A SPY MOVIE

EXT. EVIL BARROW - DAY

The time is 4:35 pm. The day is Friday 28th of June, 2022. The event was Talks and Awards Day (subtle synonym that those in the know use to hide the true location of Evil Barrow.) Agent Ghosty Boni and Agent 376 have just been released from Evil Barrow, a maximum security prison masquerading as a school. Our two secret agents are in the middle of a conversation.

GHOSTY BONI
Uh.... I don't know.

376
What do you mean, you don't know? We must return to spy headquarters immediately! How shall we get there?

GHOSTY BONI
(Silence for a beat) What?

376
Spy headquarters.

GHOSTY BONI
Tie?

376
SPY. S-P-Y!

GHOSTY BONI
Oh. You mean what's in the spy headquarters? Spies are in it.

376
No, I— nevermind.

A TRAGEDY

GHOSTY BUNNY
Me dying in a coffin.

PAPISA
I know you're dying... goodbye.

Ghosty bunny dies.

The play is over. Why did Ghosty Bunny die? We don't know. We don't care.

Fade to black.

If you or someone you know is suffering from A-Levels, call 1-800-A(SSASSINATE)LEVEL now and we will help you assassinate a subject of your choice. Side effects include crying.

DIY MAD LIBS

Natasha stood on the table. The final dying sounds of the opera could be heard behind her. She felt agony because she had just run. She was always running because her sister had told her 'be careful what you wish for'. Running always caused those she cared about to sleep.

Natasha turned on her water bottle. It was time to tell the truth about all the running she had committed. "Sorry," Natasha confessed. "Sorry for... mashing your flowers onto the floor and stomping it. Several times."

The performer killed in and gasped in depression.

The end.

A-LEVELS THEME PARK OF FUN - ALYSSA EDITION

CHEMISTRY CHOO CHOO TRAIN
This ride is themed on a train that has gone out of control! Just like your procrastination! It is the most popular rollercoaster of them all! You will fluctuate up and down as much as your grades do!

REVISION RAIDERS
This ride is a special pirate-themed ride that only opens past 12:30 am. You have exactly 2 hours to run inside this pirate ship and steal as many revision tokens as you can! But wait! Each token is only 1% of a mark, and you can only take one token out of the ship at a time, and the ship is 1km long, and all the tokens are at the far end of the ship... so you better get revising!

TEAR-REATS
A special salty treat for a special crying child! Our trained chefs will make you water-based ice creams and other tasty snacks using your own tears! Make sure to visit a TEAR-REATS snack shop after you've ridden the CHEMISTRY CHOO CHOO TRAIN!

LITERATURE LAKE
Here you are, your favourite part of the park. A beautiful symbolic lake filled with free heart-shaped boats for park goers to rent. What a relaxing break from the rest of the park! But watch out! If you didn't spend enough time at the other rides, namely CHEMISTRY CHOO CHOO TRAIN, you'll pay the price here as your previously loyal boat captain pushes you overboard!

MATHS MADNESS
This attraction goes all throughout the park as a series of tunnels made of fallen trees. Each tunnel is completely filled with printed out maths worksheets (made from the deforestated trees). Your goal in this ride is to dig your way through each of the tunnels! Good luck! Make sure not to trip on any inextensible strings in the mechanics tunnel and to check the weather report for our above-ground statistics tunnel (which includes a special 1987 throwback section)!

BYE-OLOGY
The final ride of the park! It is a peaceful tree-lined zone, filled with animals and anatomy. All of our park employees will come to wave you out of the park. You thought this would be another torturous A-Level attraction, but it is actually very nice. In fact, it has the ideal qualities of a theme park attraction: not so terrifyingly difficult to ride that you struggle to get on it, actually useful for your future outside the park so you are forced to spend time on it (unlike our beloved Lake), and - most importantly and surprisingly - interesting in its own right! Farewell, park-goer! May we meet again.

EPQ EXTRAVAGANZA
Under construction.

GCSE THEME PARK OF FUN

SCIENCE SPEEDRUN
Biology, Chemistry, Physics? Doesn't matter, grab a textbook, hop on our fast-memorisation-vehicle and zoom along through the park! Revision? That's a one-day thing! Park-goers with a Mr Threemey's booklet may skip all lines.

LITERATURE LAKE
Very similar to our A-Levels attraction. However, in the GCSE park, you are allowed to float peacefully on this lake for many hours without ever being pushed in. At GCSE, Literature Lake is the unquestioned, undefeated favourite attraction

SIDE STREET, USA
Every other subject can be found on this street. You're not rebuilding them at A-Levels, so they don't matter! GCSE Set Work music will be pumped from all speakers on this street - feel free to listen! Or not! We'll give all park-goers a complementary 9 anyways! Use your temporary French skills to order food, talk about chores, and give directions around Side Street! Scream Bible quotes at the sky when lines are too long! And, of course, stick around for the daily Chinese New Year parade.

You will rarely enter this street except to use the toilets on the other end.

A-LEVELS THEME PARK OF FUN - NATASHA EDITION

BITE-OLOGY (UPDATE: NO LONGER IN SERVICE)
Welcome to the snake-infested gardens of Natasha's A-Levels theme park. Each snake is poisoned and there is no cure. You will be bitten. There are no trees and no way to climb to a higher grade boundary. You must remain on (the groun)D. Run fast enough and you may make it to other rides.

PHANTOM OF THE PHYSICS
This haunted house is known as 'the best one'. However, none of the laws of physics are obeyed inside this house. Park-goers are invited to solve physics problems printed on the wallpaper. If you get one wrong, the room will suddenly flip to obey the new laws of physics you invented in your incorrect working. Often, this will kill the park-goer. You will then have an exclusive opportunity to be employed by Natasha Theme Parks and Co. Your spirit will be freed when the BITE-OLOGY attraction is torn down.

UPDATE: BITE-OLOGY HAS BEEN MARKED FOR DESTRUCTION. All spirits may collect their bodies at the park gates.

CHEMISTREE
This treehouse is known as 'similar to physics for me'. Park designers were not given much information from Natasha. Since we cannot design the architecture ourselves, let us picture it as an enigmatic, graceful tree (which I would like to chop down and use as firewood).

MATHS MANGO STORE
Yum yum, unlike all other attractions, which have opaque instructions that are difficulty to get good at, the MATHS MANGO STORE snacks are very easy to eat! The more you eat, the better you get! Eating each mango is the equivalent of finishing on chapter's worth of maths questions. Unfortunately, upon entering the store certain parkgoers will immediately develop a severe mango allergy and be unable to consume most of the snacks. Whoops!

EPQ EXTRAVAGANZA: NATASHA EDITION
Also under construction - at an even earlier stage of development than the Alyssa Edition.