Warning! Extreme angst up ahead and i wrote this at 1.30 in the morning so beware! It's dark and stormy thoughts ahead for all you smol and carefree people.

I'm serious. don't read whats down there. when i re-read it even i feel that im dark hahahhahahaha

I miss my old life. You know, those times when you were just a little kid, writing on Wattpad, chatting with online friends, not caring about that much stuff in the world. Now, it's different. Now i have stupid responsibilities that i don't want, an uncomplete family that i want to put back together, and a life that i...dont even know anymore.

I miss those times when we just rode the car to the zoo, the next worry just about what to eat for lunch and whether your parents would get you the toys you want. Back when your parents were together, before we moved houses. Before I had to leave. Before...everything.

Before boy-trouble, before the stealing, before the guilt, before the worry. Before the new friends, before the losing of old friends, before my life got fucked up, before the late nights, before the lying, before the heart-breaking, before me hurting my family without meaning it. Before me ignoring my parents and loved ones unknowingly at the time, only to notice it at the last moment.

Back when the times were simple, to the playing, the laughing, the smiling, and the...just...that feeling. That feeling of innocence and freedom, I want it back. I don't want any of this shit in my life right now. I don't want it. At all. Sometimes I wonder what it's all for. If we're gonna die, why live? If day is gonna become night, why become day?

But I always come back. Because I'm scared. I'm scared that if I leave, I won't feel happiness anymore. I'll worry my parents, something that I don't want. I'll leave sadness in wake, I'll never pursue my dream, I'll never achieve or lose, I'll never enjoy adult-hood. The happiness when you finally have the independence you're craving for, when you can make your own decisions. When you don't have to worry about your parents scolding you for spending money, your savings. When you can just...freely do anything. Without scolding, without shit. I want that life.

But too bad for me, I only get that life if i work hard enough, which i obviously dont. I rly try, i want to! But i cant. i get distracted, every time. i cant do it. im not strong enough. i always need to depend on somebody. for now, thats my parents or my sister. but sometimes i trust my friends even more than i trust them, which is a pretty bad sign on my part. but i cant help it.

just... grow up. i want to be someone thats recognised, someone thats independent, not depending on someone for money, someone who can at least take care of themselves. someone whos strong. i need that kind of person. that person that i want to be. but i cant. at least not now.

sometimes i think the only thing that keeps me going is my dreams. that they are my life-line. i just cant explain it. i live onto that hope that i'll see my idols, that i can be friends with them. not lovers, just friends. i want to support them for who they are, whatever they do. my dreams...i love them. when my parents take them away temporarily sometimes i blow. i explode, even though deep inside me i know its not their fault. its mine. i never told them. how would they understand? they might, but im not ready. not ready to let everyone worry for me, to take care of me. i want to run away, but i cant. im too weak. i just cant. i hate this feeling of helplessness, but i cant get rid of it, and i hate that the most. i f-ing hate it like shit, and i cant get rid of it...which is what i hate.

most people hate school, but sometimes i feel eager to go. its like my getaway place from my problems, a place where i know i can pretend to be the good girl. the place to be good. the place to have fun with friends and be free. but i cant stay there forever. which is the only part i hate about growing up. i cant stay in school. i cat stay young forever. even i know that.

i dance. i dance to take away that feeling of hopelessness. i dance to let all my feelings go. i just dance. i dont do anything else. i lose myself in the choreography, i lose myself in music. its the only thing i can count on right now. one thing i know will never die. it'll stay alive in me forever.

okay! thats all the angst for now i guess. for those who actually read all of it, im sorry for putting you guys through my dark thoughts, but if you didnt, congragulations! you're life can hopefully get better and not get influenced by these dark and shitful thoughts of mine. heh.

I actually wanted to write more, but i felt like ive done enough damage to ya'll for now. i know one day im gonna look back and say..wow...even the worries i had back then were simple. but trust me. the worries now are big enough for me now i say. so.

anyways.

i have no idea how to end this shit off. i feel like i should write more hahahhahahhaah. ok i'll stop. hmm this feeling of writing was good. i'll probably come back again soon n pour my angst here, soooo get ready!

i love ya'll! stay healthy and happy and don't learn from me n my shit! Baizzzzzzz