Bespren! It's been a long time. I know you're a sucker for this kind of love story. Haha. Umiyak ka ha. 

--

Do you want a perfect love story?

Sabi sa isang TV series na napanuod ko, to have the perfect love story, you have to end it at the perfect moment. Yung tipong papunta pa lang kayo roon, nagsisimula pa lang, bago pa lang nagiging totoo ang lahat... tapusin mo na.

It is so you could have the perfect memory of each other. I guess they just failed to mention that it would have a huge side effect on you. The what ifs will kill you. What if I tried? What if I took the risk of loving and losing him?

I will forever wallow in those what ifs. I ended it just before it could start. They were right, it made it perfect. It didn't crumble. It didn't fall short. It didn't get ugly. It's almost like freezing the fireworks in the sky forever.

It reached its peak, but it didn't go through the downfall.

There's this one particular day of the month where things just get weird. Umagang-umaga galit ako. Wala akong ganang kumain. I feel like crying. I become reminiscent. And the reason would elude me at first.

Tapos tatanungin ko ang sarili ko kung ano ba ang meron sa araw na iyon. Bakit ba ako nagkakaganoon? And then it would dawn on me.

It's the eleventh of the month.

I'm like this every eleventh of the month. Wala akong sinasabihan tungkol dito. I kept it to myself for a long time and I have no plan on sharing it with anyone, especially with him.

He's the reason why I'm like this.

Sa ikalabing-isa kasi ng isang partikular na buwan ang birthday nya. Monthsary nila ng long-time girlfriend niya sa araw na 'yon kasi sinagot sya nito sa mismong birthday nya.

It's been six years since then. But until now there's still a part of me who reminisces every eleventh. Parang naging parte na iyon ng buhay ko. I'd get weird during that particular date and it can't be helped.

I did not intend for our love story to end the way it did. Back then, I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what to do with that peculiar feeling. Natatakot akong sumugal kasi baka madehado ako. I've had crushes before and I thought that it was just that. A crush.

Nang tumagal, kinumbinsi ko ang sarili ko na infatuation lang 'yon.

Second semester ng first year college nang magustuhan ko sya. He's nice and smart, quite good-looking too. Maraming nagkaka-crush sa kanya noon. Noong una, ayoko sa kanya. But this friend of mine kept on telling me stories about him.

Patay na patay kasi ito sa kanya. Alam ng buong klase iyon at palagi silang tinutukso pero wala lang iyon sa kanya. He doesn't feel a thing for her. Madalas umiyak sa akin ang kaibigan ko dahil doon. Noong una, naiirita ako pero noong tumagal, I found myself listening and hanging on to every word about him.

Hanggang sa unti-unti akong nahulog. And I was actually glad na hindi niya nagustuhan ang kaibigan ko. Truth be told, he's too good for her. But he's also too good for me. So hindi ako umasa. I was silently crushing on him, but every day was a battle with myself.

I didn't want to like him.

But the heart is an involuntary muscle. It doesn't listen. It does not stop when it needs to stop. Needless to say, I continued falling.

Second year college nang maging magkaibigan kami. Madalas kaming magkausap sa Facebook. Palagi syang naggu-good morning sa'kin tuwing umaga. Palagi niya akong sinusubukang kausapin sa klase. I caught him looking at me a few times. I tried not to read too much into it. Baka kasi ma-disappoint lang ako.

I convinced myself that he's just being friendly. Friendly naman kasi sya. But the thought of being just friends with him caused me depression. Nagsimula akong umiwas.

Masyado kasi akong insecure. Pakiramdam ko hindi niya ako magugustuhan. I wallow in self-pity. Iba yata ang naging dating sa kanya. Akala nya galit ako.

We stopped chatting on Facebook. Hindi na niya ako binabati tuwing umaga. He began distancing himself.

Hanggang sa maka-graduate kami on our ladderized course. Then the bomb dropped on me. Graduation namin nang malaman kong may girlfriend na sya. Kasasagot lang sa kanya a day before that, on the eleventh.

I was so devastated. Dinaig ko pa ang nakipag-break sa kanya. Sobrang sakit. I never cried like I did that night. Tumitigil lang ako sa pag-iyak para huminga. I tried to look back, figure out what went wrong (kahit alam ko na kung ano). When it became too painful, I opted for the alternative. I blocked him out.

Nag-desisyon akong idiretso ang course ko to four years. Kahit pa makakasama ko sya sa isang classroom for another two years. I told myself that I just have to get through it. I need to graduate with a bachelor's degree for my parents.

Pero tadhana na rin siguro ang nag-iwas sa akin sa kanya. Napalipat ako ng klase noong third year dahil na-late ako sa registration. Noong una nalungkot ako. But I took the opportunity to forget. Pinanghawakan ko yung motto na 'out of sight, out of mind'. Pero hindi naman ganoon kalaki ang department namin para hindi sya makita.

Todo iwas ako sa mga dati kong kaklase. Kapag alam kong nasa isang parte sila ng building, aayain ko ang mga bago kong kaibigan sa lugar na malayo roon. We ran into each other in some occasions, but I tried to act casual about it.

That time away from him became my breather. And for a while, I actually thought that I was able to move on. Pero bandang September, bumalik ulit lahat. Malapit na kasi ang birthday nya. Exactly a month away.

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. It's like opening an old scar with an old knife, hoping that it would heal faster that way. Ilang linggo rin akong depressed noon. I could not believe that I still wasn't able to move on.

But what baffled me the most was the realization that my 4-year crush in high school was nothing compared to what I felt for him. I realized that he was my first love. Iba kasi e. Sa kanya ko lang naranasan na kapag pumipikit ako, nakikita ko yung future naming dalawa.

I used to believe that we would end up together. And when that dream was shattered, naging magulo ang tingin ko sa hinaharap. Parang nawalan ng direksyon ang buhay ko. I didn't know that a person could have that huge impact on me.

But I considered myself lucky. Pa'no pa kaya kung naging kami tapos after a few years, saka kami naghiwalay? Hindi ba't mas masakit iyon dahil nakapag-invest na ako ng sangkaterbang feelings kung sakali?

Fourth year ako nang maramdaman kong unti-unti na rin sa wakas na nawawala yung feelings ko. Tinitigan ko ang pictures nya sa Facebook. Pinakiramdaman ko kung meron pa ba. Pero parang wala na. And I was finally happy.

Lumuwas ako ng Maynila para doon magtrabaho after graduation. And while working, I tried to look for something else. I tried to look for love. But every time I do, I always end up with him and how perfect we could have been.

Sabi kasi, you'll know when it's the one. When I met him, something clicked. He's the one. Every fiber in my being agreed. Pero ano naman ang magagawa ko kung ako lang ang nakakaramdam noon? I can't force him to be with me just because I believe that we're the perfect fit.

But moving on from him was impossible when I still see it all in my head.

Siguro nga dahil na-meet nya lahat ng gusto ko sa isang lalaki kaya ang hirap nang maghanap ng iba na papantay pa roon. I'm still waiting for my heart to feel something for someone.

I resigned from my job four years later and went back to my hometown. Sa dami ng alaalang pwede kong alalahanin, sya lang ang naiisip ko pagbalik ko. If home is where your heart is, then is my heart with him? I don't know and I don't want to know.

After six years, sila pa rin. At dahil sa kabi-kabila na ang nagpapakasal at nagkakaanak sa batch ko, natatakot baka isang araw ay magpakasal na rin sila.

Kakayanin ko kaya? Siguro. Hindi naman na kasi ganoon kalalim ang pagtingin ko sa kanya, kung meron pa mang natitira. Pero siguro hindi na mawawala yung panghihinayang. It sucks when you found the best but you can't have it.

"Chel, kelan mo kukunin yung yearbook mo?"

"H-Ha?" I wiped the single tear from my left eye. "Ano ulit?"

"Haynako, nagdi-daydream ka na naman ba?"

"Sorry. May ginagawa kasi ako," pagdadahilan ko. It's a good thing na sa phone lang kami magkausap kundi yari ako. Katakot-takot na tanong na naman ang aabutin ko kung sakali.

"Ano na? Free ako bukas. Okay ba sa'yo na bukas na tayo pumunta?"

"Sige," walang-gana kong sagot. Makikita ko kaya sya kung sakali? Alam ko namang malayo yung building na kukuhaan ko ng yearbook sa building na tinuturuan nya. Teacher na pala kasi sya. Nakita ko sa Facebook.

"Sabi mo ha. Kita na lang tayo sa main gate ng alas nwebe."

"Okay."

"Dalhin mo yung alumni ID mo."

I sighed. "Oo, sige."

It's been a while since I last saw him in person. I don't know what to expect. Alam kong hindi malabong magkita kami. Alam ko ring pwedeng hindi kami magkita. Pero madi-disappoint ako kapag hindi ko sya nakita kahit sa malayo man lang.

Kinabukasan, 8:30 pa lang ay nag-aantay na ako sa may main gate. Kabadong-kabado ako. Part of me wants to go home and hide. Pero mas malaki iyong parteng umaasang magkikita ulit kami. Last na 'to, sabi ko sa sarili ko.

Siguro ito lang yung kailangan ko. Closure. Marami namang klase ng closure e. Hindi porket hindi naging kayo e hindi mo na kakailanganin noon.

I just have to see him for the last time. Just to make sure na wala na talaga. Pakiramdam ko kasi, I was left hanging. Technically, walang natapos kasi wala namang nasimulan. Pero may something kasi dati. Even if it's just a sliver, it still became a huge part of my life. And I just want it out because there's this part of me that still wouldn't let go. It's like a little space in my heart that wouldn't empty so anyone else could take his place. That space was reserved for him. It was meant for him.

And if I could just assure my heart that there's no hope in hoping, then I could just force it to let go and move on.

"Rachel?"

It's funny how his voice seemed to have stopped the time. Everything became static. All I could hear was his voice echoing in my head.

"Hi, C-Chad."

"Long time, no see!" Tinapik nya ako sa balikat. Daig ko pa ang kinuryente.

"Oo nga e." I smiled and looked away, pretending to look for someone.

"May hinihintay ka ba?" tanong nya.

"Yung friend ko. Kukuha kami ng yearbook," sagot ko. I wish I slept in for another 10 minutes or so. Sana binagalan ko ang pagbibihis. Sana saktong alas nwebe akong dumating.

Pakiramdam ko ay nagmumukha akong tanga sa harap nya. I can't even look him in the eye.

"I see. Kumusta naman?"

"Okay lang. Ikaw?"

He smiled and it made my heart ache for some reason.

"Okay naman. Hindi pa rin napo-promote kaya maliit pa rin ang sweldo." Siniko nya ako ng mahina saka sya tumawa.

I let out a fake laugh.

"Nagtuturo ka pa rin pala," puna ko.

Information technology ang kinuha namin but he ended up teaching in our department.

"Oo e. Gusto ko sanang mag-abroad kaya lang ayaw ng girlfriend ko."

"Girlfriend? Yung dati pa rin?" tanong ko kahit alam ko na ang sagot.

Tumango siya. "Yep. Still going strong after six years." There's pride in his voice when he said that. It wasn't news to me. I always knew that he's the type of guy who can take good care of a relationship. "In fact, I'm thinking of asking her to marry me. Hindi ko pa alam kung kailan o kung paano, pero this year sana..."

My vision became blurry in an instant. He was still speaking but my thoughts were stuck to 'I'm asking her to marry me'. I couldn't get past that.

"Chel, are you okay?"

I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. I was telling myself to stop crying. Nasa main gate pa naman kami.

"S-Sorry. It's just that—"

Tumigil ako sa pagsasalita nang makita ang mukha nya. There was comprehension in his face. Na para bang kahit hindi ko sabihin, somehow alam nya na. I could not embarrass myself any further. Agad akong pumara ng jeep at sumakay.

"Chel!"

Narinig ko si Alice na tumawag. Saktong kakababa nya lang nang sumakay naman ako ng jeep. I looked outside the window. Nakatayo pa rin sa may gate si Chad.

Nagbalot ako ng kumot at pumikit. I tried to shut him out. But it's like his face was already etched in my head. Ngayon wala na akong mukhang maihaharap sa kanya kaya sana talaga hindi na kami magkita. This is my closure, I guess.

Mapapanatag na siguro ako dahil alam ko na sa wakas na wala naman talagang ni katiting na pag-asa. Mabuti na lang na hindi ko pinagbigyan ang sarili ko noon. Mabuti na lang napalayo ako. This is just the aftermath of all those things. Tomorrow, this will be in the past, like the rest of them.

My phone beeped suddenly. I assumed it was Alice. But when I opened the message, it was an unknown number.

Rachel, okay ka lang? Hiningi ko kay Alice yung number mo. It's Chad.

Another beep came.

Tungkol dun sa kanina, nagets ko na kung bakit ganun yung reaksyon mo. Kelan pa?

I didn't reply. I erased the messages. What's the point? He's already happy. Ayokong manggulo. Babae rin ako. Alam kong masasaktan ako kapag may nanghimasok sa relasyon ko.

He tried calling. I rejected it. Maya-maya ay may message sya ulit.

Nagulat ako. Hindi ko alam kung kelan pa. I'm sorry. Kung alam ko lang... Nung college ba? Kaya ka ba biglang umiwas?

I bit my lip as I start to cry again. I was itching to respond, to tell him everything, but I stopped myself from punching in the words.

Alam kong ayaw mo na akong kausapin but I hope that you will, at least, read this. I was hurt when you began avoiding me. Gustong-gusto kong mapalapit sa'yo noon. Tuwang-tuwa ako nung naging close tayo. Kas*

*i gusto kita dati. Nagparamdam ako sa'yo pero parang hindi pa man ako nagsasabi, nireject mo na ko. Siguro kundi dahil sa pag-iwas mo, hindi ko makikilala si Coleen. Can you believe that I used to think that we'd end up together?

I didn't know that an old wound could hurt me this bad.

I loved you, Rachel. In a way, I still do. But I also love Coleen more than my life. And I am already happy with her. Sana makita mo na rin yung taong para sa'yo. I'm sorry we both have to find out about each other's feelings this way.

Napahagulhol ako. Siguro kung sinabi ko sa kanya kung ano ang nararamdaman ko dati, sana sa akin sya magpo-propose ngayon. Akala ko naman kasi wala lang. I wish I've been more vocal about my feelings.

Ngayon wala na. Lipas na. I was already in his past, along with all those what if junks down the memory lane.

I guess my perfect love story is meant to end up this way. At least I knew that he loved me, even for a while. But moving on after that would be impossible for me. This will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Loving him was red. It will forever burn.