Chapter 23 ~ Harry

That night I can’t sleep and it’s because I can’t get Hannah’s image out of my mind. I see her broken heart in her eyes, the way she looked at me when all her walls were on the floor. She’s so afraid of losing someone, of feeling that pain all over again and a part of understands her perfectly, after all, we are all afraid of losing someone we love; but there’s another part that wants to yell at her to let that behind and move on. However, I know very well I can’t rush her on this. She already did a huge progress today with me, but she won’t overcome her fear from one day to another.

At least she has accepted my help this time.

I wish I could just take her in my arms and push away all her fears, put at ease all her worries and only make her smile. I wish I could vanish that sad look in her eyes, that emptiness that squeezes my heart painfully every time I stare into her eyes.

I’m not sure if the fact that it’s her mother’s death what changed her makes this even harder than what I expected or not. I must admit that many times it crossed my mind that something even worse had happened to her, I even thought that maybe someone had raped her. Now that I know exactly what changed her, what broke her like this… I’m not sure how to proceed. I only know that I need to teach her to care about people again but how does one do that exactly?

Like that, thinking of ways to help her, I’m restless the next day and it’s hard to focus during the day in the studio. The guys ask me what’s wrong, but I can’t exactly tell them. It’s like when I met Sheila. She told me it wasn’t her story to tell and now I can understand her. It’s not about Hannah’s mother’s death exactly, it’s about how she has taken that. I can’t share that with the boys, not even Mila and Moni who had already helped me to understand Hannah.

“You okay, Harreh?” Louis asks me when we’re done for today in the studio and we are free to go.

I sigh deeply, fighting to find the words to explain my situation. “I think. I just have many things in my mind.”

“And I bet all those things involve Hannah. Am I wrong?” He asks with a cheeky grin, her eyes sparkling mischievously.

“You’re absolutely correct. I just want to help her, you know? To show her so many things, to teach her it’s okay to care about people again,” I trail off looking at the ground again.

“You’re really falling hard for this girl, aren’t you? And I mean really hard. You’re completely on in all this, giving your hundred per cent.” I look at him for a second, smiling resigned. I won’t even bother to deny that because it would be foolish and futile. Everyone knows that I’m beyond liking Hannah already and since she asked me for help, our bond is stronger. I feel she needs me this time. Probably, I’m the first person she has let in since her mum died, she’s trusting in me and only thinking of that gives me great pleasure and makes me feel accomplished.

Hannah doesn’t care that I’m Harry Styles, or just Harry for what it matters. For her at the beginning I was just another person she didn’t want in her life, but I tore those walls down and now I’m more than just a random person in her life. Against her own wishes, I’m part of her life somehow but I’m still not satisfied because I want more. I don’t want her to only need me to help her, I want her to want me back, to miss me, to wish I was with her.

“I’m really falling for her. She’s so different, you know? So complex and intriguing. She really makes me work for her,” I confess to my best mate and he pats my shoulder.

“Then I wish you the best luck and I can’t wait to meet this girl who has put your world upside-down. She sure must be interesting,” he replies with an honest smile, no mischiefs this time.

“I hope you all can meet her soon,” I carry on knowing that know the possibilities of her accepting to meet my friends are higher.

After that, I decide that all what I can do is to push her little by little to live again. Taking her out, even if it’s just for a coffee. I need her to remember how it was before and how she still can do that. Yes, there’s the risk of losing someone, but that doesn’t meant it’s not worth it.

* * *

I call her for New Year’s. I know she wasn’t expecting my call because I can feel the surprise in her voice when she picks up the phone. “Harry?”

“Happy New Year!” I exclaim over the mobile phone getting away from all the people around me in this huge party I’m in. “May this year be the best of all!”

“Uh– thank you. For you too, Harry. Are you in a party?” She asks sweetly.

“Yes, with all the lads. We’re having fun. What about you? How is 2014 starting for you?”

“It’s okay. I’m with my Dad and Savannah’s family. Oh, she says hi and she’s making me say thank you for the tickets for Ed’s gig– Oi, you tell him that! I’m not your messenger!” I hear her say and I’m pretty sure that part isn’t meant to me.

“Hey Harry!” I hear immediately after and I know it’s Savannah this time. I just laugh, imagining what must have happened at the other end of this conversation. “Happy New Year! Thank you for the ticket and pass!” She adds quickly. Maybe Hannah is trying to get her phone back. “But most of all, thank you for helping her.”

“I’ll do my best,” I tell her hoping that will be enough.

“Thank you…” She barely whispers before another voice adds, “sorry for that, she just stole my phone.” And that’s Hannah again.

“It’s okay, I like Savannah. I’m glad you’re with her.” I stop not sure how to say what I have in mind. “I know you’re probably gonna say no but I have to ask: do you wanna come to this party? I can go and pick you up and Savannah is invited too, of course.”

“Uh– Thank you, but I rather spend this night with my dad. Maybe we can do something another day?” She adds insecurely and even though it’s a suggestion, it sounds like a question.

“That would be equally lovely. Do you wanna have lunch with me tomorrow?”

“Uh– sounds good,” she answers and it makes me so happy she is accepting without major hesitation.

“Brilliant. I’ll take somewhere you’ll love and we’ll have a great time. I’ll pick you up tomorrow then and now I’ll let you go back with your dad and Savannah.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow then, Harry. Happy New Year again, thanks for calling,” she says and I don’t want to hang up. I don’t really have anything else to say, but I want to keep talking to her.

“I’ll see you. Have fun,” I add reluctantly.

It’s her who hangs up and I sigh deeply, looking at the screen of my phone with the information of her contact, including the picture I took that day at the café.

“Hey, Harry!” Grimmy exclaims next to me, passing his arm around my shoulder. “Who where you talking to? Was that girl Hannah you fancy?” He asks next looking at me with a goofy grin whilst holding a glass in his other hand.

“Actually, I was talking to her indeed. I invited her to come but she’s with her family,” I answer and he pouts.

“Bummer. I wanted to meet her! You have to bring her one of these days. I mean, I need to know the girl that makes my friend keep rejecting all the girls that hit on him.” Grimmy elbows me playfully, matching with the grin on his lips.

“So you noticed, uh?” I muse and he laughs.

“Blimey, Harry. Everyone’s noticed it! All the single girls have tried to make a move on you but you just rejected them bluntly. You weren’t even subtle this time!”

I cringe. “Was I rude?” I ask concerned.

“Yeah, maybe a bit. But don’t worry, all those girls are wasted now so they won’t remember a thing. Now come and enjoy the party! The year is only started and we had an incredible 2013. We have reason to celebrate, mate!”

“You’re right! For an even better 2014!” I exclaim asking for a drink to the bartender. Grimmy cheers up excitedly. Clearly very tipsy already.

After that drink many more come though I try to control myself, considering that I’m going out with Hannah tomorrow, but it’s hard when everyone around is having fun and forgetting about everything and everyone, just going through the motion.

By when I wake up I’m not really sure how I got home and the bloody hangover is already killing me, but I’m still in time to pick up Hannah. I’ll just need a lot of pills and many bottles of water. Two coffees many.

As I dress up and get ready to go out and pick up Hannah, I turn on the telly just to check that everything is fine, that nothing weird happened in the party last night and that no silly rumours are spreading. I don’t remember one hundred per cent of the night, so I need to make sure.

I tune the first gossip show I find and they are not talking about the party or me, for which I sigh relieved, but then the hostess of the show changes body posture and the image next to her shows pictures of last night. There’s Niall and Alex leaving the party being all lovey-dovey with each other. Mila and Zayn clearly having fun drinking shots of tequilas –I don’t even know how they get those pictures from inside the club. Grimmy, Liam and Andy on some tables in an evident contest of bottom ups. There’s an awkward picture of Louis and Eleanor leaving the club and none of them look happy, which makes me wonder what happened. But my worry fades immediately when I see a picture of myself with two pretty blondes under my arms, laughing and talking very, very closely to each other’s faces.

I don’t even remember those girls!

“Oh, shit!” I cuss hoping Hannah won’t see this.

-:-:-:-

Dedication to @DjNikkiMalik for a belated birthday. I hope you had a wonderful day.

Bel, xx