Jesse ghosted me.

After I told the others everything, they told me I should call him straight away to ask directly what the problem was. He didn't pick up on the first call. I figured he was just busy walking home. But he didn't pick up later that evening either. Or the next day.

He wasn't home when I went to the Nyarko house. Alana said he went out, and she'd tell him to call me. And he was taking a break from work. The entire day went by, without an answer to a call or text message. I'd never been so devastated in my life.

"He is a stupid, insensitive, indecisive human." Beatrice said angrily, as she painted my fingers for me. Both she and Katie had taken to the pampering idea, attempting to make a happy and uplifting girls' time for us in Katie's room, as we tried to figure out all the possible reasons why Jesse wouldn't text me back. I was barely listening to them though. All I could think about was his face before he left. That scared, uncertain manner. He didn't want to be with me. That was my solution.

"You know, he might have had a good reason." Katie pointed out, adding gems to the fingers on my other hand. "He's a nice guy, right? He wouldn't do that out of spite."

"But he was already hesitating before we even kissed properly," I muttered, "What if he only did it because he felt bad for me?"

"That wouldn't make sense, since he literally said he liked you first. And he asked you on a date!" Beatrice yelled. "How dare he go all bipolar on you like that."

And then it occurred to me. What if he was having a panic attack? Did he just need some time away from me while he recovered? That would make sense. Maybe this wasn't as bad as we all thought it was. Maybe-

"Guys," Aki knocked on Katie's bedroom door, before popping his head round the side, "guess who's outside..."

We all exchanged glances, before looking back at him. And then my heart seemed to skip a beat. I leapt up, and speed-walked down the stairs, the others hot on my heels. He had come to explain himself. He better have a good reason. It better be what I thought it was.

The door was already open when I got to it, and there he was, in a typical large black hoodie and jeans, despite the weather. His eyes were tinted with red, and he looked like he hadn't slept at all. His gorgeous, full lips, the ones that had warmed me up so much, was set in a hard, stern line, and he looked to the ground when I approached him. There it was again. Avoiding eye contact. Hanging his head in what? Guilt? Nervousness?

"Jemimah..." He said, quietly, his feet shifting from side to side. "I'm so sorry."

I leaned against the side of the doorframe, my heart already melting inside me. I knew it wasn't anything bad. I knew Jesse by now. "It's alright. You told me beforehand about the attacks. I told you I'm fine with it. But next time, please just text me to let me know you're recovering. I was so worried about you."

Jesse finally looked up at me, and he let out a sad, and defeated sort of sigh. I leaned over and wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his unnecessarily warm hoodie, and waves of relief washed all over my body. "It's too hot out here. Why are you even wearing this?" I chuckled quietly.

But Jesse didn't hug me back.

"I didn't come here to tell you I had a panic attack," Jesse said, and I could hear the light tremble in his voice, which told me he had probably recently been crying, "I came here to tell you that I'm just so sorry. Because I really don't think this is gonna work."

I stiffen against him for a moment, before pulling away. Suddenly, my heart wasn't fluttering from love now, but from worry and increasing dread. "What? What about everything I told you."

"I'm not ready. We can't do this." Jesse shook his head. "Please try to understand. You're in a good place. I'm not. It won't work out, trust me."

I took both his hands in mine, and kissed them. "You're just scared. I understand you."

"You don't."

"Then talk to me. Tell me everything."

"I can't. I'll just drag you back down with me."

"Do you hear yourself?" I let go of his hands, clenching my jaw, and trying to force back tears. "You're not even trying with us. You're not evening trying."

Jesse blinked a few times. "I told you it would mess things up."

"No. You're making it mess things up. Your fear of panic is more effective than the panicking itself. You have a choice not to let it control you."

"You just don't get it." Jesse shook his head again. "I'm sorry, but as you can see... us? It can't happen."

"Hey." Aki came up from behind me and grabbed Jesse's hoodie, pulling him against his chest, so that their faces almost touched. "I told you... I warned you to treat her with respect..."

"And I tried to. You have to believe me, I really did." Jesse didn't move from Aki's grasp. "But I can't ignore reality."

"How dare you." Aki whispered, his coffee brown eyes turning hard and cold. "You-"

"Akito, stop it." I demanded, pulling him away."You don't need to do that."

He looked at me, his eyes softening, his fist loosening, and he nodded slowly. I turned back to Jesse. "You hesitated before. Why did you kiss me like that afterwards?" I asked him, trying to make sure my voice didn't waver. 

"Because it's been something I've been wanting to do for a long time... and..." He lowered his head again, "and I knew I couldn't walk away without giving that to you."

I felt the tears stinging my eyes, but I tried my best to blink them back. "So it was a goodbye, then?" I didn't want it to be true. As soon as those words left my mouth, I felt like I'd clarified it somehow. But to my dismay, Jesse nodded. And now the streams began to fall down my cheeks. "Then... why didn't you tell me?"

"I tried to," Jesse protested, "but the look in your eyes. The pleading of your voice. I couldn't stop myself from giving in. I'm sorry, Jemimah."

I leaned against Aki. And then I could feel a sensation of weakness in my chest. Not the weakness from too much love. The weakness from being held down so heavily, by the reality that what I thought was my world, actually didn't exist. I turned away. I felt Aki's hand on my shoulder.

"You need to leave." Beatrice stepped forward. She and Katie had been sitting on the stairs, watching how things were going to unfold before making the decision to speak up. I'd never heard such a coldness in Beatrice's voice before.

"You're right. I should go." Jesse murmured. I was still turning away from the door, so I didn't know whatever his face looked like right now. "I thought I was ready for the one colour," he said to me, "but I realised it's not time yet. That colour palette is a mix of shades and tones all around me. I'm not capable of seeing just one, yet."

That was the last thing he said to me, before I heard his footsteps fading away. It was only once the door shut, that I turned back and faced everyone. They were all looking at me solemnly, probably trying to think about what to do next. No amount of nail varnish or pampering would help me with this one.

And so they just did what we always seemed to do when things just got so difficult. They gave me a group hug. And in the centre of them, between their arms, their warmth and their love, I cried out loud, and let the tears flow without holding anything back.

Things have been going so well lately. People have been struggling, but we've managed to get through things. My life was full of people who were hurt. But hurt people were supposed to stick together, right? They were meant to help each other... right? I thought things could be solved with open conversations, and embracing the comfort of the people around you. But I couldn't seem to reach Jesse. I couldn't find out his whole story, and I couldn't help him. Maybe I'd never know how hurt he truly was, because he had chosen that I wasn't the person he wanted to open up to. I wasn't the person he could embrace the comfort of.

But all we had, all we could have had... why did he let it slip away so easily? Why did he let it end before it could barely start?

So many questions about the unfairness of it all kept circling my head, and I didn't know what to do about them.