Italics- thoughts/ flashbacks/ dreams

Bold- author talking

Underline- narrator talking, known as the main character

Normal- normal story

2038 words

ꨄ❦ꨄ❦ꨄ➪

He looks down at me so quickly I'm surprised his neck didn't snap.

He just looks at me puzzled for the longest time. Did I say the wrong thing? Maybe I don't love him. How is this supposed to work and how am I supposed to feel? His silence is killing me. It's making my anxiety grow so bad.

"Did I hear you right?" He says so quietly and in disbelief.

"I don't know, what did you hear...?" I'm scared for some reason.

"You think you love me?"

I nod.

He thinks for a moment, "why?"

"Because you are so nice to me, well now you are, like super superior nice and I don't know another word but like the highest form of nice and I love nice people."

He softly smiles, "What type of love?"

"There's types? I don't know."

"Then explain what makes you feel this way."

I'm excited. I've read stories with moments like this, well from the wholesome ones. And I've been thinking of this for a week or 2. I squeal before starting my very well, last second, thought out speech.

"Like right now, you are talking to me. I love talking and you don't get mad at me for my talking like all the other people. I love your way with words. Like you should be a poet or something because you give the best compliments that make me want to cry an ocean."

My voice softens," And I love how you pay attention and act like it's no big deal because guys usually don't pay attention or care for someone like that. You help me and my dumb ass so much but never get mad."

He flinched when I said the last line.

"I love when you try to kill me with kisses. It is like one of the nicest feelings I can get that isn't from nature. You somehow get me to a place that I didn't even know was possible in such a fun way and when you don't judge me if I make a weird noise or something happens and I don't know if it's supposed to happen or not and you explain in a way my dumb ass can understand without making me feel stupid."

I take my hands and cup them around his face so he has to stay looking at me, "And I love when you talk to me. When you open up about your feelings even though it might take a while. When you tell me about anything at all, just enough so you feel better. I love how normal it feels, it should be normal, people should talk about their problems because it's healthy. I love when you let me think about what you said and don't act awkward about it after. I love when you don't expect help when I don't know how to help even though I said I would. I love how you are open enough for me to know you better."

I wipe a single tear away from his beautiful skin.

"I love how you are so gentle and soft, and squishy, mainly how you actually care about the things around you. I love how you say life is beautiful and those few times we would walk on the street, those few times you would always look at the pigeons or try and hold me back from chasing the squirrels." I boop him on the nose for that. "You are so fucking sweet to everything."

Alright, last thing because I'm out of breath,"I love how you handle your job with such care even when it pains you so much. You don't let the poor people die with uneased souls even though they bother you so much."

He leans his forehead on mine while I recover all the breaths I lost during my speech. I talk too fast.

Did I do good? I hope I explained it all decently. Based on his reaction I think I did.

My back hurts sitting like this. But it's alright cuz I love this.

I love this, I love him, I love all of this. I love the dark scenery, I love that I'ma give mom her flowers back.

He kisses my unknown tears away before hiding his face on the side of my neck. I pat him on the back. He's not crying, no, just hiding.

"Why are you hiding?"

He doesn't respond for a while before saying, "I don't know," against my skin.

He still hasn't hugged me yet either. It went from every chance he could get to none. It's kinda sad. He even looks like he's restraining himself most of the time. I don't want him to, I love the overdose of affection.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing is wrong my angel. I'm so happy right now."

That makes me smile. I'll bother him about it later then.

"So do I love you?"

"That's up to you."

"But what does it mean??? I said all of that so you can tell me what this means."

"Attraction maybe."

Is that it? I feel like there is more. I'm going to do years worth of research the next time I see my phone.

I pull him back and he looks at me with that drunken smile.

"What is making you so happy?"

"You."

"I don't make people happy..."

He hides me in the crook of his neck and puts his nose in my hair. "And I'm not a person, you make me happy," he says in my hair.

I make him happy...

I didn't fail in helping him, I'm not failing my only purpose in life. Oh my God I'm not a failure for once!

I smile a creepy smile. Maybe not everything is so horrible and falling apart.

I muster a lot of courage and kiss the bottom side of his neck and that weird pur thing happens but for a split second. It always stops like if the wrong video was clicked on. It doesn't naturally stop.

"Why do you always make it stop?"

"Make what stop?"

"The pur thing."

"Only angels can pur."

"Many animals do it. And you're still an angel, you should be able to do it."

"It's broken."

"How?"

"It doesn't sound right."

"Well that doesn't matter, if it works it works."

"It is not the same."

"Everything won't forever stay the same but that doesn't mean it should be treated differently. Let me hear it."

After a long, some length of time, he slips his hands under my shirt and runs the tips of his nails up and down my back before the 'broken' pur starts again without stopping.

There's pauses here and there but overall it's great.

"I love this too," I quietly say. I don't know to who for but for a reason.

The pur starts vibrating and getting deeper. It's so soothing.

It's small things like this that make me so unbelievably happy. All the little things. Usually the smaller actions mean more than the bigger ones.

The smaller changes say more than the bigger ones. The smaller actions show more things someone isn't willing to say. Things they wanna hide or don't know themselves.

Sometimes things only certain people are supposed to notice.

This is mainly like pink noise with just a few notes of white noise. Briefly fades in and out of brown noise.

The peaceful movement eventually makes me fall asleep, completely happy.

ꨄ❦ꨄ❦ꨄ➪

I'm now laying in bed left of death using his arm as my pillow, of course.

I'm drawing the pond place on my phone. I want to see it if it's real.

...

I turn to show him the picture with the utmost excitement. However he was feeling before completely disappearing and the vibes changed.

"That's definitely not a place," he says a bit too quickly without thought.

"You sure-"

"Yes."

"Alright..."

Liar. Or maybe his memory is actually that good.

Or he's part robot and has the processing thing they have.

I look at him for a second, like all the times he would do to me. I study his inhumanly hot face.

"How do you look with facial hair?"

He raises a brow, "I don't know."

"What do you think you would look like?

"More masculine? What do you think I would look like?"

"Older."

He smiles that weird evil smile, "So you like older guys? Is that what I'm hearing?"

I gasp at the audacity, "Not at all."

"But your actions say otherwise."

He's teasing me. It's that voice he's using.

"What actions?"

"Well look at you," he gestures to all of me with his free hand, "cuddling me. And you say you don't like older men."

"Well you don't stand for everyone else."

"I know."

I sigh from his goofiness before turning back and looking at my phone. I drew it pretty well, maybe not enough details.

"Are you sure this place isn't real? I could draw more details."

"I am."

I look at him for a second before looking down at the phone. Now what?

I really wanted to take him to the place with me... Now I'm sad.

The only thing to do when sad is watch YouTube. I don't want to but that's the only thing left I have that helps me ignore my emotions right now.

"Have you ever watched Chris Barnett?"

He pulls me closer and hides his nose in my hair, "no."

Well that is what we shall binge watch. I hold my phone up and go to his channel and play older videos with his 'nephew'. Oh and the demon maid series. I LOVE his videos.

"Do demons do things like this? Working for souls?"

He talks so sweetly, opposite of his words, "No, They just take."

"Oh." I focus on the next 59 second video.

After a while of goofy voices filling the room I feel so exposed and not covered or modest or anything though I'm wearing some clothes, just the basics. So bare and cold.

I take his free hand that's lazily lying on his abdomen and put it over the bottom of my rib cage and put my hand on top of his with my fingers around his. He closes his hand around my fingers.

I'm not so cold anymore so I smile like an idiot.

Exploring with Josh uploads as I look through my fyp. I squeal before clicking on it so fast that it takes a second to load. I squeal again when the video starts playing and turn down the brightness while turning up the volume. I love ghost hunting.

I intensely watch the screen even though my mind wanders.

He said no too fast. If he knows every place so well that he can just tell from a picture that I drew from memory, it would have taken him longer to remember.

So now there are 2 things wrong.

But if he doesn't want to go to the place, fine enough. I could get there another way and it'll happen eventually.

BUt the other thing is that he hasn't been as clingy. He still is of course but not as much. Before I would have to fight him so I could get up or something but I just had to put his arm around me.

I don't like it, something is wrong. But I'll bring it up the next time the mood isn't as peaceful as it is now. I'll find out what is going on.

Hopefully I'll find out how to be better at helping too and all these other feelings.

All these feelings are crammed together while bleeding out onto each other. They are waking up in my dreams and thoughts while simultaneously shutting me into confusion. They bind my hands while closing my eyes to push me into a room with their names. I can't see or feel the differences.

All I wish is to sort it out. Sort out all the confusion and desperation.

Find out what is going on and why I feel all these good and bad emotions right now. The worry and excitement all at once, accompanied by many more unseen faces.

To find out if I love him.