Gil's POV

I woke up forgetting who I was for a moment. Which was honestly the highlight of the day. To say I feel like shit would be history's greatest understatement. I felt a little better at the sight of Matt on top of me. The guilt hit me like a truck though. I suddenly became incredibly aware of every little thing I inflicted on myself during last night's bout. My stomach twisted.

I know we had that conversation about scars once but we had this unspoken agreement that it was all left in the past. And here I am, reliving my mistakes because of my poor life decisions. At least I tried. I'm not going to get it on the first try, right? And it's hard with everything  being pretty hard to cope with right now—I'm making excuses for my shit behavior.

I accidentally groaned just a tad too loud. Matt's eyes slipped open immediately. Nothing but concern in them. He didn't say anything for a moment which let me appreciate his eyes for a moment. They were something between Prussian blue and violet; color changing almost. It was like looking at the night sky right before the sun finally went away. The guilt hit me harder.

"You okay?" He asked, tilting his head a little bit.

"Yeah, what makes you think I'm not?"

"You groaned like something was bothering you." I didn't know groans could have tones.

"The only thing that bothers me is we can't take naps all the time."

"That's a fair complaint."

"It's a little childish though."

"So?" He lifted his head up slightly. "It's not like we're grown ass men. We still have a few years."

"A few doesn't feel like enough."

"Do you feel like you're running out of time or something?"

"Kind of."

"Why?"

"I don't really know." It was only half a lie. I know it's because I'm defensive and anxious but I also know there's no reason to feel like that. I mean, I've left the past behind, right? I wish. I really just numbed myself to it. Now I have to balance that with the now. It's a whirlwind of things that I don't know how to handle.

"Okay," He frowned. "there's definitely something wrong."

"There's nothing wrong." I insisted like a liar. 

"I really doubt that." 

"There's nothing to doubt."

"Don't lie to me."

"Matt." I warned. "Just drop it." 

"I..." He moved to slide off of me. "Sorry—I should probably be heading home or my dad might worry." 

"Wait." I grabbed his arm before he could go anywhere. I sat up quickly as he turned around. "I didn't-"

"No, it's fine, I get it." He gave a weak smile. "I'm actually serious about my dad getting worried, we were asleep for like three hours." 

"Really?"

"Yeah, so-" He leaned down and landed a quick peck to my forehead before he pulled himself from my grasp. He headed to the front door where he left all his things. He looked back to me for a second. "-I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"

"Alright." I nodded. With that he gave one last smile before he went out the door. I instantly fell back and groaned. 

My stupid habits always ruining my life. Can't have good things. No, I don't deserve that shit. I deserve to keep pushing everything away.

Maybe everyone was right. Maybe I am just a fuck up. Maybe I won't amount to anything. Maybe I'm just a selfish asshole.

Maybe I'm overthinking this.

~

Entry #3

I trashed my room. It's a disproportionate amount of anger for a minor inconvenience. I didn't fair any better when I was done. I ended up lying on the floor for so long that my back cracked when I finally got the will to get up.

I heard someone walk into the house then. It was Luddy. I damn near broke down at the fact that it was the first time I heard his voice in the past few days. I stayed in my room so I wouldn't scare him with the fact that my hands were full of dried blood and bruises from breaking and throwing everything.

I'm starting to think that I shouldn't be alone because I'm really doing some damage to myself. It honestly scares me.

I don't know.

I miss Matt.