The reason I don't want to hangout with you before anything sexual is gonna happen is because I worry that youll realize I bore you immediately. And I like to pretend that I dont want a relationship with someone and turn them down first so that I can pretend they werent thinking the exact same thing...

I like to believe that im too complicated for people to get, a mystery. But thats complete bullshit I'm an open book. I wonder if she likes girls? I do! I wonder if she likes me? Why not!

But showing all my cards means that their the last one with the option to bluff, like I've already lost just by speaking. Maybe its not that I think I confuse other people, I just confuse myself.

Because there is literally no way for me to see myself and my behavior and know if how I act is cute and qwerky or weird and desperate. Thats why I need constant validation and thats seems...desperate. So if we hangout and all of this immediately turns you off, I'm again, not gonna know what im doing wrong and not know why you don't wanna be with me in the slightest anymore.

So why cant we just start the kissing before I start speaking???