January 28, 2011

Dearest Clint,

I broke my own rule today. I cried. I cried for you. 

Your funeral was beautiful. Fury wanted me to say something but I couldn't pull myself together. I was a mess. There was mascara running down the sides of my face. Did you see me? Did you see me crying? I hope not, that isn't how I would want you to see me.

Im sorry I put you through all that pain, you didn't deserve it. You never did anything to deserve it. I wish I could've woken up and hugged you. I wish I could've kissed you again. 

I remember all those things you spoke about. Budapest, our first kiss, our first dance, our first mission, our first Christmas. Everything. I will never forget any of them. 

I wasn't thinking while I was in a coma, Clint. But if I had been thinking, it would've been of you. 

I loved the Christmas gifts and the birthday gifts. How did you know I wanted new guns? 

I miss you Clint. I miss you so much. 1 year ago today, you started a journey without me. Today, I am starting my journey without you. I dont think I will be able to survive without you. 

Don't ever leave me Clint. You wouldn't, would you? You wouldn't leave me alone now? You didn't before. 

Clint Barton. I love you.

Before I go, I just wanted to say, yes.

-Natasha.