The afternoon was quiet, sunlight streamed in through the double sliding doors of glass leading to my balcony. The atmosphere was peaceful, but by god was it boring.

My dog was napping on the carpet-covered stairs of the living room while I sat on one of the three couches there, staring at my iPad screen, typing away at a message to a group chat that's been named the collectively agreed on "HELL". Hoping to start a conversation, or at least get an interesting response. 

I know that "HELL" isn't exactly the best name for a group chat, let alone your main one, but I'd say that the name was a fitting one if you asked me. It completely matched the energy of these agents of absolute chaos that I've been calling my friends for a while now. 

I finished typing and clicked 'send'.

 The chat was usually dead silent because only 3 people bothered to be online most of the time. Namely me and 2 of my friends who I've known since the 5th grade, but we all prefer to hop in a voice call rather than type out messages. So our Discord calls are usually where most of the chaos goes down. 

Though you never really knew when the usually-dead chat would blow up with notifications seemingly out of nowhere. 

I've learnt not to expect quick responses, so it came as a slight surprise when the screen quickly panned downwards to show a new message that was just sent. 

Budew07: I sometimes wonder if I'm aromantic or just too lazy.

.

.

  This message was... 

Completely and utterly unrelated to what I had sent. I thought, initially disappointed that it wasn't an actual response. Which then turned into feeling a little dejected at the notion that I was completely ignored. Though it had faded as quickly as it came, this time being replaced by something more akin to curiosity. 

The new topic was definitely more interesting than what I had. I couldn't help but wonder though. Did anything happen to make him bring this up all of a sudden? He's never really said much about topics around LGBTQ+ before.

I just replied with a simple answer. In hopes of getting him to talk more about it, the subject was sprung on me pretty randomly. So I thought that it was best to see where this was going first. 

Skayia477: same lol

It was technically true. 

That did bring up something I've been questioning for a while. Am I aromantic? I mean- I didn't know much about the label, other than the basic meaning, but I just couldn't decide if that fit me or not. 

I've never had any crushes, or at least I don't think I have. Honestly I'm not even sure on what a crush is supposed to feel like. 

I look to my screen again, seeing another new message from the same friend. The one I like to mentally label as 'the walking incarnation of chaotic neutral (sometimes)'. 

Budew07: like they make romance sound like such a pain. I don't wanna bother and I'm not sure if I'm aromantic or just lazy lol

Well... the part about romance sounding like a pain is true. It's just too complicated for me. Or at least most of its depictions in media are. I get that you have to have drama obstacles for a proper love story, but it just made the whole thing sound... 

...well, not really worth it if I was being honest. 

And what even was love in the first place? I've thought about it before and nothing made sense! It's supposed to be "special" and "more than friendship" but that's so vague it was barely enough for me to just grasp the concept.

Relying on actual people to explain just what it was didn't exactly help either. Most talked about it being a "warm fuzzy feeling in your chest". 

Which, okay, I could understand why it'd be such a popular topic since half the stuff they've described to me seemed surreal or even borderline magical, but why literally almost every english song has to be related to the topic confuses me. 

Honestly I'd say that it's one of the most overused, boring, cliché-

...Yeah, I'm not sitting here all day listing every synonym of those words that I could find, but you get my point. The topic is overrated in my opinion. 

And the lyrics for love songs... just- the fact the pure mushiness of those are a real  thing that real  people experience was definitely something that took me a bit to process and accept.

And how some people seemed to get extremely nervous around someone they liked, that was also yet another mystery to me. 

I mean- just walk up and tell them? It's not like you're meeting a world-famous celebrity or something.

Love is weird... I'd decided that years ago and so far nothing's proven me wrong. 

I just didn't get it. 

.

.

.

 Well... a bit of thinking did make this one almost obvious... 

I guess I'll just call myself aromantic then. 

Though I still wasn't  100% confident, I thought that it definitely described my experiences pretty well. So at least there's that. 

but there's still one more that had been on my mind recently...

...am I ace as well? 

I've been questioning that for the last week or so now. I haven't looked at someone and went... "I wanna do..." well... that.  

I've also had lessons on the topic of uhh... reproduction.. in school and just the thought of actually doing that one day in the future-

...Was enough for me promptly to banish that entire line of thinking from my mind.

Am I ace?

Ah, whatever. Better reply before he thinks he's getting ignored. 

Skayia: XD That's true! Been thinking about if I'm aroace myself, honestly

His next reply barely took 2 seconds. 

Budew07: WAIT ACTUALLY!?

Aaaannndd...... now I was just confused. What was he freaking out about? Did he make a bet with one of his friends about my sexuality or what? Honestly, I wouldn't put it past him (or any of my friends). I mused absentmindedly as I started typing my response. 

Anyhow, I needed answers.

Skayia477: wdym?

Elaborate? Please? You're talking like it's as if I accidentally referenced an inside joke I wasn't supposed to know about or something. 

I snickered a bit at that scenario in my mind, logic suggested that it was improbable, but you never really knew with these people. They were unpredictable, and the chaos that usually followed in their presence was usually extremely entertaining.

 It was something I liked about this group that set them aside from everyone else I am currently friends with, and I've even fanned the flames myself sometimes if that's what it took to keep the conversation going. 

Though some of their jokes were ...a little bit out of the "socially acceptable norm", let's just say, but they kept things interesting. 

None of us really minded. We still had boundaries after all, even if they were mostly unspoken, we could trust each other to respect them. 

Even if I had to play peacekeeper more than a few times, what knew for sure was that they'd never intentionally hurt someone for something like a silly joke. 

They've offended people accidentally, sure. But those have usually blown over in a few weeks if not days. Then after the situation was explained, we all moved past it, and went on to laugh about it in the future. 

The chat scrolled down, and a new message caught my attention, pulling me out of my thoughts. 

Budew07: No, I mean like

I waited a few seconds for a follow-up, but nothing came. 

I got impatient. That, was not an answer....

While I was debating whether or not to send another message to ask yet again for what he had meant by his earlier reaction, a thin grey bar had popped up on screen, right above the text box. 

Budew07 is typing...

Budew07: I've thought about it

Budew07: in 5th grade

What? As in, my sexuality?  I questioned mentally. My brows furrowed slightly in surprise and mild curiosity. I shifted slightly, trying to find more comfortable way to sit. 

Ow- I moved to adjust my seating position on the sofa after feeling a sharp, pinprick like jab on my arm. Whose bright idea was it to design a cushion where the feathers inside can prick you!? 

This was the umpteenth time that that has happened, so I was more than a little annoyed, but I quickly gave up on my irritation and instead just got to replying. 

Skayia477: What?

Was it even about my sexuality? I thought, trying to put the pieces together myself on what he was attempting to convey. Since I probably wasn't going to get a straightforward answer without waiting through some rambling first... 

Why would he even try to guess-? actually, no. Stupid question. He would. Especially if he was bored. Seems like something he'd do. 

..Well, this conversation has definitely piqued my interest now if it hadn't already before. 

Budew07: I was like Elisabeth? Probably aroace. 

Oh. 

Skayia477: oh. 

Yeah, that made sense. 

Budew07: Like I put you under that mental category before I knew the word for it.

I stared at my screen for a few seconds, surprised at his statement. Before he knew it was a  word... huh? I wondered if I'd done anything to give that impression.

Skayia477: wait, how??

Another message. 

Budew07: No, like just it felt right

Yeah, gut feeling and all, I get it, but that wasn't what I meant... Guess I should clarify... 

Skayia477: What gave you that impression?

It wasn't until I'd already sent it that I realised that it could be interpreted wrongly as accusatory, and knowing his track record of reading stuff like this, I wasn't all too confident that he wouldn't take this the wrong way. So I decided to follow up with another message. 

Skayia477: like what did I do that was so different?

I asked. Because honestly, I had no clue. He... might not have either at the time, but there had to be something in retrospect, right?

I also wanted to know because then I'd know for sure if I was aroace. If other people with that orientation also shared the same subtle cues, then that could help me confirm my own as well.

Budew07: like, the vibes yk?

Skayia477: what

 Well, guess that's out the window That couldn't help me answer everything like I'd hoped, but I couldn't press him for details if all he had to go off of was a gut feeling. 

And he would probably trail off into another subject within 5 minutes anyway. I thought fondly. Not that I would fault him for it, my own attention span only lasts about as long as I live in an FPS game. 

...which was not very long. 

Budew07: yeah. You just looked like to type to be aroace.

.

Apparently I just radiate aroace vibes then, good to know.

I think this definitely was more evidence pointing towards the fact that I might be aroace. Even if I wasn't not fully sure on it yet. I decided to just adopt this label for now anyway, not like I couldn't change it later if I wanted to. 

I never really cared much for labels, but if it made it easier for people to understand a part of me, then I guess could use this one. At least for the time being...

And that was the day when I officially decided that I identified as aroace!

(Ft. A slightly unreliable narrator and my 2 second attention span)