Ch-15 ★Heart, Stop beating

[Jay]

I jumbled up all the clothes on my shelf trying to find something to wear for Aulaura-no wait I meant Aura. She wanted me to address her by her nickname, Aura short and sweet just like her.

Argh, what was thinking again? I tossed another row of shirts off my shelf. There has to be something suitable in my closet.

 I could hear the soft sips of tea Aura was taking while she sat cross-legged on my bed, her legs wound up in the grey quilts.

“Anything would be fine,” I heard her say outside my walk-in closet, in the room. There was still that detached coldness in her voice. I knew for a fact it was because of the incident from earlier.

She pulled back from me, leaning against the kitchen’s counter. Looking down at her feet, she tucked a few strands of her brown hair behind her ear, her small hands falling to either side of her thighs. “You were talking about Melody, weren’t you?” Her voice trembled, slightly but enough to tell me she was hurt.

I heaved loud sigh, running my hands across face, frustrated. “I don’t know,” Why did she have to bring up her name? Just why? Why couldn’t my past leave me alone for one second? Why does it come back haunting me like a nightmare?

She retracted her eyes upwards, studying my face for a slight second; she titled her head to the side, causing loose strands to fall out of her bun enclosing her beautiful oval shaped face. “Why are you lying to me?” Coldness traced her voice. There was that strange accusing look in her blue eyes.

“I’m not lying. Aulaura, I’m messed. Please try to understand,” My feet automatically advanced towards her, reaching out for her cheek with my hand. She moved backwards, away from me. I let my hands drop. Why couldn’t I keep my hands off her for one second? Damn.

“I don’t understand,” She whispered, looking as innocent as a doe. “You loved her right?”

“I still do,” I turned my back towards her; I looked outside the window in the kitchen. Staring at the starless night, I felt strangely calm.

Then the turbulences of my mistakes hit me faster than a race car, my thoughts crashed against me, silencing everything else.

What was I doing? Toying with a girl’s emotions. I shouldn’t have kissed her. I regretted everything about it but I didn’t have the guts to tell her. I’m afraid I’ll only hurt her more.

“You should rest now,” I muttered, dryly not letting a single drop of emotion seep through. I have to distance myself from her. Sorry, Aulaura but I can’t let you in my life. I’m afraid my heart can take no more.

“Okay,” She mumbled.

I pulled out a random pair of sweatpants and a casual blue-green t-shirt. This will have to do. I walked out of the closet, closing the open door with my leg.

She sat on my bed, holding onto the porcelain tea-cup with both of her hands. The steam rose from the cup, covering her tired face with drops of water.  The tiredness encircling her eyes told me that she ready to knock out.

I walked around the bed’s frame, stopping by the foot where she was sitting. I held out the clothes for her to take.

She set the tea cup on the bedside table before hesitantly taking the clothes from hand. “Thanks,” She mumbled, biting the corners of her lips.

“No problem,” I replied, scratching the back of my head. “The bathroom is over there,” I pointed towards black door on the left end of my room next to my closet.

Her eyes traveled towards the door. “Al ’right,”

“I’ll be sleeping in the living room if you need anything. Good-night,”

She nodded her head, the ripped up floral shirt slid down her arm revealing a-lot of skin. I tried not looking at it being a gentleman. I quickly ducked my head and walked out of the room.

I was about to close the door when Aura’s voice stopped me. “Jay,” I stuck my head in-between the door.

“Yah,”

There was a slight blush tainting her cheeks, as she fumbled with the clothes in her hands. “I think I got some blood on your face...when we were-uh yah. You should probably wash it off,” She rambled, not meeting my eyes.

She looked awfully adorable doing whatever she was doing.  I wasn’t even paying attention to what she was saying. “I will,” I grinned, not being able to hide the smile building up inside me.

I closed the door behind me with a soft thud.

*~*~*~

I stood outside in the balcony of my living room. There was something about this balcony I’ve always loved. It gave a clear yet muffled view of London. From the twenty-eighth floor, London looked like a dazzling cluster of light. All I could see were dots and more dots of yellow light. It was almost like someone had taken plucked out all the stars from the sky and tossed them like marbles on the ground.

I leaned forward on the railing, breathing in the cold, clam air deep into my lungs. My fingers were itching to take out a cigarette but I didn’t want to smoke in front of Aura.

The air was so quiet and still. The busy sounds of cars, horns had died out leaving nothing other than harshly soothing voice of the air rushing by.

Another sound entered the air, filling it with commotion, it was my phone. I pulled it out of the pocket of my jeans. My face instantly broke out into a wide grin when I read the caller-id.

“How’s the world most beautiful girl doing tonight?” I smiled into the phone whilst staring at the moon.

I was answered by a series of small giggles. “Hi Jay-Jay birdy,”

“Well hello princess. You didn’t miss your daddy too much, now did you?” I could imagine the big grin painting her rosy lips.

“Nopey, I didn’t miss you at all,” Beatrice replied, barely stifling a laugh.

I let out a loud gasp into the phone. “Not even tinsy-winsy bit?”

“Nopey, nope,” She shouted.

“Awe,” I whimpered. “You broke my heart,”

“Daddy! Daddy!” She urgently spoke into the phone. I knew she was waving her hands frantically at the phone. “I missed you a-lot. Daddy I want to come home. I don’t like it here,”

I felt my heart fall. “Winter break is coming soon. Princess, then you can home,” I wish I could bring her home. I wish she could stay with me but she can’t. I don’t have a choice.

I closed my eyes. 

“Okie, Jay-bird, I come home during winter break.” She has always been such an obedient child. She never fought with me twice or threw a tantrum. She always complied with whatever I said.

Maybe it was because her little mind understood things far maturely for kids her age. It almost broke my heart that Beatrice had to grow up this way, faster and with more maturity and understanding than other kids.

Sometimes I wish she would demand me for gifts and present or throw tantrums. In some way or another I wanted to preserve her childhood. She was growing up way too fast for my liking. I wish things weren’t this way.

“Daddy, Will you give me piggy-backs rides and play the guitar?” She whispered into the phone. I wanted to run to her boarding to school and hug her tightly.

“Of-course princess. We’ll do whatever you want,”

“Yayy!” she squealed. It’s funny how she found little bits of joys in the small promises I made.

“Now did you brush your teeth? We don’t want the monster to attack your teeth,”

“I brushed them two times and very hard just like you showed me. Jay-birdy my tooth is a wiggly. It goes back and forth, back and forth like the swingy thingy in parky,”

“Don’t touch it too much. It gonna fall off soon then-“

“The toothy fairy comes!” she screamed, I had to pull the phone away from my ear.

“Ehhh!!! Tooth fairy toothy fairy gonna take my teeth away,” She sang, horribly off key but to me it was the most musical thing in the world. I felt laughter escape my throat. “She gonna fly, fly up and up take my toothy,”

Her song was cut short by another voice in the background. “Beatrice time to go to sleep,” It must be her nanny.

“But I wanna talk to daddy,” I heard Beatrice wine.

“No, Beatrice go to sleep,” I spoke into the phone. “You have school tomorrow,”

“Okie,” I heard her mummer. “Goodnight daddy,”

“Sweet dreams, princess,” With that phone call ended.

I buried my hands into my palm. God, why were things so messed up?

There was a soft knock on the balcony’s door; I quickly composed myself, not wanting Aura to see me in this state.

Aura was standing behind the glass door, dressed in the clothes I had given her. My t-shirt was hanging off her shoulders almost slipping downwards and away.

She stepped outside in the balcony, the wooden panes creaking under her bare feet. Strands of brown hair was scattered loosely on her bare shoulders. She shivered ever so slightly.

“Um can I use your phone? I have to tell Sam that I’m here,” She muttered, nervously, tucking away few strands of hair behind her ear.

“Sure,” I held out my phone.

She carefully took the phone from my hands, her fingers brushing against my hand. I had this strange urge to hold onto her hand. I drew my hands towards my side, clenching them in fist.

Her small, feeble fingers skipped across the number-pad as her face glowed from the light imparted by the screen of the phone. Her beautiful features were lighted up in the dark, making her seem like the moon in the darkness of the night. The slight blush on her cheeks told me she was well-aware of my stare. She was eating away the insides of her cheeks, I don’t know if it was from nervousness or what. 

She placed the phone by her ear, breathing in into it while she looked at my face, staring directly into my eyes. In her blue eyes, I was beginning to drown. I was reminded of the first time I saw.

In the glow of the spotlight, she glowed like a passionate fire, standing out from those around her. She held me in a prison made of alloy, strong and unbreakable.

Again, I was captured in the prison of her eyes. I don’t know what it was about her that steals my breath away. She was just so differently unique. She reminded of a bright, red denizen which shone in the morning sky, shedding away the dark, unafraid of the world. There was this boldness about her, she wasn’t weak no. She was strong on the outside but inside she was crumbling away.

Her face told a tale of strength while her eyes sung a sorrowful woe. What was the reason for her sadness?

“Sam,” She spoke into the phone, breaking the eye contact. The air escaping her mouth fogged up in the cold, London air.

“Don’t worry I’m fine,” She sighed, straightening herself, resting her hand on her hip.

She stayed silent for several minutes, before letting out a loud groan, an annoyed look crossing her face. I figured Samantha was giving her some sort of lecture. “Sam, I’m perfectly fine. I’m going to be staying at friend’s house,”

“Which friend?” Her eyes automatically snapped towards me. “Um- Eleanor, I met her during the business management class,”

She let out a relieved sigh, seemed like Samantha had bought her lie. “Okay see you tomorrow, bye, yah goodnight,”

She handed the phone back to me, smiling slightly.  She tugged the t-shirt up her shoulders. “Goodnight,” She whispered, her eyes sparkled in the moonlight.

“Night,” I couldn’t help but return her smile.

She walked back into the room, curling arms around her bare arms. She existed towards the hall, heading towards the bedroom.

~*~*~

It was during midnight when I was woken by her screams. I jumped off the sofa, my eyes barely adjusting to the darkness of my apartment. Stumbling few times over the furniture, I rushed towards my room. Fear gnawing away at my chest. Was she alright?

I pushed the door, running into the room. She was sleeping in the middle of the bed tangled in the quilts, her head buried into her pillow as cries shook her body.

I walked to the edge of the bed.

“Hunter, let me go.” She murmured in between her cries. “Hunter!”

“I didn’t do anything,” She sobbed causing my heart to get twisted into a very familiar yet strange manner.

I sat down on the bed, the mattress sinking down by my weight. I placed my hand on her cheek, instantly her cries died down, her face relaxed into a smile. I lay down on the bed, next to her wrappings my arms around her, I held her close to my chest.

Slowly, her breathing returned to normal. She buried her head into my chest, holding onto my t-shirt.

I felt the heat from her body radiate into me, leaving gasping for more. Her sweet, bolstering scent surrounded me.

“Jay,” She murmured in her sleep. My heart sped like the old times. I was familiar with this feeling. I’ve felt it for someone else.

I pulled back, admiring her face.  A small smile traced her ruddy lips. I moved away few strands of hair from her face, my hands brushing against her skin, leaving Goosebumps behind.

I wanted to go away but I was too afraid. I didn’t want her nightmares to return. I don’t know why I’m lying to myself. I didn’t want to leave because I liked having her in the cage of my arms. I liked smelling her. I liked having her body close to mine. I liked the feeling of her breaths gliding across my neck.

I knew why I liked all that about her but I’m afraid to admit it. I will never admit it because the minute I do, no-one will be able to stop me.  

I really wish my heart would stop beating. Please heart, I beg of you, don’t ever beat again.

Author’s note:

Heavily unedited. Blah don’t have the strength to edit.

This chapter was originally supposed to include one more scene but I decided that it would be for the best if I made a new chapter out of it because that chapter is crucial chapter and it has to be perfect otherwise the upcoming chapters will seem like crap.

Anyways, the next update will take at-least a week or more but in the next update I will be adding two chapters all together.

I seriously need to speed things up, ahhh I’m just so afraid that you guys might find these chapters boring.

It’s so unlike of me to write so many lovey-dovey calm chapters..haha yes this is the calm before a gigantic storm.

X0XO Tak

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