Anaya

Present (March 2025)

Everything wrong happens at once!!!!!!!!!!

Till few months ago, I was on a monotonous rant about my nightmare, boring life, lack of ambition and so on................and now I do not even have time to think about what's missing or wrong as I am consumed by series of "coincidences" that happened in the past 6 months that have derailed the course of my living, where do I even begin.....!

December 2024

Now that I am 34, I feel officially old, I mean I am almost in my mid thirties but mentally I am exhausted with an age of at least 90. Not that I realised it now but I have been feeling the same even in my twenties its just that the numbers are aligning with my state of mind now...slowly but steadily. First of all my birthday is on 29th December......it feels like next year only........second of all.....does that even matter! What really matters is that I am shocked by the sudden but stern appearance of the person I thought I will never again collide in my life again..........WHY!!!!!!!!!

It's like a chain reaction..............Earlier this year I met her and through that association I met him again!!!. But now she is not here..........Oh Man!!!!! I couldn't even believe it when he told me on my birthday that she is gone.........DEAD! She met a tragic accident and now she is out of my life just like that......It hit me hard not because I was close to her or anything............but because of our last meeting at the bar.

She called it shady but I like the vibe......people come and go.......they do not care who you are or what you are talking about........and neither do I. Also, the owner of the bar is a nice man, in his late 50s with lush white hair and beautiful green eyes and bright kind smile. Just looking at him smile.......... makes my day.......he is the literal embodiment of aging like wine. He is a German who moved to India around 30 years ago, fell in love with the place and the manager of the bar, his wife and made Delhi his home, his Hindi is more fluent than mine. When I went in the bar that day and the owner Hans, met me at the door and raised an eyebrow towards her "SHE IS OUT ALREADY".........I gazed in her direction and Yes.......she was out!!!!! It was clear even from that distance that she had drank too much and was wobbling to even hold her beer mug.......I smiled at Hans and went in..........even though it was October......she was wearing a full on coat.....that's made for snowfall.....I do not know what she was thinking......she was clearly sweating......I asked her while taking the seat opposite to her "ARE WE CELEBRATING OR BITCHING???"......she gave me a sarcastic smile "JUST SHUT UP AND DRINK........IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG EVENING........" I raised an eyebrow and asked the waiter for another mug. She drank quietly for first 45 mins and passed my time on internet searching for next book to read on coming weekend because I knew after her rant I would need some time to heal, suddenly she started talking "I AM LEAVING DELHI..........FOR GOOD!!!!.........I WIL LEAVE YOU ALONE........FOR GOOD!!!!! DO NOT EXPECT ME TO APOLOGIZE OR ANYTHING BECAUSE AS MUCH PAIN YOU MIGHT THINK I CAUSED YOU JUST KNOW THAT I HAVE......IN FACT I AM SUFFERING MUCH MORE THAN THAT...........MAYBE NOT FOR LONG............BUT I AM!!! TILL......." Even though her was clearly drank out of her mind..........the words came out clear and coherent. She stopped and looked at me in disbelief......and then began again....."WHY DO YOU NOT HATE ME? DO YOU PITY ME?...........NO......THAT'S EVEN WORSE!! JUST HATE ME ALRIGHT!!!!!" I rolled my eyes as I literally was tired.......tired from work and even more tired from her excuses and allegations.......I took a deep breathe and before I could say anything she said and I remember.........I clearly remember her words and more importantly her face.....how it crumbled with fear and pain........."IF.........IF I DID NOT MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL THAT TIME......DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE...............I MEAN DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE EVEN CONSIDERED TO BE WITH HIM?".............Now I am frustrated...."I WOULD NEVER CHOSE HIM SHEFY............I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE THIS BUT I REALLY DO NOT HAVE ANY INTEREST IN HIM.........NOT THEN.......NOT NOW! BUT LET ME TELL YOU SPECIFICALLY WHY TODAY SINCE YOU ARE LEAVING......SINCE TODAY IT SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE READY TO LISTEN TO ME AFTER ALL THIS WHILE...........IT'S NOT ABOUT THE PHYSICAL PREFERENCE OR ANY SUPERFICIAL REASONING..........I JUST DO NOT LIKE HIM AS A PERSON......YES, YOU CAN ARGUE THAT I LITERALLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HIM EXCEPT HIS NAME AND PROFESSION BUT...........IT'S INSTINCT...........THE MOMENT I SAW HIM...........I KNEW............I KNEW...........I NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!! EVERYTIME I TRY TO TELL YOU THIS YOU BLOW UP! AND I GET IT HE IS YOUR FRIEND AND MORE................BUT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU EXPECT EVERYONE TO LIKE HIM JUST BECAUSE YOU DO..........I COULD BE WRONG, MAYBE HE IS AN ANGEL...........BUT I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE MY INSTINCTS OVER YOUR OPINION OR ANYONE'S FOR THAT MATTER............HE IS TROUBLE..........IN WHICH FORM I DO NOT KNOW BUT HE IS............AND SEEING YOU LIKE THIS AND EVEN BACK THEN.......JUST PROVES ME RIGHT.......OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!"..........usually after this she would blow up on me or that is what I would expect since she treats him like a god.....but that day she was quiet............she just looked down then chugged her drink and said in a faint voice.....almost inaudible......."YOUR INSTINCTS ARE FUCKING RIGHT!!!!...........STICK TO THEM!"..............She tried to leave but could not even stand properly so I tried to help and then phone ringed........it's a mess!!! Between keeping her staring on her wobbling legs and she desperately trying to pick her call......I almost got hit by her......."WAIT!!!! THAT'S MY BROTHER.......LET ME TAKE THIS CALL!!! AND THEN YOU CAN STRUGGLE TO HELP ME......." I took the phone from her as she was not even able to swipe properly and listened "HELLO!! HELLO!!!!!..............ARE YOU THERE? SHEFY?"........strong husky voice.........I answered since she was now scrouched on the chair.....half asleep......"HELLO!!".....I could hear the confusion on his end as he heard my voice..................."WHO IS THIS? SHEFY WITH YOU?".....He seems concerned.......good for her.......my brother rarely even calls........."YES.........SHEFY IS WITH ME! SHE IS DRUNK AT THE MOMENT AND WON'T BE ABLE TO TALK......I AM TAKING HER TO HER PLACE..........I WILL LET HER KNOW YOU CALLED!".......He was patiently listening and then politely said......"THANKS! I KNOW SHE CAN BE HANDFUL WHEN DRANK.........BY THE WAY WHO AM I TALKING TO........FRIEND?".......I did not lie..........."NOT A FRIEND......ACQUAINTANCE........AYANA......WE KNOW EACH OTHER FROM COLLEGE!......DO NOT WORRY! SHE IS FINE......".......He politely answered...."Oh!...sorry...never heard you name from her......BUT THANKS!............IS VIKAS THERE AS WELL?".....I felt a sudden discomfort.......If he was here........... I wont be here..."NO......HE IS NOT!"......He thanked again and I cut the call......such a polite sibling......at least she got lucky there!!! Then I took her to the hotel as she managed to rumble the address  in her half sleep and threw her on her bed with help from hotel staff and left.

After that I did not see her.........did not hear from her...........nothing! It was only two months later in December, on my birthday that I got a call from random number........when I picked up......... it was him........."ANAYA!!! HI!......THIS IS VIKAS! I KNOW YOU WON'T HAVE SAVED MY NUMBER... SO...............I AM CALLING TO TELL YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.........IT'S BETTER YOU HEAR FROM ME THAN THROUGH OTHERS SINCE I KNOW YOU AND HER WERE INTERACTING MORE OFTEN IN THE LAST FEW MONTHS...........ACTUALLY! SHEFY...............SHE MET A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT TWO WEEKS BACK AND SHE COULD NOT MAKE IT! I THOUGHT.........." The moment I heard accident, I zoned out!!! How can it be she was talking to me in the bar two months ago..........she was fine!..........she even smiled! She.........she..............NO! He kept on rambling on the call but I had already lost him........"I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO MUCH OF A SHOCK FOR YOU..............I KNOW YOU GUYS WERE NOT CLOSE BUT.................." He is right! We were not close but death itself is sad for everyone and anyone.........I composed myself out of the shock and replied......."THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW! I KNOW THIS MUST BE HEARTBREAKING FOR YOU!............MY CONDOLENSCES!!"...........He answered "YES.........IT'S DEVASTATING AS SHE WAS MY GOOD FRIEND"......FRIEND? He is still calling her friend!...........Anyway..........I wanted completely out of this mess..........so I gathered and spoke "I KNOW IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME TO BE STERN LIKE THIS.........BUT I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN..................I HAD MADE IT CLEAR TO YOU BEFORE AS WELL..........I UNDERSTAND THIS WAS A SERIOUS SITUATION HOWEVER IN FUTURE..........." Before I could continue he cut me off with a strong but somewhat emotional tone and declaration "I KNOW ANU!.............I KNOW! YOU MADE YOURSELF CLEAR LAST TIME! BUT I.................I JUST CANNOT................I AM SORRY...................I CANNOT DO THIS................I CANNOT DISASSOCIATE FROM YOU...............YOU THINK I DID NOT TRY!!!!!!!..............ANYWAY! YOU ARE RIGHT........THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME! BUT WHEN IT IS, I WILL MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE AND ALERT.............I AM WILLING TO PUT DISTANCE BETWEEN US BUT I CANNOT LEAVE YOU ALONE...........BYE! TAKE CARE! AND........... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"...........what!!!!!! What fucking hell !!!!!! That moment I was more angry at him the being sad for her.........................MESS.......FUCKING MESS!!!!!!!!! 

Even now I think.............If only..........our situation was different and he was not in the equation...........we might have ended up being good friends...........a part of why I could not hate or even dislike her strongly was because I actually liked her personality! she was strong, creative, intelligent and passionate.............I really envied how she loved........loved him to the pieces.........and at the same time that's what scared me..............how she was able to be with him throughout........all these years........when he again after all these fucking years...........came to me and professed his love. I just do not understand and I really do not want to but this guy..............he just  does not leave me alone...............again......he called today.......kept texting since afternoon.................he wanted to meet.......something important..........BULLSHIT!!! what important stuff does he have to discuss with me?.................But since he kept insisting and I also had few questions around Shefy's sudden demise.........I decide I will meet him and this will be our last intentional meeting for sure.