Chapter 18 ~ Hannah

I can’t believe I just told him that, I opened myself to him and he actually understood! He respects my decision and he doesn’t push me anymore. It’s like he finally knows how to deal with me and it feels so… nice. The way he looks at me, his green eyes kind and impressed, looking at me in a new light and I feel warm, I don’t feel judged at all. I know he has never seen things how I see them, but he tries to understand that my dreams are not like his. I never thought he would be able to understand, I just took a chance and it worked.

I shouldn’t be here, though. I should be working and away from Harry, but I can’t. Even when I know what is better, I still accept his invitation, I still tell him what I think and explain things to him instead of just shutting him out. But I can’t help myself because now that he respects my space and I know he listens to me, I feel comfortable next to him. I feel alive, I feel like myself again, like I was when Mum was still alive. I feel like I can have fun again, like I can live my life again without any fear. I guess I’ve missed feeling like that. When Harry tells me his silly jokes and anecdotes, I feel like a weight is pulled off my shoulders and I can breathe again. Yes, I still have present that my mum left me, but when he’s around, that fact doesn’t stop me anymore and it’s so nice to feel like that. I guess that’s why I can’t say no to Harry when he asks me out again. Even if it’s for a little while, he makes me feel better.

But at the same time, feeling like this worries me because, what if I get used to this? What if I grow dependent of Harry? What if he grows on me and then he leaves? He’s an international popstar, known around the whole world. Anything can happen to him and if I let myself grow fond of him, then it will hurt like hell when he has to leave because no one can stay forever. No one.

“Hannah, you okay?” Harry asks when I don’t laugh at what he has just said. Honestly, I stopped paying attention and I have no idea of what his words were.

“Oh yeah, sorry, I was just thinking. What did you say?” He looks at me concerned and it still impresses me that he actually cares. He’s staring at me in the way Savannah and Dad tend to look at me and I still don’t understand why he feels like that. “Harry, may I ask you something?” I inquire out loud, curiosity killing me.

“Anything,” he answers quickly with a kind smile, his dimples showing off.

“Why do you come back? I mean, I’ve been terrible to you, yet you still come back and are nice to me and you– you seem to really care about me about I don’t understand why,” I blurt out before I chicken out and ask him another thing, something I don’t really need to know.

He looks at me for a few seconds, thinking of his answer, I guess, or just examining me. “Because of your eyes,” is his answer but it only confuses me more. I stare at him, disbelief written in my features and he chuckles, knowing he’s only confusing me. “Because when I look in your eyes I see loneliness, I see pain and so much sadness and I want to know why. I know something happened to you, there are scars in your soul and I know it’s too soon to ask you to trust me and tell me what happened, but I hope one day I won’t have to ask you to tell me, that you will want to share that with me. I want to help you, Hannah because I feel like I can help you. Don’t ask me why I feel this, because I don’t know, I just feel it.”

I can’t believe that with just looking into my eyes he saw my very soul and how damaged it is. He got to my heart and he knows it’s broken somehow, and he found out about this with just looking me in the eyes.

Suddenly, I feel exposed and more vulnerable than before because it was so easy for him to see into my soul and I don’t know how to react to this. Is everyone else capable of finding what he did? Am I that transparent or is it just Harry? I don’t want people knowing how broken I am, I don’t want people pitying me for what I’ve become.

“I don’t need your help,” I spat, tensed and ready to storm out of the little café.

“Maybe you don’t, but I want to help, regardless whether you accept it or not. It’s there and it’s your decision at the end, but I’m gonna be here, Hannah. I made that decision already. You like it or not, I care about you already.” His tone is matter-of-factly, there’s no room for argument. He’s not exactly forcing me to accept what he offers me, but he makes it very clear that it’s something I can’t stop, I can only reject.

“You’re a weirdo, did you know that?” I tell him and he laughs. An easy laugh with a kind of musical sounds that makes me want to laugh as well. It’s contagious.

“Normal is boring and overrated,” he replies with a shrug and I just smile. I guess he knows already that I’ll never throw compliments at him. Never. “Hey, may I ask you for a favour?” He says next and I raise one of my eyebrows questioningly. “I need to buy a new car and I need some guidance.”

“What do you want, Harry Boy-band?” I inquire and he looks at me confused.

“Boy-band?”

“Sorry, I just changed your surname. This fits you better,” I explain and for a second he is silent then he bursts out laughing like I just told the best joke ever. Again, weird bloke this one.

“I like it. Anyways, I just need your help to buy my next car. I would ask the boys but they know jack shit about cars. Moni is going to America and Mila is visiting her family and those two are the only ones that know about cars. I wouldn’t ask you this if I had someone else to help me, I don’t want to bother you or anything, but I really need help.”

I look at him blinking a couple of times trying to follow him. The first thing I catch is that he wants another car, as if he doesn’t have enough already. I guess I just forget how filthy rich this boy is. Then I realise that he’s asking me to go with him to buy a car, to help him which means to spend time with him, again, just the two of us.

“I don’t think you need my help. Just buy the one you like the most,” I tell him as nicely as I can, but he pouts, he literally pouts like a little kid.

“But every time I go they try to sell me the most expensive one, which is not always what I want or need. Please, I know you like cars and probably you’re more knowledgeable about the whole matter. Please!” He begs and he does this face again, the cupcake one with his hands under his chin and the head slightly cocked to one side. Yes, it’s a cute face and he looks adorable, but it doesn’t melt me nor will it get me to say yes. “Please!” He tries again batting his eyelashes quickly and with a bigger smile, his dimples deep and noticeable.

“You won’t stop until I say yes, will you?” He shakes his head, his smile still on his lips. “I figured.” I sigh.

A part of me wants to go with him, after all I do like cars –it runs in the family– and I understand that the car dealers may try to take advantage of him –they are like sharks–, but I don’t want to spend more time with him and give him the chance to grow on me. He’s dangerously charming and he’s learning more and more about me, which makes it difficult to push him away as he knows when to step back and when to step forward with me already.

“Okay,” I finally say sighing deeply already knowing it’s not a good idea. “But don’t think I will go with you every time you feel like buying a new car. Only this time,” I warn and his smile is so big and full of joy, even his eyes are sparkling with happiness, and I know he feels proud of himself and that he got me to agree to going with him.

“Great! We can go tomorrow if you’re not busy,” he suggests and I think for a moment.

“That’s fine with me. Before lunchtime so I can help in the garage in the afternoon,” is my proposal.

“Brilliant. Shall I pick you up?”

I think of that for a moment. I could go in my own car so I don’t have to spend time with him alone unless it’s strictly necessary, but what if he gets the new car immediately? He will need someone else to drive the older car. When there’s money, car dealers can be incredibly fast.

“I think it’s wise. Give me your phone,” I request and he does as I ask immediately. So I have his iPhone in my hands and I chuckle again when I see his friend Zayn’s picture with pink hair and a shocked expression.

I unlock the phone and go to contacts to add my number and address. Quickly. I hand his phone back and he looks at the screen, a smile spreading on his lips again when he sees my number.

“Wait, I need a picture,” he states and before I can process what he’s said, he snaps a picture of me.

“Oi! You’re supposed to warn people before taking a picture!” I protest trying to take his phone from his hands but he keeps putting it farther away from me.

“I like spontaneous pictures and you look beautiful,” he says still fighting me to keep his phone away from my hands. “Look!”

Harry shows me the picture and I do not look beautiful, I look surprised and confused and the light makes my freckles even more noticeable! I look hideous, my ginger hair seems like it’s glowing, ugh.

“It’s horrendous! Take it off, I don’t like it!”

“But I do like it and it’s my phone, so hum!” He sticks his tongue out at me like a five-year-old child and puts his phone back in his pocket, finally completely out of my reach. Damn boy! “And remember when you told Savannah I’m a stalker?” asks next the curly-haired boy and I nod. “Well, now it’s gonna be easier to stalk you!”

I look at him with shock written all over my face and he bursts out laughing again so loud he has to cover his mouth with his hands so he doesn’t call everyone’s attention.

“Joking, joking. I don’t want a restraining order,” he clarifies next.

“It’s not funny! You idiot, I thought you were being serious. Damn you!” He only laughs at me.

“Come on, admit it: you’d love to have me as a stalker.”

“Not even in my worst nightmares,” I reply and he fakes that I’ve hurt him again, which makes me giggle. “You really are an idiot,” I carry on and he shrugs.

“Yeah, I get that a lot. I’m used to. You need a new insult,” he tells me and now I laugh out loud.

“I take that as a challenge, Harry Boy-band.” At my threat, he only smiles, his expression saying ‘bring it on’. I smile as well, ignoring that my threat means I plan to spend more time with him just to find new insults.

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Dedication goes to @fairygodmalik because this Wednesday is her birthday! Have a lovely day.

Bel, xx