Chapter 36 ~ Hannah

When I close the door, my heart is still beating like an army marching through my chest and I can’t get rid of the silly grin on my lips. I can’t believe what I did, I can’t believe I’ve taken this step but I don’t regret it, not for a single second. I’m… I’m happy, I feel alive, I feel like a new Hannah, a whole and lighter Hannah, someone who can laugh and really mean it, someone who can say she is fine and it’s going to be true. And it’s all because of Harry, because I stopped fighting my own feelings for him and I accepted what we have.

When he told me that even if he had to leave, he would come back for me… when he looked me in the eyes, asking me to believe him and trust him, somehow I knew he was being a hundred per cent honest. He doesn’t want to leave and even if something takes him away from me, he’ll come back. I believe him now and I accepted I want to be with him. I let him in and I want him here with me.

I giggle as I remember the way he looked at me when I kissed him and then the way he reacted when I kissed him again. I really, really like him and finally giving in to these feelings I have for him is like taking a weight off of my shoulders.

“Hannah? Is that you?” Dad asks and that makes me come back from my daydream land. I shake my head to clear my mind before answering him.

“Yes, I’m back,” I shout back as I walk towards the kitchen, where I hear his voice coming from. “Sorry I went out without letting you know,” I add when I walk in and I see him making homemade tea. “That smells great.”

“I’ll make some for you too. Where were you?” He asks with a smile. “You look happy. I think I haven’t seen you smile like that in a long time.”

“I am happy, Dad. Very, very happy,” I tell him getting closer to wrap my arms around his waist.

He looks surprised but then he hugs me back quickly. “And what happened to make you this happy?” He inquires and I feel my cheeks burning. “Please, don’t tell me it’s a boy!”

I chuckle at the way he reacts and that makes him take me by the shoulders. “Relax, Dad. He is a nice guy, he is helping me a lot to get better.”

“Oh my God, you got a boyfriend. What should I do now? I need to meet him, I need to know his intentions with my little girl. I need to warn him that if he hurts you––”

“Daddy!” I cut him off and he blinks up at me a couple of times. “You don’t have to do that stuff. It’s fine, he is really a nice guy and I’m sure he would never be as stupid as to hurt me. Harry is a good lad, you’ll like him.”

Dad looks at me still confused and worried, which I find very funny. I guess he wasn’t expecting this to happen. “Is he the same lad who took you on a date?”

“He is the same lad that I’ve been going out a lot with lately,” I answer and he takes a deep breath.

“If you say he is a nice lad, I believe you. If you say that of him, if he makes you smile like this.” He stops for a second to smile at me. “Then he must be really trustworthy.”

I hug him back. I just feel like that, like hugging everyone. I’m just that happy.

* * *

“Why are you still here?” I ask my best friend while I play on the floor of my room with Hope. She is very awake today and she is in this hunter mood, attacking everything that moves.

“Because I want to hug Harry and tell him he is my hero. I still can’t believe you two got together! He did it!” Savannah squeals and I roll my eyes, but I feel my cheeks burning. “Remember when you met him? And when I told you that maybe he was what you wanted and needed? Yes, I was right… as usual. Let me tell you how awesome I am! Yeah, baby!” She sings jumping on my bed. Man, is she excited.

“You did and I denied it a lot, but that is part of the past. Plus, since when do you like to be a third wheel?” I ask her still playing with Hope.

“Oh, so instead of teaching him to play the piano you’re gonna snog all the time. Is that your plan, Hannah Morgan?” I gasp when I hear her, my head snapping in her direction. “IT IS! Oh my God, who are you and what did you do with my best friend?!” She dramatises and I have to look away, I feel like my cheeks will burst into fireworks.

I’m about to tell her to shut up. Okay, maybe I’m ready to yell at her to shut her mouth but the bell rings and she opens her eyes in excitement and sprints out of my room faster than it takes me to rise to my feet. By the time I get to the door, with Hope running behind me, Savannah is already hugging Harry and I see his flushed cheeks when he meets my eyes over my best friend’s shoulder.

“Hi,” he whispers still hugging Savannah and I feel –and I swear I’m not exaggerating– butterflies in my belly. Well, maybe they are something more ferocious, like thousands of kitties like Hope in that hunter mood attacking each other. Yes, that sounds terrifying.

“Hi,” I whisper back and Savannah jumps away from Harry and looks at me with a face that makes me wonder if she is all right. Maybe she is constipated.

“God, you’re so cute I can’t even!” And there goes her tumblr girl. “Ah, c’mon, Harry, go to your girl!” she encourages. “I’ll turn around if you want.”

Harry chuckles and walks over to where I’m standing, only stopping when a few inches separate our bodies. His emerald eyes are on me, that sweet smile on his lips with the dimples showing off. I feel my heart hammering in my chest and I bite my lower lip, gathering courage until I can take a step closer and stand on my tiptoes to kiss his lips softly. But he grabs my waist, pulls me closer and deepens the kiss. Not that I’m complaining or anything, I can say in all honesty that I love they way he kisses me and how I feel in his arms. Now that I’ve accepted that, it’s so easy to take notice of how my body reacts every time he is near.

“How are you?” He asks me when we break the kiss, his hand still on my waist keeping our bodies close.

“I’m fine. I was playing with Hope and trying to keep Savannah under control,” I answer and his smile grows wider.

“My God, you’re cuter than I thought. Okay, now I’m leaving before I get depressed because I’m single. Excuse me while I go and grab my stuff. Hope,” my best friend says when she walks past us and stops next to Hope that is cleaning her fur on the stairs. “I’m sorry you have to see this being so young. You better go to sleep.”

I laugh as she runs up stairs with Hope following her as she sees movement, leaving Harry and I alone on the first floor. I feel his hands moving on my back, the oppression of every fingerprint on a spot of my skin. I’m so aware of every spot where our bodies meet that I don’t think it is normal.

As an immediate response, my own hands sneak upwards his chest and I cross my arms loosely behind his neck, looking him in the eyes without losing my smile. I still can’t believe that we actually are like this, that I kept myself from this for so long, not knowing what I was missing. If I felt free and alive before I let all my walls down, now I feel like a completely new person, yet I still feel I’m the same. I don’t even know how this is possible.

“You know… I must confess I was kinda scared when I was on my way here,” Harry says pressing his forehead against mine, his fingers drawing random patterns on my back. “I thought that maybe you were going to shut the door in my face, denying everything that happened last night. I was even scared I dreamt it. How lame is that?”

As he says that I realise how big of a risk all this is for him. I can’t blame him, I would doubt myself too if I didn’t know how I feel right now, after all, my record says I’m the kind that denies what she feels and is afraid of caring about people again. I’ve always believed I was the one taking the biggest risk here, who had it the hardest, but it’s not like that. I only have to trust in someone who has proved to  me, over and over again, that he is here for me; whilst he has to trust someone who has shut everyone out for two years and that has only made things hard for him.

Between Harry and I, I’m the one who had it the easiest.

I feel terrible for making him go through all those doubts, questioning everything about me. I feel bad for the way I’ve acted all this time and now I know I have to make amends.  I have to repay him for his patience, for his help and for the way he makes me feel. I’m ready, this time I’m ready to care, to have feelings and to love again.

Ruffling his curls with my hands, I stand on my tiptoes and press my lips against his in a slow kiss, carefully tasting his, enjoying the way he kisses me back and how his breath mixes with mine, making my heart race and my stomach tie in knots.

As we break the kiss, my hands slide to his cheeks and I caress his skin with my thumbs.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper looking into his eyes, trying to make him see how much I mean those two words. “But even if I can’t believe this myself, I can tell you I can’t deny it because it makes me happy. Really happy and I don’t wanna deny it.”

His smile grows beautifully wider at my words, his dimples showing off as his eyes have a sparkle that warms my own heart. It’s a mix between pride and joy.

I peck his lips one more time, realising how much I like to do that, how free I feel to show him my affection. Maybe it’s because I repressed all this for so long, but now I feel like I constantly need to show him the way I feel for him. “Let’s go to the piano? I had things set up already,” I tell him and he nods without losing his smile.

As I pull back Harry makes sure to take hold of one of my hands and when we’re about to turn around and walk towards the living room where the piano is, I see Savannah on the stairs, looking at us with an expression that could only be described as happy. I meet her eyes, trying to read her thoughts and it doesn’t take me long to know she is happy for me, for finally opening myself to someone else. For letting myself care for someone else.

I smile at her and she nods before she puts herself together. “Well, I gotta go, lovebirds. Have a great time, be safe. I’ll see you around!” I don’t have time to answer as she runs out of my house and I still feel my cheeks burning for her joke, so I avoid Harry’s eyes for a few moments. My eyes are on the floor so I see the exact moment when Hope joins us.

“Hope!” Harry calls joyfully, kneeling on the floor to pet the little kitty. She starts purring immediately, rubbing her sides into Harry’s hands. “She looks so healthy and happy! She’s not skinny anymore.”

“She really likes to eat,” I answer and as he takes my kitty in his hands, his eyes meet mine with pride again. Maybe this time it’s because I’m taking care of Hope properly.

“She can join us, right?” Harry asks and I giggle as I nod, already expecting the moment she will fall asleep over the piano. She has done it before.

Together we walk into the living room and I guide Harry to the piano where I already have a few music sheets, from other songs and the one I’m working on. I’m ready to work.

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Shout out for the birthday girls @zoelaird, @onedirection5732 @Imperfectly_perfect2, @ozra_stylinson @Cassey_4223! So many people this weekend! Have a gread day.

Bel, xx