Chapter 21 ~ Harry 

The moment I see her breaking into tears, all that rage burning inside of me fades away and I feel cold and like an idiot. I made her cry, it’s my fault, I was too harsh on her. And I can’t see her like this, the way her eyes, cheeks and nose turn red like her hair, how her lips tremble as her chest does. It’s heart breaking and it’s all my fault.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to yell,” I tell her stepping forwards, ready to see her step back but she doesn’t move, she only covers her face with her hands, crying even harder. “Please, Hannah– I’m sorry.” I’m not sure of what I’m doing, I just step even closer and wrap my arms around her, bringing her against my body and holding her tight. “Please, don’t cry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“No, I am sorry!” she cries against my chest, her hands grabbing the fabric of my jumper. “I’ve been so awful to you and you have done nothing but be nice and I’m just so sorry!” Says Hannah between sobs, my heart breaking into even more pieces.

“Even though, I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that,” I insist, still holding her in my arms and I don’t let myself get distracted with the fact that I am indeed hugging Hannah.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbles again and this time I don’t say anything, I just hug her tighter, rubbing her back, trying to give her some comfort while she keeps crying in my arms. Her whole body trembles with painful sobs and I grow desperate, not knowing what to do to make it better, to get a smile from her again.

Yes, I wanted her to show me emotions, but this is so hard to take. To see her this broken, crying with her face hidden in my chest only makes the lump in my throat get tighter and heavier.

“Come, you need to sit and calm down,” I tell her pulling away a few inches to see her eyes this time. Her always beautiful yet cold green eyes are bloodshot and they show so much pain it makes my whole body ache.

She doesn’t argue this time and lets me guide her to the lift and eventually to my flat. I always keep an arm around her shoulders whilst she keeps crying, silently now as I open the door and lead her inside my place. I know she doesn’t pay any attention, her eyes are locked on the floor while silent tears stream down her face, hurting me along the way.

I can’t stand seeing her like this, I can’t see her crying.

I make her take a seat on the sofa and I sit next to her, still rubbing her arm hoping it helps a little bit. “Fancy some tea? It’ll make you feel better,” I offer hopefully.

She looks at me for a second with her red eyes and so much pain written all over her face, but not only pain, regret is also there. “Okay,” whispers the ginger girl and I nod, rising to my feet, ready to go to the kitchen to make some tea, but before I take a step forward, she takes my hand and stops me. “Harry, I’m really sorry for how I’ve acted, but I have my reasons.”

“I’m sure you do and you can explain it to me later,” I say but I see her reluctance. “If you want, of course.”

Her smile is shaky and nervous, so I give her one from my own set, an encouraging one while I stroke the back of her hand with my thumb. Her hand feels so small and delicate in mine, soft and warm.

I spin around and leave for the kitchen, hurrying to make tea for her, hoping it will help her. I can’t believe today ended like this, with Hannah crying in my living room and with even shed tear, my heart breaks for her. What happened to her to leave her like this? What caused those scars in her soul that now she can only push me away? Now it seems even more imperative for me to know the truth.

I come back to the living room with two steamy mugs and my determination set to get her to open up. Maybe this is the time for her to tell me what happened, maybe now that her walls have stumbled down. She’s still crying, but her body doesn’t shake anymore, her tears fall slowly now and her knuckles are white from grabbing the cushion so tight. I hand her one mug and take a seat next to her again.

“You feeling a tad better?” I ask carefully, hoping she will reply instead of snapping at me.

“Yes. I’m sorry for that. I haven’t cried like this for so long and I just… I just lost it. I’m sorry,” Hannah apologises again and I shake my head dismissingly.

“It’s okay, we all lose it sometimes. Plus, I pushed you too much, I’m sorry. It’s just that…  I don’t want you to shut the door in my face when I know we can get along. Whatever the reason is, I do care about you and I really want to help you, Hannah.” I want to be there for you and hold you like I just did. Just for you, I add in my mind, not daring to go that far with her.

“You do really care. No one has insisted the way you have and with them I haven’t been as hard as I have been on you. I’m sorry. Again.” She smiles sadly, like she just remembered something funny yet melancholic at the same time. “My mum would’ve liked you.”

“Would’ve…?” I trail off realising the real meaning of that tense too late. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, Hannah. I didn’t know, I–”

“You couldn’t know, I never told you that. It happened a few years ago,” she explains and I feel so terrible for not knowing. No doubt why she never mentioned her mum before, only her dad. “I know if she were alive now, she would really like you.”

“I’m really sorry, Hannah. If you need to talk about it, I’m here, you know,” I offer though I don’t believe she will actually tell me something like that.

“It happened more than two years ago, during summer. I was out that day, I went to the iTunes festival with Savannah and then we went to a party to keep having fun. In those days I was the partying type, always hanging out with friends and having fun. Mum was a nurse, a great woman, so nice, caring, loving… She didn’t deserve what happened to her,” Hannah tells me and I can’t believe she’s telling me all this. I take her hand, the one that is stroking the side of the mug and I entwine our fingers together, giving her encouragement to carry on. “I said goodbye in the morning, wished her a good day and when I came back home, Dad told me there had been an accident and they couldn’t save Mum. She died there because a drunken driver couldn’t stop at the red light. Because of him I lost my mum, from one day to another, just like that and I wasn’t even with her! I was partying, getting drunk, oblivious to the world while my mum was dying on the street!”

Again, she starts crying heartbreakingly, her whole body shaking and I take her mug away before she spills it all over herself. Quickly, I pull her to my body and I hug her with all my strength while she holds on to me for dear life, crying like there’s no tomorrow.

“She just left. Gone. In a couple of minutes! I couldn’t say goodbye, I wasn’t ready to lose her!” She cries out against my chest and I wonder if she had ever done this before, screaming her pain for her mum’s lost.

I don’t say anything, I keep hugging her tightly, letting her rant.

“Why? Why to her? Savannah and I were drunk that night, driving, but nothing happened to us! But my mum died! And she wasn’t drunk, it wasn’t even her fault! Why, Harry? Explain it to me because for two years I’ve tried to find the fairness in all this but I can’t. I can’t!”

“Life isn’t fair. I wish I could tell you there’s a reason for this, that there is fairness in all this, but I can’t lie to you. I don’t understand why these kind of things happen to good people.” My whisper is low and I never stop rubbing her back, begging to give her at least a bit of comfort in this moment.

“She just left me, Harry. In a blink, she wasn’t with me anymore. How can I let people in if they can be gone so easily? How can I give them the chance to break me so quickly like my mum did? That’s why I push everyone away, because if I don’t have them in my life, I can’t lose them.”

Finally, after all this time, it makes sense. Finally I understand where her scars come from, why she is the way she is and it makes it even more difficult. It’s not only something awful that happened, it’s a loss that you can’t just put behind you. It’s not something you can forget, it’s not something you want to forget.

She’s afraid of losing someone like she lost her mum.

“But you can’t control everything,” I tell her, not sure how to address this situation.

“Everyone leaves, Harry. Sooner or later, all of them leave and some even do it on purpose. No one can stay forever and if I can’t stop them from leaving, I can at least prevent them from meaning something to me so the moment they leave, it won’t matter to me.”

“But that’s not living, Hannah.” She looks up, her eyes meeting mine and I see dark and heart-breaking emotions in her green irises. Her cheeks are wet, shiny small rivers crossing them. “You can’t just stop caring about people, that’s not something you can control.”

“I can always try,” she insists and I shake my head slightly.

“And being miserable along the way? That’s what you want? To be lonely all your life?” I inquire and she looks away, still sobbing. “I didn’t meet your mum, but I’m sure she wouldn’t have liked that for you, Hannah. No mum would like her daughter to be sad.”

“She must be so disappointed in me,” she mumbles and I take her face in my hands, making her look at me.

“No, I’m sure she’s only worried about you. Hannah, you can do something about it. You can try to open up and let people in. You’re not the only one that takes the risk of losing, the other person also may lose you but still, they want to be part of your life and you are not letting them. That’s not fair.”

As I stroke her wet cheeks with my thumbs, I see her eyes trembling with all the emotions and conflicts my words are bringing upon her, but she needs to realise that what she’s doing will not only hurt her, but everyone around her.

“We all can lose someone important to us every day, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it to have those people in your life. Family, friends… they are always worth having around.”

For a moment that seems to extend forever, she only looks at me, her lower lip trembling as her fragile body.

“How do I do that? How do I let people in again? My fear is just too overwhelming.”

I smile, a tentatively smile, a hopeful one. “I can help you, only if you let me help you, Hannah. Stop trying to push me away and let me help you.”

Again, for what seems like forever, she doesn’t say anything, she only looks me in the eyes until her lips finally part to let the words come out and those are the most beautiful words I’ve heard in my life. “Okay, Harry. Help me.”

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Dedication to @Chef_Becca because this Saturday was her birthday!

Bel, xx