It shouldn't had been hard for Cameron to choose either to spend holidays with his family or spending his winter break alone at college, but it was. Cameron hated himself for even considered the options but things weren't easy.

He always loved every holiday, birthdays or anything that involves his family. But as everything in his was ruined life at the moment, the holidays weren't different and he couldn't stop blaming himself.

For thanksgiving day his house was full packed with relatives and friends, it was the first time they celebrated in such way since his parents got divorced and that got him excited, maybe his father came into a sense and accept the fact he was gay.

He was mistaken.

His father not only invited the relatives of his side of the family, also invited a couple of his co-workers with their daughter. Nothing wrong about it at the beginning but when everyone was talking and getting along, Dan started to force the dialogue between Cameron a the girl called Lauren and it was enough for Cameron to lecture his father and his intentions.

At the middle of the dinner, Dan stood up to say few words about gratitude and how glad he was to had everyone that night, Cameron who was sitting next to Lauren only wished to disappear when his father said out and loud how much he wished his son to date his best friends daughter, everyone except Gina and Sierra clapped agreeing with the idea, even the Lauren was flushing and looking at him content with everything happening.

Cameron breathed a sigh and excused himself and ran up to his room, deja vù. However, this time he wasn't going to a basketball court, he was laying on his bed in his almost empty old bedroom and this time wasn't Shawn who reached out for him, it was his sister asking if he needed to talk.

Talk was the last thing Cameron needed that night, he needed to be wrapped by Shawn's arms and feel that everything was going to be alright. But all he had was tears of disappointment rolling down his cheeks, he was disappointed not only with his father whom clearly haven't accepted his sexuality and was trying to force Cameron into a poor girl, Cameron was disappointed on himself for feeling so miserable without Shawn and the time was passing by but he was still hoping to have some news or at least know where his ex was.

-

After the awful Thanksgiving break, Cameron returned to college and seemed to be in automatic mode, doing everything on repeat without nothing excited within the days.

wake up
breakfast,
classes,
lunch,
lectures,
training,
dinner,
homework,
sleep.

He was supposed to enjoy the parties, extra curricular activities or even just hang out with his friends but nothing excited him enough to go for it. It was only him and his thoughts and memories.

Thoughts and memories that lead Cameron to think about Shawn in such way he wasn't expecting, luckily he was alone when the memories of them together on bed started to fill his mind and he started to crave Shawn, his body and heat more than ever.

Cameron had masturbated several times since college started, when he woke up hard-on, but those occasions were nothing much than frustrating jerk offs trying to get rid of the problem and be in class on time.

It was different for Cameron that moment, he was hot and craving for the only man who had touched him and the only one he wanted for the rest of his life, Cameron jerked off and came hard as he remembered how good Shawn always fucked him.

Satisfaction lasted few minutes only when the realization hit him with no compassion, Cameron never knew it was possible to cry post masturbating but that happened to him, he was pathetic and hopeless in love.

-

On winter break Cameron returned home after the reassurance of his mother that his father will no longer step into their house until he accepts and support their son as who he really is. Cameron felt loved by his mom but also he knew it was tearing his family even more.

At home he was alone most of the time, Sierra's work peaks before Christmas and that kept her out of the house more than she's used to. Gina's double shift was concerning Cameron even more at seeing on flesh how exhausted she's arrived home every evening.

Another thing that Cameron noticed the lack of contact his mother had with Karen, her best friend for years. When he asked Gina what was the matter she only replied that both of them found themselves busy most of the time but sometimes there had phone calls or few visits when they have free time.

Cameron tried to not read so much into the situation until he met Karen and Aaliyah while doing shopping market with Sierra. Aaliyah seemed doubtful to even say hello and Karen hugged Cameron without much saying, just an "I'm sorry" and a kiss on his forehead before parting their ways.

Cameron didn't know why Karen apologised, he didn't know what to feel about that either. He became so close to Shawn's family after coming out to his parents and he realised in that moment that he didn't just break up with a boyfriend but also with a supportive family that was there where he needed the most.

Cameron couldn't help but feeling mad at Shawn for breaking his heart, therefore interfering in the friendship their moms had for years, everything was great until Shawn then came in the picture to only mess up everything, his life and thoughts.

-

Christmas Eve was reduced to a quiet dinner between Cameron, Gina and Sierra at their house. It was better than having a bad confrontation with his father and bringing his relatives into a confusing situation so Cameron was thankful for that.

However, the next day whilst doing his habitual 'check Shawn's social media just in case', Cameron noticed that Aaliyah uploaded photos of the Mendes' Christmas Eve dinner, for a moment Cameron thought he would finally get some news of Shawn, a photo or video but there was nothing.

The nerves and sadness hit Cameron, he couldn't help but feel that it was his fault that Shawn wasn't there, with his family spending the holidays. Did Shawn despite being near Cameron so much to the point of leaving his family in such special date? Cameron was tired of feeling that way, he needed answers.

-

"How's it going?" Cameron asked not sure how to aboard the conversation.

"Fine, freezing but fine. Sometimes I don't feel Canadian at all. I hate winter" Aaliyah said blowing hot breath on her hands to keep them warm.

"I like the snow but I admit this year we're having already enough" Cameron said serving mugs of hot cocoa on the middle table. "Thank you for coming, I thought it was the best early in the morning while our moms were at work" Both were sitting on Cameron's living room, It was snowing outside.

"No worries Cam, I know why you asked me to come and I think you deserve get all the answers you need" Cameron looked at Aaliyah in surprise, his plans of persuasion to get her talking about Shawn were not long needed.

"Yeah... H-how is he?" Cameron couldn't hold in anymore.

"He is fine, I haven't seen him since September, but he is fine" Aaliyah said. "I don't know where he is, if that was the next question. I truly don't know" Cameron denoted sincerity in her eyes.

"Is there someone else? You can tell me"

"No Cam, Shawn could never"

"But- Why isn't he home for holidays? Is it because of me?"

"No, no. Any fault you might feel about this whole situation needs stop, it's not your fault. It's not our fault. Not even Shawn's. It's the experiences he has lived the ones to blame" Aaliyah sounded so calm yet so confusing.

"I just want to understand"

"Actually, Shawn is going to hate me for doing this but I've told him many times that you deserve to know, he didn't listen. He never does"

"Aaliyah, please" Cameron was getting impatient.

"Alright, before you and Shawn were in a relationship he only dated once. Nick, he was his best friend since we all were kids, I remember to get mad because Shawn liked to play with him more than with me" Aaliyah said with a chuckle. "I remember to ask my mom when I was 9 or so why my brother and Nick liked to spend more time in Shawn's room than outside, she told me then that Shawn and Nick were in love and they were boyfriends, they were 14 years each" Cameron stayed quiet and attentive, waiting for Aaliyah to continue.

"...The years went by and everyone were supportive with them. Everyone loved them together, except me and the worst part is that I don't feel bad about it"

"What do you mean? And who is Nick? Do I know him?"

"Somehow I knew you would ask" Aaliyah said sliding her phone out of her coat. She unlocked it and scrolled down through her files. "That's him, Nick" There he was, the same unknown guy from Shawn and his friend's photos on their social media.

"Ehm- no. I don't know him" Cameron said looking anywhere else but Aaliyah's eyes. He was feeling something between jealous and fear of knowing that Shawn had loved or still love someone else.

"What happened with him? Why did you say that you didn't supported them?"

"They always seemed to be happy and in love but it was nothing like that, I was the one listening the amount of times they fought in Shawn's room, how Nick was jealous and controlling over my brother" Aaliyah shook her head in disapproval. "He was absorbing my brother to the point that Shawn started to accept everything coming from Nick, without discussing, just because he was in love with him"

"Was? I'm not sure about that. He broke up with me. Nick must be the reason" Cameron blurted out. He regretted right away.

"Nick was the reason, but not the way you're thinking Cam"

"In what way then?"

"Nick died a day before their moving to Toronto for uni" Cameron gasped covering his mouth in shock. "In a car accident on his way going to a family dinner in our restaurant in the centre of the city"

"I-i'm so sorry" Cameron muttered, picturing the situation in his head.

"I've never saw someone so broken, Shawn was devastated. They have saved for years to buy a flat in Toronto and finally move in together. I'm sad about his death, don't think wrong about me. He was a nice boy, he wasn't the right one for my brother and that's all." Cameron handed some tissues to Aaliyah who was already tearing.

"My brother was so in love that didn't realize how toxic everything was. No one listening to me when I talked about their constant fights, so I started to pretend that I was okay, I still have to pretend. But I'm doing just for my brother"

"It's okay Aaliyah, I understand" Cameron said trying to reassure her.

"At the end I was right, Nick wasn't the guy everybody thought he was. It turned out that he was drunk and doing drugs, all because he wasn't accepted in the same uni of my brother and didn't know how to retain my brother here in pickering"

"...But it wasn't only his death that mattered, I lost my brother and my parents their son. Shawn was drowning in depression for almost a year. I mean, it's understandable, Nick was part of his life for a decade. But instead of showing hints of moving on, one day he said he was going to Vancouver for college" Cameron nodded, he knew about Shawn's decision of studying there after refusing a sport scholarship.

"Shawn told me about studying in Vancouver, but I've never understood why Shawn decided that. There was always something missing when we talked about few subjects"

"Shawn is not the brother I had grown up with, he lost his love for playing basketball after Nick's death. Everything it's different. Shawn only returned home after four years, he is another person now"

"You mean he didn't spend holidays at home?"

"Holidays, birthdays, nothing in 4 years. We visited him few times at the Campus. Nathalia was the one that almost moved it him in the first two years, she was always kind but its sad to know about your brother by some friend's phone calls"

"I remember Shawn so happy texting with me on Christmas last year and we actually had a great time on new year's all together"

"Actually, last year's was the happiest holidays we have had in years" Aaliyah started crying again.

"I'm sorry Aaliyah, I truly am. I thought it was my fault that Shawn decided to not stay near me or somewhat"

"As I said, it's not your fault Cameron, I'm sorry that you felt that way"

"It's a terrible lost, I'm sorry for Nick's family and Shawn. I just don't get it... Why Shawn never told me about it?"

"I told him to, many times. But he never listen. I can't tell you why, what he felt or feels. This whole Nick situation is sad but it was thousand times worse for him"

"Yeah, I can't even imagine what he went through" Cameron for a moment pondered to call Shawn and ask him how he was, why he kept everything for him but everything changed when Aaliyah continued speaking.

"Nick was the reason he left you, I can't tell you if Shawn is still in love with him or with the memories of Nick but he was afraid of put yourself in danger"

"In danger? Why would he think that?"

"Your accident Cam, the situation was triggering similar to be honest. The crash was in the same spot, it happened a week or so before the anniversary of Nick's death. He told me he needed to stay away from you can be safe"

"But it wasn't his fault, not Nick's or mine accident."

"He doesn't feel that way and no one can change that but himself"

"Someone need to talk with him, make him realise-"

"Cam" Aaliyah interrupted him. "Do you think that we haven't tried? My family has tried, we have been in this page before, he won't stop doing what he thinks it's the right thing until he thinks otherwise by his own. If he ever think otherwise I must add"

"So you're saying he is not coming back? To me?" Cameron whispered losing all his hopes.

"No Cameron. If he doesn't want to be in your life, he won't. But it's not because of you, it's how his relationship with Nick worked. Nick made Shawn believe he was always wrong, that everything was his fault. It wasn't healthy but no one listened to me"

"But I want him in my life, I want to make him happy again"

"Actually, I thought you two would work. You are the opposite of Nick and Shawn seemed truly happy with you, but..."

"But?"

"Shawn doesn't think the same" Cameron felt his chest aching.

"What should I do now?"

"Move on"

×

Shawn was still shocked about what happened to him in the afternoon. He couldn't believe his eyes and ears.

"He called me Mr Idiot, can you believe?" Shawn said while saving the left overs in the fridge. "My student calling me names"

"Technically Matt isn't your student anymore Shawn, so he can actually call you names. It's a good one I must admit" Nath said finishing two cup of tea for her and Shawn. She came to visit him for the week.

"I'm still older than him"

"You're the one that broke up with his best friend, what would you expect? Or you don't remember the amount of times that I tried to defend you from Nick's nonsense?"

"Nath.."

"You know I'm right. So it's Matt with that name for you" Nath said handing Shawn's his tea.

"He was so mad, I swear he was ready to punch me"

"Did he believed you?" Both Shawn and Nath sat on the couch.

"I don't think so, I told him I was there for a conference but then I checked the Uni website and there weren't any conferences for the week, I screwed up" Nath couldn't held back her laugh.

"You can't lie to save your life"

"I guess going into the Campus wasn't a good idea"

"Shawn, rent an apartment near the Campus with the mere excuse to stay close of Cameron wasn't a good idea"

"I thought you were supporting me"

"I'm always here for you, because I love you and I want you to be okay but that doesn't mean I agree with what you're doing"

"I know.. it's just. I shouldn't have called him on new years, that day is special for us and I was already drunk and missing him lots"

"You're not helping yourself love"

"I only wanted to listen his voice but all what I heard was music and screms, he was at a party or something like that and there was a female voice too. "

"Is he bi or pan?"

"He said he's gay but he dated girls before so I don't know what to think about that, at the party he sounded.. happy"

"He is happy but not with you"

"Yeah" Shawn said with a sigh. "Matt also said Cameron was already moving on"

"So you think there's someone else?"

"No! I- I mean. I don't know"

"Listen Shawn, this.. What ever it is. It has to stop"

"I know, I will"

"Will you really?" Nath asked right away.

"I don't know okay? I need to stay close of him, I need to see him. I just can't help it"

"If you can't help it then talk with him, get him back to you"

"That's not an option" Shawn said firmly.

"And do you think it's an option or fair for Cameron to have you near him but he's been oblivious all the time?"

"You don't understand Nath"

"Yes, I do. It's you. You don't understand that this has to stop. You're not in his life anymore, take care of him doesn't concern you, only him and-"

"And?"

"And in the future it'll concern someone else"

-

Shawn tried to not think about Cameron finally finding someone new, let alone Nath's advice to move somewhere else and start a new life and maybe find someone else too.

It was ridiculous just to consider it. Cameron was the only want that Shawn wanted and he was already happy to have a glimpse of him one day or another.

Shawn wasn't a stalker, he was only protecting Cameron. That's what he's been repeating in his mind since the first time he started to go secretly at the some places that Cameron liked to go.

Shawn was walking down the street hoping to see Cameron at one coffee shop he loved to go in the afternoons, and for Shawn's luck there was Cameron sitting on the outside tables of the shop.

But Cameron wasn't alone. There was a guy, pretty close of him, winning all his smiles and attention.

Shawn stood there, in the corner of the street, feeling how his blood started to boil in his veins.

...