Chapter 14 ~ Hannah

For some reason when I get home and I’m alone in my house, I feel emptier than before. I know this feeling, I’ve been feeling like this for so long, but tonight there’s something new, something different that hurts in my chest. I don’t know what it is, but it’s pressing my ribs against my chest and it’s hard to breathe. I feel empty but at the same time I feel like I’m drowning with all the things I have inside. I even feel dizzy, everything seems to be spinning around but I haven’t drunk a single glass.

What is happening?

I go upstairs and walk into my room and the first thing I see is Harry’s poster with five darts on his face. In that moment, the crushing sensation becomes stronger and my hand flies over my chest, as if holding my chest will make it go away. In my mind come the memories of this morning when I was alone with Harry, in peace, just having a good time. During those moments I felt like myself, like the old Hannah, the girl I was before Mum died but at the same time I still was the Hannah I am today.  When I was with him in the coffee shop I felt like I was free to feel happy.

Did I do wrong when I rejected him that way. I still can see the way he looked at me when I told him I didn’t want to be friends with him, I can remember the pain my words brought to him. But I don’t understand him, how can he care so much about me? Because he insists and insists, no matter what I say to him, he comes back trying to break down my walls. Why is Harry so persistent? I don’t think he’ll have a problem finding a girl who would love to be his friend. Why me? Why did my words hurt him?

I walk over to where the poster is hanging and take it off, sliding it so I don’t have to see his face and I put it away, but while I do that the crushing sensation becomes stronger than before and I just know it. I know it’s because of him. I feel bad, I feel confused and torn after what I did. I still can’t afford to grow fond of him, but maybe a part of me wants it, because I still think of him and the way he makes me feel, how easy he can make me laugh.

“Ugh!” I groan throwing myself to my bed and covering my face with my hands, trying to understand what is happening with me. “How I wish you were here, Mum. I know you’d know what to say,” I whisper with my hands still on my face and my chest hurting harder.

I know Mum would tell me what I did was wrong, that I shouldn’t have shut the door in Harry’s face and I should let myself feel again, but that’s because she wants the old Hannah back, the one who was fully alive. If instead of Harry, the guy involved were another, her answer would be the same. Mum wouldn’t consider that this is Harry Boy-band we were talking

I miss her so much.

* * *

I’m looking for a new guitar. Mine is old and she needs to retire already, we have been through a lot together and she deserves a rest. She’ll stay with me, but someone new will be with us as well and I hope to find this new member of our little family today.

There are so many guitars I want to cry, they are all so beautiful and the sound is just sublime. I try out several, playing different songs I love –mostly Ed Sheeran’s–, and some people have stopped to listen. I ignore them all, I can only feel the music and how my fingers strum the right chord, going through the strings so easily. In those moments, the guitar on my lap and I are one and that’s all I care about. The rest of the world disappears.

I’m playing a song when the hullaballoo starts and this times it reaches me. I stop playing Lovesick Fool by The Cab and look around, just to see some people inside the shop surrounding someone, all of them talking at the same time, some of them even crying.

What the fuck?

I stand up with the guitar –a beautiful black acoustic guitar– in my hand and try to look over, just out of curiosity. I notice that only girls are the ones gathered there and they seem young. Teenagers. I stand on my tiptoes just to take a better glimpse and I distinguish two people in the middle of the small yet loud crowd.

Finally, the employees have to help these two people in the middle and ask the girls nicely to step back. It’s then when I see him and my heart stops for a whole second. I never expected to see him here, I didn’t expect to see him ever again unless it was in the garage, but he’s here. Harry Boy-band is in the same music shop with a blond guy next to him looking somehow scared. It’s clear he’s looking for shelter in Harry.

As if he can feel my surprised gaze on him, Harry turns his head and his eyes find me almost immediately. At the beginning I see the surprise in his emerald orbs before his crocked smile appears on his lips, his dimples showing off.

The crowd –it’s not really a crowd, only like eight people– are still eating them alive with their eyes, following every movement and asking for a picture and autograph, among other things. Yes, those girls are fans and probably very lucky fans to be in the shop when one of the members of One Direction walks in. I wonder if the blond guy is also in the band. He looks kind of familiar.

“Hannah,” Harry greets me. He has approached and I didn’t even notice it. “I didn’t expect to find you here. How are you?” He asks still smiling. I can’t look away. “Oh, this is Niall, he’s in the band with me,” he introduces remembering the blond guy is with him too. And then I remember whim from the magazine I bought with Harry’s poster.

Yup, those girls are very lucky to bump into two members of the band.

“So you’re Hannah. It’s really nice to meet ya. Harry’s talked a lot about ya,” he says shaking my hand and I notice his accent is not exactly English. “Don’t worry, he only says nice things.”

“Nice to meet you, too,” I reply letting his hand go. I focus again on Harry. “I didn’t expect to see you here either. Do you normally come here?” I ask because this shop is one of my favourite places, but I’ve never seen Harry here before.

“Not really, but Niall likes it and he asked me to come with him as Alex couldn’t make it,” he explains and I nod. “Alex is his girlfriend,” he adds though I didn’t ask. I took a glimpse of Niall and I notice the way he smiles when Harry mentions this girl. That reminds me of the way my dad used to look at my mum when she was still alive.

“That’s a really nice guitar you have there. May I?” Niall asks and I remember the beautiful Gibson I have in my hands. I nod and Niall takes it from my hands, walks away and starts playing some tunes. Harry and I are still face-to-face.

“How are you?” He asks and his eyes are so sincere, I know he expects me to say the complete truth and he really cares about my answer. It’s not only politeness, it’s true concern and that confuses me. Why? I still don’t understand why he cares.

Last time I saw him was five days ago and every single day there was something that triggered a memory of him. Sometimes it was a car, sometimes it was someone else’s back, other times it was the smile of someone with dimples. Sometimes it was just a noise. Anyways, he came to my mind so easily as well as when I told him that we are only acquaintances I thought I wasn’t going to think more of him, that since everything was sorted out, he wasn’t going to pop up in my mind again.

I was mistaken.

“I’m fine, studying a lot for my finals. Tomorrow I start,” I tell him though I’m sure he doesn’t need to know that.

“Oh, I wish you the best. I’m sure you’ll pass everything,” he states and he sounds so sure and his smile is really encouraging. “Oh, by the way. The other day I saw Savannah’s videos,” Harry adds and I look at him with eyes wide open. “My friend Moni really loves her and she showed her to me. It was a surprise to see that it was the same Savannah I know.”

“Uh… I can imagine,” I say though I’m not really sure how else to reply.

“I also saw you singing. You didn’t tell me you could sing, Hannah. You’re truly amazing!” Harry carries on and my heart stops again. “You’re so talented. Moni asked me to tell you she loves you and that you’re absolutely amazing,” he trails off and I’m in shock, I can’t even move.

I never expected him finding out about the videos and for some reason I feel really exposed, like now that he has seen me –even if there are a handful of videos of me– singing, he can know more about me. I feel like he can see through all the layers I’ve put between the world and I.

“You need a record deal. You talent can’t go to waste.” I put myself together as soon as he utters those words.

I shake my head slightly like I’m just waking up from a daydream and I look at Harry with furrowed eyebrows. “I don’t want that,” I tell him plainly.

“What? But you’re incredible; the world needs to know how talented you are. You need to go beyond YouTube, Hannah,” Harry insists.

“I don’t want to be famous. I don’t want to release an album or something like that,” I try again but he still looks confused, his smile long gone now.

“But you’re amazing! Why wouldn’t you want to share your talent?”

I sigh deeply. I don’t want to go into much detail, but I don’t think he can understand. “I just don’t want that, Harry. Having a record deal is not the only way to share your talent and I don’t care about that. I have other plans.”

“But you’re keeping the rest of the world from knowing how great you are,” he tries again and I shut my eyes for a few seconds.

“Stop it, Harry. I don’t want that. I don’t want the kind of life you have, I don’t dream the way you do. I don’t want to be famous, I wanna be a teacher.”

“But it’s not about being famous. You could do so much more! You are so talented. You could start working with us, helping us with our new album, I dunno, a collaboration or something like that, and then opening for us until you can go on your own and–”

“No!” I exclaim raising my voice so he can’t continue. “I know what I want and it’s not that. If you can’t understand that, then there’s no point to this conversation.” Again, he just gets on my nerves so easily.

I’m annoyed that he doesn’t understand this. I’m mad that he insists even though I told him I don’t want that. I’m furious that I want to go to my room, take the poster and throw darts at it again.

“But Hannah!” He calls me and I shake my head.

“No,” I state roundly. “You don’t understand and I don’t have time to waste trying to explain this to you. I have more important things to do, like finals. Good bye.”

I don’t wait for an answer; I just walk past him forgetting all about the guitar I went there for. I’m angry, I’m annoyed and it’s only because of Harry Boy-band again.

-:-:-:-

Dedication goes to @Directioner122696 because today 26th is her birthday. Have a lovely day!

Bel, xx