Pagkatapos ng mahabang sermon ay sa wakas tinantanan na rin ako ni Mommy. I saw how disappointed she was. I hurt her. But I can't let her control my life forever. Eighteen na ako at kaya ko ng magdesisyon para sa sarili ko. May mga bagay akong gustong gawin at daang gustong tahakin. Hindi habang-buhay ang daang tinahak nila ay siya ring tatahakin ko.

I hope I could make her understand.

I cleaned my working table then took a quick shower. After that, I decided to visit my brother. Lumabas ako ng kuwarto at binagtas ang napakahabang hallway papunta sa kwarto ni Kuya. Tanging ang mga wall lamp ang nagbibigay ilaw sa madilim na hallway.

'Di ko pala siya nabisita kagabi. Nagtatampo na ata 'yun ngayon. Baka isipin niya, pinagpalit ko siya sa One Direction.

It was already nine o'clock in the evening kaya tahimik na ang paligid. I could only hear the strong wind from outside. Nang makarating na ako sa kwarto ni kuya ay huminto ako. I stared at the doorknob for a while before opening it.

Pagkapasok ko ay isinara ko agad ang pinto.

And there, I saw my brother sitting on his bed, staring blankly at the window. The lights were turned off but the moonlight illuminated the whole room.

I smiled.

Kahit na madilim, my brother's beauty still stands out. His pale skin, his long lashes, his pointed nose, and his hair. He looked like he was hewn from a greek god statue with a hint of filipino features.

Angel. Yes, he looked like an angel.

Naglakad ako palapit sa kanya then I sat down beside him, "Hello, Kuya Kevin."

And, as usual, I didn't get any answer.

I sighed, "Kuya, how was your day? Did you eat already?"

I held his hand at ipinatong ang ulo sa balikat niya, "We fought again, kuya. Mom is making a big deal of me idolizing foreign artist. I really don't get her," I closed my eyes. "Pano kaya kung hindi ka nagkaganyan? Siguro, ikaw ang taga-awat samin ni Mommy. O baka nga, hindi kami nag-aaway. Everything in this house changed after what happened. It became gloomy as if it lost its light."

I looked at my elder brother, "Kuya, sana bumalik ka na sa dati."

Natawa na lamang ako dahil sa pinaggagagawa ko. I keep talking kahit alam ko namang hindi siya sasagot.

'Di naman ganito ang Kuya ko. Hindi siya ganito katahimik. Hindi siya palaging tulala. Hindi siya palaging nagmumukmok sa kwartong 'to.

He was the liveliest person I know. He was always cheerful. Palatawa at palaging nakangiti. Siya ang nagpapasaya sa malaking bahay na 'to.

But a certain event changed him. The event that changed me too.

8 years ago

     "Siya si Andres Bonifacio, ang ating pinakaunang pangulo," nakangiti si Kuya Kevin habang itinuturo ang larawan ni Andres Bonifacio.

Nagtataka ko siyang tinignan, "Pero, bakit sabi ni teacher, si Emilio Aguinaldo ang unang president?"

      "Kapag nasa highschool ka na, marami ka pang malalaman tungkol sa kasaysayan ng Pilipinas. Saka, kapag mas matanda ka na, you'll read texts that tells the events that happened before na wala sa mga books niyo ngayon." Lumapit siya sakin saka ginulo ang aking buhok, "Now, go to bed. May pasok ka pa bukas, diba?"

Umiling ako, "Mamaya na po. Sasama po ako sa paghatid sa'yo sa airport."

Napangiti si Kuya, "Kristin, sa Sulu lang ako pupunta. I'll be back after a week. Volunteer lang si Kuya. Marami kasing nadamay sa bakbakan doon kaya kailangan nila ang tulong ko, namin. Alam mo namang soon-to-be doctor na si Kuya."

Para sakin, anghel si Kuya Kevin. Hindi lang dahil sa malaanghel si kuya, kundi dahil sa mabait ito. He's very kind. Sa family niya, sa friends niya, even with strangers.Napakamatulungin ni kuya Kevin. Kahit na medical student palang, kapag may time ay sumasam siya sa mga medical missions para tumulong. Kahit hindi niya kilala, basta't alam niyang nangangailangan ng tulong, hindi siya magdadalawang-isip na tulungan.

Masipag din si Kuya pagdating sa pag-aaral. Matalino. Halos gabi-gabi siyang nagpupuyat kakabasa ng mga medical books. Para bang hindi nauubusan ng room ang utak niya para sa mga bagong kaalaman.

Siya ang hero ko. Ang iniidolo ko. I want to be like him someday that's why I'm studying hard.

Lumipas ang ilang linggo ay hindi bumalik si kuya. Umalis din sila Mommy at Daddy at naiwan ako sa bahay kasama ang mga maids.

I waited for them for months. Wala akong kaalam-alam sa mga nangyayari. They call me to ask how's my day, if I have eaten. I kept asking the maids, even my mother's secretary, pero pare-pareho lang ang sagot nila. Business trip. But I know there was something wrong. Hindi gugustuhin nila mommy at daddy na iwan ako for months. And kuya Kevin will call me every day.

After six months napag-alaman kong nasa Ospital sila Mommy. Sumama ako kina Tito Frank, my mother's brother, papunta sa Ospital na kinaroroonan nila.

And there, I saw my Mom and Dad crying in one corner habang kinakausap ng doktor. My brother was sitting on the hospital bed, nagwawala. Three nurses were holding both his arms, preventing him from struggling habang may pilit na itinuturok sa kanya.

Doon ko napansin ang mga pasa ni kuya sa katawan. Marami siyang pasa at mga sugat.

Then I looked at his face. His face was beat up. Halos pumutok ang labi at may mga pasa rin sa pisngi niya. There were dark circles around his eyes, he looked like he was fatigued and haven't slept for months.

     "Pakawalan niyo ko! Nandyan na sila! Aaaah! Please- please stop it! Please, p-pakawalan niyo na po ako! Ah! M-masakit! Mommy! Daddy!" Maya-maya'y tumigil ito sa pagpupumiglas na parang bang may naalalang masama. Nagsimula siyang manginig at napahawak ng ulo."Mom, b-inugbog nila ako. They hit me a hundred times. T-they- Mom, t-they r-r-raped me-"

I gripped the teddy bear I was holding. At the age of ten, I wasn't oblivious to what rape means. That time, I didn't know what to do. Lumapit ako sa kuya ko at niyakap ito. I cried. Cried and cried.

Bakit? Bakit nangyari 'to sa kanya? He's the kindest of kindest people.

When I turned 15, doon ko lubusang naintindihan ang mga nangyari.

While on Sulu, my brother was kidnapped by a terrorist group. My parents found out about it, kaya lumipad sila papuntang Sulu. They asked help from the Filipino government. But the kidnappers asked for a 50 million ransom money in exchange of my brother's life. We can give them the money. We can afford such a tiny amount. But the government kept on insisting na sundin ang "No ransom policy". Heck. My brother's life was at stake at ang policy-policy pa ang pinaprioritize nila.

So, that's what they did for 6 months. Kinakagat lahat ng intel tungkol sa kung saan nagkukuta ang mga letseng bandido. Priority daw nila ang buhay ng biktima. Priority their ass. Obvious naman na priority nila ang mahanap ang kuta ng mga putang bandidong 'yun so they can exterminate them, get the fucking reward, and be recognized.

My parents gave up. Hindi na sila umasa sa gobyerno, they gave the ransom money sa mga bandido lalo na noong nakareceive sila ng video ni kuya. It was a video of him, naked and all beat up. He was crying on the video and was asking for help.

Pagkatapos ibigay ng ransom money, the terrorist gave my brother back. He was found at a river bank in a town in Sulu, unconcious and completely naked. Para bang isa siyang basura na basta basta nalang na itinapon. He was brought to the nearest hospital si Sulu and later on was brought to St. Lukes Hospital here in Manila.

Doon nalaman ang tunay na nangyari kay kuya.

Mayron siyang major and minor injuries. Nagkaroon rin ng pagbabara ng dugo sa mga arteries niya kaya kinailangan ng agarang surgery. It turns out na ilang beses siyang napalo ng bagay na gawa sa bakal. Everytime he struggles, bugbog ang inaabot niya. Sa isang linggo naman, ay tatlong beses lang siyang pinapakain kaya kapansin-pansin ang pagbawas sa timbang nito.

And worse, he was raped. Yes, raped. Before he told us, nagkaroon ng examination sa kanya. His fellow guys raped him. Women aren't the only ones who suffered rape cases. My brother was a proof.

We were devastated after namin nalaman kung ano ang mga ginawa sa kanya. My brother was violated. His humans rights were violated. He felt fear, worthlessness, discomfort. He was terrified na baka isang araw mangyari ulit ang nangyari sa kanya. He kept hallucinating. He was diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD after what happened. The memory of those months, those days he was held captive and abused, lingered on his mind.

That time, laman ng balita ang nangyari sa kuya ko. Kahit saan ako lumingon ay palaging ang nangyari sa kanya ang pinag-uusapan. They pitied my brother. People sympathized for him. They started having protests, asking for justice. But we never received the justice we've been wanting. Then, later, the news died just like any other news. People went on with their lives as if nothing happened.

Dahil dun, I hated the terrorist. I couldn't believe na kaya nila 'tong gawin sa kapwa nila. I couldn't believe that they violated kuya Kevin's body for the sake of their own desires and pleasure. I hated them for the inhumane treatment of my brother.

I hated the government for not doing anything. I hated the government for not helping my brother. Their job is to maintain the welfare of their people. Pero anong ginawa nila habang nasa panganib ang kuya ko? They were hitting another stone. Para pang ginawang stepping stone ang kaso ng kuya ko to catch the bigger fish. Yes, it was just one life. But its effect to all the people around my brother would be worse. Lahat ng mga nagmamahal at rumerespeto sa kanya, what would they feel? Aren't we all part of the people that the government should be protecting?

My brother, the most wonderful person the world could possibly have. My poor brother who didn't deserve to be treated like a piece of trash, na parang isang gamit na pagkatapos gamitin ay itatapon. I hated them for what they did to the person who deserves everything in this world.

I thought it was unfair, it came to the point that I even questioned God. Why him? Why my brother? All he did was to help other people. All he did was to save them. Why does it have to be him?

Because of what happened, I loathed this country. This rotten waste land. The event carved a huge hole in my heart. I built a tall and sturdy wall around me, not letting anyone break through it. Nagtanim ako ng galit saking puso. Galit na kahit kelan hindi na mawawala.

I want to leave this country. I want to take my brother, my family to a country where it is safe.

Napailing ako saka tumayo. I hugged him and kissed him on the forehead, "Goodnight."

I went out of the room at bumalik sa kwarto ko. Napasandal ako sa likod ng pintuan then batch of tears came rolling down my cheeks.

I miss kuya Kevin. So much.

Sana bumalik na siya sa dati. I miss talking to him. I miss his advices. I miss my elder brother. If I could turn back time, I'll do anything to save him.

I heaved a sigh and wiped my cheeks. Naglakad ako papunta saking kama but before I could reach my bed, napansin ko ang history book na nakapatong saking mesa. It was a book written by my father.

First Constitution by Marcelo Lopega.

Napailing ako at napatingin sa kisame.

Save the country my ass. Those heroes were fools. They wasted their lives saving this country. Freeing it from foreign grasps. Mga tanga. Their sacrifices were wasted. Wala namang nagbago. Mas lumala pa nga. They wasted their lives saving this country for people who kill their fellowmen. They saved this country for people who'll destroy it.

From the very start, this country has no hope. It's not worth-saving. I'm sure if those heroes saw the future, the events happening in this country today, siguradong sigurado, kahit na magalusan hindi nila gagawin.

I sighed.

June 12 na bukas, last day of the festival. Sa wakas.

Humiga ako sa kama and stared at the ceiling for a while. Umupo ako at lumapit sa side table to turn off the lamp shade. Doon ko napansin ang isang gold pocket watch. Vintage ito at mukhang galing sa victorian era dahil sa mga gothic designs ng frame at ng mga kamay ng orasan. Halatang luma na ito pero gumagana pa rin.

     "Alam mo, sana bumalik ka sa mga panahong sinakop tayo ng mga banyaga. Sana bumalik ka sa panahon kung saan nakagapos pa tayo. Sana masaksihan mo ang paghihirap ng mga bayani makamit lang natin ang kalayaan. Sana."

Even if I did travel back in time, it still won't change my perspective about this country. Never. Never in a million times.

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Short update~

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