The AC is on 24/7 to apparently keep us from getting Covid in this hotel room which means that sensitive me with my sensitive meat is constantly cold. I must also reveal my sordid lies at last. The previous two diary entries were in fact written before the Easter holiday! Yes, that is right.

I am a time traveller.

I carefully opened this Google doc, typed out those words, and then did not post them on Wattpad! Until now, that is! I therefore allowed my testament to travel forward in time

As a crastinator who is trying to go pro (oh to join the ranks of procrastinators!), I decided to spend the first few days of quarantine qomatose. When I did peel my eyelids open, I read the newly released books I successfully pirated using a sketchy Armenian website.

Last night after falling asleep on my iPad, I woke up to see my iBooks in night mode (imagine if real books could do that!) and my phone ringing! It was Natasha! We were reunited once again!

Unfortunately 5 minutes into the call, she died by which I mean the demon kidnapped her. The demon is Evil Tanya. Evil Tanya is Natasha's mother. Once, Natasha said without any context to two people who did not know our lovely Tanya code name: 'The demon is haunting me, I need to go to bed'.

Charlize (one of the two people) thought it was some kind of metaphor for insomnia until I explained Natasha really meant 'my mum is telling me to go to bed'. The other of the two people was Alison. You don't need to know this but I'm just giving you the full picture. Except if you're a rare species of bird who does not know me in real life and really just stumbled across this in the abyss of Wattpad, I suppose it does not give you a full picture at all because you don't know who Alison is and cannot picture her. She has a lot of freckles. There we go, now you can!

We saw a British man at the airport and I said to my mum 'Look mummy, someone who sounds like you!' She asked him if he was from Bristol and he was not but he had been there. I have no idea why she said Bristol except for maybe the accent? My mother's accent is preserved from 80s Sussex anyways and the rest of her brothers have fully Americanised their accents. You can identify Chinese Americans like my uncles by looking inside their lai see fong to find green American dollars.

This is entirely irrelevant to the above diary entry and the below diary entry that I am planning on writing.

After the demon kidnapped Natasha, she later managed to call me back at 1 am! It turned out the demon had demonded a full body massage. Not yet satisfied with the services at Hotel Natasha, the demon then interrupted our call shortly afterwards in order to eat some chocolate ice cream.

Then I went to sleep, woke up, and wrote this.

I have not done anything else so I don't have much else to write. Oh no wait, I shall list out the Burmese words I know. In Florida, my grandmother spoke to me in Yunnanese Mandarin with Burmese words/phrases sprinkled in. I spoke back in Cantonese and poorly pronounced Mandarin. Surprise, I was in Florida for 2-ish months, trapped there by the fifth wave of Covid in HK. When I say 'wave', I really mean tsunami. But anyways, I can't do anything about it because I am not even a healthcare professional (yet) let alone a healthcare politician who really holds all the strings. So, back to being funny and ignoring the outside, unfunny world.

I am certain that Aung family's dialect of Yunnanese has experienced some kind of linguistic drift considering they left Yunnan for Burma during WW2. However drifted it is, I did not drift along and merely drown in a sea of incromphension.

Ain da - toilet
Dit nit dong lay nga chau kohn shit (pronounce it without the t) gor say - 12345678910
Qi sah muh lah- do you want to eat shit (pronounce this with the t! It is the English so)
Mah sah bu. - I do not want to eat it
Mah sah chin bu - I do not want to eat it right now
Mah ho bu - Not like that
Ba leh - what
Wah Wah - yellow yellow/my mum's name
Kyaw mint - my uncle's name
Mohinga- a food (type of noodle)
Beh kyaw- a food (fried bean)
Aloohjor - a food (potato chip)
Dan bao- a food (this meat rice thing)

There's a little bit more but I am finally done with my toilet trip so I can escape! If you are wondering why I typed out my half-menu vocabulary in awkward English phonetically it is because I am obviously entirely illiterate in Burmese. I say I am Chinese illiterate but I can actually read the Chinese subtitles on Kpop songs and write characters smoothly-ish but when I say Burmese-illiterate I mean 'do not know the alphabet at all, gets it mixed up with Thai the time we went to Thailand for my mum's cousin's wedding'.

We missed the actual wedding ceremony because it was at 7 am (when the hotel place was cheapest to rent) and we overslept. Who gets married at 7 am? Cheap, stingy people. They really are my blood! Money is thicker than water! Because it is a solid, and water is a liquid. Solids are denser. Particles vibrate around a fixed point. Goodbye. I will not write in my funny diary again until I either become a procrastinator or really do spend today finishing my book off and then studying, as I planned!

The rest is silence. Unless I decide to ditch Spotify studying music for my very own voice.

Studying Stockholm syndrome (induced by studying for too long) and fun learning (induced by when you find a topic interesting) is not the same as genuine happiness. But I'll take it!

Commercial Break: Natural Hair and Body Wash with Orange Essential Oil

A GIRL is drizzling liquid soap from a sleekly designed bottle into her hand.

GIRL: Wow! It looks like honey and -

The GIRL lifts her hand to her nose and smells the soap

GIRL: - it smells like oranges!

The GIRL washes her face in the sink, splashing water everywhere.

THe GIRL looks at herself in the mirror. Fresh, washed face, water dripping from her oily unwashed hair.

GIRL: Mmmmm.

FADE to a watercolour rendering of the soap bottle.

NARRATOR: Natural hair and body wash, with orange essential oil! Get it free now at your local quarantine hotel! Wash up, wash down, wash away all your sins!

CUT back to the flooded sink. The GIRL is now gone. An older woman (who has aged very gracefully!) enters the room. This is her MOTHER.

MOTHER: There's been a flooding! Alyssa! It's called a sink, not a splash!

CUE laugh track.