Chapter 15 ~ Harry 

I see her go and I groan in frustration. Sometimes she can be so difficult! I just want to help her but she doesn’t let me and she doesn’t even explain why to me. She just tells me she doesn’t want it, but why? Isn’t this everyone’s dream? To share your talent with the world? I don’t understand her and she doesn’t help me, she just shuts me out. Again!

“So she’s Hannah, huh?” Niall comments and I remember I’m here with him. I look at him and he has a very peculiar expression, a mix between amusement and curiosity. “She’s a special lass, isn’t she? And feisty.”

“She’s stubborn as fuck!” I protest throwing my hands in the air. “But did you see her? At the beginning it was good, she was surprised but she wasn’t trying to kill me and then, bam! Yelling at me again when she doesn’t even explain why she doesn’t want my help,” I carry on so frustrated I want to destroy something. “I mean, you remember when Mila told Zayn she didn’t want his help. She gave him a reason, she explained it to him but Hannah doesn’t! How am I supposed to understand if she doesn’t speak up? Tell me, Niall!” I cry out and he looks at me surprised.

“Woah, chill out, mate. You have one thing clear: she doesn’t wanna be famous. Now you need to find out why,” he instructs me as if I didn’t know that already.

“No shit, Sherlock,” I snap and Niall raises his eyebrows in surprise. “But it’s so hard to get something from her. You saw her! And I can’t think of why she wouldn’t like to get a record deal and share her talent. You heard her! She’s incredible.”

“She is,” the Irish boy agrees. “But she must have a reason. Maybe she doesn’t like the stage or the idea of fame, like Phebs, you know. She’s amazing, as well, but she doesn’t wanna be famous.”

That’s right. Phoebe sings wonderfully and we have asked her if she wants us to help her, but she always says the same. “Fame is not my thing. I like singing, but just like a hobbie. I don’t wanna make this my job.” But Hannah is even studying music. She wants to make music her career, why not as a singer? Why only as a teacher?

“Ugh, why does she have to be so difficult?” I ask out loud, not expecting an answer really.

“’Cos otherwise you wouldn’t be so into her. Relax, next time you’ll get her to explain why she doesn’t want your help. Try not to push her too much so she doesn’t go all defensive on you,” The blond boy advises me and I sigh deeply.

He’s right, if Hannah were easy to get, I wouldn’t be this intrigued and interested in her. Yeah, I would probably feel the same way, this strong attraction towards her, but I would probably ignore it and assume it is only physical attraction, but now I know there’s something else.

“So, did you pick a new guitar?” I ask him to change the subject and he smiles. I know that look: he’s not even near picking a guitar and I’m right because only an hour and a half later we leave the shop with Niall carrying one guitar and I carrying the other one.

* * *

We have been in America for two weeks and it has been great, a lot of work, but it’s always great. We love our fans, we love to perform and certainly we enjoy being One Direction. We always meet great people and make new friends, but we always miss home.

The moodiest during these weeks have been Niall and Zayn as they missed Mila and Alex’s birthdays again. Last year we were abroad as well and those girls, along with Moni, have their birthdays practically in a row. Alex and Mila say that it’s okay, they can celebrate when we come back but it’s not the same. Niall was really mad because we had to leave just the day before Alex’s birthday and no matter how much he begged, he couldn’t stay a day longer. We had to be in America on the seventh, Alex’s birthday. Zayn wanted to do something special for Mila on the day of her birthday, no one could talk to him. That’s the moodiest I’ve seen him.

But seeing them like that only made me think that I don’t have those kinds of problems. I don’t have to care about missing my girlfriend’s birthday if I’m abroad because I don’t have one. I don’t have to worry; I don’t have anyone to fight for to stay a day more in my country, just to spend one more day with her. And that’s lonely.

I guess I would like to have someone to miss, someone that is not my family. Someone special. I wish I’d have someone there, waiting for me impatiently. But I have no one. And I can’t help wondering when Hannah’s birthday is. I can’t stop myself from wishing she was the girl waiting for me in London, counting the days until I come back. But she doesn’t care about me and I bet she doesn’t even think of me like I do, because it’s funny how much I think of her. It’s like she doesn’t leave my mind but I bet I haven’t crossed hers since the day we met last.

“Ready to go back,” Liam asks me when we are at the airport in America.

I look at Zayn, Niall and Louis who are texting with big grins on their faces. They are the happiest about coming back because they know there will be someone special waiting for them at the airport, someone that means the world to them. But I won’t have anyone there.

“Yeah, I miss my mum,” I say and Liam laughs at me. It’s true, I miss my mum and I’m sure she’s missed me.

“Yeah, I can’t wait to see my family. We’re finally gonna spend some family time this year. It’s been hectic, hasn’t it?” The brunet boy asks me and I nod.

We haven’t stopped this year, we have always something new to do and we are working even harder on our third album, management always rushing us to finish it soon, but this time is taking longer as we are involved in all the songs. I know the girls wish we could have some good vacations, away from everything and everyone, but we can’t afford that. We’re One Direction, we live for our fans. We owe them the world and this is the least we can do for them.

We finally hear the call saying that we need to board our flight and, no kidding, Niall, Zayn and Louis literally running, as if with that they will get home sooner.

The flight goes as usual: endless.  By the time we get to the airport, all I want is my bed and to forget about the world, but I wake up when I hear the screams and I’m not talking about fans, I mean Alex, Mila and Eleanor that are there, waiting for their boyfriends. Soon, the lads forget about their stuff and run towards them as if they haven’t seen each other in months instead of two weeks. They hug each other so tightly I can see it and I have a sinking feeling in my chest because I look around but there’s no one else for us, not even Moni who is normally with Mila and always comes to greet us at the airport.

I can’t help it, and I’m green with jealousy, I want someone there for me, as well. I want someone running and screaming, too happy to see me again to care about the rest of the world. I want someone that would throw herself in my arms and give me a bone crushing hug. And I can’t help wishing it were Hannah. I wish I could see her ginger hair floating down her back as she runs towards my open arms. I wish I could see her smile and eyes shine of sheer happiness to see me again. I wish she would miss me.

As I see their reunion, it’s like a hole in my chest because I’ve never had that kind of reception, and they always have it. No matter the day, no matter the time, they are always here for them, even if they have an exam the next day.

They finally remember there’re more people around, including Liam and I and they greet us warmly. Alex is extra happy and hyper. “Harry! I’ve missed you so much, my favourite curly boy!” She exclaims and I look at Mila, looking for an explanation.

“Period,” is all she says and it makes sense now, but that makes the hole in my chest even deeper.

Even Alex whose period is so terrible is here for Niall. No matter how terrible it is for her and how many pills she needs to kill the pain, she’s there for him while I don’t have anyone who would make such a sacrifice for me.

“What about Moni?” I ask Mila when it’s my turn to hug her, though Zayn is near, ready to claim hold on the black-haired girl as soon as I release her.

“She’s with Ed before he has to go, you know,” she tells me and I smile. I’m happy for them, they really look good together and it’s obvious they love each other, but there’s still jealousy in me for what they have and I don’t.

Moni is with Ed before he has to go and she’s probably going to be there when he comes back, while I didn’t even say goodbye to Hannah before parting to America for two weeks. She doesn’t even know I’m back.

“You okay, Harry?” Mila asks me, concern all over her face.

She knows me well, she can read me so easily and she’s one of the first to notice when something is not right with me.

“I’m just tired,” I answer and I don’t mean only physically, I’m tired of the loneliness and unfairness. Everyone thinks I’m always with someone new, that I don’t lack of good company but they don’t know that a one night stand is not really company. When that ends you feel even emptier.

Mila looks me in the eyes and she knows, she knows there’s something more than what I’m saying, but she lets it go, conscious that I won’t say anything else here.

“If you need to talk, you know I’m always here,” she reminds me and I nod letting her go.

Zayn approaches and warps his arm around her waist, keeping her close and when she looks in his eyes I see the love, that tight and unique bond between them that makes them so strong and helps them overcome everything.

Niall is the same with Alex, when they look in each other’s eyes you can tell how much they love each other and that they would do anything for the other. With Louis and Eleanor it’s like that as well, it’s obvious how much they care about each other and how big their love is.

They are so lucky and I wish I could be as lucky as them, I wish someone– no, I wish Hannah would look at me like that. I want her to be here at the airport, waiting for me, telling me how much she missed me and how happy she is to have me back.

I don’t want to feel this lonely and empty anymore.

-:-:-:-

Dedication goes to @tammiejay because this means a lot to her and it's her birthday! Have a lovely day (: 

Bel, xx