Hey, you probably already know my name from my user...
And no it's not Samantha -_-

I wanna tell you a story, kinda my story. But about all the bad things by I can't remember anything good that happened this year.
So anyway I've been dealing with a lot of stuff that I'm getting "help" for. But I wanna talk to you about them.

As everyone knows I suffer from depression seeing as I posted a pic long ago about it. But here's the reason that's been mocking me since that day.

Okay, so I've had depression since I was a kid. Like kindergarten bc I had NO friends. Until elementary. But even then I couldn't hang out with those friends due to there friends not liking me for being me,

So since that day. Or year. I've been punishing myself for even being myself. I would say so many bad things about myself that I couldn't say anything about it till.. middle school. I had been in the drama club for both years and met some incredible people. But those are the years I started dating peeps. (Cue the oh no's.)

At first I started to like... females. I got to know a very nice girl. And to this day we are still best friends. But she ended up dating someone else and told me, and I then proceeded to cry in the bathroom.Bc it was at my FIRST dance.

Anyway..... she apologized and they didn't work out anyway... but we never got together. Then there was another girl. She was and still is one of my best friends! I ask her out in the morning and she said sure. We dating for at least a month till we broke up on Snapchat. She said she didn't want to hurt my feelings bc she didn't really feel that way about me.

ANYWAY! 7th grade past and I'm gonna say there names bc well I'm not telling you there last names so it don't matter... Alright so her name is Dylan.

We only dated for like three days and then I found out what kind of a Bi* she was.....we're still friends somehow. So, I went to school one day my friend, I'll give her a name.. Luce. She came up to me and was like "oh you must be so sad" and "I'll leave you be for awhile" and I'm like. What?.... "She didn't tell you!?" I just went, tell me what? "She's telling us she broke up with you!"

I then proceeded to yell at Dylan. And as, to be left alone. Yeah and then like a week later, Luce comes up and tells me that Dylan said she only used me for popularity and attention!

And then I didn't date anyone else!

So I started to like this kid named Dylan also and he's a boy... yeah. It started out as like oh he's cute and everything and I wanna to get to know him buuut I made the mistake by telling someone and then he asked me if I liked him!
So I said no, yknow like a liar. And then just hit my depression zone. But let me tell you a fact....

So I didn't know him at the time but somehow it was like one of those anime lovers like "make my waifu real" and it kinda happened to me... without me knowing. So before I knew I drew this.

He kinda looked EXACTLY like it. And yknow what I named this character.......
Dyle. Specifically said like "Di-ill" like Dyl-an. Yup. My mind was blown.

Well I tried pushing down my crush beneath my surface and I was doing okay for awhile till Dylan's "sister",Est . I'm only putting that. Asked if I liked him bc she heard what my friend said a long time ago. And I responded with a "kinda". She proceeded to say "I totally would ship you guys! But don't hurt him or while kill you." I blushed of all things and just shrugged it off. EVEN THO ON THE SAME DAY AFTER THAT. I was in the middle of transferring to a different school away from my friends because my dad was making me.

In the office I ran into him and we talked for a little bit till we said our goodbyes, Est. Saw us chatting and as I walked away I could here them "Are you guys together?" I was like HUH. But thankfully all he said was no and we were just friends. I still smile at the memory.

From then on things started to get weird. We had greeted each other before and as I hung out with my friends we started to see each other more. To the point my feelings were starting to stab me. We ended up getting super awkward bc at the time we both liked each other but denied that the other didn't like each other.

I could feel my friends go "seriously". Heck they even made sure most times we were talking or chatting with each other! It's like they were playing matchmaker or Cupid! But yeah I kinda already knew he liked me but I knew that a boy should always ask the girl out first. For some reason. So we stayed like that for atleast a week.

Till he asked me out. And I gottta say he was the best boyfriend ever! He was nice,funny,caring and just the best! I felt blessed to have him! We dated to the point of summer and then before the summer could end I made one of the worst mistakes of my life... I broke up with him....

It was the worst feelings ever. The guilt the sadness of what I did. I originally thought that that my feelings were because non existent till after what I have done. I was originally gonna move to Texas by the end of freshman year.So I was so scared of losing him that my mind went completely blank and let the demons take over. Here is some art I drew that showed every time I think of what I've done.

My mind was punishing me. I felt so alone. So empty. So incomplete. I regret it. And I will always will regret it. And I can't even tell him how I feel.