The silver lining to being awake this late is that there's nothing to do but watch the dawn – layers of disappearing blues and hazy, promising pinks, holding everything and nothing all at once. There's a sad sinking in my chest as I sit and observe; although, I don't know if the dawn is to blame for that.

I don't think I've ever felt as stupid as I did getting back on that elevator alone. The lace under my PJs scratches me when I shift for the twentieth time, trying to get comfortable in the cold king-size. All things considered, it's an ironic sensation that both pisses me off and makes me want to cry simultaneously.

Why was Eric trying so hard to get rid of me? 'You've got to go back upstairs, Evie' 'You don't have to answer that, Evie'. His tight grip and gritted teeth made me feel like a child, incapable of speaking or acting for myself, and that hurt like hell. But the relief in his eyes when I left made me feel a thousand times worse. It was like he couldn't get me out of there fast enough. Like he was embarrassed by me.

I lied. There's no play at The Old Vic on Thursday. But that doesn't matter. All that matters is that he wanted me away so badly, that he didn't hear my Thursday. It's stupid, but I guess that's what's got me the most worried.

A nagging thought has made its way from my periphery into my eyeline, and I feel it staring me in the face. It's lingered all night, and now that it's got me where it wants me, it's smug. I'm not good enough to be here. Just like Kitty and Lolly whispered in my ear, clawed onto my arm.

I spoke too soon in that limo when I told Eric that I felt like I fit. I let the shiny dress and the warm town car interior fool me. I don't fit here. I feel like a spectator in it all, watching from above. From up here, it doesn't look right; it doesn't feel right. The migraine's closing in, and my heavy eyes have been threatening to close all morning. But before I let them, my last, horrible thought is that maybe I've got myself wrong. Maybe I'm not made for what I thought I wanted at all.

⏤

I don't know how long I was asleep for, but the sky is lightening when I hear clattering up the stairs. There's a sudden thud that makes me sit up stock-still.

"Ouch." Oh.

"Eric?"

He doesn't answer straight away, but after a moment more of noisy fumbling, the room lights up. He's steadying himself with a hand still on the light switch.

"Hi," he says, with a lazy smirk that makes him look like his father.

"Hi."

I've only ever seen him tipsy. I've only ever smelt him cedarwood-scented – not reeking of rum or whatever drink he's clearly had too much of. He pouts at me when I don't return his smile.

"Evie..." he drawls, "you're not cross with me, are you?"

I shrug. Cross isn't the word, but I don't know what is. "No. Not cross."

"Good," he grins, groaning as he flops onto his stomach on the bed. "I waited all night to see you. Don't want you to be cross."

He's controlling it well, but I can hear him slurring his words. He grabs my foot over the duvet and tickles it with a teasing smile. Even this drunk, with his bleary eyes and golden hair all over the place, he's still as charming as ever. I giggle, of course, and I want this to be it – for this to mean that everything's fine, but I have to say something. It'll eat away at me if I don't.

"You didn't have to wait all night though..." I say it quietly, looking at my chipped blue nail polish before I look up at him, but he's preoccupied, mumbling something about 'this little piggy' and wiggling my toes.

"Eric."

"Hm?" Here goes nothing.

"Why didn't you want me downstairs? With you and your friends?"

He frowns and rests his head on my foot, closing his eyes as though he's got a headache. "Oh, don't ask me that, my love."

"Wait, why not?"

"Because I don't wanna answer it."

My scoff is bitter, but it comes out before I can stop to reconsider it, along with my sarcastic remark. "Well that seems fair."

It takes me by surprise when he throws his head and whines like a child throwing a tantrum. Since he came in, he's had an air about him that I hardly recognise. Does alcohol really do that?

"They're rowdy, alright? They all- they get rowdy and I didn't want you around that."

"They're rowdy?" I huff. "I'm sure I would have managed, Eric, I'm not a child."

He's got his face pressed against the duvet, and when he starts to answer with his eyes closed, I almost feel bad for starting this whole inquisition at whatever godforsaken hour of morning it is. Until he answers like a petulant kid.

"Never said you were."

"Were you embarrassed of me?" I decide to come right out and say it. It can't make things any worse than the whiny waiting girlfriend cliché they already are.

He raises his head this time. He can barely hold it up straight, but, shakily or not, he's looking right at me. "What?"

"It just... it felt like you were the only one who didn't want me there. Like you didn't want them to see me, let alone speak to me."

In an awkward drawn-out manoeuvre, he sits up, and perches himself on the end of the bed – far away from me.

"Evie, what are you talking about? Why on earth would I be embarrassed of you?"

"I don't know," I sigh, and I can feel the word vomit bubbling, "it's just that things were going fine and then suddenly you're telling me that I have to leave and you'll see me later, but I don't see you later and I... I don't know, it felt like you were embarrassed of me."

Before I've even gotten through my babble, Eric's already squeezing his eyebrows. He presses his lips together like he's trying to hold back a chuckle.

"Is that what this is about? Love, I'm sorry I came back late, things just dragged on longer than I thought they would."

Okay. Okay, that's reasonable; that makes sense. So why am I focusing on the fact that he didn't actually say that he isn't embarrassed by me?

He's staring at me with his head tilted, like he's waiting for me to say something, but I don't know what to say. It feels like he's so far away and I just want him to come closer, hug me, tell me that it's all fine – that we're fine. Instead, he shrugs.

"I'm not sure why you're making such a big deal of this. Do you even believe it, what you're saying? That I'm embarrassed by you?"

I almost don't say it. My teeth are digging into my gum to stop me from making a complete fool of myself, but I say it anyway, low and quiet.

"When I said Thursday... you didn't say it back."

When his jaw drops as he lets out a scoff of disbelief, I want to take it back immediately.

"Wha- when did you even- look, love, I'm sorry, alright? You know I couldn't have said it in front of that lot anyway. I'm sorry, alright?"

When I don't speak, he gets up and starts rifling through his drawer. He's looking for his cigarettes.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine it's a week ago – back when everything was perfectly clear.

"I can't wait until we're back home," I murmur, "and things can just be perfect again."

Eric scoffs and his flushed faces blotches an even darker red. "Perfect except everything's a big fucking secret."

Eric hardly ever swears. Not at me, at least. With his back turned to me as he scours the dresser drawers, his words – the confession, the cursing – make me flinch. Then, they tug on that one cord that makes it feel like my insides are shattering.

He hasn't turned around, but he knows what he's said. His back tenses. I stop, take a deep breath, and prepare to ask him something I never thought I'd have to.

"Are you... are you not happy with how things are? With us?"

His hunched shoulders come down when he lets out another dismissive exhale. "Come on, Evie, don't be childish. I'm not saying that."

"Then what are you saying?" I want to sound strong, certain, but my voice trembles just a little and gives away all the fear that's welling up inside me.

"I'm saying it's frustrating. It's frustrating to come out here and be able to be with you, really be with you, all the time, knowing all the while we'll have to go back to fucking Thursday afternoons."

And there it is. The 'Thursday' I thought I wanted so badly. Except now it's dripping with bitterness and I wish he'd kept it.

"Didn't realise Thursdays were so unpleasant for you, I'm sorry."

"Oh, Jesus, if I'd known you'd get this upset I'd-"

He stops himself short. He'd what? He'd have not said anything and pretended everything was fine? He'd have not come back upstairs at all?

This time, when my voice quivers, I don't try to hide it. "I'm confused, Eric."

"And I'm drunk, Evangeline," he finally turns around to face me, "and tired. Tomorrow. We'll talk tomorrow."

I watch him as he goes, unsteady and unsmiling, and I want to ask where he's going or tell him to put his jacket on if he's going out, but I can't stand to see myself look any more pathetic than I already feel. So, I say nothing, and he says nothing too. He turns off the light when he leaves but doesn't say another word.

Suddenly the bed feels infinitely colder, and I hold the linen sheets tightly in my grip as I curl up in a corner. The lump in my throat won't go away, and all I want is a hug and for someone to say that everything going to be okay – I'm not alone; he's just drunk; we'll be fine. I fish my phone out from under the pillow, and scroll through my favourite contacts.

Mum's out of the question.

Babe would say she told me so.

Caz would tell me exactly what I hope to hear, but it would all be a lie – I know it would.

I put the phone away again, pulling the pillow right up against my cheek. As hard as I try to blink them away, the tears start to flow, and keep flowing until the linen against my face is soaked through.

I try and think of what Mum would say, under different circumstances. Probably something wise about tomorrow being a new day, and about worrying being pointless. For now though, as I squeeze my eyes shut to hold back my sobs in the dark, I just want to get to sleep.

⏤

Hi! I thought I'd give end of chapter comments a go, since I don't really have another way to let you know how grateful I am for your reading! So, thank you :)

I think this chapter marks...something... and so I enjoyed writing it despite the subject :) Feel free to give it a vote/comment if you enjoyed it <3