Chapter 38 ~ Hannah 

Against all the odds, being with Harry is so easy. Natural. It’s like after stopping myself for so long, I can finally be free and express all that I have inside. When I’m with him, I don’t feel like I have to control myself and my reactions, no matter what I do, it’s going to be okay. If I hug him, he is happy and hugs me back. If I steal a kiss, he steals one from me. If I poke him, he attacks me later –good thing I’m not that ticklish. If I rest my head on his shoulder, he wraps his arm around me, keeping me closer. If I smile at him for no apparent reason, he smiles back.

It has been a few days since I let my walls down and we got together. I haven’t seen him much because he spends a lot of time in the studio, finishing the new album, so I use that time to study and practice for our performance with Max, that way when he has a little free time, I’m free as well. Dad and Savannah are really happy for me, and for my relationship with Harry, but the happiest is Sheila. When I told her, she cried. I’m not exaggerating, she grabbed me in her arms and cried.

“I knew he was the right lad. From the moment I saw him, I knew he could help you. I’m so happy for you, Hannah!” She told me that day when I gave her the news. I think she also cried that day because for the first time since Mum died, I hugged her back.

Valentine’s day is coming and Savannah has asked me if I’m going to give Harry something, but I feel it’s too soon, I’m not sure. Certainly, I lost practice in the art of giving presents to the boy you’re with. But I was playing with Hope the other day, thinking out loud when it came to me what I could give him for Valentine’s Day. Sadly, just the day before Valentine’s, he called me saying that during that day he is going to be extra busy, so I told him I’m busy too and I don’t have time so he won’t feel bad about it.

I tell myself it’s okay, Valentine’s day is nothing special, just a day like any other. I’ve spent many of those days alone, this is not big deal. But it is, because this year I’m with someone I really care about and just thinking that while everyone who is in a relationship is with that special someone, I’m alone studying.

That’s why I’m surprised when I hear the bell after dinner, when I’m about to shower and go to bed. Dad already said goodnight and went to sleep and I’m not expecting Savannah. With curiosity running in my veins, I go down the stairs and open the door just to find Harry smiling at me sheepishly. Surprise hits me, I was definitely not expecting him.

“Harry?” I ask quickly. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to ask you, even if the day is almost over… would you be my valentine, Hannah?” Harry asks with his lovely smile, his dimples showing off, and his curls in every direction due to the wind that is blowing. His nose is as red as his cheeks and I know he is freezing there. Then he takes a bouquet of roses from behind.

My mouth forms a perfect O in surprise, the fact that he is at my door is already incredible, but this? I don’t have words.

When I recover, I smile at him taking the roses as I say, “come in before you freeze to death, Harry Boy-band,” as I hold out my hand for him to take. He does, tangling our fingers together, his are cold but he seems to not mind, because he smiles back at me as we walk in.

Once he is inside, I close the door and being careful with the roses, I step closer kissing his lips softly. His smile is even wider when I pull back. “Should I take that as a yes?” He asks and I giggle.

“Definitely. Now come with me so we can put the roses in a vessel. Thank you for this, Harry. They are lovely,” I add sniffing the roses. I’ve never gotten roses before, and these are just perfect. “I thought you were busy today, I wasn’t expecting to see you. Not that I’m complaining or anything,” I say as we walk towards the kitchen, I’m still holding his hand and slowly his fingers are warming up.

“I had to see you, even for a few minutes. As soon as we were done in the studio, I came here. I really wanted to skip this day, but Zayn beat me to that. John said he needed, at least, four of us. He could give the day off to only one and Zayn won,” he explains tome and I look at him over my shoulder to give him a smile. “I really wanted to spend this day with you.”

I stop and so does Harry, looking at me expectantly. “You’re here now, right? That’s all that counts. Plus, I like surprises and this was a nice one,” I tell him so he won’t feel bad. His job is important, and I understand that. I won’t let his lack of free time bug me. “And talking about studio, do you think one day you can take me there? I’d love to see it,” I ask to change the topic as I resume my walking.

We’re finally in the kitchen and I let go of his hand to look for a vessel. I find one and after filling it with water, the roses are at the centre of the table, looking beautiful. Harry walks over to where I am and hugs me from behind.

“Of course. I can take you now if you want. It’s not that late and we won’t have problems getting in. It would be something special we could do. What do you say?”

I turn around in his arms until we’re face-to-face. Tomorrow is Saturday, so I don’t have to be home early or anything. Dad is already sleeping and I really want to be with Harry right now. Plus, it would be a great place to give him what I have for him. “Let me go for my coat,” I answer and his smile grows wider. But before I can actually go for my coat, he kisses me deeply yet tenderly. I kiss him back without hesitation, my arms wrap around his neck loosely already.

We break the kiss and I can finally go for my coat, so in no time we’re in his Range Rover heading to the studio. I’m really excited, I’ve never been to a studio before and I’m sure it’s incredible. Harry takes fortuitous glimpses of me, a smile always playing on his lips and as his car is automatic, he has my hand in his all the time. He drives carefully as it’s snowing, but still, we make it to the studio in no more than fifteen minutes.

As he predicted, we have no problems getting in, though the guards look at him confused for coming at this time. After all, everyone has gone home already, but Harry tells them that he forgot something. Soon, we’re walking down the halls and it feels like we’re on a secret mission or something. It’s thrilling.

Without letting go of my hand, Harry leads me to one of the recording rooms. The studio itself is huge and I can’t help looking at all the albums on the walls. So many other artists that have recorded here, it feels surreal to be here.

“This is the room where we record,” he tells me as he closes the door. It’s quite big, with a lot of carpets inside, the walls with this special texture to make the acoustic better, mics, headphones and loads of instruments behind the glass. At the other side there are all the panels with the controls and I wish I could guess how to use them. “Wanna try?”

I smile biting my lower lip, getting nervous. I nod as I feel my stomach full of butterflies. Harry smiles at me, happy with all this, as he gets comfortable. He takes his jacket off and he’s only in his plain shirt now. What I’ve prepared for him is not something you can buy or make, it’s only something you can show and I really hope he likes it. Maybe he’ll think it’s too cheesy, but he is Harry, he won’t tell me that.

Taking a deep breath, I walk inside the room, behind the glass and take a guitar. Harry has done so much for me all this time, he has helped me so much to feel alive again, to feel comfortable in my own skin again. Showing him how much he means to me is the least I can do.

He is concentrated on the controls and doesn’t notice when I stand behind the microphone and put the headphones on, hanging the guitar from my shoulder. He shows me his thumbs up to signal I can start and I take a new breath. It’s time to show him what I feel for him and the best way I can do it, is with music.

Oh, my stomach’s tied in knots
I’m afraid of what I’ll find if you want to talk tonight
Ooooh Ooooh
See the problem isn’t you, it’s me I know
I can tell, I’ve seen it time after time
And I’ll push you away (mmm)
I get so afraid, oh, no

The moment he starts to pay attention to the lyrics, his expression changes, his eyes widen but I don’t get discouraged, I keep singing.

And I can't live without you now
Whoa-oh-oh
I can’t even live with myself
Uh-uh-uh
And I can't live without you now
Whoa-oh-oh
And I don’t want nobody else

His smile is so precious in that moment, the way he looks at me through the crystal and that look makes my heart race, all the butterflies in my stomach going crazy inside.

I only have myself to blame
But do you think we can start again?
'Cause I can't live without you
 

All my stomach’s tied in knots
I’m afraid of what I’ll find if I see you with her tonight

Ooooh Ooooh

See the problem isn’t you, it’s me I know
I do this every single time
I’ll push you away (ooh)
I get so afraid, oh, no

As I keep singing, his smile only grows wider and my confidence keeps me singing. This is important and he realises that I mean this from the bottom of my heart, that all these words are true. I honestly can’t see my life like before, I couldn’t live with myself if I go back to what I was. He makes me feel like this, he makes me better and I need him. I want him with me.

I finish with the last chord, the note fading slowly around me. I keep eye contact with Harry, a smile on my lips as well, just waiting for what he will say about this. The way he looked at me during all this time can only mean he liked it, but still, I’m nervous.

He stands up and I take off my the headphones and the guitar just in time by when he gets in front of me, stopping just when a few centimetres divide our bodies. I feel my heart hammering in my chest and the way he is looking at me is like he is boring into my very soul.

“That… that song…” he mumbles and I chuckle lightly.

“Happy Valentine’s day?” I suggest and it’s his turn to laugh. “I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me, Harry. I know I pushed you away for a long time, and that I made things so hard for you and I was afraid, really afraid of what I feel for you. But I’m not afraid anymore,” I say out loud, though I know there’s still a part of me, a small part that is shaking from all this. A part that keeps whispering in my ear that we shouldn’t let him in, that it’s dangerous. That he can break our heart in a very different way, but I ignore that voice.

Harry has proved to me that he is here for me, that he really wants to be with me. He has been patient when nobody else has, he never left no matter how much I pushed him away. I trust him.

He doesn’t say anything, he just closes the distance between us, grabbing me in his arms as his lips crush against mine in a possessive and demanding kiss in which I give in, losing myself as I hold on to him with all I have. I trust him, I really trust him. No matter what that little voice in my head says.

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Shout out for @EvaOneDirection, @DirectionerMrsStyles, @OneDirection021, @freef4lling, @JBConfidential, @xxElleeen, @usafgurl, @Jey_elle and @CaitlinNoelaParker. Wow! So many birthdays!

Bel, xx