This chapter is dedicated to @nellathorn one of my talented friends who has always been there to give me advice 😊 It's been a while and I miss you, but I hope you'll like this little thank you gift 😘❤

"Fuck, I'm not good at this." He lets out a frustrated sigh at the same time that he lets go of my hands to pass his fingers through his hair for the umpteenth time, and when he glances at me again, something seems to click inside his head, while mine is even more blurred. "Just wait a second." He puts his index finger up and disappears before I can even say anything, not that I would anyway.

I'm already busy trying to find my breath again as I watch him rush to the end of the hallway into a small door that looks like a broom closet. 

What in hell is this? I'm already enough lost; I don't need the devil to add to the confusion. Though he doesn't look like the devil. He's seemed nervous, and I've never seen him like that.

He keeps showing me new parts of him, and this is not how it is supposed to go; I'm especially not supposed to find them even more attractive and cute. He's cute, running his fingers through his curls and frowning like he's trying to pierce some mystery, yet at the same time, his gaze is still unsettling and intense.

I really need to stop. This is not how I'm gonna calm down and breathe. So I try to inhale calmly, pacing around and focusing on the decorations we've put here too. 

The afternoon sun is beating down on the plate glass windows, and it's clear that there won't be snow this year, yet the rays of lights illuminating the fir branches, reflecting on the colored baubles, and outshining the fairy lights are making it magical in their own way. 

Maybe it's a nice thing that this party is taking place during the day and not for the Christmas dinner. I know it's because there are more people this way; people like to celebrate the Christmas Eve dinner with their family at home – that's what we're going to do in a few hours – and the kids can enjoy more of the party this way, yet the different lighting is also a great reason, and I definitely will put it in my blog post.

I'm calming down as I let the ideas flow. This is the only thing that clears my mind and makes it easier to breathe.

However, it doesn't last as Theone reappears in front of me, and all the turmoil comes back in an overwhelming rush that takes my breath away at the sight of the bouquet in his hands. 

It's the most beautiful bouquet I've ever seen. It's Christmas-themed with golden ribbons, fake sparkling snowflakes, a few sprigs of mistletoe, and red flowers: poinsettias, tulips, amaryllis, and... roses. My heart leaps, crashing loudly against my ribcage with the meaning behind them. 

Maybe Theone doesn't know, maybe...

"Penny, I didn't like these past days with you, I loved them... They're some of the best holidays I've ever spent, and even if it was crazy and we didn't agree on anything, I loved every second. I love who I am with you, just myself. I love talking, laughing with you... kissing you... I love how passionate you are, I love your big heart... I think I love you – No, I know I love you."

I think I've lost my heart somewhere during his speech. My breath is long gone; that's for sure, and my mind is following.

"I know you have feelings for Aden and your plan with him, but..." His words become hesitant again. "I think there is something special between us... I don't know if you feel it too? I don't know what you feel..." His eyes search over my blank face before glancing at his camera hanging around his neck, and there, I feel it again, my heart coming back in my chest through a furious hammering. 

I know I have to talk. His eyes are waiting expectantly with more hope and fear than I've ever seen. Yet I don't know how all the heroines of the romance movies can reply so easily and perfectly because Theone's penetrating eyes are annihilating my breath; my fears and doubts are paralyzing me, and my heart is a lost cause rocketing in my chest.

"I-I... I feel it too," I whisper with a trembling voice. "I think I have feelings for you too, but..."

The second I pronounce this last word, the light in his eyes switches off, the Christmas tree shades turning into an abandoned tree the day after Christmas.

"'But', I don't like this word."

I gulp, the thick lump in my throat adding to my difficulties to speak. "But, you're going back to travel the world in a few days, and I'll go back to San Francisco... or maybe New York if–"

"I can stay," he cuts me off, his gaze finding light again. "I can take pictures anywhere. I can follow you. I told you I could... if I found love."

"This is craziness! How can you be so sure? I mean, you've said it yourself, we don't agree on anything, and you're made to travel the world. You would get bored after some time..." My voice grows a little bit more assured with the bitterness of what I've already thought about. "It wouldn't work... you and me..."

The light goes down completely in his eyes, thick shutters falling heavily with his furrowed eyebrows, and I feel the heavy weight on my chest.

"Oh no, not your excuses! You can say that you don't feel the same, that you prefer Aden, but not your pathetic reasons." His jaw locks, and he glances between me and the bouquet as if hesitating to throw it at my face. I would deserve it, and that would be better than his words. "You've said it yourself: stop thinking, and isn't it what all your cheesy movies are about?!"

Ouch, after all the times I've argued and defended that those movies can be true, I don't have any arguments. "I..."

His gaze softens in front of my open mouth. "You don't have to answer me right away. I can wait. But I'm not gonna be a consolation prize, and I won't wait forever."

"Theo! It's time for the speech!" I hear Patricia call in the distance, yet I don't even move.

"Yes, I'm coming!" Theone waves somewhere behind, and then turns to me. "I gotta go..." His eyes flicker from my eyes to my lips back to my eyes a few times, probably searching for something more to say to convince me and pull an answer out of me, yet also gazing at me without expecting anything more; it's almost like he's savoring that I'm still here. 

He hands me the bouquet that I take with my shaky fingers, and he walks away.

I'm standing there frozen, or more exactly, burning, trying to process everything, every word, every breath until my heart finally breaks me out of my trance with one of its loud bangs.

"Theone!" my hoarse voice calls, my body finding back its movements.

But he is already passing the door on the other side.

I don't have any more clue about what to reply to him, yet it's the strong beats of my heart that are guiding me. I run to the door. 

However, as soon as I enter the wide room, I'm stopped in my tracks, the overheated air hitting me as I take in all the people around the room.

I search frantically for Theone, and quickly, I spot him when one of Patricia's colleagues hands him the mic on the small stage where all gazes are directed towards.

Theone steps there with his usual confident gait, and it's almost unfair how at ease he is, while I'm standing there breathless on shaky legs. Though I still notice the slightly flustered look in his eyes, where the usual sparkle is missing.

I'm about to turn around, not bearing this sight that makes me feel too much inside my overwhelmed chest, when he starts speaking.

"Um, there's no need to thank me." He glances towards Patricia and her colleagues before turning back to the whole room. "It was one of the best experiences of my life. I had so much fun, and I found a lot about myself during this week of preparations... I think it's me who has a lot of people to thank. First, thank you for giving me a chance when it was clear that I had no experience in any organization, though I have a lot of experience in parties."

A light wave of laughs is heard around the room, and I'm sure I hear Jason shout a snide remark somewhere, but I'm only focused on Theone.

"I also wanna give a special shoutout to my parents because they're the ones who have organized those parties for so many years, and I think they would love what we've done this year. They're the reason why I've volunteered, but now, I have 50 more." He glances around the room, some light coming back in his eyes, and I find myself smiling alone in my corner. "You can give a warm round of applause to all those awesome kids, the little elves." He smiles widely, joining the loud and cheerful claps around the room, and when the silence comes back, his face turns serious again.

"And finally, the one without whom I couldn't have done all of this, because yes, this party would have probably been only cheap decorations and some crackers without... Penny Jensen."

He's really said my nickname? I should be mad, but I'm too dumbfounded to care. I hear vaguely another round of applause and calls of my name around, yet I stay hidden behind my Christmas tree in my corner. I wouldn't be able to stand on stage in front of Theone's piercing gaze, and even less talk.

"As much as she's annoyed me with her lists, they've been useful, and she's the only one who can put all those crazy requests and make it a magical Christmas party." He shakes his head, exactly the same way as when he's first seen the long list of requests we've had, and we've done it, together.

"She never gives up, and it's thanks to her creative mind and beautiful heart that this party is so special this year." He turns to me, his penetrating gaze finding me instantly behind my tree. "Thank you for believing in all the kids here... thank you for believing in me..." he adds lower, but I hear it loud and clear, like the hammering of my heart while the applauses are just a rustle in the background.

I also hear perfectly the way he clears his throat after an intense second of boring his gaze through my soul. "Um... I think Patricia has thanked everyone else..."

I don't stay for the rest; I need to breathe because I haven't been breathing through all his speech, and now, I'm suffocating. It's like that Christmas coziness I love so much has turned more intense, thickening the air more than a steam room. Now, I understand what the turkey must feel on this day.

I run until I'm standing in the colder hallway, and I realize I'm standing exactly where Theone has made his declaration. 

His declaration... It's been far from the perfect ones in my favorite movies; it's been messy, yet it's gone directly to my heart, just like him. I don't know if it's the way his eyes have shone at me, or how his words have felt like pulled straight from his heart, and his bouquet... I'm still holding it tightly in my hands. Then, those words he's proclaimed in front of everyone, they've felt like another declaration.

Yet all of this doesn't change what I've told him, what I've heard echoing inside my head: Theone and I are not possible. Like everything when we're together, it would end in a disaster. 

He's my brother's best friend; he shouldn't be something else. If things ended badly between us... I don't want to ruin their friendship; I know they're like brothers, and Theone doesn't have a lot of family left.

I try to take deep breaths, but it's like my heart doesn't let me, protesting loudly inside my chest and growing stronger as Theone's words keep echoing. No one has ever said such words to me, even if it's far from perfect, he's spoken to my heart. I know it, just like I know I have feelings for him. 

But how can I be sure this is enough? That it isn't just a crush with the holiday magic around? I've just discovered I have feelings for him, this morning; it could pass as fast. Shouldn't we be sure when it's true love? That's what I've felt with Aden.

Aden, I've completely forgotten him in all of this. Theone has told me to choose between them two, yet it doesn't feel like this. It resembles more a battle against myself.

"Penelope?" Speaking of Aden, he appears in front of me with his tender cinnamon eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I am, I just needed to breathe a little," I reply, still breathless.

"Everyone was looking for you. Did you hear Theone's speech?"

Yes, and that will be part of the cause of my death suffocation.

"Yes, I did..." I look down, hoping he will understand that I don't wanna talk about it, but apparently, Aden is still as oblivious.

"He's right..." I snap my head up to find his cinnamon eyes focused on me. Those cinnamon eyes, one of the reasons why I've decided to do my 'holly', 'crazy' Christmas romance plan, along with our many things in common from chocolate tastes to our habits to write down everything, our organizations, and many more.

We have so much in common; it's what's supposed to build love, a strong and forever love like my parents, a perfect harmony with no fight, a warm and steady fire in a cozy home.

Theone and I fight all the time. He's messy, impulsive, and he loves minty chocolate. We're almost opposite, and together, it's sparks that fly everywhere, a wildfire that can either consume everything or die out at the first cloud. It's nothing serious to build a home, yet it's him who feels like home.

"I've learned what you've done for Lilly and Alexis, for all the kids, this is really beautiful... You've made me find more than the Christmas spirit."

Oh, no, not this, not now. I've wished to hear those words for so long, but right now, I can't handle it. I'm already suffocating. My chest is too full of overwhelming and confused emotions. I don't need more; I will explode.

"Oh please, shut up!"

This is not me who says this, although my crushed lungs could have screamed those words. 

It's Mrs. Newman, our old neighbor, and apparently, she's talking to her husband as they're leaving the party. "Let me talk, and push the wheelchair."

"You always twist the story when you tell it, honey!" Mr. Newman grumbles, still pushing softly the wheelchair where his wife is sitting, while the young woman seeing them to the door is laughing lightly. 

It's true that their interaction is easing the atmosphere, emanating lightness, coziness, and happiness. They've always been like this. I've seen them all my life, just a few houses down the street, and they're exactly as I've remembered, although now Mrs. Newman can't use her legs anymore. But they still look fine and happy, bickering, yet still radiating joy.

This lightness is what I need. Even from the other side of the hallway, they're attracting my attention. I don't even know if Aden is still talking – I know it's bad, but it counterbalances for all the time he's caught all my attention even more than necessary.

"When we first met, I couldn't stand him, and I still can't most of the time," Mrs. Newman notes playfully. "But I realized that what I can even less stand is being without him. I just can't live without him."

I stumble back as Mrs. Newman's words hit me like a harsh blow.

"Are you okay?" Aden furrows his eyebrows, as I probably look as white as a fresh coat of snow.

Am I okay? I don't have time to solve this existential question.

"You're under the mistletoe!"

Now, I'm not okay.

I look around to find Patricia and her husband, along with another couple, all staring at Aden and me. 

I risk a glance up to find the sprig of greenery that I seem to attract above my head these days, and then my gaze settles on Aden's embarrassed expression. Those brown eyes, the sprig of mistletoe, it's everything I've wished, yet now, I can't. I already feel like a snow globe shaken by a hyperactive kid. I don't need more turmoil or any emotion. I can't handle anything anymore.

"Um, no, not now, I–"

"Come on! It's Christmas Eve!" Patricia's friend insists with a smile.

"Just a little kiss," Patricia adds, shrugging.

I know that 'officially' Aden and I are a couple, that it's been planned on my list, but I'm still racking my overwhelmed brain to get around this as I turn back to Aden.

However, I barely have time to glimpse his awkward shrug before his lips collide with mine. I close my eyes out of instinct, and in a desperate attempt to find some answers, or just a little clarity, I respond to the soft brushes of his lips. 

Yet I don't need long to realize that I can't find any of that. His lips taste like sweet cinnamon, exactly like I've imagined, but nothing else is like I've expected; at least, not inside me.

I pull away abruptly, finding Aden's wide puppy eyes, though just for a second, as everything gets blurry.

"I'm sorry." I run away before the tears can escape my eyes.

Those tears that have warmed my eyes a few minutes ago in front of a black Christmas tree and a future family have changed dramatically, and they are carrying all the overflow of emotions I've felt today as they meet the cold air on my cheeks.

Wow! A lot has happened in this chapter! What do you think? 😳😬 Tell me your thoughts on Theone's declaration (or should I say 2 declarations)? He's so cute 😍, and also on what you think will happen next 😏😉🤭

Penny seems totally confused 😵 And this kiss?! Did you expect the mistletoe would be above Aden's head this time? 😉😅

Don't forget to vote ⭐ and comment if you like this chapter and are excited for the ones to come tomorrow!! Wish me luck to finish on time for this!! 😘😅🎄🎅🏼 Though it's all the love and support you send me that are the best motivation ❤😘