Read A/N at the end, please!

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Chapter 50 ~ Hannah

Convincing Mila and Moni that I’ve changed wasn’t easy. I talked for hours, –or at least it felt like hours– and they were always looking at me ready to attack and ask me to fuck off. I cried a lot, I couldn’t help it and maybe that’s why her eyes softened and they gave me a chance to explain everything. I told them about my mistake, I explained them why I did that and how sorry I was. I begged for a second chance.

“You don’t have to ask us for a second chance,” Mila said, I remember clearly the look in her eyes, a mix between confusion and scepticism.

“But I want you to see with your eyes that I have changed, I want you to tell me that in fact I’m better and that this time I won’t hurt Harry the same way. If you can see that I’ve finally tear my walls down once and for all, then I can talk to Harry and see if he can forgive me, but first I need to pass this test and I need you,” I insisted and the two girls looked at each other pondering the situation, communicating without saying words before they uttered the verdict.

“Show us,” Mila smiled and so did I, finally seeing a little of spark.

I thought that was hard, but that’s because I didn’t have to call Harry after all this time. Mila and Moni had finally told me that I had changed, even Alex and Kay agreed. And that means that now I have to talk to Harry and explain everything, but even if the girls say I’m ready, I feel like something is eating me from inside. My heart beats heavily as I look at my mobile over and over again. I’ve been pacing across my room for about an hour already, and I’ve been about to call Harry more than twenty times. I always hang up before the first tone.

I’m not the same girl, I’ve finally left my fears behind and I know my wounds are finally healing. I feel better, I feel alive and closer to all the people I love… but I still don’t have Harry and I need him so much it hurts to think of him and knowing he’s not with me. I don’t need him to push me to do what I have to do anymore, but I need him to hold my hand and smile at me, telling me that I can do it, that I’m in the right way. I need him to feel whole again. He is the missing piece and I can’t let him walk away from me. I can’t let him leave me.

I can fix this.

If I could only make myself call him.

“I’ll do it this time, Hope. This time I won’t hang up,” I say out loud looking at my cat –my God, she is so big now– who is sleeping on my bed, not really listening to me. Man, being a cat is easy, they don’t have to make important calls.

I’m still not sure of what I’ll tell Harry, I just know I have to call him and try… see if he will listen to me. So with that in mind, I dial his number again and press the gadget against my ear, fighting against the impulse to throw my mobile away. I hear the first tone and my heart stop. What if he doesn’t pick up? Or maybe he deleted my number so he won’t recognise it and will answer and when he realise it’s me, he’ll hang up and it’s going to be even worse.

I wait for five tones and I think he won’t pick up, I’m about to end the call when I hear the click and two seconds later, his uncertain voice. “Hannah?” He asks. No hello, no awkward silence… just my name.

I feel how my heart stops beating again and how my muscles relax. My knees fail and I end up on the floor in my room, holding the mobile with all my almost non existing strengths, feeling like I could burst out crying. I haven’t heard his voice in so long and hearing him saying my name hits something inside of me that disarms me.

“Harry,” I whisper, enjoying the way his name rolls in my lips. “Please, don’t hang up just hear me out,” I hurry to add before he does something. “I really need to talk to you, I have many things to tell you. Please, I’m begging you, just give me one chance to explain everything. After that you can tell me to fuck off again, but let me explain you.”

I’m so scared he won’t even replay that I don’t know what to do or think when he answers: “Are you in your house?”

I blink a couple of times, surprised and a bit confused, but I shake my head to clear my mind. “Yes.”

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. You can explain things to me then.”

“Thank you,” I let out in a whisper and for a moment I expect him to say something cute or silly, like he used to, but he says nothing. He just hangs up and that breaks my heart a little. Maybe he is coming just because of curiosity, maybe he just wants to put things crystal clear for me and that can only be done in person.

Whatever the reason is, I put my phone aside and rise to my feet in a second, running to the mirror to see if I’m presentable. I cringe. It could be worse, though, my hair is a mess and I’m only wearing comfy clothes, but I won’t change. I won’t be able to pick an outfit and I’ll have a crisis in the middle of my wardrobe. So I just brush my hair and fix my makeup as I wait for him, not knowing what to expect. I try to organise my ideas, but I’m so nervous I forget immediately what I said first. I guess I’ll have to let my heart speak when the moment comes.

I feel it has only been five minutes when the bells rings and I run downstairs. Dad is at the garage, so Harry and I will be alone, no one will interrupt us because even Savannah is busy today.

When I open the door and I see him standing there, with an unreadable expression, eyes as cold as the winter, no linger of a smile and dark clothes that seem to match with his mood, I feel like I can finally breathe since that night when he walked away. He is here, in front of me and a part of me wants to jump to his arms, but the other part tells me not to be stupid, that would only make things weird. So I only stare at him, with my heart beating so fast I think I’ll get a heart attack. I’ve missed him so much, so much that I don’t know how I managed to actually survive and have fun with the girls. I guess I’ve really improved since I didn’t stay inside, drowning in my self-pity.

“Harry,” I breathe in but he doesn’t say anything, he just stares at me back. “Please, come in.” I ask next opening the door wider so he can walk in. He does and when he breaks the eye contact, I feel empty again. I want to reach his hand and take it in mine, tangling our fingers together, but I know I can’t do it.

Harry knows his way already and he goes directly to the living room and I follow him close behind, pleasing myself with the view of his back and they way he moves when he walks. I really love this awkward way his body moves with every step.

He takes a seat on the sofa and then his eyes are on me again, his expression still cold and emotionless and I’m scared. I know this is the moment to speak, to pour my heart out to him and hope for the best, but I’m petrified. What if he, in these three weeks, got over me? What if he forgot everything that happened between us? What if he can’t forgive me after what I did?

“So?” He asks and I feel my stomach twisting inside.

I close my eyes for two seconds and take a deep breath before stepping closer and kneeling in front of him. It’s time to be two hundred per cent honest. “I guess I should start with an I’m sorry. You were right, I was only using that lie as an excuse to hide and push you away. I’m the biggest idiot for that and I deserve that you hate me for that. A part of me hates me, too.” I try to laugh but I don’t get any reaction from him and I know this is not going right.

Well, at least I have to tell him the truth and apologise.

“I’m just the biggest idiot out there, I should’ve believed you but I was scared. I was scared of so many things. That I wasn’t enough for you, that you were going to find someone better, without so many problems. Someone that wasn’t as broken as me. I was scared that you were going to walk away from my life and I didn’t realise I was pushing you away. It is normal that you reached your limit.” I look away for a second, remembering the way he looked at me when I said I blamed him for something he didn’t do. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that look of hurt in his eyes. “And I was also afraid of fully letting go, I was afraid of moving on and forgetting about my mum. Silly, I know, but not all our fears are rational. Most of them are not, to be honest.”

Harry doesn’t seem to change, it’s like my words don’t touch him and I already feel this is pointless, that I won’t get him to forgive me but I have to finish. I have to tell him everything, even if it will only work to take a weight off of my shoulders. At least, I’ll say I tried instead of what if.

“I was afraid of taking the last step to get rid of my walls once and for all and I failed you, and I’m so sorry you can’t even imagine. But now I know you couldn’t help me to take that one last step, I didn’t need you for that.” At those words I see the first reaction from Harry and he flinches, almost as if I had hit him. “I had to do it on my own… and I did.” I smile, proud of what I’ve done. Maybe –most likely–I lost Harry forever, but I still can say I did it… I moved on. “I got rid of my walls, Harry. I’m… I’m free to live my life to the fullest. I’m not afraid of letting people in, anymore, I’m even eager to make up for all the time I lost. The girls can tell you! I’ve tested myself and I know I’m better and I don’t need you for that, I don’t need anyone for that. This time I can stand on my own and that means I’m finally better.”

Harry looks away and that hurts me so much because I thought that he could maybe be happy for me in that aspect. He worked so hard for me to accomplish this and when I do, he looks away.

Well, I guess I deserve that.

“But I still need you,” I add in a whisper and those almost inaudible words make his head snap in my direction again. “I’m better now, I won’t build up any more walls, but I still need you with me because… because as my first walls fell when you walked into my life, I fell for you, Harry.” I chuckle and cover my mouth with a hand for a few seconds, trying to calm my beating heart.

Maybe he doesn’t feel the same way anymore, maybe this is really over, but at least I have to tell him this. In memory of what we once had.

“I’m still in love with you, Harry. I’m so in love with you it hurts me that you’re not around, that I can’t see you, that you haven’t said a word since you got here.” My voice fails me for the first time that day and I have to take a moment to recover. Harry’s eyes are over me all the time. “I hurt you, I know that and believe me, knowing what I did hurts me the most, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for what I did, but I can’t give up on you. I can’t let you walk away, Harry. I know you said it’ too late,” I lean in and reach his hand, but he pulls away and I try not to cry, not to break down right there. “But I have to try. I know I pushed you away, but this it’s me, running behind, trying to reach you again. I can promise you that it won’t happen again because I’ve conquered those fears that made me do this in the first place. I’m better but I still need you, I still want you with me.”

My voice trembles and I have to blink a couple of times because my sight is burry. I need him to say something, but he remains silent and that hangs between us, so heavy I can’t bear it. I know a part of me always knew it. But I still can’t give up!

“Please!” I beg, not able to stop the tears this time and not even that gets a reaction from him. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, I don’t know if he is even listening to me and I can’t be strong anymore. I break. “Please, Harry, tell me there’s something I can do, something so you can forgive me. I swear in my mother’s name that I’ll never do something that stupid again, but just… just give me another chance. I love you, I can’t let you walk away from me. Please…” by that time, I can’t keep talking because I choke in my own speech and the tears stream down my face endlessly.

I cover my face with my hands, ashamed and desperate. I can’t keep looking at his emotionless expression, I can’t stare at his cold eyes anymore and let my heart keep breaking with his indifference.

But then I feel his hands on my wrists, pulling my hands away and when I look up, he is in front of me, his knees brushing mine, his eyes at the same height and this time his emerald irises swirl with many, oh so many emotions. I breathe heavily, not daring to think or assume anything.

“Never, just promise me that you’ll never ever again will push me away. Never,” he whispers so low that for a moment I think I’m just making that up, that I misheard him, but then he smiles. He really smiles at me! One of his beautiful and heart-warming smiles, one that shows off his dimples and that makes me feel fully alive again. Then one of his hands is cupping my face tenderly and I’m melting, I’m actually melting. “Never.”

“Never ever,” I promise with all my heart, my own hand placing on top of his, tangling our fingers together. And at my words, his smile widens and my heart goes crazy. “I’ll only pull you closer if you let me.”

He chuckles lightly before nodding, his smile never leaving his lips and at his motion, I grab his collar and pull him towards me until I crush my lips against his, kissing him desperately. I feel like a starving woman that has finally found water and food and I can’t get enough. And as I wrap my arms around his neck and he hugs me back, deepening the kiss, I feel that everything is where it is supposed to be again. Everything is fine in this world and in my life.

I let him walk away once and that broke not only my heart but my very soul, now I promise to my mother, and to everyone listening to me, that I’ll never let him go again. No matter what I have to do, I’ll keep him with me because he is all I need. He is the only thing I can’t live without anymore.  I can’t live without him anymore, because if I don’t have him, I’m not really living. I can go out and have fun, I can meet new friends, new people… but there will always a missing piece in my chest and that place can be only be filled with Harry. All him.

And I make sure I let him know all this in this kiss.

When we pull away, he looks at me with warm eyes, his hands in my face, stroking my still wet cheeks, stealing some quick kisses as I still hold on to him.

“You’re wrong in only one thing,” Harry says softly and I cock my head to one side in a questioning manner. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, Hannah, because I love you, too. Because I fell for you in a way I’ve never fallen before.”

With his words, the last piece falls into its place and I know we’ve built the ground we need before going on with our lives. We beat all the obstacles we had to face to get to this point. I have him and he has me, and as long as he holds my hand, I’m not afraid of anything.

I’m strong, stronger than what I thought I was, but when I’m with Harry, I’m even stronger, I’m better and I’m the happiest. And I know that when I’m this happy, Mum is also happy and even closer to me.

“I love you so much,” I whisper tangling my fingers in his hair as I lean closer and put our foreheads together. “And I’ve missed you so much.”

“And I’ve missed you, too. With all my heart. And you know, we have three weeks to catch up,” he says and his smile is so cheeky I burst out laughing.

“You never change,” I tell him, pecking his lips softly.

He smiles and shrugs, but his eyes sparkle with amusement. “I’m serious, though.”

And I laugh again. This is my beautiful Harry, someone I’ll make sure to keep close for as long as I can. “Then we better start now,” I answer with the same smile he gave me first and the way he looks at me is priceless.

Right next, he kisses me deeply and I give in without any hesitation, without any voice telling me to be careful, to be afraid, because this time, once and for all, there’s nothing stopping me from being happy and living my life. And that’s what I’m going to do, with Harry.

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And the final chapter has come... are you happy? I love Harrah so much

Yes, I will write an epilogue I'll post later.

I really wanna say thank you, guys. This story had such a success! I can't believe it. With all your comments and votes you made me so happy. Sometimes I felt like crying out of sheer happiness. Thank you

Can you, PLEASE, comment on this chapter? Like your last thought about the story. Even a smily face will make me happy. I just wanna hear your voice. I don't think I'll be able to reply to all your comments, but I always read them and it won't be the exception. I wanna know what you think.

Remember than on Monday I'll start posting my two new stories: Bitter & Sassy (Louis Tomlinson) and Masquerade (Liam Payne). For more information, visit my tumblr: http://belwatson.tumblr.com

Last shout outs in this story go to @inna65, @kayleestyles14, @MnM12321, @anothergirl_25, @AngelaBoice and @scottihorantomlinson!

Bel, xx