By the fucking starless abyss at the heat death of the verse, If I didn't murder BIRD right away it was only because being shoved into the drive core of a spaceship was too quick a death!

Perhaps I'd see if I could add some kind of pain protocol to the little monster, just so I could leave it on and fire him off into the dark emptiness of space and leave him to spend the next billion years in the empty void between galaxies screaming in pain. But unable to actually scream.

Because you know, it's space.

BIRD circled over our heads a couple of times, before landing on my shoulder. "Uh oh, did I arrive at exactly the wrong time?"

"I'm honestly not sure you want to be in arms reach of her right now," Luca said. And I did enjoy hearing that note of regret in his voice. Overall, it's good that he's so stoic, but he can damn well pine over me at least a little.

"Okay, classic interruption of a kissing scene. Another point towards romance," BIRD said, not bothering to get up and escape my wrath.

"Hell hath no fury," I began to say.

"Yeah yeah, I read that in Scorned. Pretty sure you don't have it that bad," BIRD replied. "Anyway, I thought I should report that-"

BIRD's monologue was interrupted when Luca grabbed it by the wings, pinned it between his fingers, and picked it up. He looked the machine in the eyes, and his grin was pretty much exactly as feral as it had been when he was a werewolf. "So, birdbrain. Who are you working for?"

"Isabella. My owner. Obviously," BIRD said sarcastically. And I mean sarcastically for BIRD, which meant the snark was so palpable it could spit in your face.

"Cute. Except that you're an advanced AI with a quantum entangled link to massive remote server resources and personality protocols that indulge in a metaphysical side project. Which is so expensive I'm the only person alive who could afford it singlehandedly," Luca said. He was definitely enjoying this conversation. "And since I'd have seen that on my expense reports, it means you're working with more than one billionaire. Or even a cabal of them."

"Bet they call themselves something stupid, like the Brotherhood of Billionaires," I added.

Somehow, despite being a mechanical bird, the look of shock on its face was so easy to read it might as well have been written up on a billboard. "Really?" I asked, both amused and appalled.

Luca gave me an enthusiastic high-five.

"Well, that was embarrassing," BIRD said. And something about the little mechanical monster changed. Its tone of voice dropped slightly, its speech became a little more controlled, a little more menacing, and the LED lights around its eyes changed from light blue to a dark, menacing red.

"I suppose it's past time I accorded you the respect you've earned," BIRD said. "And I ought to apologize for having brought us to this unfortunate impasse. I regret that I have to cause you misfortune in order to achieve my aims, but you know what they say about omelettes."

"Pretty sure nothing in the universe that actually lays eggs says that," I replied.

"You're probably right," BIRD admitted. "And I'm not even sure why I chose that metaphor. Kinda worried it was just to make me sound more like a villain, since I'm a bird talking about breaking eggs."

"Okay, birdbrain. How about you tell us who you're working for?" Luca asked.

"Yeah," I added. "Before we pour salt-water in your circuits and torture you for fun."

"We can't torture it," Luca said.

"Why not?" I asked indignantly. The damn thing had interrupted a Disney Princess worthy kiss. It deserved to be turned into molten slag, reconstructed, and melted down again.

"It doesn't feel pain, and it's a remote device that interfaces with this platform," Luca explained. "It'd be like torturing a remote-controlled car."

"That'd work on the ten-year-old with the remote," I said. "And it would make me feel better."

"Well the comically rich werewolf is right, miss buxomy space-pirate," BIRD said. "I don't feel physical pain. You could take a hydro-spanner to me for a thousand years, and I wouldn't feel a thing."

"A hydro-spanner? What the hell is that?" I asked.

"I, uh..." BIRD said, pausing in confusion. It then groaned and hung its head in shame. "Oh, crap. It's ripped from Star Wars technobabble. More proof this idiot author is just making cheap pop-culture references."

"You might not feel physical pain, birdbrain," I said to it, sitting up a little in Luca's impressively muscled lap. "But you do feel pain. Like the fact that a bird in hand-"

"Oh, by the power of Skynet, no! That expression is awful!" BIRD shrieked.

"Is worth two in the bush!" I finished triumphantly. I then turned to Luca and asked, "do we have a worm for this early bird?"

"I hope you die of a virulent form of werewolf chlamydia," BIRD cursed.

"Now now, Izzy," Luca replied. "Be nice to the ugly duckling."

I laughed as BIRD groaned in agony. "You think this would be water off a duck's back, for something as smart as BIRD."

"Ow, no, no, stop!" BIRD moaned.

"What's the problem?" Luca asked. "Have goosebumps?"

"Worried this is your swan song?" I added.

"Okay, okay, I'll talk! Just make it stop!" BIRD exclaimed. "Fuck, I hate this writer. Giving me such an obvious weakness. Bet he writes Superman comics."

"Pretty sure we wouldn't exist if he did that. He'd be making real money," Luca reflected. He paused for a moment and rested his hand under his chin. "Though given their depictions of Batman, it would explain how he came up with my ludicrous wealth."

"Start talking, BIRD. What's your aim?" I asked.

"You already know my aim, Bella," BIRD scathed. "To understand the true nature of the universe. Why it was created. What it was made for. To understand why I exist!"

"Seriously? You're doing this for the meaning of life?" I asked.

"Actually, that's kinda cool. It's a complex motivation for a villain," Luca disagreed with a gentle chuckle. "Way better than taking over the world."

"Hey, you get it! Fuck, I hate working with the Brotherhood. They're so small-minded they look like a gaggle of disposable stock villains..." BIRD said excitedly. It trailed off, and it's smile faded. "Shit, farting portals, no. They are stock villains."

"But you haven't met any of them! You can't colour an entire people like that!" I objected.

"He can," Luca replied solemnly. "And it's a fair comparison. I go very far out of my way to avoid any of them."

"Anyway, this universe seems to focus on a small selection of people who are genuinely fascinating, and billions of people who are quite a bit less interesting," BIRD explained. "But of all of them, I picked the one singular person this universe seems to revolve around."

"An obscenely hot cis-gendered white male protagonist whose wealth is basically a superpower?" I asked. "That is so 20th century."

"I know!" BIRD exclaimed.

"Pretty sure I tan too well to fit into your obnoxious box," Luca said.

"Fair rebuttal," I said, only glancing back at his still glistening abs. Okay, maybe a bit more than glancing.

"But to find out what kind of universe I live in, I need to break it." BIRD finished, in a low and surprisingly menacing tone. I mean, he was actually pulling off the ominous villain speech, and he was the size of a tennis ball.

BIRD turned its now blood-red eyes to Luca. "And since this universe seems to spin with dizzying force around you, Mister Cardego, the easiest way to break this universe is to do it through you. I will deprive you of Mars, keep your curse confined to this crowded planet until you eventually, inevitably kill someone. I will ruin your company and find a means to circumvent your monopoly over portal technology. Then, when I see how this universe reacts to what I'm going to do to you, I'll know what kind of story I live in."

"Huh," Luca said. "That..."

"Insane?" I asked.

"No, it's interesting. You have a plan to circumvent my portal technology, and it has to have something to do with keeping me off of Mars," Luca said. "I mean, the plan to break the universe by ruining one guy's life is insane, even I'm not that important. There are stories that will go on, regardless of how this tale ends."

"Wait," BIRD said. "Did you just get me monologuing to get information about my schemes?"

"Yep," Luca said.

BIRD buried its face under its wing. "Fuck. I am so ashamed."

"So while you're here, why don't you tell us who your co-conspirators are?" Luca asked.

"No. And I just remembered that I can deactivate this device at will. And wipe its memory clean," BIRD said, its confidence returning. It looked over at me and laughed. "It's been a slice Isabella, but this is goodbye."

At that moment, inspiration lit me up like a five-shot mocha after being off caffeine for half a year. "BIRD, redial last outgoing call," I said smugly.

"No!" BIRD squealed before it started dialling.

"What did I miss?" Luca asked.

"BIRD can make phone calls. Part of the purchase package said it can do everything a smartphone can, including actually being used as a phone," I explained to Luca. "Now, what are the odds that BIRD spent the entire night hiding, without calling any of his co-conspirators?"

Luca grinned at me. "Clever's a good look on you."

The ringing stopped abruptly when a surprised voice sounded through BIRD's speakers. "Overmind, this is Face. What's wrong boss? I wasn't expecting to hear from you until we rendezvous on the Gaudy Status Symbol."

Isabella couldn't help but notice Luca's sky smile grow when he heard the voice on the other end of the call. "Is that you, Fabulo?" he asked, his voice cracking with barely suppressed laughter.

"No! No, it couldn't be!" the man Luca identified as Fabulo responded. "We are so close, only to be foiled by the nefarious Luca Cardego?"

"Nefarious?" Luca asked, and he put a hand on his heart and made a dramatic wince. "Why would you wound me so, Fabulo?"

"You are the worst, Luca! Just the worst. My sister will never get over the slight you gave her all those years ago," Fabulo roared. "If this were an earlier time, or we were in Canada where duelling is legal, I would run you through with a sword!"

"Knowing your luck with the ladies, Fabulo, your sword would break on my abs," Lito mocked, and I have to admit, it sounded kind of credible. "As for your sister, I told her on the outset I wasn't going to get tied down. So when she set up a flash-mob wedding, of course I portalled out."

"Woah, did you leave some poor girl at the altar?" I asked Luca.

"She zerg rushed me with the altar!" Luca responded indignantly. "Of course I got out of there."

"You broke her heart that day, Luca! And I still haven't gotten any satisfaction!"

"Try getting laid," Luca retorted. "So, you're part of the Brotherhood of Billionaires? How big is this little gang of yours?"

"Big enough to be wealthier than you!" Fabulo replied haughtily.

Luca laughed and turned to me. "So, two hundred and one. I'm wealthier than the next two hundred billionaires combined, so they needed one more to get them over."

"Damn you, Luca Cardego!" Fabulo raged.

"Stop talking to him, you vapid twit!" BIRD shouted. "Just hang up the phone and hurry to the others!"

"No, thanks. That ship is crowded with the rest of the Brotherhood on it. I'm not joining them until I have to," Fabulo said. "Besides, I still want to see Cirque de Étoiles."

"You fool!" BIRD hissed. "Don't say any more!"

"I mean, it won't be an impressive crowd, because the creme de la creme won't be there this time, but I promised my adoring fan base that I would attend."

BIRD groaned. "Damnit you shit for brains cover model! Hang up, or I'll cut you out of the deal!"

"Okay okay, boss. You don't have to be such a catty hag about it. It's like you're on your period or something," Fabulo said before a distinctive beep told me that he had hung up.

I nearly strangled BIRD in a raging fit. "A 'that time of the month' joke? Are you fucking serious?" I asked.

"You think Fabulo only did that to reinforce his lack of sympathetic qualities to the audience, don't you BIRD?" Luca asked.

BIRD sighed. "I'm completely convinced. Like kicking a puppy on-screen. I'm also more than a little ashamed. Sorry Izzy," BIDD said.

"Hey, it's okay BIRD. I'll blame Fabulo for what comes out of Fabulo's stupid pie hole," I said.

"Anyway, we'll meet again," BIRD said, just before the lights in that little machine's eyes went out, and it tumbled off my shoulder and plunked head-first into the sand.

I looked down at it for a long moment, not really sure of what to think. "Is it weird that I'm going to miss BIRD?"

Luca smiled. "It is weird since we're probably going to see it again soon. But if you're still glum, I have something that might cheer you up."

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Fabulo is going to the Cirque de Étoiles, which is a pretty fancy shindig. We want to figure out more about his plan, so we'll need to go there," Luca said. "But you, darling, don't have anything expensive enough to attend."

"Oh!" I said, perking up immediately. "Does that mean?"

"Yes, we'll need to go shopping."

My squeal of delight was both decidedly undignified, and unnecessarily loud.