Pagkabalik na pagkabalik namin sa bahay ay agad akong pumunta sa kwartong tinulugan ko noo at kinuha ang cellphone. I remembered, may inin-stall na application si mommy dito sa phone ko. It's a about Philippine History, it was a mobile version of her book.

Nang mahanap ko ang phone ay agad ko itong binuksan. The time and date are still the same, June 11, 2016 11:35 pm. 'Di ko na ito pinansin at binuksan ang app. Thank God 53% pa ang battery.

I clicked the chapter that says "Philippine Revolution". I didn't read the whole chapter. I just scanned it looking for dates.

August 19, 1896, Katipunan was discovered by a Spanish friar. August 23, 1896, Cry of Pugad Lawin took place.

I gasped when I read the next paragraph.

"August 29, 1896." napatakip ako ng bibig dahil sa nabasa.

On August 29, midnight, they will attack Manila led by Andres Bonifacio. But they lost dueto the timely arrival of Spanish reinforcements and their wise arrangements.

Today's August 24. That means.

Crap.

I... I gotta go tell Antonio.

"You can't." napatalon ako dahil sa gulat nang biglang sumulpot sa harapan ko si Karlos.

I glared at the kid, "What the hell, Karlos? Stop popping out of nowhere! I could've died of heart attack!"

"You can't tell anyone about it, Kristin." Karlos said in a cold tone.

"But-"

"I didn't brought you here to change history or the future. I brought you here for a different reason." The last sentence ticked me off. I stomped my feet and crossed my arms.

"Then tell me! Tell me what's your reason for bringing me here! I can't continue guessing, I wanna go home, Karlos!" I scowled at him. My blood is boiling. He sent me here and won't tell me the reason why. He wouldn't even tell me how to get the hell out of here.

I couldn't see any emotions in Karlos' eyes. He was just standing there, staring at me. What the hell is wrong with this kid?

He sighed, "I can't tell you yet."

"Tell me now, Karlos. I know that.. that reason will help me get back to my own timeline." He turned his back on me and was about to take a step but I stopped him, "If you won't tell me then I have no choice but to interfere and change history!"

"I already told you, you can't. You do not belong in this timeline. One mistake and you will cease to exist in the future. I just came here to warn you, Kristin." And after saying those words, he disappeared.

I was left there, rooted to the spot. I don't know what to do. Karlos' dead serious. If I interfere with the flow of history, I will cease to exist in my own timeline. What is the purpose of me being here?Why'd he bring me here? What should I do? Should I go with the flow, or take action?

Napahilamos ako ng mukha at umupo sa sahig.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I think of helping the Katipunan by telling them what would happen? The hell I care if they die for this devastated country. The hell I care if they wasted their lives protecting this country. The hell I care if they all died trying to break free from the grasp of Spain. The hell I care.

But, I feel sad. Why?

Then, Antonio's face came flashing in my mind. My heart beat faster.

Napasabunot ako. Is it because of him? Do I feel sad because of him? Because I know that he'll waste his life for people like me? He'll sacrifice his life just to gain indepence?

Their efforts are futile. Their sacrifices are worthless. The future they offered their life for is corrupted.

Antonio's sacrifice will be worthless.

"Kristin." napalingon ako sa pintuan, Aling Isay was standing there.

"P-po?"

"Maaari ba akong pumasok?" she asked. I answered her with a nod.

Pumasok siya sa silid at naupo din sa sahig katabi ko, "May problema ba, hija?" nag-aalalang tanong nito.

Umiling ako, "W-wala po."

I can't tell her. She won't understand.

Natigilan ako nang bigla niyang hinawakan ang kanang kamay ko, "Alam mo, kaming mga ina, isang tingin lamang namin sa aming mga anak ay alam na kaagad namin kung may problema ito o wala. Kristin, hindi man ako ang ina mo pero handa akong pakinggan ka kung ika'y may problema. Narito lang ako." nakangiting sabi nito.

I kinda miss my mom. Kahit na palagi kaming nag-aaway ni mommy, kahit na palagi ko siyang 'di sinunod, kahit na palagi ko siyang sinasagot-sagot, mahal na mahal ko siya. Sila ni daddy.

I miss my parents. Their advice. The comfort they give. Their caring hugs, kisses. Ilang araw palang ang lumipas mula nung napunta ako dito, but I already miss them.

Sa 'di malamang dahilan, I hugged Aling Isay. She was shocked for a moment but she returned the hug.

"Aling Isay, p-pa'no kung nagsakripisyo ka para sa iba, pero mapupunta rin pala sa wala?"

Naramdamdaman kong napangiti si Aling Isay. Hinawakan niya ang magkabilang balikat ko at humiwalay sa yakap. Hinawakan niya ang dalawang kamay ko, "Alam mo, hija, tayong mga tao gagawin ang lahat para sa ikaliligaya ng mga taong nakapaligid satin, kahit na isakripisyo pa ang sarili. Walang sakripisyo ang napupunta sa wala, Kristin. Ito lamang ang tatandaan mo."

"P-pero-"

"Si Antonio at ang iba pang kasapi ng Katipunan, handa silang ialay ang kanilang buhay para sa bayan. At alam mo, naniniwala akong magbubunga ang mga sakripisyo nila. Maniwala ka lang, Kristin. Magiging maayos din ang lahat." Aling Isay's assurance lifted the weight in my chest. Kait papano ay nakahinga ako ng maluwag dahil sa mga sinabi niya. May kaba pa rin pero nabawasan ito. Nothing a mother's advice.

"Salamat po."

"Walang anuman."

May isa pa akong gustong itanong kay aling Isay. Isang tanong na kahapon pa bumabagabag sakin. "Aling Isay, a-ano ang nangyari sa mga magulang ni Antonio?"

Napayuko si Aling Isay, "Wala ako sa posisyon para sabihin ito," saka muli siyang tumingin sakin at ngumiti. "ngunit alam kong hindi magsasalita si Antonio. Sigurado ka bang gusto mong malaman?"

Tumango ako.

"Ang ina ni Antonio ay isang napakagandang dilag. Kinahuhumalingan ng lahat. Mabait, matulungin, matapang. Ngunit nakakalungkot dahil nilapastangan siya ng isang kastilang nabibilang sa mataas na baitang ng lipunan. At wala man lamang ginawa ang mga nakakita sa takot na baka pati sila ay saktan."

Nagulat ako sa nalaman. Antonio's mother was raped, that's why he said he was just a mistake. Hearing the word raped made me think of my brother. I think, I know how Antonio felt.

"Isinilang si Antonio ngunit itinakwil siya ng kanyang ina. Kinupkop namin si Antonio dahil wala ng kakayahan ang kanyang ina na alagaan pa siya. Nabaliw ang ina nito dahil sa takot na baka mangyari uli ang ginawang paglapastangan ng kastila sa kanya.
Nakakalungkot rin na imbes intindihin at tulungan siya ng kanyang mgabkaibigan at kaanak ay mas inapi-api pa nila ito. Kinalauna'y binawian rin ito ng buhay.

Lumaki si Antonio ng walang kalinga ng tunay na ina. Ngunit ipinadama namin sa kanya na mahal namin at at itinuring na parang tunay na anak. Lumaki siyang katulad ng kanyang ina. Mabait, masipag, matulungin, masiyahin, makadiyos at mapagmahal." humarap sakin si Aling Isay, "Alam mo ba kung bakit sumali si Antonio sa katipunan?"

Umiling ako, "Hindi dahil gusto niyang ipaghiganti ang kanyang ina kundi dahil gustong-gusto niyang makalaya ang bayan sa kamay ng mga kastila. Mahal na mahal ni Antonio ang bayang ito at gusto niyang maging ligtas ang mga tao rito. At naniniwala ako kay Antonio, naniniwala akong magbubunga ang kanyang sakripisyo."

I kept thinking about what Aling Isay said. She really trust Antonio, she believes in him. She believes in the Katipunan. I already know that the Philippine revolution will succeed, but, I'm from the future. Nagpapatayan ang kapwa pilipino, most of the young people are like me, may colonial mentality. Kaya ko nasabing worthless ang mga sakripisyo nila.

Pumasok sa utak ko si Antonio. I gripped my chest.

Bakit nasasaktan ako para sa kanya? Is it because we're the same? One of our family got treated inhumanely. Paano pa niya nagagawang ngumiti? Paano niya pa nagagawang maging masaya? His mother died because of trauma. He should start hating other people for not doing anything to save his mother. He should hate the world for what happened to his mother.

I sighed. Who am I kidding? We're not the same. I blamed other people for what happenedfor my brother. I blamed the government, I blamed the Abusayaf, I blamed the philippines. And because of that I hated everything in the Philippines. But Antonio he.. he didn't blame anybody. Instead, he grew stronger. He learned how to smile, to be happy even after what happened to his mother.

We're different. He was strong, and I was coward. All I did was blame and hate others. And he used his past to save everyone.

It was already sunset and I'm still outside, waiting for Antonio to come home. 'Di ko alam kung bakit, pero, gustong kong makita at makausap si Antonio.

Ilang sandali lang ay dumating na si Antonio. Nakita ko ang gulat sa kanyang mukha ng mapansing nasa labas pa ako.

"Kristin, bakit nasa labas ka pa? Gabi na." he asked while walking towards me.

I felt my heart beat fast. When Antonio's around, 'di lang paru-paro ang nasa tiyan ko. It feels like the whole is inside my stomach with he's wit me. Ilang araw palang ang lumipas mula nung makilala ko siya, and now, here I am. My whole system goes crazy when he's around.

"A-antonio.."

Nanlaki ang mata ni Antonio at napatakbo papalapit sa kinatatayuan ko. He cupped my face and looked at me with a worried look. "K-Kristin, umiiyak ka? B-bakit? May masakit ba sayo? Anong nangyari?"

I'm... crying?

I touched my cheek. It was wet.

I looked at Antonio's eyes.

I am crying.

"Antonio.." I said, saka napahagulgol ng iyak. Niyakap niya naman ako at pilit na pinatahan. Pero imbes na tumahan ay mas lalo pa akong naiyak.

Halo-halong dahilan. Sa sobrang dami ng dahilan ay 'di ko na alam kung bakit ako umiiyak. Sa sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman ko, all I could do was to cry.

I am sad because of my parents. I am sad because I miss my brother. I am sad because I'm a coward.

I am sad because of Antonio.

"Tahan na, Kristin. Nandito lang ako."

Antonio... bakit? Bakit ang lungkot? Bakit nalulungkot ako?

***

Today is August 29, 1896. The first battle between the Spaniards and the Filipinos will take place in Manila. Spain will win, and the Filipinos will lost.

And... Antonio is one of the katipuneros that'll attack the Spaniards in Manila.

And I'm here, outside the house, waiting for his return. Gabi na, at 'di pa siya umuuwi. I know that it will take days for the battle to finish, but I can't help but worry about him.

I care for him. I care about Antonio, and I feel like dying dahil sa sobrang pag-aalala.

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Short update~

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