Chapter 47 ~ Harry

“C’mon, mate! Let’s go out, have some fun and let’s forget about that bitch!” Louis chants shaking my body but I lay motionless on the couch, the telly is on but I’m not really watching anything. But I do cringe when I hear him calling Hannah like that.

Yes, everything is over. Yes, she stabbed me in the back. Yes, she ruined everything, but that doesn’t mean I stopped loving her. I just can’t shut down my feelings for her like that, what I feel for that stubborn and coward ginger girl is too strong to overcome in a few days. Plus, it seems like every single thing in my world reminds me of her.

I see Ed, I think of her hair, always falling so graciously around her features.

I see a cat, I think of Hope and how lovely Hannah is with that little kitty.

I see a guitar, I think of Hannah playing Stomach Tied in Knots for me.

I see a microphone, I think of Hannah singing for so many kids in the school.

I see my Lexus, and all I can think of is Hannah. She is always in my mind, making this even more painful, more unbearable. I wish my feelings were like a switch and I could easily turn them off, but I can’t. And that is killing me.

And Louis is not helping, he keeps insulting Hannah and I want to defend her, I want to yell at him to shut up, but I can’t do it. It’s over, I don’t owe her anything, she pushed me away. Why should I keep defending her? I don’t have to, as I don’t have to answer all the questions people keep throwing at me.

What happened with Hannah?

Is it true what Jennifer Jones claims?

Did you really destroy that marriage?

Are you single again?

Why did you cheat on your girlfriend?

What will you do to help Jennifer?

I just want to yell at them to leave me the fuck alone. I have enough with my own misery, with my anger and disappointment, I have enough with my own sorrow. I hate Jennifer so much and I hope I’ll never see her, because that day I would lose control. People keep asking, but I say nothing. It’s not their business, I’m only selling my music, not my life. I smile, wave, take pictures and carry on. They won’t get anything from me, anything but a song. But if I see Jennifer, that woman that is spreading lies so they can pay her to have her in their shows… if I see her, I will react, I will yell and do something I would regret later.

I don’t know why she decided to ruin my life like this, why she picked me to made up a crazy story, but I hate her and I rather never have the opportunity to ask her why. If I do have that chance, I’ll end up on the tabloids for worse reasons and I certainly don’t need that, I have enough.

“I tried to warn you, Harry. Staying here won’t solve anything, you just need to move on. All women are the same, no one is worth it,” he insists and his words cut even deeper. “OUCH!” He cries out next and for the first time I look up to see Louis now on the floor, rubbing his arms. Next to him is Moni, her hand in a tight fist and looking murderously at Louis.

“Shut the fuck up, Louis Tomlinson! How dare you say that? What’s wrong with you? You can’t say those things to Harry now!” She spats and I blink surprised, Louis’ mouth is shaped in a perfect O, as astonished as I am. “It’s time to cut this show. Enough is enough, you fucktard! If you can’t push your resentment aside for your best mate, then get out! Harry doesn’t need I-told-you-sos right now. Is he your best mate or what? A best friend puts his own issues aside to help the other, and you’re doing quite the opposite now! So if you can’t put aside your bitterness, leave now before I really hit you and do something ugly with your face!”

Louis’s mouth opens and shuts like a fish out of the water, still on the floor, staring at Moni with shock and fear in his eyes. Then he looks at me and I see the words in his gaze, I don’t need him to say it out loud. He stands up next and leaves the room, giving me one last apologising stare before exiting the flat.

I eye carefully at Moni who still breathes heavily. I’m beyond surprised, she’s been always so mean to me, always making me believe she hates my guts and that I’m her least favourite, but she’s acting as protective as she was with Mila when all this issue with her stories happened, when she didn’t allow anyone get near her friend. She is in the Dragon-mode again, this time for me.

She turns to look at me and her eyes soften, concern replacing her anger. “How you feeling?” She asks and soon I hear more steps: Mila coming with a tray with three mugs. “We made tea for you, it’ll make you feel a wee better,” she promises helping Mila and handing me a mug. I sit straight as I take the mug in my hands, smelling the sweet scent of the black homemade tea.

“Same old,” I say with all honesty. I’ve pour my guts to these two girls, I’m not afraid of being honest. “I still feel like there’s something missing inside.”

The two girls look at each other, as if they were looking for the words to say with teamwork. They can communicate so easily without saying a single word, they can express so perfectly together it is impressive. And I’ve noticed Zayn is learning that, he can now finish Mila’s sentences and they can say thing to each other without uttering words. Moni and Ed have another kind of language, but I’ve noticed it too.

Again, that aching longing comes back, and this time is worse because I got it for a moment, for a few weeks I had what I always wanted, what almost all my friends have but I lost it and now I miss it more than ever.

“I’m so sorry, Harry,” Moni starts.

“But you’re taking this quite well. At least, publicly. You have the right to be sad in your flat, you don’t have to pretend in here,” Mila finishes taking a seat at my other side. I’m surrounded by them but it feels good to have them with me, giving me their support.

“I miss her,” I confess looking at the black beverage in the mug. “I miss her terribly.”

First I feel their arms around me before Mila speaks, “I know and I’m sorry this happened, Harry. If it makes you feel better, Moni will kill that whore that made up all this story. We’re tracking her down already,” she says with a cheerful tone and I chuckle humourlessly. “Just promise me you’ll help me bail her out of jail.” This time, I laugh and when I look at the brunette, she is smiling brightly, as if she wouldn’t have any problem whatsoever with killing someone.

Sometimes Moni is too bloodthirsty.

“Thanks,” I whisper and they sigh. A heavy sigh that tells me there’s something else, something they are keeping from me. “What’s it?” I ask and they pull apart uncomfortable, proving me that they are indeed hiding something. “Tell me now.”

“I– I may or may not almost attacked Hannah today.” At her words, my eyes widen and I almost drop my mug. “I didn’t!” She hurries to say, but I still look at her shocked.

Ugh! Why do I care so much?! Why can’t I just stop caring already? She betrayed me! She believed Jennifer instead of me, she decided to believe the words of a woman she has never met just to have a reason to push me away. I shouldn’t care anymore!

But I do, I can’t help it and I kind of hate myself for that reason.

“We saw her at the music shop today. I had to stop Moni from jumping over her and hurting her,” Mila carries on.

“I told her you never were with that woman,” the brunette continues, looking away. “I was so mad, it just slipped out of my mouth. I’m sorry.”

For a moment I hold my breath, trying to think of what this means. Now Hannah knows for sure I never got involved with Jennifer Jones, now she knows it was all a lie. Now she knows she made a mistake, but… will this make a difference? I told her that by this moment, it was going to be too late.

And it is.

She’ll never change, she’ll never get over the grief of her lost. Maybe now she realises it was a mistake, that she should’ve believed me, but what happens next? When the next poisonous snake comes and tries to get something out of me with lies and fake tears? Hannah will believe them again, and again. There will always be someone trying to take advantage of my reputation, of my previous mistakes, of my fame and I can’t trust Hannah that she’ll believe me. I can’t trust her anymore because she will take anything just to push me away and go back to her comfort zone.

“Is she okay?” I ask because I don’t know what else to say.

Moni looks away again, conflicted whether to tell me the truth or to lie to me. I can read her, I know her already. So I look at Mila, hoping she will tell me. “No,” the black-haired girl whispers very low. “She was crying heartbreakingly when we left.”

Her words make something twitch inside of me, like thousands of knots twisting in sheer anguish. I want to do something because there’s nothing I hate more than seeing Hannah cry, seeing her unhappy, but it’s not my place anymore. I have nothing to do with her anymore. She pushed me away and I gave up, I accepted there’s nothing I can do for her anymore. She is hopeless.

I leave the mug on the coffee table and rise to my feet, walking away without saying a word. I want to forget about her, I want to delete from my memory all the time we spent together. I want to forget all those times when she surprised me with her reactions, when she didn’t acknowledge me for being Harry Styles but for being Ed Sheeran’s friend. I want to forget the first time she smiled at me. I want to forget when she told me she didn’t want me in her life. I want to forget when she told me about her mum. I want to forget when she held on to me for dear life. I want to forget when she yelled at me for driving like crazy and scaring her. I want to forget when she kissed me and giggled, impressed with what she had done. I want to forget all those moments yet I don’t want to forget a single thing because every single moment is a treasure in my mind, a painful treasure.

I go outside to the balcony and I let the merciless cold embrace me. I’m just with trousers and a light jumper so I feel the strength of the winter in my bones, but I don’t care. I feel numb already, this doesn’t make any difference.

As I stare at the horizon I keep wondering why, why did I have to fall for the broken girl who doesn’t want to get better? Why did I have to fall for the girl who only knows how to push away?

I wanted to fall in love and when I did, I regret, yet at the same time I wouldn’t change a thing. I feel so conflicted and stupid. But I can’t think of anything else.

It’s been three days, but it feels like three lives.

And I know that even if Hannah comes knocking at my door, asking me for forgiveness, it wouldn’t make a difference. I can’t trust her anymore, I know deep inside she doesn’t want to heal. She want’s to stay broken and hurt so she can feel sorry for herself and lock herself inside walls that no one can stumble down.

I found the most amazing girl but she is too broken for me to fix and I can’t have her anymore and that hurts more than I can even describe. I wonder when this pain will go and let me breathe again. For some reason, I don’t think it will be soon enough. Maybe I’ll always feel like I have a thorn in my heart, but I’ll move on, I’ll forget about her eventually. I’ll forget her beautiful smile, the sparkle of her green eyes, the way her hair danced behind her when she walked, the way she cocked her head to the right when she listed to a song for the first time, picking up all the notes in the air, the way she stuck her tongue out at me when she always hit the centre of the target and I kept failing.

Eventually, I’ll forget all that and more.

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Shouts out for @supermanscarrotqueen! Happy birthday, dear! I know it's this week.

Bel, xx