter sighed heavily, getting a little emotional. "No, it's not fine. I let you live with a family I'd never even met because I felt so guilty about taking you out of Salt Lake the minute you had a group of friends. But in the process, I've missed all your shows this year, your first prom, your first summer camp, I even forgot about our Valentine's Day tradition and had to be reminded to send you something through your boyfriend-"

"Ricky's not my- wait what?"

"Remember, the chocolates?"

"Right... the chocolates. Excuse me" Gina stood up from the table in a flash, reaching for her phone in her pocket to frantically send Ricky a quick text to talk when he could.

"Is everything okay?" Her mom followed up.

"Yeah"

She then put it back in her pocket and waited for the buzz of a phone call, but instead got a knock on the door in a shorter amount of time than what seemed possible (at least if Ricky were driving the speed limit, which let's be real, he probably doesn't).

The girl quickly checked herself out using selfie mode on Snapchat, running her fingers through her braids and touching up her lip gloss while smiling. As expected, the curly-haired boy waited fondly in the doorway with a big smile forming on his goofy face when he saw hers.  "Ricky!" she exclaimed pleasantly at the sight of him standing there. He was wearing a nice comfy-looking light blue sweatshirt with black jeans and Adidas converse high tops and Gina couldn't stop thinking about how he looked so huggable (and maybe even kissable? Too soon?). She quickly shoved that thought away.

"G! You said you wanted to talk?"

"Yeah. Come on in!"

She held the door for him as she watched him shuffle inside and stand a mere three feet away from her, both of their heart rates picking up with the close proximity.

"You didn't have to come in person, you could have called."

"I wanted to come."

Gina's face lit up naturally as they both stared into each other's eyes in admiration for a good minute before speaking again. The girl with the long braids in her hair was the first to shift position and break the silence, she looked around at all the moving boxes around her house and poked a little fun at them. "Welcome to my crib", she teased, "Just look down when you walk and you're golden."

The curly-haired boy laughed, "boxes, don't worry my house is still covered in them and we moved last year." 

"This feels vaguely familiar, doesn't it?"

"Valentine's day" Ricky suddenly blurted out.

"Hm?" Gina tilted her head to the side a little egging him to keep going.

"Remember? My dad and I had just downsized and our apartment was covered in boxes. You came over to talk that day and we were standing in this exact same position."

"And you bought me the chocolates," she exclaimed smugly, poking his shoulder. Ricky looked a little shocked, standing with his mouth slightly open and dumbfounded like he had been caught in an act of crime.

"How'd you know?" he asked sounding surprised.

"My Mom let it slip to me that you bought them and asked her to give them to me."

"Yeah, I'm sorry I should have just told you they were from me and avoided all the confusion. I didn't want you to feel alone on Valentine's Day but I felt weird addressing them to you completely from me because I was with-"

"Nini"

"Yeah. And I figured you needed your mom that day more than me. It was your tradition with her. I'm sorry."

Gina put her hand on Ricky's shoulder. "Don't apologize, it made me feel seen. You do that for me- make me feel seen."

"You know, everything has changed since then Gina, and I mean that in a good way."

The boy tenderly took the hands of the girl and held them tightly, "So why don't you show me around your new kingdom." 

Gina giggled and took him for a quick tour around her new house, which was mostly cluttered outside of her room which was fully furnished and decorated. Ashlyn helped her personalize it and settle in last week when she officially moved out of the Caswells for good. Sooner than later, they found themselves on top of Gina's comforter in her room, both laying supine, hand in hand, and staring at the ceiling.

"It's nice to finally have my own room. Nothing against Ashlyn, but I guess it's hard to socially decompress while sharing somebody else's space. It was fun at first but after that, I don't know, it lost its touch?"

"You felt homesick?"

"A little but it's definitely not just that."

"Go on"

Gina paused, wondering if she was oversharing and overstepping onto Ashlyn's privacy. But it had been bothering her for so long and Ricky just seemed so willing to listen.

"What I'm about to say stays between you and me."

"My lips are sealed, promise."

The girl took a deep breath. "Okay... and don't hold anything I say against Ash, but I didn't always feel comfortable or truly welcomed there. Sometimes I felt used and wrapped in the middle of their home drama when I have my own. It was very isolating and for the longest time I felt like I couldn't confide in anyone about it because my two closest confidants were from their family."

Ricky nodded his head indicating that he was listening so she continued.

"The Caswells, the whole lot of them, are like the epiphany of a conservative, wealthy, rich American white family that has a very specific vision of what they want their kids to be. Their parents would constantly throw around microaggressions and talk in ways that made me uncomfortable. Ashlyn certainly isn't afraid to run her mouth and get into arguments with them but she also had a way of sucking up to them when she wanted something. If she needed money or permission to have people over she would be oddly quiet and agreeable with them and then try to apologize for the questionable things they said after the fact and, I don't know. It's not her fault her parents suck and she's dependent on them but it still never sat right with me."

She took a pause,

"There's more, despite all that, her parents were very sickly sweet to me. It felt fake nice. They wouldn't yell at Ashlyn when I was around because I was a guest and she grew comfortable with that, she would ask if I could stay nearby if there was something she was about to get in trouble for, and with that family, it doesn't take much. These are the kinds of parents that send their kids to school sick, scold them for getting B's, and tell them to grow up and that they have it good if they cried, my dad used to be like that and it was very- reminding?"

"Triggering?"

"I don't know if I'd go that far, but I felt like a bad friend if I told her no and didn't protect her from it all, and I felt awful when I overheard her parents comparing her to me and telling her she should act more normal like me, whatever that means. I guess I just feel oddly guilty now that I'm not around and I've distanced myself from her family. I know me being there has kept some of the peace and things are going to get worse for her when there's no guest to embarrass themselves in front of if they treat their daughter like shit"

"You shouldn't have to carry all that. What happens to her is never your fault G, you're sixteen."

"Seventeen in almost a month!"

"You're a Scorpio? I can see it."

"Yup, stubborn, sarcastic, doesn't take people's bullshit."

"Also determined, loyal, brave, ambitious, I could keep going. My point is you're not a bad friend for setting boundaries. I know under that hard exterior of yours is this super big heart that wants to protect and take care of everyone that she loves, but I need you to take care of yourself first okay? It sounds like some of this Ashlyn stuff should be in the hands of an adult anyways."

If Gina was pale, it would have been readily obvious how her blood rushed to her cheeks and how fuzzy they felt. There was this new maturity to Ricky that wasn't there before. They've grown and they've allowed each other to grow. There was no changing who they were around each other to people please, there was no hiding feelings or hesitancy in opening up, and there was no need to search for a spark, they were just authentically them and authentically real.

"You've always been a wonderful friend G."

~

{August 27th}

Wildcat fam gc❤

Richard(derogatory)🛹: I got a therapist! Her name is Sandra and she's super nice! Here's her phone number!

Richard(derogatory)🛹: (701) 236-7649

GP🩰: so proud of you!!!💗

Big 🔴: should I be concerned that you're sending us your therapist's contact information at 1 am?

Moonie🌛🔮: it's for us, he knows we're all mentally fucked

Queen Green(e)👸🏾: ^^^

GP🩰: ^^^

Los🕺🌈: ^^^

Sebbyyyy🐮: Aww are y'all okay???🥺🥺🥺

GP🩰: No❤

Queen Green(e)👸🏾: No❤

Los🕺🌈: No❤

Moonie🌛🔮: No❤

Richard(derogatory)🛹: wow we really all out here going thru it

Sebbyyyy🐮: You guys can talk to me anytime💓💓💓

Queen Green(e)👸🏾: Thanks Sebby!

Moonie🌛🔮: Seb you're too pure🥺

Los🕺🌈: Awwww honeyyyyyy I literally love you

Moonie🌛🔮: AWWWW CUTIES ^^^

Moonie🌛🔮: MY OTP

Moonie🌛🔮: I LOVE YOU GUYS

Moonie🌛🔮: #1 SEBLOS STAN

Big 🔴: Cute but also it's 1 am and I have to get up at 5 am tomorrow for work tm so I'm muting you all now

Richard(derogatory)🛹: Rip

Los🕺🌈: Yea go to bed Redonovitch

Moonie🌛🔮: Sweet dreams Biggie💗

Sebbyyyy🐮: Goodnight!🌌

Queen Green(e)👸🏾: I'm logging off too or I'll be grumpy tom

GP🩰: Same, gn everyone

Moonie🌛🔮: Night!

~

Ricky and Ashlyn; private text convo

Ricky B: Hey! since I know you're still awake, can I pick your ear abt something? 

Ashlyn: Sure!

Ashlyn: What's up?

Ricky B: What's compatible with cancer? 

Ashlyn: Scorpio is!!! ;) 

Ashlyn: Oh my God Bowen you're not subtle AT ALL 

Ricky B: ...

Ashlyn: Don't "..." me! 

Ricky B: Like how compatible are we talking?

Ashlyn: Overall compatibility score is an 8/10, pretty high 

Ashlyn: "Scorpio can be intense and possessive, whereas Cancer is known for being overly sensitive and emotional about their feelings. This seems like a combination that would normally not be very healthy for a relationship, but this is not the case with the Scorpio-Cancer love pair – they are in constant flow with each other.

Scorpio and Cancer are both sensitive and emphatic signs, which is why they have a deep emotional connection in a love match. This stems from their ability to be vulnerable around each other. Cancer will always feel safe and protected with Scorpio, and Scorpio will always feel loved and nurtured by Cancer."

Ricky B: wow 

Ricky B: thanks for the insight 

Ashlyn: np!

Ricky B: Do you think it's too soon? She kind of just got out of a relationship. I want her to be comfortable

Ashlyn: Honestly yeah, I'd wait until she makes the first move

Ricky B: you think she will? 

Ashlyn: absolutely!  

Ricky B: wow you really just jumped ship on your cousin

Ricky B: which btw how is he? I tried to reach out to him not that long ago and his calls went to an automated voicemail, thinking he blocked my number :( 

Ashlyn: He's been kind of off the grid lately, I think he's on do not disturb whether it's purposeful or not. Even I'm having a hard time getting a hold of him these days 😢

Ricky B: Oh boy, hope he's okay. He's probably going to hate me if I get with Gina 

Ashlyn: He doesn't hate you, and he'll come around. Don't worry abt him

Ashlyn: Honestly I kind of always felt like his soulmate was outside of slc. Don't get me wrong I want the best for EJ and Gina and I was really rooting for them when they got together, but I just feel like EJ has been off in all his high school relationships. They've definitely been influenced by societal/familial pressure

Ashlyn: I just want to see him be in a relationship and be genuinely himself, that's never happened with an East girl 

Ashlyn: And I'm rooting for you and Gina! 

Ricky B: And I'm rooting for you and Big Red! 

Ashlyn: Awwwhhh 

Ashlyn: I expect double dates, and I'm catering obvi! 

Ricky B: Yes!!!! all for it 

Ashlyn: Can't wait! 

Ricky B: Hey off topic, but is everything okay at home? 

Ashlyn: Yeah, why?

Ricky B: Just checking 

Ashlyn: Thank you for asking, how's your home stuff? 

Ricky B: Peaceful actually, house is almost too quiet. I'm not used to it

Ashlyn: Well I have about ten Spotify playlists I can send to you if you need to break the silence 

Ricky B: Might take you up on that tomorrow, I'm headed to bed for now

Ricky B: thanks for the advice/astrology lesson! 

Ashlyn: Sure thing! Gn!

~ 

{August 27th, afternoon} 

Ashlyn walked down the familiar wooden staircase that softly creaked with each step. There at the bottom of the homely basement was the freckled face that had been expecting her. 

His face spread into a big cheeky grin as his girlfriend ran up to him for a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey! How was work?", she asked all bubbly and vigorous.

"Good! Guess what?" 

"What?"

"My parents finally see me as more than a table cleaner and delivery guy!" Big Red pointed to the new assistant manager's name tag on his famous Slices jacket.

"That's so exciting!" His girlfriend squealed, "I'm so happy for you, you're going to do great!" 

"I'm happy my parents finally trust me with this position, I'm just sad about replacing Kourtney." 

"Wait what happened to Kourtney? Did she quit because of Howie? I mean I know they broke up but I didn't ask the details, you probably know more than me."

"That and the fact that she's got a modeling gig going for her after the live stream blew up and is probably making way more than me right now. I think I accidentally predicted Kourtney quitting Slices and them breaking up though," the ginger boy expressed solemnly.

 "What do you know about what happened?" 

Big Red cringed, "apparently he thought Kourtney was taking things too slow and called her boring."

The fiery-haired girl gasped looking completely appalled, "Kourtney Greene boring!?" She said in outrage, "Those are two words that do not belong in the same sentence!" 

"Not only that, he was supposedly talking to other girls in college looking for potential "more into it" rebounds while he was still with her which is exactly what she feared." 

"That's awful! Poor Kourt, she deserves so much better!" 

"I know, Im trying my best to be professional but every time I have to work with him I want to slap him."

"I dare you to fire him, write him a pink slip for creating a hostile work environment between coworkers."

He sighed, "I wish, just because I'm the assistant manager now doesn't mean I have that kind of power. Trust me I would if I did. My parents don't think it's fair to fire him based on something that happened off the clock." 

"That's too bad. Man, fuck Howie!"

Just then, Ashlyn was interrupted by a new group chat that kept causing her phone to jiggle in her pocket. Her boyfriend encouraged her to check her messages, some of which caused her to snort in front of him.

The East High Drama Dep Fruit Bowl🍓🍉🍍🍇

Los🕺🌈 added Sebbyyyy🐮and Moonie🌛🔮 to the group chat

Los🕺🌈: Heyyyyyy

Sebbyyyy🐮: Hi honey!!!

Los🕺🌈: You have no idea how impatiently I've been waiting to be able to make this group chat!!!! 

Los🕺🌈: Like it's actually been killing me!!!  I just needed one queer outside of my bf to start it

Moonie🌛🔮: I feel honored 

Moonie🌛🔮: And I have a feeling the group chat will be larger by the end of the semester  

Sebbyyyy🐮: Do you know something we don't!???? 

Los🕺🌈: ^^^ 

Moonie🌛🔮: 🤐🤐🤐

Moonie🌛🔮: Sapphic intuition🤔

Los🕺🌈: Well I trust your sapphic intuition more than my straight-dar these days 

Sebbyyyy🐮: As you should, your straight-dar broke a long time ago babe 

Moonie🌛🔮: 💀💀💀 

Moonie🌛🔮: Shady Seb>>>

Sebbyyyy🐮: 🥰 

Los🕺🌈: Anyways, there's a late summer pride parade this weekend in slc that Sebby and I are going to and we want you to come!

Los🕺🌈: And yes you can take your male boyfriend if you'd like 

Moonie🌛🔮: SSKSJSKSKSNSKSNSSKQHWJS IM DEAD

Moonie🌛🔮: STFU 

Los🕺🌈: Mwahahaha😘 

Sebbyyyy🐮: So are you in? 

Moonie🌛🔮: Um can I get back to you guys? 

Los🕺🌈: Of course! No pressure! 

Sebbyyyy🐮: You don't have to go if you're not ready, it's just an invite

The ginger boy nudged Ashlyn on the shoulder, "Is what you're laughing at something that can be shared with me?"

She nodded, handing her phone over to Big Red wearing the smile of felt inclusion. 

"Am I your male boyfriend?" He gawked melodramatically causing Ashlyn to explain. "It's kind of an inside joke because I kept emphasizing the fact that I had a BOYfriend and was dating a MALE at camp to hide the very obvious queer panic. Bold of me to think the closet was still intact."

"Well, I'm honored to be your MALE boyfriend!"

"I'm lucky to have you as my MALE boyfriend!"

"So do you want to go? Because I'll totally go with you."

In a more serious and sorrowful manner, she exhaled, "Honestly I'm not sure. I want to go, it's just that with this documentary thing and the possibility that I could be recognized? I don't know. I don't need a niche group of Twitter users speculating on my sexuality or my parents finding out. Im not ready for that."

"That's fair, do you think they'll take it poorly?" 

"Probably"

He put his hand on top of hers and rubbed its dorsal side gently, "Well whatever you decide or whatever happens, I'm here for you Ash. I love you"

"I love you too"