My diary to you, Anon.
December 12th entry

[8:18 am] I did it, Anon. I finally did it.  I got the right postage, I got the envelope, and I got to the post office and sent you my letters. It feels good... but also scary. Finally, I get my closure, and I get to say what I wanted. But at the same time... maybe no matter what I wrote, you and even maybe your family will react negatively. It isn't my intention to cause any turmoil or... just, suffering from me just sending those letters. All I wanted was to reach out one more time, no matter what.

There's a lot of things I wanted to say even after how late I wrote those letters. I know somewhere in there, that I wrote I wanted to be back together with you but it's "too much to ask". I don't really feel that way anymore. I don't think we should get back together unless you really want to, but I won't beg for it, nor do I think it would be healthy after being out of contact for so long. 

It's also kind of embarrassing... you might have read this diary from all the way up to here, and back when I wrote them, I was so upset and pathetic when I wrote them. I don't really feel that way anymore, either. I was so desperate for you. But like you, I've learned to live on my own. But at the same time, there's no reason to cut someone off. I don't wanna give up on you, cause I refuse to believe we spent so much time together, and that we put ourselves into each others lives so dramatically that it all getting torn apart is remotely even healthy nor possible. 

I know multiple times in my old diaries, I said I loved you, or I called you dear and stuff. I realize now that I don't feel that way anymore, and I'm sorry for calling you those names because I don't feel its right to, I don't think I have the right to. I also don't feel the same way about "running into your arms" or stuff like that, we'd need some distance first, in my opinion. And on the topic of 'I love you for who you are', I do. But I don't 'Love' love you, at least, I don't think I do. I think I'll only know that once you show me the part of you that you want to show me. 

If it's your cruel side where you deny my outright and swipe me off your sleeve like a worthless insect, despite me putting my heart out there, of course I'd never love you. But if it's the side of you that gives people chances, the side that believes some good can come out of letting go of the past, and if you show me the you that is honest and might even still have a space in their heart saved for me, I can grow to love you again. Because I know in my heart, there is a piece still saved for you and your family. And in my mind, I want to believe we've both grown past this and can be friends again. 

I'm not asking for any kind of commitment, nor do I want to seem like I'm an important part of your life again. I just don't want to be cut off anymore. I want to be able to keep you around and say your my friend. I don't want to put the blame anywhere, I just want to put it behind us. I'm not asking for forgiveness either, you shouldn't feel like you have to after everything. But I'm reaching out to you with everything I have, because I don't wanna give up. I hope you find a reason to agree with me on this, because I miss your company. And I miss your family's company. You all gave me a second home, you gave me a little bit of happiness in my life, and I'll always be grateful for that. Now that I've known to be without that for so long, I think it's okay to not have to depend on that stability anymore. But it doesn't make me miss you all any less.

I also feel bad since I didn't write either of your brothers a letter. I just didn't know what I could say. If you could tell them for me, tell them I still think they're really cool and I hope everything's going good with them! I wonder if Mr. Barbarian is off traveling right now? When I'm older, I'd love to go different places like he does. Life is too short to not explore and meet new people, and that's what I like doing too! Moving to my new city was a good thing for me, I know the bus schedule so I can go most places in the county on a whim, and there's tons of things close to me, and I've met so many new people and some old friends who walk around here. Exploring these places and doing things on my own makes me feel more grown-up, like I don't have to depends on people driving me places cause I can mostly do it all on my own!

Anyways, If you looked at this and got this far, I wanna apologize for the previous chapters just being depressing, endless drivel of begging for forgiveness. I've made peace with the fact you might truly never want to see me again, but I'm very glad I reached out how I did to say what I truly felt, and I can know that even if you deny me, I did what I could to make things right. If you want to reach out to me, I don't have you blocked on anything. I don't have your number blocked. I don't have your Instagram blocked. Or facebook. My main discord's username and number code is currently down, so you can contact me at RossCentral#6786 on discord. You can always reach out to me. 

I don't wanna bring you down or hurt you any more, nor do I want anything out of any potential relationship we could have except just knowing I don't have you cut out of my life. My mother told me that it sucks being cut off or losing a friend, because it's like that person died but is still walking around. She's right, and I can't stand that feeling. I know your out there, and I know we could still be friends if we gave it a shot. I won't mess it up. If you could give me one chance to talk to you without holding on to negative feelings, I believe it could work out. But being toxic to each other won't change anything, and I've changed. I won't be anybody's victim or villain. Because I know no matter what, that I myself have changed, and never once have I ever cut off friends or given up on them for good. That's what makes me strong, and that's what makes me believe we can still be friends.


I'm sorry if I can't convince you, your life is yours, and I will respect any decision you make. Cause I know we'll both be okay. Anyways, I think that's all I wanted to say. I hope to hear from you soon, and I hope your response isn't too bitter, because I'm only trying to make amends, or at the very least, say what I have to say and let it all go with nothing left unsaid. Anyways, good luck, wherever you are. See you later, Anon.