well..

i know i've already said "yeah no more cringy depressing shit" but.. right now im lost in the dark with no one by my side..

so really i dont know who to talk to about this so im just going to let it out i guess?

last night.. my boyfriend told me someone was sending him nudes & whatever so i go text the hoe that did i waited for a reply but nothing really so i just logged off my boyfriend stopped texting me so i assumed maybe he fell asleep i go to my room but i feel like total shit i put on headphones & listened to music to drift me to sleep but for some strange reason only the depressing songs came on so it just made me over think the first thing that came up was me wanting to fit in so badly.. yeah i know why should i care about that? but im sick & tired of being an outcast & someone that is hated & that weird kid that doesn't have talent i want to change that so bad but part of me is telling me to stay who i am.. then.. i usually talk to my problems to this girl lets call her queen.. so i would talk to queen about my problems but she seems annoyed like she would keep on saying "uh huh" "wow" then she would make it seem that she doesn't really care even when i talk about my boyfriend she gets even more annoyed.. she would ALWAYS talk about her problems & her crushes & whatever but when i need someone the most.. no one is there & i thought well how about i push everyone away & sees who would come.. im not talking to anyone thats close to me im just going to be a mute for a while.. see how that goes i just feel like no one cares anymore like im bothering them with my problems & im so afraid to even talk about them around the people im close with cause of that reason.. i cant even talk to my own boyfriend cause of that reason.. when i was crying last night i just wanted to know if he would care if im gone you know? but im just making things worse for myself its just going to make me miss him like hell causing myself to cry more i keep asking myself "why im i doing this? why im i even doing this to him?" i just feel like my light just died out everything is really going bad.. like always my mom & i argue all the time & i remember my mom had got a therapist for her & i & things were so much better & happier i keep asking but.. seems like all i have is the fucking internet i just want someone to understand.. & give me advice you know? i dont want sympathy i could careless about it i just... idk & i keep thinking how maybe my boyfriend & i wont be forever yeah i know around my age nothing lasts but it's just i felt like it would but the more i got into deeper thought of it just pissed me off more & more.. i keep thinking how he would find someone better then me.. even though i've told him he says "it wont happen" or something like that but.. i know one day it will i dont understand how he would be able to deal with this bullshit for the rest of his life? with someone that is complicated?  someone who is childish & foolish? like would you? well i guess that was it.. 

sorry about this im really sorry