My diary to you, Anon.
October 29th entry

[10:34 am] >Hey, Anon. Sorry I haven't spoken to you in a few days. I didn't have the nerve to write but felt there were lots of times I wanted to write to you. Where to start? Well, a lot happened over the weekend. I went to a party, met a very nice girl who shared a lot of my interests, and I talk to her every now and then over social media. Although I'm not interested in her the way I'm interested in you, it's nice. She seems to really vibe with me. At that same party, though, I actually kissed a guy for the first time. Me and him kinda had a "bromance" going on and it was kinda cute, but when we decided to go for the full on kiss, he seemed shy but really happy about it, I think. So much for me being homophobic now, huh?

Despite that kiss, you're still always on my mind. As much as I like him, he hasn't really established where our possible relationship stands, along with the fact I'm moving soon and I'd feel bad to start something between us just to leave him. He's a really good guy and deserves a lot, but I'm not sure I'm the one to give him what he needs. Once I move, there's no real way to spend time with him or be around him, and I think that would kill us. But That's what I miss about you so much. I felt like I could give you the world, no matter how far apart we were. Your parents were always so helpful when it came to making us happy and keeping us together. The time we spent together, well, I really felt like you were the one. I just didn't expect us to fall apart so soon and so quickly, without even as much as a second chance to be in your life. But that doesn't mean I'll stop trying to be part of yours.

I also came to realize the way my life is going right now, I don't wanna fall back in love with you and date you again. I just miss you. I miss talking with you and laughing with you and getting away for a while from my own life and enjoying your company at your house. I want that back, I really do. I just want to be your friend. I just don't know why you don't want that. I never wanted you to hate yourself. Just the fact you put the blame on me just... hurts. How do you think you would feel if you tried so hard to relieve someone of what ailed them their entire life, and they blamed all of it on you? It hurts, it's like you've become the very thing you hated. I only wanna see the best in you. But to see it, you need to let me be there for you. I don't want to be an asshole anymore. I just want to see you again.

Well, class is over and I need to get going to my next one. Talk to you later, Anon.

[1:08 am] > Hi, Anon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I miss you so much and I just have a lot on my mind. I don't wanna fall asleep without you next to me anymore. I know I said I just wanted to be friends, and I do. It's just that... one more time, I wish I could feel it. Being so comfortable and so safe having you next to me. Knowing I'm not alone. Earlier today on the bus I was re-reading your own diaries you stopped writing a year ago. It was when your depression and self hatred was a lot worse. It angered me to read those old entries. How could you hate yourself that much? How could want that? Most of all, why did I let myself get consumed by that?

(Trigger warning) In the past, I cut myself over how depressed I got over you. Whether it was me reflecting on your past and how it hurt to remember it, or it being the own doubts placed inside my head when I couldn't help you through what you were going through. Mostly it was because I tried to take the burden of your depression onto myself, and I wasn't ready. I thought that if I hurt myself as I cried my heart out, I'd be... more like you. I thought our worlds would be closer and I could be more... there. I was wrong though. It's twisted now that I think about it. All I have left are the scars to remind me how weak I made myself for you. I hate those scars.

But I did it for you. I don't want to do anything without you, now. I miss you and your family and all the time we spent. I hope I can see you soon, even if it makes my heart heavy every time I see you. I feel the need to talk to you grow more and more each day. I guess when it comes down to it, I still want closure. As much as I don't want to, I'm going to try to sleep. I'll try to imagine good things, even though I don't have you here with me. Goodnight, Anon. I miss you so much and I hope you're happy right now while you live your life. Please don't hurt others. Don't throw them away. If you're aiming to become a better person, that's something you should avoid. Thats why I want so desperately to be in your life again. Cause I know the type of person you want to be and who you're trying to be. But cutting me out of your life and throwing more things away isn't going to make you a better person. I won't let this end without seeing you one more time. Please... wherever you are, I pray that you're thinking of me... and that maybe you miss me even the slightest bit of how I miss you. Goodnight.