Hey........ ^^

Now this is part explanation, part rant so here it goes.

In my last post, it was basically a snippet into what was going on with me cause I feel like I kinda owe that to you guys.

But here is the in detail: As some of you may know, I was in a relationship last year.... but as I none of you had known, it was an abusive relationship.

He didnt hit me, but rather was emotionally abusive with a mix of sexual assualt on the side. But I was so naive that I thought I had to change for him because my unhappiness was MY fault and that I needed to please him...so that meant wearing tighter clothes to make him look at me with emotion (now I know it was lust, not really love), change how I talked because it made me sound "immature", change who I hung out with cause "I must hang out with people around my own age".

That was the manipulation part. Then there was the insults that would come when I wouldn't follow these so called "rules". And when he broke up with me the first time (yes, the first time) I thought I had done something wrong...

I started to want to change myself, that I must change in order to get him back otherwise I'd be nothing...

And when he asked to get back together, you can imagine how happy I was....but we only lasted a month.

I guess he noticed my unhappiness because he didnt insult me or try and manipulate him, so I thought he had changed.

Big fat nope.

The final straw for me was Valentines Day. I had known we wouldnt last but I wanted to give him something to remember me by so after a month of searching I found a bracelet that had the cross engraved in it (we met at church). But it was online so I asked one of my friends (bless her soul) to buy it for me on her debit card and I would give her the money in cash. Simple. But my friend fell really ill and couldnt come to school so I could give her the money.

But instead, she bought me a cross necklace worth 50$ for me to give to him and she didnt even want me to pay her back!!

I was so happy and when I gave it to him, i expected a thank you and I love you so much.

What did I get instead? A comment saying that the present was from her and not me even though i didnt know she was giving it to me in replacement for the bracelet. I was so angry, cause I poured my heart and soul into the perfect present to show my love and even though she may have bought it, she bought it for ME for HIM.

We had an argument after that and a couple days later, he broke up with me again.

But when he broke up with me, I felt absolutely nothing. Not relief, not sadness nothing.

But I thought that everything would be fine afterwards but things got so much worse.

Because of that relationship, I started to hate my body, hate my face, continued compare myself to other girls, wondering how I could show him what he is missing, you name it.

Things got worse earlier this school year. I got a lead role in my school's production of Hairspray. Though, that has to have been my lowest point since 8th grade when I was first diagnosed.

I would get constant panic attacks and moods would get very low. At one point during rehearsal, I had to leave and I cried in an empty hallway for 10 minutes. I started to have suicidal thoughts again like," I wonder how long I can hold my breath before I pass out" or " I would see if anything in the band room has anything sharp enough to slit my wrists" and lastly "If I slit my wrist, how long till I bleed out?" I even had a plan to check if there was anything sharp enough to cut me.

It was such horrible time and I thank my friends so much for talking me down (even though there are normal ppl and dont have Wattpad, lol).

That relationship has scarred me so much and if it weren't for That1InsanePotato I wouldnt have truly understood what I was going through.

So while in quarantine, we called each other and I begun to finally deal with those scars and...... *sighs in Black girl*
It's a lot.

Ever since I began to deal with them, I've been having more panic attacks, crying more but I've been feeling happier.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm really scared. Now those buried memories are now there and it hurts to remember them.

And the sexual assualt? I wont go into details cause no one wants hear that but also it's safe to say (according to my uncle who is a doctor) I cant remember exact details cause it was a traumatic experience.

But yeah, that happened ^^

Now I'm gonna address some things.

1. No, my parents do not this happened. Mainly because I'm not allowed to date.

2. No I'm not seeing a therapist, for various reasons but not my own.

3. Im gonna be more active on Wattpad, My plan is to finish Teenage War but I have an idea for an original story.

4. I wasnt on wattpad for my mental health but also the fact they just blocked Wattpad on my school Mac so I got lazy and didnt want to go on my phone 😂😅

5. I do have the hotline saved on my phone

And the last one is 6. I'm taken.
I know some would say," This is why guys are horrible. Being with a girl is so much easier and better, try it. You might just find out something new about yourself." (An actual thing someone told me). But I'm not here to say I'm dating a girl, no.

If I were to date a girl, it would be for the sole reason of me actually liking her more than turning my back on the opposite gender after a traumatic experience. But no, I'm with a guy and I love him.

He treats me well, actually cares for my well being and checks on me daily because of my mental health, but he also big dummy ( I can say that because he cant see this 😁😁). But he is really amazing and I'm glad he is in my life ^^

And now I must say thank you to two people.

NightsongxD - You my dear have saved me more than you know. I can safely say you are one of the reasons why I'm not in a coffin right now. The thoughts of ending my existence all cease when you check on me and I love you so much for that.

YouDontKnowShipping - My dear WPBFL, i kept you in the dark because you were going through some stuff on your own and I didnt want to be a burden. But talking to you always makes my day, your joyful energy is infectious and I live for it.

Other than in a relationship, I'm getting good grades, starting a club at my school for people who identify as mixed or Black/African American, I'm currently an Activities Director for our schools ASL Club (also I am learning ASL, lol), I have a job at a really cool gas station ( I get free drinks!!!), I know what I want to be in the future (although college is....heh), I've become content with my sexuality and overall...I'm just happier.

Some ppl thought I wasnt on Wattpad, but I was...just not posting. Heh.

But now I must leave cause I'm hungry, but just know you are loved, cared for and are oh so special.

I love you all ♡♡

~ Pupsey