Chapter 43 ~ Harry

You know when things are great and everything seems to be perfect yet you have that feeling that it can’t be like that? That something has to go wrong because life isn’t perfect? Well, I have that feeling and I can’t shove it off no matter how hard I try.

Hannah and I are doing great and she is making great progress. I see she is getting along better with the lads, she is not that awkward and so reluctant to meet people, yet she always needs me around or at least, Savannah. Someone she can trust, I guess. I know someday she won’t need anyone to make new friends and let people in. She won’t need shields.

Even the media has been… uh, nice? I’m not sure. They are really interested in this girl I’m dating, but they can’t get much information as Hannah is very reserved and she has almost no friends except from Savannah. They made up rumours, they say things to her like she is just one more in my endless list of women, but she ignores them. I guess she is used to block other people’s words, which is quite convenient now. I guess the paparazzi will get bored eventually and they will just accept that this time I’m serious, that I really care about Hannah and she is not just another one.

Plus, I make sure to tell her every day that whatever they say isn’t true because they don’t know me a tenth part of what she knew about me when we met. I also remind her every chance I get that what I feel for her is something I’ve never felt before.

I love being with her, even if it’s just one minute a day. I love talking to her, telling her all the things we did and when she tells me how her day went. I love our pointless conversations, how she can take a banter and how much she loves to mess with me, joke with me. She loves to laugh and I love to hear her musical laughter. I love when we work together in a new song, I love how passionate she is about music, I love how much she cares about Hope and how sweet she is with that little kitty. What I feel for Hannah is something I’ve never felt before and maybe I should be scared, maybe I should be worried that I’m falling too deep, but I don’t. I know that this is right, this is what I’m supposed to feel. How do I know it? I have no idea, I just know it.

But when I get home, when I see Louis watching a movie that has no romance whatsoever, even if he has seen it a millionth times, I feel like it’s not fair my life is going so perfectly right now. I know he is not fine that I have all this now when he is alone and resentful, when he is hurt, even if he doesn’t want to talk about it. It also makes me think how it’s possible that everything feels so perfect and I’m afraid of the moment when the honeymoon stage passes and the problems in paradise start. It can’t be perfect forever, can it?

I’ve had this dream where Hannah is completely fine, when the death of her mum doesn’t stop her anymore, when she has no problem letting people in anymore and when she is like that, she realises she doesn’t need me anymore. What if that happens? What if she stops needing me? I–– I can’t just picture myself without her anymore. I know it sounds lame and I should be ashamed of my feelings or for sounding like such a girl, but it’s the truth. I need her, probably more than she needs me. Not in the way she does, but I do need her by my side because when I have her, I feel completely happy. She makes me happy, when she smiles, when she laughs, when she takes my hand, when she looks at me, when she sings to me.

What if… what if she meets someone better? Like Eleanor did? Someone like, I don’t know, that Max guy she practises with for the Easter presentation? In a few months I’ll start the European tour and I won’t be around as much as I can be now, but he can and maybe now that she won’t have walls that would keep him away, he’ll try to steal her from me.

Mila saw the other day that I was gloomy and she made me –and by made me I mean she forced me using cute pictures of cats to bribe me– tell her what was going on. She says I shouldn’t be as insecure, that I should trust Hannah and what she feels for me, but I can’t help it. It’s never sure with her, I’m afraid she can go back to the Hannah I first met in any minute and shut me out again, or that she just find out that she doesn’t need me anymore. I’m just afraid she’ll push me away again and after all we’ve been through, after having her, I can’t bear the thought of losing her. I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want Hannah to be with me.

I just hope that this bad feeling in my guts is nothing but paranoia.

* * *

Today is the first time Hannah comes with me to a gig. It’s a small gig we’re doing for charity. This year we’re getting really involved with many charity causes, not only Red Nose. If we can help, we go. We’ll play five songs and all the funds we raise will go to the charity. Plus, it helps us to promote our new album that just recently got released. Promo is our main focus now before we go in the European tour.

I know she is excited to see all the activity backstage, all the people making sure that everything works perfectly. Plus, this is the first time Alex works officially for us.

You can’t imagine how happy Niall is.

Alex is finishing her major and with that, she is looking for a new job. Of course Niall made sure she would work with us, after all, she is a genius with technology and she beats everyone we’ve ever known. So now she has a job that she really likes –even before she officially gets her degree– and she can be with Niall when we’re on tour. It almost feels like the old times, when we met.

Ed, Moni, Mila, Belle, Phebs, Grimmy and even Kay are with us today. Kay is here because she really enjoys messing with Louis, and he loves to pretend she is not around. He really hates her but that only seems to amuse Kay. I really like her, she is really cheerful and carefree and she is the only one who is not afraid of telling Louis that what he is doing is just nonsense, that he should forget about it and move on.

Grimmy is here because he is the host of this event to raise money. As we are getting more engaged with charity, so is Radio BBC1.

“Are you excited?” Hannah asks next to me when we’re in the dressing room, just waiting to be called to go on stage.

“I’m always excited,” I reply wrapping one arm around her waist to bring her closer.

Near us Alex and Niall are eating everything that we have there. Lou is still working on Louis and Liam, Zayn and Mila are with Moni and Ed on tumblr, laughing at stupid things. Though sometimes the girls start sobbing in that very particular way they have when their feelings overpower them. It’s always fun to watch. Phebs and Belle are catching up with Kay, telling her all the things she needs to know. Despite Kay being very different from the rest of us, she fits in and she gets along with everyone.

“You’ll be great!” My girlfriend assures me as she gives me a light peck on the lips. I just love that she feels comfortable enough around the lads to do that. “And Savannah promised to come later, so everything will be fun!”

“That’s great. I thought she couldn’t make it,” I answer because of course I invited Hannah’s best friend to come with us today, but she said she had to finish her video for her YouTube channel.

“Yeah… just a little warning: you all may end up in her video. Just saying.” I just look at her until I understand her perfectly. So Savannah will actually work on her video, but she’ll do it here. Well, it’s good to know.

“Maybe she’ll get along with Kay. Grimmy told me she studied Art Direction and she’s looking for a good project for her thesis.” Hannah looks at the blonde girl who, without even covering it up, looks at Louis and laughs. Shamelessly. And Louis notices it and I see the hatred in his eyes. He really, really despises the blonde.

“We’ll see. By the way, will you come to my presentation this weekend? You know it’s Easter and Max and I are presenting.”

I wrap my other arm around her to bring her closer, making sure we’re face to face and her emerald eyes are everything I can see. And it’s when I look her in the eyes that I see how much she has changed since the day I met her. Back then she was so broken, her eyes were a pure reflection of sorrow and loneliness, but now they shine with happiness and excitement. She doesn’t look like there’s a dead part of her soul anymore, like all the pieces of her heart are on the floor; now she looks alive.

And I’m so proud of her.

“Of course I’m going. I just hope it won’t cause any trouble,” I answer and look at her worried.

They will perform in a school where there are many girls, so it’s highly probably that I will find many Directioners if I go see Hannah. I don’t want them to forget the real reason they are there because I show up.

“Maybe I’ll use a disguise,” I joke and she laughs.

“No need, you’ll be fine. You can always go with Paul if you’re worried,” she offers and it’s my turn to laugh.

“That’s not what worries me, I just don’t want to call attention and steal the spotlight, you know?” She still looks a tad bit confused. “You don’t want to be on a stage, you want to be in the classroom, so something like this is very special because you’re showing a whole crowd how much you can do. I don’t want your audience to miss that ‘cos I’m around.”

She remains in silence for a few seconds, processing what I’ve said and what I really mean and when she finally gets it, her smile is wide and precious.

“Sometimes you’re too sweet and I forget that I have just one job in this world.” I raise one eyebrow in questioning attitude. “I can’t let your ego grow bigger, but you’re so sweet.”

“You can’t help stating the truth, babe,” I joke and she giggles before standing on her tiptoes to peck my lips lightly.

“Arrogant bastard,” she mumbles and I can’t help smiling as I hug her tighter.

“And that’s my old Hannah.” I lean in and kiss her properly this time.

That until I hear someone coughing.

“Enough with the PDA. We have to go,” I hear Louis.

Normally, he was always so dramatic with the whole PDA thing. I still remember how he used to tease Alex and Niall for snogging, yelling at them for trying to make babies. But now he is so serious I can’t even say something back and I really feel like I should apologise, though I’m not really doing something wrong.

I step back and Hannah takes my hands, smiling encouragingly. “You’ll be great. I’ll be waiting for you backstage.”

Knowing that this time she is waiting for me when the gig is over, that she is watching me from backstage makes me feel like I have all I’ve ever wanted, like this couldn’t be more perfect because I finally have her with me. I’m not jealous anymore of what Niall and Zayn have, because I have the same kind of relationship too. I have nothing to be jealous of because I’m happy with Hannah and I’m just praying that nothing will ruing what we have. I hope no one will take her away from me. Not even me.

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Shout outs for @harrystyles_me, @ShariPerlstein, @MickeyJK, @MrsHoran345, @MaryAllyD, @NiallsEx and @michellethepenguin for their birthdays!

Bel, xx