Chapter 48  ~ Hannah

I walk slowing, hugging the bouquet carefully against my chest as I make my way towards her grave. The snow keeps falling slowly over me and I’m freezing alive, but I keep walking. I need to talk to her, even if she can’t reply. I need to tell her everything before doing something.

When I finally get to her grave, I put down the flowers I bought that will be dead by tomorrow, but I couldn’t come with empty hands again. I look at the stone with her name and the day she left, I try to smile but tears are already burning in my eyes and I have to blink many times before saying even hello.

“This time I did bring flowers,” I say with a sad smile, hugging myself to keep me warm. My coat is not enough, but I guess it’s good to feel cold, it reminds me I’m still alive, no matter how dead I feel inside. “I– I really need you now, Mum,” I carry on slowly, carefully picking all the words I need to say. “I’ve made an awful mistake, maybe my biggest mistake.”

Harry’s smile flashes before my eyes and then I see his hurt expression when he turned around and left my house. That’s the last image I have of him and it hurts every time I remember it. I can’t believe what I did, I can’t believe that I was actually that stupid to doubt him. I can’t believe I’m such a coward that I used anything just to find an excuse to hide again. And my stupidity hurt the boy I’m in love with and now I lost him over that.

“I hurt Harry, Mum. I betrayed him and ruined everything. And the worst part is that I realise I’m in love with him, but he gave up on me and now everything is over and I don’t know how to fix it. He told me it’s too late,” I tell my mum and I wish, oh so badly, she could be here with me, listening to me, hugging me, with some wise advice.

I really need my mum now.

“Why can’t I let go of this pain, Mum? I thought I was getting better, I honestly thought I was doing fine but then I throw this shitty move and everything is lost. Everything. And I’m worse than ever. I don’t even have him now.” I look at her grave, desperately, whishing that somehow she’ll come out of the ground and reach me. “Why can’t I let go of your lost?” My voice trembles and I feel the hot tears on my cheeks again.

Honestly, how many tears do I have? Will I ever run out of them?

“I know I wish you never left, but it’s like that for as long as I wish that, I can’t have anyone else. I can’t have Harry.” I choke in my words.

I feel like I’m in the middle of the motorway, at one side there’s Mum, smiling at me, holding out her hand and behind her there are all the memories of a past where I was happy, where I was whole. At the other side there is Harry, looking at me with a surrendered expression, behind him all the possibilities of a brighter future. I want to run to him, I want to throw myself at his arms, but I can’t let go of the past, I can’t let go of my mother.

“It’s like for as long as I hold on to your memory, I can’t have a future, and even more, a future with Harry,” I say between soft sobs, my shoulders shaking with hurtful spams. I’m breaking into pieces, yet I’m still standing and I don’t even know how this is possible. “I want to be with him, but I can’t leave you behind. What can I do, Mum? How can I solve this?” I cry out desperate, my voice shattered and unrecognisable.

I cover my face with my hands and in my mind I see how Harry starts to dissolve in he background and with him all the possibilities, but Mum is still there, with me. But I don’t feel better, and as the cold touches my very bones, shaking me from inside, I see how Mum loses her smile.

“This is not what I want,” she says in my mind and I’m on my knees in the middle of the motorway, still sobbing. “This is not what you need, Hannah. You can’t go on like this, holding on to the past and afraid of the future. You can’t change what happened but you can change what may happen. You’re a clever girl,” she adds with a smile, stepping closer.

Mum, in my daydream, kneels next to me and hugs me as she used to do when she was alive. I wonder if I’m imagining all this just to give myself a break or maybe I went mad. Maybe I should ask for clinical help now.

“But I miss you, I need you,” I protest, holding on to her, so afraid of letting her go.

“No, you don’t need me anymore. You’re a big girl now and stronger than what you think, Hannah Banana,” she laughs at the silly nickname she used to call me when I was five. “You don’t need me anymore, but you need him. He makes you happy, doesn’t he?” I nod, I don’t even have to think, the answer has always been clear. “Then what are you doing? Show him that you are not living in the past anymore, that you’re a big girl now. I’m proud of you, Hannah, and I know I’ve taught you well, but what you’re doing now is not what I taught you. You’re better than this.”

“I’m no better, I’m a wreck!” I cry out, my whole body shaking with violent spams.

“You are, don’t be silly,” she pats my head lightly, kissing the top of it. “Stop lying to yourself, I know you’re capable of doing it, I believe in you. The only one who doesn’t believe in you, it’s you. It’s time for you to hold that head high and walk in the right direction. I left, but you didn’t and it’s time for you to stop wanting things you can’t change.”

“But I miss you,” I insist.

“And I miss you. I love you, my dear Hannah, and I will always love you, but I want you to be happy. Stop hurting yourself like this, stop denying what you want. Go and show that boy the real Hannah. I know she is in there.” Mum pokes my heart lightly with her index finger. “Let her see the light of the sun again, let her be happy and free. Don’t stop yourself anymore, there’s no need of that, sweetie. No one will judge you for being happy.”

I don’t know what to say, but I know she is right.

“Life is meaningless if we don’t take risks, Hannah, and those things we work the hardest to get are the best thing in life. Those things that may hurt us the most are the things that will make us the happiest. And those things are always worth it. Go, be happy, smile, because every time you smile, you have me closer. Every smile of yours is a smile of my own. Every time you laugh, I laugh. Every time you enjoy yourself, I enjoy myself too. I’m with you, Hannah; I never really left. No one really goes, because we have memories, because we have hearts. Stop crying for me because I’m still with you, every single moment of your day. I’m always with you, Hannah, even closer than before.”

Always with me… never left.

I breathe slowly and deeply, letting the words sink in my soul as I see my mother smile and I know she realises the moment I finally internalise her wise advice because her smile grows wider.

“That’s my girl, always clever. Now open your eyes and remember that every time you want to see me again, you just have to close your eyes and open your heart. You’ll hear me if you stop shutting people out.”

I open my eyes and I’m not in the motorway anymore, I’m in the cemetery, surrounded by snow, freezing to death but I feel alive, I feel I have a purpose again, I have direction. And I feel like I have my mum again with me.

I never realised that by building up walls around me, I was also shutting my mother out. Now I know how fool I’ve been and how easy I could have avoided all this pain for all these years. But I can’t change the past, Mum told me that –or maybe it was my subconscious, but I rather think it was Mum–, but I can change the present and I will.

No one but me is tearing my walls down and this time I won’t build them again. I won’t shut anyone else out again. Not my Mum, not Dad, not Sheila, not Harry, not Savannah… not anyone. And most certainly, I won’t keep lock my real self inside anymore. My inner self deserves to see the light and this time I’ll let her. Everyone will see the real Hannah. No more hiding for fear to get hurt. No more excuses to build up walls. This time I’m kicking all the bricks so far away that I’ll never reach them again.

This time I’m free.

I smile honestly for the first time since I saw that gossip on the telly, I laugh at myself for being so stupid but I’m ready to fix this, to change things. To finally move on.

“Thank you, Mum,” I say still smiling and I swear I feel her smiling back at me, proud of me. “Now wish me luck and pray it’s not too late. I won’t let Harry fade away,” I add holding my head high. “I’ll get him back, I’ll show him how much I’m sorry and how this time I’m better because he deserves that.”

Taking a last a deep breath, I leave and this time I don’t feel like I leave my mum behind. Oh no, this time I feel her right next to me, walking by my side. I still can’t believe I never felt her before, I was so blind with my own fears and wrong ideas that I never realised I never really lost her. For three years, I put walls between her and I.

Not anymore. No more walls with anyone.

As I get in my Mini Couper and drive back home, I keep thinking of what I can do. I need to show Harry this time I really mean it, that this time I’ve finally let my wounds heal. By the time I get there, I grab Hope in my arms and shower her in kisses. I feel new, I feel happy and ready. I feel whole again, yet there’s something missing in my chest and I know what it is. Who is missing. But I’ll get him back and everything will be fine again, I know it.

I run to the piano, grabbing all the music sheets I have and leaving Hope on top of it, hoping she will help me with the creative process. The only idea I came up with during my ride here was to write him a song, a song that shows him all my feelings and my change. A song that will show him who I really am, without keeping anything from him.

I write many verses, different melodies, but nothing sounds right. My floor is flooded with paper balls, yet I keep trying, but nothing is enough. Nothing shows him, nothing proves him that I really mean it. I sang for him before, I told him I wasn’t afraid and that was a lie. Why would he believe me now?

I can scream to the world that I love him. I can go on a stage and sing to everyone how much he means to me, but that won’t show him I’ve changed.

He gave up on me not because he thinks I don’t love him, he gave up on me because he thinks I don’t want to get better, that I can’t get better and I need to show him I can. I did.

He helped me to start, he took my hand during the whole process and I failed in the last stage and then he let go, but that’s what I needed. I had to take that last step alone and now I did it, now I’m finally ready. Now I can say I’ve finally cleaned my wounds and they are ready to heal. The itches are there, the skin is pulled together and there’s no fresh flesh. I took the last step and I’m better and he needs to see that.

A song won’t show him that.

So no matter how many music sheets I waste writing songs to tell him my feelings, that’s not enough. No sheet will hold how much he’s done for me, how I’ve changed. Words will fade into the nothingness, but actions will stay forever. I need to actually do something and as I stroke Hope’s fur, breaking my skull trying to figure out what, the answer comes to me, almost a whisper carried by the wind.

Suddenly, the answer is clear and I’m not afraid, I know I can do it. Even if it takes time, all I need to do is to show him I’m fine. I’m finally fine.

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Shouts outs for: @Louis_Mikaelson and @HopelesslyLovesFoodx. Happy birthday!

Bel, xx