My diary to you, Anon.
November 5th entry
[12:04am]> Hey, Anon. I've been thinking about writing to you for so long now. Mainly because every time I fall asleep, I dream of you and I together and happy. And because every time I'm not occupying myself with the internet or school or home, I'm thinking of you. It's so scary living without you. My life seems so obsolete without you.

(Trigger Warning)
I considered... what it'd be like to kill myself. How... people would care when I did. That, maybe, you'd be able to finally hear about me and start thinking about me again. How you might even love me after that. Though... I knew I was never going to. It seemed like a great idea though. Ending it all quickly with a bullet and being able to enjoy seeing what happens. Finally being loved, and finally being freed of existence, all the while lifting a burden off of others. But... I already promised to live for others. I like to think they'd miss me, and I never liked too many tears. Enough of that though.

Anyways, I can't help but remember the dream I had about us. We were laying in bed, and all I could remember was you being on top of me and saying "You haven't given yourself enough credit. You've changed, and you haven't even realized it. That's why." And you hugged me, laying yourself on my chest. "I love you" you said to me. I couldn't help but in my dream burst out into tears and held you so close. You asked me "Why are you crying?" And I sniveled and said "I'm just so happy to have you back." And I held you even tighter. I cried so much that I woke up. I woke up without a single tear on my face, and sat up, feeling nothing as I looked at the sun shine in through the curtains. I laid back down and tried to go back to sleep.

I couldn't. I just lied there with my eyes open, just... disappointed I wasn't with you. I kept having dreams of the same thing, us being together and happy, another night in a row. Tonight would be my third night in a row, I know it. I can't stand how much I miss you. How much I miss us. I've been wanting to send you my letter for so long but I just don't have the resources to do so. I'm going to try tomorrow to get the envelope I need and the stamp and send it to you. I know if I texted you now or tried to reach out to you, you wouldn't understand. I feel like you would just push me out again and make me hate myself even more.

The bottom line is I just can't throw you away. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather die than be without you. I can't get over you. No matter how I look at it, I'm still in love with you. I know it has to be, since it's been so long. I can't let go quite the way you can. I don't want to either. I want to talk to you again and see you again and just talk like normal people. Without hating each other. Without placing blame or making each other feel bad. I just miss you for who you are and I want to spend time with you and be around you and just laugh and be happy like we used to.

I understand if you don't want to date me anymore, or even spend time with me for a while. Please, just come back into my life. I'll do anything. And to be honest, I know why you left me.

I hurt you. Every time you did something I didn't like, I'd try to make you feel bad for it. I'd make you feel less of a person and... it wasn't good. I should have expressed it in a different way. I was cruel to you... and I didn't realize how entitled I was being until it was too late. Until I kept trying to make you feel bad and it soon led to you shunning me out completely. I felt like I wasn't even in the wrong, that you were the one being difficult. But... i handled it terribly. I should have been more affectionate. I should have been honest with my feelings instead of turning them against myself and as hatred towards you. And of course... like you always say... I realize it until it's too late.

Anon... I don't want to be the bad guy anymore. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to hurt you or be a burden to you or make you feel as if you're not enough or that you hate yourself. I just wanted the both of us to be happy and not be hurt anymore. But I hurt us. I hurt you, and now I'm hurting myself. Just by not being able to see you or talk to you anymore, as well as your family, it kills me inside. I've been too afraid to talk to you. Too afraid to ask for help. Too afraid to be honest with my feelings.

Up until now I've been even keeping this diary in my drafts. Well... no more. I'm uploading it as soon as I'm done. I want the world to know how I feel. Anon, I can't stand living without you anymore. I'll do anything to see you again... and if I don't deserve any more chances... please, at least... give me the chance to see you one more time and hear it from your lips. I really want to know whether you loved me or not... or if your heart even carries the smallest love or happiness towards me. I can't believe you can just force it to be gone. You gave me everything. Now I want to give back. I want to redeem myself, just one more time.

If I live like this anymore, I feel like I'll lose it. I feel like I'll go crazy. I can't do it anymore. You were my everything, and I know I can't live happily or at peace leaving things the way they are. So... if you would be so kind as to let me have one more shot, I won't mess it up. I want to make you happy, and I want to stop living the way I am. I want to change even more than I already have.

So, Anon, I won't be giving up, at least not yet. I want to be good for you, and I want to be able to give myself another chance, and earn the rights to keep it. And I won't stop writing until... until this is all over. So, please. Don't give up on me either, because, oh god, I'm never going to give up on you. Mostly, I won't give up on us. I'm going to try to sleep now, and I'll keep you updated. Until then, goodnight, Anon.

P.S, considering you might find my letters soon... there's one important thing I forgot to say, before I go to sleep.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done. I'm sorry for all the times I made you hate yourself and think you weren't good enough. I'm sorry for all the times my family might have made you hate yourself or think you weren't good enough. I'm sorry for being so prideful and hateful when it came to certain things, and I'm sorry for waiting so long to send the letter and publish my diaries. I'm sorry for being weak and exploiting myself this way. I'm sorry I ever hurt you or made your life tougher than it needed to be. I'm sorry you gave me so much and I never realized it. I'm sorry that what I've done may not be forgiven. I'm sorry that I might not be good enough for a second chance. But above all, I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I always thought you were a wonderful and great person, and I believed that I would only be able to get rid of your depression and self hatred and then you could leave me. After so long, though, you and your family made me feel accepted. You gave me a second home. You made me feel like my needs wouldn't hurt others, and my wants wouldn't make anybody sad. I felt relieved of all the pain and loneliness every time I was with you. Oh my god, you saved me, Anon. You saved me from everything bad in life. And the worst part is I don't even want to run away from it anymore. I just want to run into your arms again and hold you tight, and never let go ever again. I want to treat you not like a queen, but as a person. A person who deserves love and happiness, cause you do. You always have. I've always believed that. I want to see it and I want to have another chance. My entire life is yours and I'll do anything to have you back. So, I'm sorry. You deserve this apology. I hope you know how I feel, and I'm going to continue to tell you how I feel for as long as it takes to reach you.

I miss you, Anon. Talk to me soon. I love you. Not as a lover, or a friend, but just for you being you. I hope to see you soon.

(Also, I know dear Evan Hansen is a musical you liked for a long time. It's the same song you sung me a year ago to make me feel better when I was sad. If I ever see you again, I'm going to listen to every musical you like and tell you about every single song. I'm also going to sing the male part of this for you, and hope you find it.)