Song - Ease 

Artist - Troye Sivan ft Broods

What's wrong with me?

I breathed out a long gulp of air I had been holding in while looking up at the ceiling, dull, white and covered in marks from the students that had damaged it. In a way, it reflected my life at the time, though it was far from dull. I once thought that my life was so boring before everything happened, happened and now, I kind of wish it could go back to being peaceful again, it's ironic.

When I got tired of staring at the roof, my eyes went straight to the clock in the centre of the wall opposite me. The R.E lesson I was currently sitting in was boring me to tears, and I couldn't help but close my eyes now and again and yawn. There was roughly about 30 minutes to go before the end of the lesson but for once, I didn't care about when it was going to end. I was still trying to wrap my head around what came over me yesterday after school.

Me, doing that to Victoria. What the hell was I thinking?

I chuckled quietly at my stupidity, I didn't know what had happened, my body just reacted on its own. What did that even mean, what did she think it meant?

How much of an idiot can you be?

I snapped at myself, anybody with half a brain would obviously know what that meant. But I didn't mean it like that, at least I think I didn't.

So are you just going to say you didn't mean anything by it? Yeah, like hell she'll believe that excuse.

"I don't know OK! I just don't know anymore!"

It took me a few seconds to realise I had said that last part aloud. When I came back to my senses, I found myself stood up with 30 pairs of eyes all turning back to look at me. Instantly my cheeks turned pink with realisation, and I didn't move.

"Josh Carter. Sit back down, and try to keep your thoughts to yourself because if you haven't noticed, I'm in the middle of teaching a class." Staring at me intensely, the teacher had stopped what she was doing and turned to look in my direction.

"Yes, miss," I replied and then hastily sat back down.

My cheeks were still burning; there definitely was something wrong with me. I couldn't understand why I couldn't just l forget about what happened and move on. My mind wouldn't let me and every time I managed to break away from that thought, something around me would make me remember it again.

It annoyed me. Why couldn't I just forget, why was I so caught up in it? It didn't mean anything, but yet why was I still obsessing over it. My emotions wouldn't obey; they wouldn't let me let it go. It annoyed me, a lot.

"Right, open up your textbooks to page 143."

I was brought back to reality once again when I looked up and saw our teacher explaining the task on the board.

"I want you, with a partner, to find out as much information on the Bible and why it's so important to Christians as you can then write your findings in your books. Get to work."

Once those last three words had left her mouth, the class wasted no time rushing over to their friends. I looked to my right and watched them laugh and joke about; I was so caught up in my little daydream I didn't even notice Victoria coming and sitting right next to me.

"Hi," she smiled the same as ever.

I jumped a little out of my seat but then quickly brushed it off so she wouldn't notice my discomfort.

"Hi," I tried my best to smile back and act if everything was cool.

I attempted to study her expression, but I couldn't see a change at all. Maybe had that not affected her? She seemed the same as always. The same sweet and bubbly smile, the same cheerful expression, the same innocent yet distant look in her eyes. I breathed a short and quick sigh of relief; she probably had forgotten about it already, and yet here I was still fussing.

"So, is everything OK? You seem a bit on edge, is something wrong?" she asked.

"No it's fine, I guess the whole incident with Micheal just hasn't worn off yet. I still feel a bit, I don't know, tense I guess."

"Well, it's over now, I'm fine so cheer up, you look so stressed, like somethings one your mind. Or maybe that's just me." She replied. Trust Victoria to see through my calm act so easily.

With that, she pulled the textbook closer to us and shuffled in next to me as her eyes skimmed over the words. I tried to loosen up and relax now I knew Victoria wasn't bothered about yesterday, but try as I might, the tenseness wouldn't leave my body, and I was beginning to be aware of how close we were to each other. Did we always sit this close? Her face was practically a few centimetres away from mine. My heartbeat began to quicken its pace, and I tried to keep my mind focused on the work, but all I could think about was how close we were, I could almost feel her breath on my cheek.

"Hey, Josh, are you listening?" she questioned as she rested her hand on my shoulder. I never noticed how warm to the touch she was, and I could feel the heat radiating from her palm. Her hands felt soft and were small; my hands could easily cover hers entirely if I held them.

Wait what the hell am I thinking? Josh you're doing it again, snap out of it.

"Oh, yeah sure. Why?" I replied scratching the back of my neck.

"Because you're acting weird. You're hiding something. I know you are. Come on, out with it." She replied.

"No really, just jumpy from the Micheal incident is all." I laughed nervously.

Victoria cocked an eyebrow at me as if to say she didn't believe that that was the only reason, and she would be completely right about that. Not wanting her to catch on to me, I just returned her gaze with a smile and we continued with our work.

The rest of the lesson went on pretty much the same. I would jump or act surprised when Victoria would all of a sudden touch me and my heartbeat would race when we would sit close to each other. I'd never been that aware of her presence before that happened but now, my senses had completely changed in ways I didn't quite like. It frustrated me that I couldn't control my emotions around her like before, and things just felt awkward, all because of that. Why the hell did I have to do that anyway?

By the time the lesson had ended, I was exhausted mentally from trying to keep my thoughts and emotions in check, but I did my best to act if everything was alright. I didn't want to change the way things were, we had a good friendship going, and I didn't want to spoil things now with my stupid emotions that even I couldn't make sense of.

We had left the classroom and were in the corridor leading to the main hall when we met up with Daniel.

"Hey! Josh, Vic!" He called over from the other end of the hallway.

"Hi." I waved over to him.

He eventually caught up with us and instantly slung his arm over my shoulder and smiled. I was glad we'd finally met up with him; I knew for a fact if anyone could take my mind off of that stupid incident it's Daniel.

"So, what's cooking good looking?" He asked. I laughed and pushed him away from me.

"I swear, you two act so gay sometimes." Victoria chuckled.

"Obviously, because Daniel's my boyfriend." I played along, and Daniel and I linked arms and laughed.

"Idiots." Victoria teased and poked both Daniel and me in the ribs.

"So on a less joking note, what's been happening?" Daniel asked.

"Oh, nothing much, just had a boring R.E lesson." I yawned, though I knew that wasn't the only reason I was tired.

"Yeah, we did some stuff to do with the Bible," Victoria added.

"Huh, sounds boring enough. So, where we headed?" Daniel asked.

"Well, I'm pretty hungry so, let's go to the dining hall," Victoria said.

"Sounds good,"

With that, we all made our way to the hall to grab something to eat. For once I had some money on me (I had managed to grab some change from mums purse, though I knew she'd probably earned it by sleeping around again) and I was pretty hungry. Secretly I hope some food would help take my mind off that as well.

By the time we reached the dining hall, the line was quite long, and I wasn't looking forward to waiting in it but eventually, we got through the crowd, and I grabbed a sausage sandwich and a bottle of water.

Then came the struggle of getting back out again, we pushed our way through the crowds of people, and I could feel my body fight to move forwards with all the force of the other children trying to push me the other way. I watched the food on my tray carefully so it wouldn't unexpectedly get thrown off in the rush.

The crowd in the dining hall, we decided, was too big to try and find a place to sit so we went outside instead. Luckily for us, it wasn't too cold and the sun was out which was weird for late winter. We had found a patch of grass closest to where the sun was shining and began eating.

I was busy concentrating on chewing my food in hope it would help ease my mind. I'd snatch quick glances up at her in between chews and watch her eat for seconds at a time before turning my head back down to the table again.

I had just turned my head up again but instead of seeing Victoria's enchanting blue eyes I was met with Daniel's dirt coloured ones.

"Hey, is everything alright?" he asked, but it came out hard to understand as his mouth was full of food.

"Yeah, why?"

"You keep looking down at your plate and refuse to make eye contact with anyone." Daniel frowned.

"I'm fine Daniel, I swear what's with everyone today thinking I'm acting strange, I'm not!"

"It's not just Daniel; I've noticed a change in you too Josh." Victoria was looking directly at me, "You can't just tell me it's nothing because you and I both no it isn't."

"Look, guys, it's OK, I guess just got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

This time, it was both of them who gave me the I'm not buying it look but continued to eat nonetheless. I had just finished my food and decided to lie down on the grass, the sky was littered in big white swirls and blotches with the occasional patch of baby blue, I blew out a breath of air and watched it turn into a cloudy mist and evaporate into the atmosphere. Happily, I let the wind caress the side of my cheek sending a cold shiver down the base of my spine, the gentle feel of the wind against my body melted away any uncertain thoughts I had and finally I was able to have a clear mind.

Inhaling the fresh, crisp, late winter air, I closed my eyes and let myself get taken away by the breeze.

"The weather doesn't seem that bad today, well for England." Daniel sighed lying next to me.

"Yeah, it's relaxing," I smiled.

"Finally!" Daniel said.

"What?"

"You sound like your old self again; I guess the fresh air does help clear the mind."

"Was I really acting that strange before?"

"Were you! You looked like a zombie! Like you were there, but your mind was thinking about other things. I've never seen you look that out of it; you're really are an open book you know."

"Thanks," I replied sarcastically, and Daniel gave me a thumbs up.

It was then that Victoria interrupted. "I'm done you guys so come on; we've got some things to do before lunch is over."

"Hmm? What's that?" I asked, and Victoria brought out those really horrible flyers from before.

"We're going to hang these up around the school."

"Come on then; you heard the woman." Daniel got up and tried to pull me with him as I groaned. I didn't want to go back inside the school, but I had sort of promised Victoria I'd help her, so I had no choice.

"OK, I'm coming," I grumbled, at least some time outside had helped clear my head a little, which was good because if I was as easy to read as Daniel said then I was going to need to be extra careful.

Victoria had handed Daniel and me a bunch of the papers and with some glue, we began putting them up where most of the kids go, starting with student reception. Daniel and I were busy pasting one horribly drawn poster up after another when Daniel piped up again.

"Hey, Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure nothing's going on, you can tell me you know." I looked over at Daniel; he wasn't staring at me, instead kept his eyes on the task.

"Yeah," I replied.

"You sure about that? Josh come on, why won't you just say what it is, I know something's up."

"Look, Daniel, it's not that much of a big deal,"

"Ah! So you admit something's been bothering you!"

I sighed. It was obvious there was no hiding things from him, even Victoria knew what was up instantly. I finally gave in and told Daniel everything. He sat and listened to every word without one interruption and when I had finished just nodded his head as if to acknowledge that he understood the situation.

"OK, Josh, I'm going to ask you one more time, and I'm going to be blunt with you. Do you like her?" His face for once wasn't playful or joking; it was pretty serious, and that's saying something for Daniel.

"No," I replied quietly.

"Are you sure?" He asked again, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Yeah," I said and did my best to smile back, but the truth was I didn't know what I felt about her anymore.

I just didn't know.

Keep reading for the next chapter...

Chapter 17 - Dairy Entry #2