Chapter 49 ~ Harry

Three weeks have past and it still hurts, but I don’t feel like dying every second now. When I’m around people, I can actually forget about it and just carry on. It’s when I’m alone, before I fall asleep, when the memories haunt me. But I’ll be fine, I have loads of things to keep me distracted. Tour starts in a month and a half and we’re rehearsing a lot. We are shooting our third video to release it before we take off with the tour around Europe. We have a lot of interviews and photoshoot sessions, a lot of promo and a few minor gigs. I’m working so hard so I don’t have time to think of her.

I try not to say her name… it’s easier that way. Less painful.

The lads and the girls know I’m doing better, yet I still catch them staring at me with worried expressions, but I smile at hem honestly, letting them know I’ll be fine. I’m not the first one to go through this and certainly I won’t be the first. If other can do it, so can I. maybe one day I’ll meet someone else and I’ll fall in love again, I’m pretty sure I won’t fall this hard ever again, but I’ll be in love again and I’ll be happy. For now, I don’t need anyone else. I’m better off alone.

Moni and Mila are not afraid to let me alone anymore. Louis asks me to go out with him and I go, I have fun and I don’t remember a thing the next morning. I laugh with the lads and if I remember her, I force myself to push that thought aside until I’m alone and I can mourn my lost. I’m doing my best to move on and I know everything will be fine at least.

When the whole Jennifer’s story came out, many people attacked me on the social networks. I lost around three million followers in one day and I didn’t mind, I wasn’t even surprised that so many people believed that woman and I didn’t even bother to deny it nor confirm it. I just let it be, hoping that the lie would fall by its own weight. And it did. A few days ago Jennifer husband made an appearance and told everyone that he didn’t left her because of me but because she couldn’t stop lying. Turns out Jennifer Jones is an actress and she needed fame, she needed to be recognised for her career to bust, and she could only think of lying to do so. When she told that to her husband, he left her, disgusted for the extents she could reach.

So the truth came out publicly, she apologised to me and so did many other gossip shows and tabloids. And let’s no talk about the fans. Because in a matter of hours all those millions of fans that unfollowed me, came back claiming they always loved me and they were sorry. I still say nothing about it, I pretend it never happened.

And with that solved, I’ve felt a bit better. I think everyone feels a bit better, now we can go out and no one starts yelling at me home wrecker or manwhore, which is always nice.

I’m sure that by when the tour finally starts, everything will be fine and I’ll enjoy every single moment I spend on stage, doing what I love the most. Maybe I’ll even end up forgetting about her, though there’s still a small part of me that whispers I’ll never forget about her. Not really, at least. But I ignore that voice, I don’t need it.

I’ve noticed the girls go out a lot together. Alex, Phebs, Belle, Mila, Moni and sometimes even with Kay. The other day only they went to a gig of this new girl band –Prodigy, I think it’s the name– and even if one of us wanted to go with them, they didn’t allow it. They said it was a night girls out. Since then, this band became one of Alex, Moni, Mila and Kay’s favourite. They couldn’t stop talking about how amazing they are for two days in a row.

Yes, they are still talking about this gig. It’s kind of funny, Mila seems infatuated with the bass player  and lead singer –I can’t remember their name–, Moni adores the lead singer too and Alex thinks the lead guitar is a genius. Apparently, Kay adores the drummer.

“Oh right! I remember that solo! Hannah almost fainted,” Kay says one afternoon when we’re hanging out together at the rehearsing rooms Alex, Mila, Moni and her are remembering that gig from two days ago.

I freeze and so does everyone else, even Kay. She is spending a lot of time around us lately, getting along with the girls and always picking on Louis, reason why he is not around right now. The thing is, she knows about what happened with… her, she knows no one mentions her and I thought no one wanted to see her, I thought no one had seen her again.

What is this? What the fuck?

“What did you say?” I ask carefully. Maybe I misheard her, but the panic in her eyes tells me otherwise.

I look at Mila and Moni, they would never lie to me and when our eyes meet I know they are studying me, pondering whether they tell me something or not. I still breathing with difficulty, not expecting this.

Did they meet by accident in that gig? Why didn’t they tell me before? Why didn’t Moni tried to kill her again? This doesn’t make any sense.

“Hannah invited us to that gig,” Alex answers and my head snaps in her direction. Her eyes are cold yet very cautious. Niall next to her moves uncomfortably and I wonder if he knows about this as well. “We’ve been hanging out with her lately,” she carries on and I feel betrayed.

It’s not enough that she stabbed me three weeks ago, now they push the dagger even deeper.

“What?” I say through gritted teeth. “You’re shitting me, right?” I make use of Alex’s most typical phrase.

“No,” Mila answers this time. As my eyes search for the petite girl, I see how uncomfortable Kay is. This slipped out of her mouth, this wasn’t meant to happen. They were planning on hiding this from me, but why? For how long? Do they honestly think I can’t take it?

“Why? Why didn’t you tell me before?” I question, the pain clear in my voice.

“Because we were testing her,” Moni answers this time but I still don’t understand. The brunette takes a deep breathe and looks at Mila, asking her to continue.

“Because no one would let her near you unless we were sure she has changed,” one of my best friends says, her eyes sure and determined. “We ran into her like two weeks ago and she looked fine, looked so much better and for a moment Moni almost killed her, but then she talked to us.”

“‘I’ve even kicked the bricks, no more walls with anyone,’ she said,” Moni reports and those words hit me mercilessly, like a slap across my face that leaves me looking in the opposite direction. “She claimed that this time she wasn’t only letting you in, but everyone else.”

I feel like the ground is moving, like the whole room is spinning and I need a hold, but there’s nothing I can hold on to. These words are more and more slaps and I need a break to catch my breath, but they keep talking.

“She asked us let her prove herself first with us,” Mila adds and my chest hurts.

Why is she doing this? Why like this? She never came to me, she never tried to talk to me but she talks to them? She made the mistake with me! She should at least have apologised to me first! I don’t understand what she is doing, I don’t know what to think of this.

“She has changed,” Alex states next and when I look at her, I notice my hands are shaking so I ball them and hide them inside the pocket of my old purple hoodie. “She smiles, she laughs with us effortlessly, she socialises with anyone. It’s like nothing stops her anymore.”

“When I met her she looked afraid of talking to people,” Kay intervenes this time and I think it’s the first time I see her talking seriously. She is always only jokes and laughter. “Now she is not afraid to make new friends.”

No walls, I think, chanting those two words in my mind over and over again.

But I can’t just believe what they are saying to me. I can’t just believe that Hannah finally changed. But how? I didn’t push her this time, she was alone. I know Savannah didn’t do it, she tried before and never succeeded. Her dad never got even closer. This time she was alone, why would she finally change?

“Was… Was Savannah there as well?” I ask, not sure why.

“A few times, but not always,” Moni answers with a smile, a smile that tells me she knows better what’s going on in my head than I know myself.

Hannah could talk to other people, try to be friends with them as long as Savannah or I were around, so she could have a shield, someone to lean on… but now she was alone and she did it. If what the girls tell me is true, she finally did it.

“I asked her to go to a party with me and Grimmy,” Kay tells me as if she is telling me one of her adventures in Paris, her smile easy and light. “She accepted without hesitation and we had fun. She is really fun to be around but she is a lightweight.”

My mouth opens in shock and I try to blink the surprise away. This doesn’t sound like the Hannah I know, this sounds more like the Hannah I never got to meet, that one that was so buried inside that I thought I would never reach. But now that part of her is outside… when I’m not around.

“She told us about this car exhibition the other day,” Moni tells me, her smile still scheming.

“She asked us to help in one of Savannah’s videos,” Mila adds, careful of my reaction.

I feel overwhelmed with information, with so many changes that I haven’t seen, but the girls have and I know they would never lie to me. Not with something as important as this.

But I still don’t understand why she didn’t talk to me first, why didn’t she tell me she was getting better without my help? Maybe she doesn’t need me anymore, maybe she doesn’t even want to fix things between us. But then I remember I told her that it was going to be too late.

Is it too late? If she walks in now and tells me she is sorry, that she wants to start where we left off… what would I say?

She is better, that’s all what I’ve always wanted for her, to heal and be happy, be free. I always thought she needed me for that, but she doesn’t. She did it without me, she did it when I walked away. What does that say?

That she doesn’t need me. And I guess I still want her to need me, but she won’t walk through my doors asking me to forgive her, even if she has finally healed.

I thought I was getting better myself, I thought I was forgetting about her, but the mention of her name is enough to bring me back to where she left me and now I feel worse, because she is better but I’m not. I feel pathetic, I feel like a complete loser. And that’s what I am, right?

Without a single word, I rise to my feet and leave the room. I hear them calling me and I even run into Louis when I’m leaving, but I don’t stop. My mind is pure chaos and I feel lost, without ground to stand upon. I feel like I’ve lost my direction and I don’t know where I’m going now.

She got better, she finally destroyed all her walls by her own. She makes friends, she lets other people in without my help. She doesn’t need me anymore, but I… I still need her. Even if I say it’s over, even if I say I won’t come back to her, I still want her with me.

I’m the biggest idiot ever.

But I have pride, and I won’t go to her. She is clearly better off without me, why even bother? She can be friends with my friends, she can go out with them as much as she wants. I won’t go to her, I won’t ask her for explanations, I won’t demand anything.

It’s over. I said it already.

I’m not sure where I’m going, but most likely I’ll end up in my car, driving to a place where I can be alone and let my anger out. Maybe I’ll go to the gym and I’ll canalise all my frustration and confusion there, but my mobile goes off. Angrily, I stop and take the gadget out of my pocket and I’m about to just decline the call, but I see her picture on the screen. I didn’t delete her contact, I never thought she was going to call me again and I knew I would never call her, it wasn’t necessary to delete it. But now she is calling… Hannah is calling me.

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Shouts out for @TheFlockOfJabberjays, @LaurinBixler, @Aly1D_10 and @_Potterwatch_ Happy birthday!

Bel, xx