After that day, there was a sort of emptiness in my heart. Tears came on a daily basis for pretty much the entire week. Beatrice, Akito and Katie occasionally came in bringing me hot chocolate, sweets and hugs, but there was little they could say to me. They all just kept blaming themselves for what had happened, even though they had no reason to.

I hated that my friends were seeing me in this puff-eyed, snot-covered mess I was in right now. I had a headache from all that crying. I was making myself sick. But despite everything, I still read and reread some of my old text messages like an idiot, and couldn't stop looking at some of the pictures I'd taken on our date. I hated that the more hurt I felt, the more I seemed to fall in love with him. Even after everything that happened.

Another thing about this whole situation was that prom was only a handful of days away, and I was supposed to be excited, eager to try out a bunch of new beautiful dresses and shoes and ready to live out one of the most enjoyable days of my life. But how was I meant to enjoy anything to the fullest right now? What if I ruined it for everyone?

I had a plan. I had painted it all out in my head. Jesse would ask me to be his girlfriend, and together we could work out how to deal with his panic attacks. He'd learn more and more every day how much I cared about him, and these attacks wouldn't destroy anything between us. I'd remind him every day that we're all human, and nobody's perfect. We all came with our package of flaws, but that's what made us who we were. He'd be able to understand one day that he didn't need to see just one colour to know he was happy- he could see the beauty in all the colours of his life. 

It would've worked. We would've worked. Why did he have to be so afraid? 

All these questions were never ending, and continued to circulate in my mind. By the following Tuesday, I'd given myself a headache and decided to just sit in the living room with a bowl of chin chin and watch Netflix. 

I was halfway through The Edge Of Seventeen movie, when I heard the door open, and Beatrice came marching into the living room followed closely by Katie and Akito, and to my surprise, Mr Nkamura. I definetely didn't expect to be seeing him. I sat up, and greeted him, as he settled on the sofa opposite us. "How're you doing, Jem?" He asked, "I heard you'd been camping out at home all week."

"Look at this sad little babe." Beatrice shook her head in disapproval, and pulled my arm for me to sit up. I paused the movie and sat up reluctantly, as the others shifted into the spaces beside me. I looked up at Mr Nakamura, feeling slightly embarrassed that he'd come and seen me like this. 

"I just don't feel like going out right now." I explained to him. "Sorry. I know I look a mess right now."

He waved me off, the gentle smile still on his face. "No need to apologise. Look, I get it. When you've decided to set your heart on someone, you expect them to treat it with respect. And they should." He glanced at the others. "Could you guys give us a couple of minutes? Go harass the fridge or something."

"On it." Beatrice nodded, before leading the others into the kitchen. 

I crossed my legs on the sofa, and began fiddling with the buttons of my pyjamas. "You don't need to give me a pep talk. The others have tried it several times."

"The others are kids. Without much experience with this type of thing. I'm giving you a pep talk whether you like it or not." He leaned forward, clasping his hands together. "What is it exactly that's making you upset?"

"Everything." I muttered. "The fact that it only lasted for less than a day. The fact that we could've worked it out. I could've helped him."

"What do you mean by help him?"

"He was going through stuff. And I could've helped him get through it, because when people stick together, they can support each other." I explained.

"Well... you don't have to give the details, but it sounds to me that you put a burden on yourself to help people. There is only so much you can do, and if someone doesn't want your help, there isn't any way for you to give it."

I shook my head. "That doesn't help my situation at all."

"Maybe not right now. But that fact is something worth thinking about." Mr Nakamura said. I feel like his words are meant to sound harsh. But his voice is so gentle, and his manner is so calmed, that I'm not able to feel bitter about a fact that I'd otherwise feel bitter about. 

"Also, love is difficult to deal with, I know. No matter what age you are, or how many times you fall for different people, heartbreak is going to be hard. But sometimes you need that kind of experience, so that you're stronger for the next person you meet." He continued. "When you fall in love for the first time, sometimes you  will give you're all. So when it's over it hurts even more. But then the second time it happens, you'll probably be more cautious at first. Maybe you'll give pieces of yourself to that person, wait a while, then make your move. The more you learn how to navigate how much of your heart to give to someone at a certain time, it might be a little, just a little bit easier to handle the pain later, if that pain does come. It's all about trial and error. That's how we get through everything in life."

I stopped fiddling with my buttons, and had sat up straight, as I took in every word Mr Nakamura had said. Trial and error. That was how you could handle anything. "So are you saying this could be like part of the whole trial and error thing?"

"Of course. Romance is an experiment, and while you're a teenager, you've got decades, and entire lifetime to do this experiment. And even though it may feel like a big deal now, the person you love doesn't define your happiness. And one day, when you're all grown up, and an experienced love experimenter, you're gonna look back to this time, and just be happy that you had certain experiences." He stood up, and walked over to me,  before resting his hands on my shoulders. "You'll be fine, Jemimah. You've got people right now who love you to bits, and are the people you need to focus on supporting and being there for, as well as letting them be there for you. Some of that love is in the kitchen over there. Some of it's in Ghana. Some of it's maybe at school. Some of it's in this room with you. So just try and live with that love for now, alright? You'll be okay." 

He patted my shoulders again, and stepped back, fishing around in his pocket. He took out his wallet and brought out a wad of cash, before placing it in my hands. "From me and your Dad. Go buy yourself something nice for prom." He smiled again, before heading to the kitchen. "I'm sure the others want to take you out as well. Go have fun with your friends."

I stayed on the sofa, the words sinking into my mind, and I realised there's a faint smile that was trying to force its way across my lips. It won in the end. I couldn't hide the fact that Mr Nakamura's words had already made my day.

I walked into the kitchen a few minutes later, and Beatrice and Katie were chatting away at the table while Aki sat with his phone. They all looked up at me as soon as I came in. I smiled. "You guys wanted to go out?" I asked.

Beatrice jumped up from her chair. "Prom shopping! Prom's in a week. We need to get dresses!" 

"Right," I nod, my grin getting bigger, "I'll go shower and get changed. We can go in twenty."

"That's our girl!" Beatrice whooped with excitement. Aki hopped off of his chair and walked over to me. 

"You feeling a bit better now?" He asked, searching my eyes, maybe for any pain or misery. 

"You got him to come here for that pep talk, didn't you." I snorted. Aki smiled, and shrugged. "Yeah. I feel a bit better."

*****************************************************************************

It felt so refreshing, and almost freeing to get out of the house. Going to the mall with my friends was the most fun I'd had in a week, and despite the various thoughts that still seeped into my mind about Jesse, watching the people I loved most having the time of their lives messing about in public was probably the best therapy I could've ever asked for.

Beatrice said she already had a dress for prom, something her grandmother made for her. So it was just me, Aki and Katie who needed some new outfits. Katie was the first to find herself a sky blue women's suit, with a pair of smart flared trousers. I never would've guessed she would be into suits, but as soon as she came out the dressing room, flaunting the whole look like a Queen, we all knew it was the one. 

Aki was the one who found me a dress, a few hours later into the shopping. A pale yellow dress with small white butterflies and flowers trickling down from the bust onto the flared out skirt part of the dress. It didn't have glitter on it, but it seemed to shimmer with a nice glow as Aki held it up for me. It was perfect. 

"Let's get it." I said, after looking at the price. It would probably use up all the money I'd carried with me, including the part I wanted to save for shoes, accessories and lunch but I didn't care. I just knew it was the one.