Warning:

No insult is intended by my criticisms of the author or the plot. These comments are meant solely to help improve your story. If you ever feel the need to clarify or discuss further, feel free to comment your thoughts. My goal is simply to provide constructive feedback and point out areas for improvement, based on my perspective.

The Missing Link
By: LORAINEJD

I

read Chapter 1, and overall, it’s okay! The story becomes more interesting as I read further. However, the opening didn’t catch my attention as much as it could have. Since I’m here to give feedback, my main suggestion is to make the first part more impactful.

Try starting with an intense scene or a strong line to hook the reader. Something like:

"Help!"

The scream tore through the quiet dusk like a blade, shattering the stillness of Nueva Aurora.

A girl was running down the old country road, barefoot and wild-eyed. Her white blouse was soaked with blood—hers or someone else’s, it was hard to tell. The sun dipped lower, its last light clinging to the edges of the sky as if afraid to let the night take over.

"Please! Somebody!" Carmela dela Cruz’s voice cracked, raw from terror. She stumbled, knees scraping the gravel, but forced herself up, her legs trembling beneath her.

Behind her, the wind carried a sound—a low, guttural growl.

She didn't dare look back. She couldn’t.

For chapter 1, yung unang part lang

Strengths:

Descriptive and atmospheric, setting a vivid scene of the countryside and Carmela’s distress.

Slow-building suspense that immerses the reader.

Weaknesses:

Pacing is slow at the start, which can lose the reader’s attention.

The suspense takes a while to escalate, with some repetitive phrases that dilute the intensity.

Rating:
Original: 6.5/10 – Strong in imagery and tone, but the pacing and action could be stronger.

Story Critique: "Second and Third Victims"

✨Pacing and Interest

Observation: The story takes time introducing Gabriella and Yolanda with details about their work and routines. This makes the start feel slow and might lose the reader’s interest.

Suggestion: Start with action or something unusual to grab attention. Add the background details later during or after the intense scene. For example:

Instead of: "Gabriella Santos, a restaurant waitress, finished her shift and stepped out into the bustling street."

Try: "The bus doors hissed open, and Gabriella stepped out, balancing her bags as the crowd pushed past. The sky was getting darker. She felt like someone was watching her."

✨ Character Emotions and Reactions

Observation: The story gives good background on the characters, but the emotions during the tense moments could feel stronger.

Suggestion: Show what they feel in small actions—like shaking hands, fast breathing, or how their thoughts become messy during fear. For example:

Instead of: "Gabriella screamed as she was pulled into the alley."

Try: "Gabriella’s scream stuck in her throat as strong hands dragged her. She kicked, her mind racing: ‘No, no, no—this isn’t happening!’"

✨Description of the Setting

Observation: The story describes the places like the street and the workplace well, but it can be even scarier by focusing on small, strange details.

Suggestion: Add descriptions that make the reader feel uneasy, like unusual sounds or flickering lights. For example:

For Gabriella: "The streetlight above her buzzed loudly, its dim glow flickering as if about to die."

For Yolanda: "The empty hallway echoed each step she took, even though she felt like someone else was there."

✨Dialogue During Tense Moments

Observation: The conversations sometimes feel too proper or calm, which doesn’t match how scared people would talk in those moments.

Suggestion: Make the dialogue shorter and more urgent, like how people sound when they’re panicked. For example:

Instead of: "Miss, what happened? Are you hurt?"

Try: "Hey! Are you okay? What—what happened?"

✨Action Scenes

Observation: The parts where the attack happens could be made more exciting by describing what’s happening step by step. Some parts feel like they’re being "told" instead of "shown."

Suggestion: Use shorter sentences and active words to make it feel faster and scarier. For example:

Instead of: "The figure lunged at Gabriella and grabbed her."

Try: "A shadow shot forward. Before she could scream, hands grabbed her mouth and dragged her back."

Overall Thoughts and Rating for chapter 1:

Strengths: The story has good details about the characters' daily lives, making them feel real. It also builds curiosity by showing different victims, making the mystery bigger.

Needs Improvement: The start could be more engaging by jumping into the action right away. Adding stronger emotions and sharper descriptions will make the scenes more thrilling and emotional.

Rating: 7/10 – It’s a good story with potential to become more intense and gripping. With a few changes, it can easily become a 9/10.

Chapter 2 Feedback:

I won’t say much about Chapter 2 because it’s just right—it serves well as an introduction to the characters. I really like Zane’s character! He gives off this soft, approachable vibe, while the female lead is clearly portrayed as intelligent and strong-willed. Their personalities complement each other, which makes their interactions interesting.

Writing Style:

Your writing style is good! You handle third-person point of view effectively and know how to describe actions, places, and emotions in a way that helps readers visualize the scenes.

Chapter 3 Feedback:

Lorraine’s character really caught my curiosity, just like Zane’s. You’ve succeeded in making her both mysterious and brilliant, which fits perfectly in a detective story. It’s a familiar trope—the genius but enigmatic character—but you executed it well.

One thing I noticed is that your story keeps me curious and wanting to know more, which is a great sign! However, I suggest looking at Chapter 1 again. Since you don’t have a prologue, the beginning should really hook the reader immediately—it needs to be as gripping as possible.

Chapter 4 and 5 Feedback:

I don’t have much to comment here because these chapters definitely kept me curious! The pacing is good, and the revelations are timed well enough to keep the story moving forward.

Suggestions for Improvement:

✨ Impact of Each Chapter:
While your writing is good, one thing that can be improved is the emotional and suspenseful impact at the end of each chapter. Stronger cliffhangers will make readers eager to move to the next part.

✨Opening Hook:
The first part of Chapter 1 really needs to be more exciting and suspenseful to pull the reader in right away. Since there’s no prologue, the story’s first few lines need to create tension or mystery immediately.

✨Consistency of Tone:
You’re great at descriptions, but balancing these with shorter, more suspenseful sentences during action-heavy scenes will help the pace. You can slow things down for emotional depth but make things snappy when danger or tension arises.

Overall Thoughts:

You’re doing a great job so far! Your descriptions, plot, and character dynamics are engaging. The mystery you’re building is interesting, and I’m invested enough to keep reading past Chapter 5! With a few tweaks to the first chapter and some impactful cliffhangers, your story will become even more addictive.

I’ll continue reading and critique the rest as I go! Keep up the good work, lovey!

Book cover—
Rating: 3/5

Comments:

The red and black contrast creates a dramatic feel, but the background is too busy and distracts from the title and characters.

The concept is good, but it feels cluttered, which affects the overall impact.

The title font is sharp and fits the thriller vibe, but the layout could be improved to make it look cleaner and more professional.

For a more catchy design, simplifying the background and refining the character focus can help grab the reader's attention right away.

Synosis:

Rating: 3.5/5
Comments:

Strengths:

The premise is intriguing- there's a strong hook with the mysterious murders and missing hearts.

The connection between Lorraine and Zane adds an interesting dynamic, especially since their partnership is tested by danger and secrets.

The mention of a "sinister presence lurking" builds suspense and hints at deeper conflict, which is great for drawing in readers.

Areas for Improvement:

The opening sentence is a bit long and could be more direct to immediately pull the reader in.

There's some repetition in explaining how baffled the police are and the mystery behind the murders. Streamlining this can make it punchier.

Consider reworking the final sentence to build a stronger cliffhanger instead of vague phrases like "towards oblivion."

Suggested Edit: Start with a strong visual or action-based sentence.

For example:

"Nueva Aurora was shaken by a nightmare-women found lifeless, their hearts surgically removed. The peaceful town had become a hunting ground for something sinister."

This way, you draw readers in with tension right from the start.

Title:

Rating: 7/10

Comments:

Strengths: "The Missing Link" is a solid and intriguing title. It gives off a mysterious and investigative vibe, which fits the crime-thriller genre.

Areas for Improvement: The title feels a bit common and may blend in with other mystery/crime stories.

Overall: The title is good but could be made even more distinctive to stand out more.

Chapter 1:
Rating: 13/20

Characters: 16/20

Strengths: Zane and Lorraine have a solid dynamic—Zane’s soft, relatable demeanor balances Lorraine’s brilliance and strength. Lorraine’s mysterious nature adds depth to her character and makes readers curious.

Plot: 17/20

Strengths: The premise is intriguing—a series of murders with a bizarre, specific detail (missing hearts). The slow reveal of connections between the victims and the detectives' unraveling of the mystery keeps the story engaging.

Weaknesses: Some scenes feel descriptive and lengthy, which slows the pacing. Shorter, sharper scenes, especially in intense moments, would keep the tension high.

Overall Impression: 15/20

Strengths: The story shows a lot of promise, with well-crafted descriptions and a plot that keeps readers curious. The mystery is strong, and the blend of crime investigation with personal dynamics makes the narrative feel richer.

Weaknesses: The first chapter’s impact affects the overall impression since it sets the tone for the rest of the story. Refining the opening and strengthening chapter endings with cliffhangers will make the story more binge-worthy.

Note for the Writer:

Hi,

You’re doing an amazing job—your story is engaging, and your characters are memorable. Don’t be discouraged by feedback; it’s meant to help you shine even brighter. You have a gift for building suspense and making readers curious.

Keep believing in your talent and your story. You’re already inspiring readers, and I’m excited to see how your journey unfolds. Keep writing—you’ve got this!

With support,
Ashena Perzes
APerzes