Chapter 19

I took the bus back home.  My emotions were just crazy.  Going back and forth from sad to angry then to confused.  I was so into my head that I missed my stop.  So when I got off the bus I had to walk back.

I was finally walking up the stairs in my apartment building, and all I could think of was sitting down.

I got to my door and tried to see if it was lock, it was, that made me smile.  I got my keys and unlocked it.

Once inside, I didn’t find Jason anywhere.  I got myself a glass of water and sat on the couch by the window.  I didn’t move for awhile, but when my butt started to hurt, I moved to the floor.

Letting my body relax on the carpet that is when the tears started to go down the side of my face.  I wasn’t hurt, I wasn’t thinking about my past.  I could finally see what Jason had been telling me about Chris and his parents.  The looks, the way they treated him like a criminal, I felt awful for him.  He’s just trying to start a new life, and the people that are suppose to be there for him the most, turn their back on him.

I heard the keys going into the locks of the front door.  That must be Jason I thought to myself.  I didn’t even move, I just stayed there, on the floor.  The only thing I did was pass my hand over where my tears had been.  He didn’t need to know I had been crying, over his pain.

I guess when he opened the door it opened so wide that it hit the wall, ‘Shit!’ I heard him say.  I smiled, I could just picture his face.  Then I heard the noises of bags, I guess he did go do some groceries, yum food, I thought to my self again. 

Still laying on my back, my left hand underneath my head and my legs were strait but crossed at my ankles.  All I heard was, ‘Fuck!’ I lifted my head and looked at him.  Yep, I had scarred the shit out of him. That again made me smile.

‘Hey’ I said.

‘Hey? What are you doing here?’ he asked.

‘I live here.’ I answered, still not moving.  I just didn’t have the energy.

‘I know that.’ He got closer to me and sat down on the floor beside me.  ‘Why aren’t you at school?  Are you ok?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine.’ I answered.  I turned my head to see his face.  He looked concerned.  I did my best smile, to try to reassure him, but failed.

He brought his face closer to mine and said, ‘You are forgetting one thing’ he started saying, ‘I’m starting to know you.  That’ he said pointing at my smile ‘is not your real smile.’ 

I turned my head back towards the ceiling, took a deep breath, ‘It’s nothing’ I said while rolling my eyes.

‘If it’s nothing you wouldn’t be here.’ He said, and took my free hand in his.

I turned to look at him again, my eyes went to our hands, he was playing with my fingers.  Little by little, I was letting him in.  I could see it, slowly, but I would never let anyone else do that.  I still froze around another boys or men.  He was earning my trust without me realizing it.

‘Is this ok?’ he asked.

‘Is what ok?’ Not moving my eyes off our fingers.

‘This.’ He moved our hands.

I looked up at him, and smiled my real smile, ‘Yeah, it’s good.’

I kept looking at our hands together, he would draw things or do patterns in the palm of my hand and it would tickle. 

We both just stayed there for a little bit until Jason said he had to put the rest of the groceries away before they all went bad.

‘I’ll help.’ I sat up and Jason looked at me and gave me his hands.  I took them and he helped me up.  ‘Thanks’ I said. 

He smiled, ‘Anytime’.

We put all the food away.  It didn’t take that long.  I saw every food he had gotten and man, I had never seen so much food in my kitchen before.

We had a little argument, if you can even call it that, about the left over pizza from the other day.  He wanted to throw it out in the garbage, I said are you crazy, you want to throw food out.  Finally I won, because well, I know I’m going to eat it.  Hungry or not, I will eat it, so we left it in the fridge.

For diner we were eating chicken with vegetables and a garden salad on the side.  Wow it was so good.  I didn’t cook anything because well, for one I can’t cook and two well we both wanted to live.  So I had helped with the vegetables and the salad.  And I watched how he prepared and cooked the chicken.  I wanted to learn how to cook.  No one had ever taught me how before.  Back at home with my parents, yes I prepared the food but easy thing like soup or things made out of a can.  Nothing complicated.

Watching Jason cook, was really fun.  He’d say to watch the food while he went to do something and, I would panic but it was awesome.  No one died, no one got sick and it tasted fantastic.

While we were eating he asked me if I wanted to talk about what happened at school.  I told him no that is wasn’t important.  But I guess he figured it out, because he said, ‘I won’t let Chris bring you down.’ 

And this is where we were.  We were done eating but not done talking.  ‘He’s not.’ I simply said. ‘He’s worried, and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.’

‘I don’t want to be another thing you have to over come.  What happens if I screw up and hurt you?  They’re your friends, I’m…’ he was saying with his arms in the air like he didn’t know how to finish that sentence.

I got up, picked up my chair and brought it closer to him so we would get this solved, for the first time and the last time.

I put my hand on his and gave it a little squeeze and looked him right in his eyes.  I lifted up my other hand and started to count with it. ‘1, you are my friend.  So are they but Jason…’ I looked at the floor, ‘you know the real me.  You know the truth about everything.  You didn’t run, you didn’t judge me, you just stayed.’ I looked back at his eyes, ‘2, I don’t think you will but if and I do mean if you screw up, we’ll get there when we get there. Finally 3, I won’t have to overcome you, the last few days, have been the best I have ever had in my whole life.’

I smiled at him, got up and started to pick up the dishes. ‘Oh,’ I said looking at him and saw I had his attention, ‘we are never having this conversation again.’  I didn’t move, just kept looking at him, waiting for him to give me a sign that he had heard me.  When he nodded his head, I continued to pick up the dishes.

Everything was cleaned, the dishes all put away and we were sitting on the couch as I watched him playing with the tennis ball again. 

I just watched how he moved, throwing the ball against the wall and catching it.  He was wearing a white t-shirt so you could easily see which muscles in his arm as he would move.

About ½ an hour later, he stops his game and looks at me.

‘Want to go for a walk?’ he asked.

‘Sure, where did you want to go?’ I asked back.

‘I saw a park about a ten minute walk from here today.  The sun is still out so we could do that but if it get’s dark, I’m not letting you walk in there.’ He said like there was no correcting him, and I was fine with that.  I didn’t like the dark, can you imagine walking in a park when it dark.  Freaks me out just thinking about it.

‘Sounds great.’ I said, ‘We should go now though, if that is what you want to do.’

‘Alright, let’s go.’ He said.

We got ready and I could not stop smiling.  I was excited, sounds stupid but I never did this stuff.  I never liked going places alone, or simply taking a walk alone.  But I knew I was safe with him.

We got outside and I followed his lead.  ‘Do you know where you are going?’ he asked me.

‘Nope’ I answered smiling.

‘How can you not know where you are going? You’ve lived here for what a little over a year.’

‘Something like that, but I never go out if I’m alone, which is almost always the case so I stay inside.  So this is new, I like it, I didn’t even know there was a park near by.’ I said laughing and shaking my head at myself.

Jason just chuckle.

My head could not stop moving, I tired to look at everything.  The houses, the flowers, the people, when we got to the park it was the trees, the leafs and the little animal.

‘Can I ask you a question?  It’s gonna sound really stupid but I know I should ask first.’ He said.

I turned and looked at him, I was confused, ‘Huh? What’s the question?’

‘If you don’t want to, don’t like it, feel uncomfortable just say so, ok?’ he said, I just nodded.

I kept walking until I heard him clear his throat. I turned and noticed he wasn’t there.  I stopped walking and turned and saw him a few feet behind me.  I went back and stood in front of him.  ‘Sorry, I was in my own little world.’ I said with a little smile on my lips.

He just shook his head.  Then he got serious, ‘Tell me if it’s not ok.’  I nodded.

I saw his arm move and he took my hand in his.  I looked at him with big eyes, not sure how far he would go, but I was getting nervous.  He brought my hand to his lips and kissed my fingers.   My heart was out of control, beating so fast.  He then placed my hand on his chest over his heart and whispered ‘I promise’.  I smiled a little, I knew he meant I promises I won’t hurt you.  He had told me that multiple times since we had met. 

I took the one step that was between us, and wrapped my arms around him.  I didn’t know much about relationship, how to do things on this level, or be romantic.  I had never had that before.  But slowly I was trusting him and giving myself a little more to him.  What I liked is that when I would panic, somehow he sensed it, he would stop, and that only made me like him more.

With our arms wrapped around each other, my head resting of his chest, and his on top of my head, it was a perfect moment.  Something inside me told me I should kiss him but I wasn’t sure I was ready, and if I did kiss him and regretted it, it might ruin what we have now.  I didn’t want to risk it.

I pulled back and looked at him, ‘Come on!’ I grabbed his hand and continued walking.  While walking in the park, looking around and talking, it was perfect.  Before it got dark, Jason made sure we were back on the street heading home. 

When we got to our building, he opened the door and let me in.  Once inside our apartment I turn and said, ‘Thanks, I had… it was a perfect night, thank you.’

‘You are most welcome.  I had a great time too.’ He said with his million dollar smile.

Again my brain gave me a sign, this is a kissing moment.  I knew it was, I felt the energy in the room change, like what happened in the park.  But how can I be sure, I never kissed anyone, well other than…

‘Want to play a game?’ I asked, both of us still looking directly into each other’s eyes.

‘Bring it on.’ He said at the same time moving his head and arms.  Just like they did in the movies.  I laughed so hard, he really was a funny guy.

We decided on the game Guess Who, I liked this game.  Now it was my turn to kick his ass.  I won 4 games and he won almost 2.  We got tired and decided to finish this game another night.

I got ready for bed while Jason got his resumes ready for tomorrow.  He was going to go job hunting.  He told me it was going to be more difficult because he now had a record, but he was very determined.  While brushing my teeth I could see him in the bathroom mirror getting his papers and his other things ready.  Making sure it was perfect.  I could see he was trying really hard.

Went I was done in the bathroom, I went to see him.  I noticed how stressed he was.  I put both hands on his shoulder and gave them a little squeeze.  He put one of his hands over mind and passed his fingers over mine.  ‘You’re not in a hurry, so it doesn’t matter how long.  I know you want something lined up ASAP, but it might take a little longer.’ I whisper softly to him.

‘I know, I just don’t want to let you down.  The money I have now won’t last forever and I never want to see you hungry.  I want to be able to help with thing and, buy things, go out…’ he said.

I got in front of him and made him look me in the eyes. ‘This is for you, not for me.  You don’t change for people, because if you do, it never lasts.  I lived my whole life being hungry, I’ll make due.  I know tomorrow is a big step, do it for you, be proud of you.  That is the only way any of this is going to work.  I’ll be proud of you, no matter the out come.  I’ve seen hard, mean, cruel and you are none of those.’ I told him.

I walked back around him and kissed his head, which I know I surprised him with that by how he froze.  ‘When you’re done, come to bed but don’t rush.’ I told him and started walking away.

‘Leah?’ I turned to look at him. ‘Thanks, for everything.  You always know the right thing to say.’ 

I smiled at him and we said goodnight to each other.

I went into our bedroom and got ready for bed.  Once there, it didn’t take me long to fall asleep, with a smile on my lips, again.

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