I sighed, taking out my large school sketchbook from its folder.

The coursework I was doing now was going to help determine my final grade for next year. So I needed to polish up some of my previous work.

I settled down at my desk, and opened up the sketchbook, looking at the first work I had done when I got here. I smiled as I looked through the "Identity" project that Beatrice and Aki had helped me complete.

The first page was a layered design of my name, with small pieces of newspapers, origami paper and sharpie designs that made up the letters, and outlined them with glitter. I turned to the next page, and saw the collage of Ghana images, and stared at them thoughtfully.

Some images were cut out photographs of some tourist sites in Ghana, and we had hand drawn and painted some of the traditional symbols like the Sankofa. Aki had also found quotes which had some famous Ghanaian sayings that I hadn't even heard before.

The images were laid out in a collage like design, and we had painted and used pastels for a sunset like effect in the background of it. It was actually really beautiful.

Even though I knew I was still very much connected to Ghana in the first year I arrived here, I had gradually decided to keep it behind me; after all, the memories of being there had been too painful to relive. It made my view of my own country end up so resentful- I hadn't noticed how much resent I had until today.

Suddenly, Jesse's words from earlier wafted into my mind.

"Some of us would kill to go back home".

Home.

I found myself tracing a finger over the outlines of the horizon in a beach image. It was then that I actually began to admire the true beauty of the scenery. My eyes travelled to the Independence Square image, with the two giant eagle statues at the top of the brick gate.

I had never seen these places before. Even though I'd lived in Ghana for most of my life, I never really got to witness the beauty of it. All I saw was the inside of Uncle's house, and the small neighbourhood which I had lived in. I shut my eyes.

I flinched as the beatings and the burns started to come back. I bit my lip, and rested my shoulders, replaying Miss Brielle's words in my mind:

When those flashbacks do come, don't deny them. They can't hurt you, and if you suppress them more you're just gathering pain inside of you. When you do feel yourself getting upset by them, don't challenge it and make it a war in your head. Just say to these negative emotions: You know what? You're part of me now. And I'm going to work with it. You're not going to bring my whole day down anymore".

I opened my eyes. Don't let it bring down your whole day anymore. I took a deep breath. I had gotten so worked up after Jesse had mentioned it, and did the exact opposite of what Miss Brielle told me to do.

Ghana was not my enemy. Uncle Philip's house was not all there was to it. There was so much more that I needed to learn about it.

Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to go back...

***************************

Four days since we last spoke to Beatrice. Two days until Christmas. It was painful not having her with us.

Me and Aki tried to keep distracted as we wrapped gifts together, but it wasn't much fun without Beatrice. Aki eventually decided to head home early, and I went over to Milk, Sugar and Cocoa. My addiction to hot chocolate was probably getting unhealthy, but it's Christmas, so I might as well treat myself.

Also, I had someone I needed to apologise to.

The usual gold and white themed cafe had transformed into a sparkling Christmas house, with red and gold fairy lights and stars dangling from the ceiling, and two Christmas trees on either side of the counter. The usually pristine cream coloured tables had been replaced by golden painted wooden ones, with glow up stars in the centre.

I looked around in awe, as Christmas songs played on the cafe radio.

I spotted Jesse standing by a table where a young girl around my age was sitting, and they seemed to be having some sort of argument, with the girl yelling at Jesse and Jesse seeming slightly annoyed but looked like he was trying to contain it.

It took me a moment to realise the girl was Alana. She had gone for a new look since the Christmas holidays, as her originally brown afro bun had been transformed to a copper coloured twisted braid style, making her look much older.

I went over to them hesitantly. I'd rarely spoken to Alana, except from a few awkward conversations in food and nutrition class. But I would often observe her with Jesse and her friends. I used to envy their confidence, as they never seemed to care what other people thought of them. They seemed to mingle with others so easily.

They seemed to have stopped their argument now, so I approached them with a shy smile, and Jesse looked over at me, and grinned back, while Alana narrowed her eyes at me.

"Hi. I'm sorry to interrupt," I said to them, "But I know both of you, so thought it would be okay to say hey"?

"Yeah, hi," Alana replied flatly.

"Heyoo. You're not interrupting anything...we were actually just finishing up here". Jesse gave Alana a swift glare before walking away from her table and closer to me.

"I, uh, owe you an apology". I said to Jesse, quietly, "The way I was to you last time was just rude".

"Actually I shouldn't have poked into your business," Jesse gave me a guilty smile, "I know I do that a lot to people, which is why they usually stay away from me like what you did. Looks like both of us just keep seeming to apologise to each other, though". He gave a nervous chuckle.

"You're right," I looked around at the cafe again, "You guys have done really well with the decorating. It looks amazing".

Jesse shrugged,"I guess it's alright. Not a fan of these new uniforms though".

I looked at his red T-shirt with gold letters of the cafe name embroidered on the breast pocket. He wore it with a pair of black jeans. "What's wrong with it? I think it's cool".

"Yeah, you would say that. I just feel like it looks...too feminine".

I chuckled and then cupped my hand over my mouth. "Sorry! I don't know why that was funny". I looked at him, and he had an embarrassed look on his face.

"Ignore me," I smiled, "Can I have the classic hot cup today"?

"Uh, sure". Still looking flustered, Jesse went over to the counter. I looked at Alana and waved, but she pretended not to see me.

Seeing as she was sitting at the table I always sat at, I thought it was about time to be a little more friendly with her. Maybe a little more friendly in general. "Can I sit here with you"?

She looked up at me from the book she was reading, with a cold look in her eyes and I took a few steps back, "S-sorry. I just think that since we have a few classes together, it might be nice to get to know each other before we leave. I've seen you around with your friends a few times".

Alana nodded reluctantly, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat in the chair opposite her. "I'm Jemimah by the way".

"I know," Alana replied, "We have classes together".

"Right, yeah, of course. Um..." I tried to figure out how to start a conversation. Alana kept her head in her book for a while, and so I shifted a little in my chair, and started scrolling through my phone, and decided to text Aki.

ME: Chocolate 🙂

TEDDY BEAR: Are u texting me to seem busy so u don't have to communicate with someone?

ME: How did u know?

TEDDY BEAR: Ur so predictable 😑

ME: I'm sitting with Alana

TEDDY BEAR: Alana Nyarko?

ME: Yeah

TEDDY BEAR: Damn. How'd you end up with her?

ME: I saw her at the cafe

TEDDY BEAR: Isn't she kinda scary

ME: IDK, she seems antisocial but not scary. I don't think she's as bad as people say🤷🏽‍♀️

AKI: Ok, well let me know how that goes. Also, have u changed my contact name back on ur phone yet?

ME: And why would I do that?

TEDDY IS BEAR TYPING...

I put my phone back in my pocket, taking a break from getting on my best friend's nerves. I leaned forward, and was about to say something just as Jesse came with my mug of hot chocolate and placed it on the table. "I always wondered if you two were siblings". I said to him.

"I'm the older one," Jesse pointed out, giving Alana a pointed look.

"Only by a year," Alana rolled her eyes.

"A year is still significant,"Jesse glared at his sister.

"So you're only seventeen"? I asked him and he nodded. "When I saw you the other day I thought you looked much older". Alana snickered and Jesse had an embarrassed look on his face again.

"No, I don't mean it in a bad way! I'm just saying that because of your height". I said quickly.

"Yeah, well, I get that a lot," Jesse scratched the back of his head.

"Nyarko! You're supposed to be waiting tables!"A man's voice yelled from behind us.

"Oh yeah. I forgot I'm still on duty. I'll catch you later, Jemimah". Jesse jogged off to another table.

"So you guys are Ghanaians, right"? I turned back to face Alana, and she nodded, "So am I".

She looked up, raising her eyebrows. "How come your surname isn't Ghanaian"?

"Oh. It's because my Dad's British. But my Mum's a complete Ghanaian. I...um... actually used to live there up until three years ago".

"Is that so"?

I nodded. "Have you been there"?

"No. I've been in England all my life, but I think it's a big deal to visit home".

I smiled, glad that I was finally making conversation. "Why do you think it's important"?

"Are you seriously asking me that"? her tone was getting annoyed, "Because that's where we come from. I may be living in England, but it's not my real home. And it never will be".

I blinked. "You're right...it isn't our real home. But I think there are some good things here," I looked outside of the window, "You don't get snow in Ghana".

Alana looked at me, and seemed uncomfortable for a moment, before sitting up in her chair. "So...what's it like there? Back home".

"Well, to be very honest...I didn't get to see much of it". I looked down at my hands, "I was mostly inside".

"Oh". She said.

I thought for a while. "We have the wet season and the dry season. The dry season is during the time we usually have winter and autumn here, and the wet season comes when we have summer," I felt glad, as she seemed to be more and more interested in what I was telling her, "When it's dry, it's realllyy hot. You just don't feel like doing anything all day. And when it's wet...well. It can really rain there. Especially around August. The rain is so heavy, and places get flooded and stuff very easily. It's kind of cool though. When it rains it's not always that cold, like it is here".

Alana seemed really intrigued by everything about Ghana, and so I found myself talking more and more with her about it. I hadn't realised how interesting Ghana sounded before I started speaking about it.

Reminding myself of the honey smells, the familiar noises of chickens and the people in the neighbourhood who I knew so well made me feel a longing I didn't know I had.

A longing to go back home.

"We all have a past-that's where our sense of identity comes from".