Chapter 12

**IN THIS CHAPTER PLEASE BE ADVISE YOU LEARN FROM  LEAH/MANDY PAST.  IT DOES GO INTO DETAILS, JUST TO LET YOU ALL KNOW.  **

‘Hey! Breath, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Jason said.

I finally inhaled, and tried to calm my heart beat.

When I was a bit calmer, I was able to say, ‘Leah, never ever call me…Mandy.’

‘Ok, I’m sorry, here’ he said and put a small blanket over my shoulders.  I looked at him questionably.  ‘You’re shaking.’ He simply said. 

We stayed in uncomfortable silence for awhile.  I didn’t want to talk but I knew he had questions.  I looked at him and said, ‘go…ask.’

‘I don’t wanna...’ he started but I cut him off, ‘ask’ I practically ordered while rolling my eyes.

He nodded, ‘When did it start?’ he said.

‘When I was little, I noticed my mother always had bruises on her.  Her legs, her stomach, her arms, sometime even her face.  I didn’t understand really but wasn’t stupid enough to ask.  I knew it was my father.  Almost everyday he was drunk, you could smell it, didn’t even have to be sitting next to him.  Every night when my mother would put me in bed, she would tell me to stay in the room, and not come out.  I could hear them argue, sometimes even hear her scream.  She would always tell me to stay out of it, I didn’t understand, I thought maybe I could help.  One day I did, I left my room and went into the kitchen where the noises were coming from.  My mom was lying on the floor trying to shield herself and he was kicking her on the side of her stomach.  I rushed and tried to push him but he saw me coming.  He was angry before but when he saw me, it was like gasoline to a fire.  He hit and kicked me a few times, and then spate on me.  I could tell when he was done with my mother and me that his rage had calmed down and he left the room.  I was bleeding from my nose, and there was a cut on side of my face near my eye.  My mother was angry with me, she said that I didn’t listen, I didn’t stay in my room, no wonder my father had hit me.  She implied that I got what I deserved.  After that I stayed in my room.  I didn’t want to get beaten, nor did I want my mother to.  The only difference is, this time I listened.  Then one day, it wasn’t even night time and I wasn’t in my room, I saw my parents arguing and fighting.  I was in the living room and they were in the hallway in the house on the second floor.  I remember hearing my mother scream and then something hitting the floor.  I went to see what it was and she was laying on the floor next to the stairs, not moving.  My father still up-stairs.  I ran to my mother, she was still alive.  One of my father’s friends is a doctor, he said she was alive but had broken her back.  She was paralyzed from the neck down.’  I took a deep breath and I grabbed the roll of toilet paper that was still in my living room, wiped my eyes and blew my nose.  It was tiring remembering all that, but the sad part.  I wasn’t even close to being done.  I wanted to stop but also I didn’t, if I did, I’d have to continue another day and I didn’t want to.  So I thought, say it now then it’s done.  I won’t need to say it again.

I took a breath and continued.

‘I never knew where my mother went, my father never told me and he was never home during that time.  I was alone, he didn’t even sleep at the house.  It felt…strange, nice.  One day my mother was brought home, my father was with her.  She couldn’t move, at all.  Always laying in her bed, not doing anything.  She could talk, but every time I would try to speak to her, she would never answer.  A few days past and I kept noticing my father looking at me, he was drunk all the time like before so I tried not to pay any attention to it.  But my gut told me something was off.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, I tried to avoid him, not be in the same room as him, or if I was, not stay to long.

One night, I went to my room, closed the door and started to get ready for bed.  My bedroom door flew open and there stood my father.  I only had my underwear on and my nightdress hiding my chest.  He came towards me and grabbed my neck.  I didn’t know what to do.  It was either let go my nightdress or try to push him back and try to get him to let go my neck.  All I knew is I couldn’t do both.  I didn’t have to decide because seconds after he grabbed my nightdress and through it somewhere.  He threw me on my bed and started kissing me.  I had never been kissed before.  I tried to push him off, to hit him…anywhere, wiggle my way out of his grasp.  That’s when he began hitting me, telling me stop moving or it would hurt more.  He’d say for the last few days I had teased him, that the way I walked was just asking for it.  He ripped off my underwear, and began to undo his pants.  He only had one arm on me, but I couldn’t get away, his body weight was to heavy, even with just one arm.  I wondered if he did that to my mother.  I was screaming at him, I was just so scared.  He manage to speared my leg and within seconds he was inside me.  He kept saying how good I felt, why he had never done this before…  He would kiss my neck and grab my breasts.  All I could do was cry, my body was screaming in pain.

When he was done, he told me I did good.  He left my room after that, but every night he would come back.  He gave me some of my mother’s dress one day, for me to wear.  They were too big but he told me that was the only thing I was allowed to wear from then on, nothing else.  At night before he would come for me, I would I try to put my dresser in front of the door, I didn’t have a lock.  Nothing would help.  Every night I would tell him to stop, but he never did.  If I would do something wrong, he would hit me.

I went to see my mother one day and begged her to help me, to tell me what to do.  For the first time, she turned her head and looked at me.  She told me ‘What do you want me to say?  I can’t move, what do you want me to do?  You’re a big girl now, figure things out for yourself.  Before all of this…that was my job.  He asked me what he should do, I just told him what I thought.’ She had so much hatred in her voice, her eyes.  She hated me, but I didn’t know why.  After that, she asked me to leave her room.  I never went back…

Not long after the conversation with my mother, I left, I was 13 years old.  I went to the bus station, bought a ticket to anywhere.  My father found me before I got a chance to get on the bus.  When we got home my father was so angry.  He beat me, and with that, I got 2 broken ribs.

The second time I tried leaving, was about a year after, I went to the train station.  He found me, again, this time, he beat and raped me.  It hurt so bad, my body was black and blue, I had trouble walking for about one week.

The third time, I was still 14, I ran to my aunts Alice’s house.  She’s my mom’s sister, but so much nicer than my mother.  She didn’t believe me, my father seemed like a nice man to everyone.  Everyone knew he drank but nothing else.  My mother never said one bad thing about my father.  My aunt had called him to let him know where I was and to pick me up whenever.  Before my father showed up, my aunt had me play this game with her.  I didn’t understand, I was angry, she wouldn’t help me, confused because she wanted to play a game, like honestly.’  I said shaking my head in disbelief.  ‘She would ask me where I’d like to visit, what names I liked, and things like that.  Then my father showed up, all smiles and gave me a hug.  Asked me why I kept running away, he was so nice.  I knew better than to answer those questions because I knew if I did, it would only make it ten times worst for me when I got back home.

Last time I ran away, I was 15 years old.  I don’t know why but I ran back to my Aunt Alice’s house.  I wanted to prove to her that I wasn’t lying so I showed her my bruises.  She hugged me, told me she loved me, I wasn’t told that a lot.  She walked over to a desk.  She got out this envelope and gave it to me.  Inside there was money, a plane voucher for Toronto and a passport.  I didn’t understand and she just said I had to leave.  That I couldn’t just go to the next town, it had to be further than that.  My passport said my name was now Leah Kingston.  I loved it.  It was like the game we had played last time, the words, the names and places that I liked.  She explained that we couldn’t see each other anymore, but she would send money every 4 weeks, half way into the month.   I asked her how she did all this but I honestly didn’t care.  She even found me an apartment.  If I could leave and be happy and safe, that is all I wanted.  She said I had to be careful, at least until I was 18 years old, or I could be forced to go back home and live in that house again.  So… I left.  I haven’t seen nor heard anything from them since.’  I said to Jason.

He looked like he was processing everything I had just told him.  I smiled to myself, I hadn’t talked about any of that with anyone except my aunt, and that was over a year ago.

‘What are your parents’ names?’ he finally asked me.

I wasn’t sure if I should answer this question, but I didn’t matter, my parents didn’t matter to me anymore just like I never had mattered to them.

‘Daniel and Claire Heart’ I answered still smiling.

‘Why are you smiling?’ Jason asked.

‘It’s strange but…feels good to let it out, to talk about it.  I never did that before.  Sorry… that’s was a really long story.’ I said chuckling.

‘You’re amazing, you know that right? And… brave.’  Jason said.

‘No, I’m not.  I’m none of those things, I ran.  That doesn’t make you brave.’

‘You ran because you had no other option.  You tried different ways of doing thing, you fought back, asked for help but no one did anything.  You had no other choice but to leave.  Your aunt is the only one who did something, probably a hero because you would have died if you would have stayed in that house any longer.’ He said.

Tears were running down my face.  I was crying so much and so loud that I was having trouble breathing.  Jason got closer to me, I knew he wasn’t sure to come closer or stay away.  With me just saying I was raped over and over by my father, I understood him being hesitant.  So I brought my bum closer to Jason, then he understood, I was giving him permission to hold me while I was crying.  Instantly he had his arms around me, holding me while saying nothing except gently rocking me back and forth. 

I cried for awhile, he never moved, he just let me cry until I had no more tears.  Sometimes he’d play in my hair with his fingers or rub my back, trying to get me to relax a bit. 

When I was done, I pulled back a bit.  It hit me, he had his arms around me.  My back tensed up and I froze.  He immediately pulled back his arms and said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ while looking at me with big eyes.  While trying to get my heart beat to slow down I noticed his shirt was so wet, I was embarrassed, I swear, my face was tomato red in 3 seconds flat.  He noticed me staring at his shirt and smiled, he said ‘Don’t worry, it’s fine.’

‘Don’t worry?! I just used you like a tissues!’ I said trying to hide my red face in my arms that were now crossed, all forgetting about him holding me.

‘No you didn’t!  Stop, you couldn’t have used me like a tissue, you got none, so maybe like toilet paper?!?’  He said while smirking at me.

I looked up, shock, my mouth was open, I couldn’t believe he had just said that.  ‘Better close that mouth darling, unless you want to eat some flies.’  He said then laughed.  I hadn’t moved, except I had closed my mouth.  When he looked at me again and saw that I hadn’t moved he laughed harder and started poking my arm, trying to get me out of my daze state.

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