Chapter 8 ~ Hannah

I swear I’m cursed or something. I know for sure he didn’t follow me there, it was an accident, I saw the surprise in his eyes as well as the delight of seeing me there in such uncomfortable occasion. Our encounter in the coffee shop was fortuitous and I want to curse something for that reason. As if it is not enough with him going to the garage to annoy me, now I bump into him in my local Starbucks. Honestly, I haven’t been a bad girl to deserve this. Why is this happening to me?

“Hannah, stop,” Savannah says pulling me so I cease my walking. I do stop and close my eyes, I even let go of her wrist and breathe deeply. I won’t let him to get to my nerves.

He already gets to your nerves, a little voice in my head says and I hush it mentally.

“He’s cuter in person, I dare to say,” she adds and I shoot my eyes open, turning around to glare daggers at her.

“What?” I say slowly almost in a threating way.

“I like him already!” She carries on like she’s incapable of seeing the steam coming out of my ears. “Look at you! I haven’t seen you like this in so long. Your cheeks are all rosy and you can feel the tension in your body!” Savannah continues talking like I’m some sort of exhibition for her to appreciate.

“I despise him,” I tell her carefully. Maybe she doesn’t understand.

“I know! That’s why I like him. All it took was a few words and a cocky smile and you are all flustered! Don’t you see it? He wakes you up like no one and nothing has done before. Not since your mum–” and that’s where she stops, all her excitement gone.

I forget my anger and annoyance as the pain of losing her attacks me again. Sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to get over her death. I have gone on with my life, but it’s not a secret that nothing is the same since she has been gone.

I miss her every day. Every moment.

I miss how she used to kiss my forehead to say goodbye, or the proud smile on her lips every time she saw me performing, or her hugs if I was sad and even the way she furrowed her eyes when she was mad for something I did. I miss having her in my life.

“Let’s forget about this. I don’t like Harry Boy-band and, hopefully, I won’t see him again. Now hurry up or we’re gonna be late for classes,” I tell Savannah in a cold and monotone voice.

I know she wants to say something but I start walking and soon enough I hear her next to me. Some days are harder than others, but her memory is always with me. I know I shouldn’t let losing her stop me from the things I always wanted, she wouldn’t want that, but since she’s been gone, many things have lost meaning for me. Since she’s gone, the most important thing is my promise, Dad and Savannah. I don’t want anyone else to be part of my life –at least not in the way Savannah and Dad are– because I don’t want to lose anyone else again.

Life is so unpredictable. One moment you’re here, next you just left with no chance of coming back. But it is not terrible for you because you’re just gone. The ones who keep suffering for so long are those who loved you while you were alive. The one who suffers the most is the one who stays.

Savannah and Dad might leave me just like Mum did, why would I let anyone else have the possibility of leaving me as well? And I don’t mean only passing away; there are many other ways to leave you behind.

That is why I shut out everyone else. I don’t want to give them the chance to break me the way my mum’s death did, even if they don’t do it on purpose. This is the only way I can protect myself. I can’t grow fond of anyone else because that will hurt me eventually. No one can stay with you forever. And that’s why I don’t like Harry –one of the many reasons why–, because he seems like he wants to burst into my life no matter what and I don’t want him here.

I won’t let him in. No matter how good Savannah thinks he makes me. No matter how much he insists. I won’t let anyone into my life.

* * *

“Hey there, Han!” Max greets me when I walk into the music room. He and our professor Stanley are there.

I smile politely as I keep walking and drop my things on a chair before approaching to them. We are working for a project and professor Stanley is helping us. Max’s father is the headmaster of a school and he wants to show the kids the magic of music, therefore he asked his son to help him as he’s a music student, just like me. Max asked me to help him and I accepted because it is a great opportunity for me to know how to work with children and because it will give me extra credits with professor Stanley as he knows about this project and believes it is of a great help for us as students.

What we have in mind is to show how no matter what song you listen to, all of them are special in their own way and you can make them even greater or different if you really want to. So we’ve selected a few popular songs and we are playing them with a different combination of instruments and our voices.

“Hi, Max. Stanley,” I nod with my head. Our professor is in his late twenties and he hates us calling him professor or Mr Stanley or anything remotely similar. He got to be a Uni professor because he is a prodigy and he has been in so many orchestras. Give him an instrument, even if he doesn’t know it, in a matter of minutes he’ll learn and master it. He is that great. “Sorry I’m late, we ran a bit late at Starbucks,” I explain.

After the Starbucks encounter with Harry Boy-band, we indeed got late, just a few minutes.

“It’s okay. We were just starting. Everything okay, Hannah?” Stanley asks looking me right in the eyes. Did I mention he is incredibly perceptive? It gets kind of annoying after a while because even if he doesn’t know you, he reads you like and open book.

“Yes, I just ran into someone I don’t like. That’s all. Shall we start?” I inquire standing next to the piano and both of them nod.

Max is twenty and he’s a great student, tall, with blue eyes and a dirty blond hair, strong and manly features and a cute smile. Most of the girls in our class say he’s gorgeous, I don’t have an opinion regarding that aspect, appearance is not important for me. We only have Contemporary Music together but I can tell he loves music more than he loves life and he’s beyond great with the guitar. That must be the reason why I respect him so much, that and that I met him when he was playing U.N.I. in the music room when no one was around –I came back because I forgot my notes.

I pick the violin and without further chat, we dive into practice as the moment when we are going to go to this school is getting closer and closer. The idea is to be there before Christmas and November is almost over.

During our rehearsing I have two faces stuck in my head. I can’t stop thinking of Mum and Harry. Yes, Harry Boy-band, the annoying little twat. I keep wondering what would Mum say about him. Would she agree with Savannah? Would she be happy that he can get on my nerves so easily?

Savannah said that he wakes me up without even trying and she thinks that it’s great, but I’m not sure. I guess I got used to being numb all the time since Mum died more than two years ago. How can you go back to what you were before? Do I even want that? But I don’t think I’m capable of enjoying the same things I used to enjoy. The times when I used to hang out with a lot of friends or I could just start a conversation with someone random and have fun without caring about the future and what tomorrow may hold for me are long gone and it’s hard to believe that it only happened two years ago.

Life changes so quickly.

Mum never liked that I went partying so much and she always told me that I had to care not only for me but about others as well, but she also enjoyed when the next morning I told her all the things that happened. She laughed with me while we drank tea. She loved all the stories I had to tell her. If she were alive the only things I could tell her about would be about how much I’m studying and about the things Savannah is doing and how she drags me along.

She probably wouldn’t like that…

And she probably would have lit up if I had ever told her about Harry and how easily he makes me angry and how he comes to the garage again and again just to annoy me. She probably would’ve made me tell her everything about him, to describe every single detail and I would have told her to stop because I don’t want to talk about him, but she would laugh and make me talk anyways.

She would have loved to see me having emotions again, seeing me confused because I don’t know what to do regarding a guy.

But she’s not with me anymore. She’s not here to tell me to forget about Harry and his existence or to stop being so hard on him, to tell me that he maybe deserves an opportunity and I should get to know him a bit better before making tough judgements about him.

When Stanley and Max stop playing I’m the only one who keeps going. I realise tears are streaming down my face slowly and silently. I wipe them away quickly but it’s no use, they have seen them.

“You okay, Han?” Max asks me stepping closer but I step back immediately, turning around so they can’t see me.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I guess I got something in my eye,” I reply lamely. Who would ever believe that? They are not idiots, for crying out loud.

“Han, it’s okay. You can tell me,” he insists and I know he’s closer, so I step farther from him.

“Trust me, I’m okay,” or at least I’ll be fine, I add mentally.

Today is just one of those harder days, one of the days I miss Mum even more and I wish I could have her next to me to guide me and give me some advices. Today is one of the days when I feel lost and I wish she had never left.

“I guess we can call it a day for now,” Stanley says and I know he hasn’t moved from his seat in front of the piano, but I can also sense concern in his deep voice. “I’ll see you two tomorrow. Hannah, you’ll do good going outside for a little bit,” he adds softly and I nod. I don’t turn around to see their faces; I just walk over to where I left my things, pick them up and leave the room without further explanation. Stanley is right, I need some air.

 -:-:-:-

I know it was a crappy chapter for which I apologise. Hopefully, next one will be a little better. Also, updates are regular again and I started posted Little Bird (Ed Sheeran), that is Edni story, so go and read it you shippers!

This chapter is dedicated to one special girl, Emily, because she started a new story and it's really good so far and you need to check it out. The link to her story is on the external link at the sidebar.

Bel, xx