It all begins here, 2018.

I woke up early in the morning, feeling scared. My mom was sleeping so softly next to me, and I tried not to cry. I had a nightmare again.
He was there, with his best friend, talking to me when suddenly, it started to rain. My mother was looking at me in disgust, she didn't want me to talk to him ever again after what he have done. But there I was, begging for an explanation again.
When I saw her, I ran after her, but it was too late: she already left to nowhere in my dreams. I turned around, feeling terrible, and I found myself in a wood with red leaves and a white dress, the same dress I wanted to wear when I get to marry him.
But there he was, out of context, lying in my arms, telling me he loved me, bleeding. I started to cry so hard.
Looking at my mom made me realize we were fine and always will if I don't get in contact with Julian again in my life, though I really loved him, I had to be strong enough.
Loving someone is beautiful. You get to feel all the little things you didn't notice before. To dedicate part of your life to someone really special is something I'll do with a great pleasure as long as I know that person would never betray me in any way.
Julian has taught me some things.
First, to never believe that you are going to have the same love story as your parents or that you might end up just like them. You make your own path. And for me, what I had with him was the purest thing ever. He helped me to believe in a future with someone else than just me, to show my feelings and to take care of someone.
Second, he taught me the meaning of real pain. Being with him has been a ride, and for being my first relationship, I kinda had enough. I had been for 9 months with someone who had cheated on me and called me a sort-of-a-whim.
The day was gray, my heart was crying and I just wanted to sleep in peace, without worrying about what would the next nightmare be.
I only had one month of vacation left. I was about to start the junior year, which means that not so many new students will arrive, but definitely this year got something new to bring.
-Mom, can we go to the shopping mall? I want to buy some things.
-Enough of makeup darling, what do you want?
-To think in something more than Julian.
She gave me the look "shut it, get over him, don't be an idiot" while she was drinking her cup of coffee.
-It's just too early to talk about bullshit right now, don't you think so Anne?
And while she was finishing her breakfast, I took a shower.

After I bought some new clothes and a bag for school,  I got a text from Laila. The latest news:
She already ask Lissa to be her girlfriend.
And I couldn't be more angrier or happy at the same time. Laila was my best friend, one of my sisters, and she have been in love with Melissa since, like, forever! But Lissa was so... Lost. She doesn't even know if she likes boys or girls, and when you tell her that maybe she is bi, she starts to cry or to get angry like, what the actual fuck.
Well I guess she finally decided it. And I really hope it works out for Laila.
I wasn't in a romantic mood so I was pretty short and clear with her about her new relationship. I told Laila in a text:

Well, if she makes you happy, then I'll be happy, but I don't think it will work out, she needs to mature. Love you Lai.

But Lai just left me on read.
I mean, I'm really sorry if I sounded like some hateful girl who is envy of a relationship because she couldn't make it work one on her own, but Laila deserves so much better than that nut head.
But again, Laila gets to be the one girl she had always liked. What about me?
George never liked me, he once said I was too young for him. And Joshua?
Well, I guess I'll see him this year with his girlfriend again. Though I don't know if they are still together, I haven't heard gossips about them for a while, and the last time I saw them was at the movie theater. Maia's words keep rolling in my mind:
If they would just stop faking it.
But it doesn't look like a fake love. It never did.
Anyways, I guess this is definitely not going to be my year. If I started like this, with a broken heart already, how would I end it?

The thing about being heartbroken is also a deep shit. Like when you thought you would be forever by the side of that someone, that you also thought was your soul mate. Remembering all of the things you went through, the kisses and pretty nicknames, the crying and laughing. The hugs and those "I love you" after big fights. Those were my memories with Julian. And my mom always hated him but if she only knew how much he meant to me. And still does. It hurts a lot to think that I might never see him again. And if I do might be next to someone else.
But the thing that hurts me more, is that he did things to hurt me being aware of my feelings, and is something I will never, ever really understand. What have I done to him, besides loving him? Finally got to get feelings for him and he payed me like this. What a crap.
But the good thing about being heatbroken is that you could feel so identified with songs or books or anything related to art. Like that song of Mayday Parade, which tittle is longer than the song itself.

You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, I'll be the wings that keeps your heart in the clouds.

I wanted to text Julian so bad and ask him everything, but I couldn't. This is the time, the right time, to stop loving someone more than I love myself.
And how hard it was going for me to learn that after such a lesson I received. Thank you, Julian.