twenty the dead boy

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       MIA KNEW THAT UMBRIDGE WAS SCARED of Sirius — and, with this in mind, Mia felt unstoppable.

       She couldn't care less about getting detentions — half of the time, she wasn't really caught — but the satisfaction she felt, when she saw Umbridge discover that notorious murderer Sirius Black was nearby, was worth every blood quill.

       It all started during her first detention; Mia was told by Umbridge, to sort out her skirt, and instead of apologising, Mia took a pair of scissors to the skirt hem, and went to town. George, somehow, had the same detention — "Surprising, that," Fred had said — and when he mentioned Sirius, Umbridge stiffened.

       It was amazing. Umbridge froze almost immediately. Mia had no idea what stories they were pushing about her dad, amongst Ministry officials, but shit. Umbridge looked terrified. She went ice-white, and her voice was even squeakier than usual, and as it dawned on Mia how scared Umbridge was of her dad, she had an idea.

       And it began. The little rumours, here and there, about Sirius Black lurking in Hogsmeade. Obviously none of it was true, but quickly the news got back to Umbridge. She must've realised that, as the new headmaster, protecting the school from mass-murderer Sirius Black was her responsibility, because the Hogsmeade trips were immediately cancelled for students in her year, and Harry's. She said it was because it was a distraction... Mia figured it was in case Mia or Harry 'went to see Sirius'... who, of course, was still in London, perfectly fine.

       Sirius found it funny. Mia had checked with him first, if she could use his likeness to scare the new headmaster. "I wouldn't want it any other way!" he told her. And, like that, Mia began terrorising Umbridge.

       That's why the detentions stopped for Mia — Umbridge must've worried that she'd end up inviting Sirius Black, the murderer, onto the school grounds, if she was too nasty to Mia. The Inquisitorial Squad were still trying their hardest to annoy Mia, though, the majority of them quietly knowing that Sirius wasn't really a murderer. They couldn't admit that, though, but she could tell on their faces — their Death Eater parents had told them the truth at some point.

       Two weeks into the ordeal, Mia found herself walking from her common room to the hall, planting herself on the Gryffindor table. She couldn't remember the last time she sat at her own table — honestly, she was waiting for Umbridge to enforce a rule about students only sitting at their house's table. But, nowadays, Mia only hangs out with Gryffindors. Why would she sit on her own, at mealtimes?

       But, she sits down next to George, and before she can say anything, he says quietly, "Harry told me to ask you if you wanna practice Patronus, sometime soon."

       "Is it safe?" she asks.

       George shrugs his shoulders. "It is if you don't get caught."

       Mia rolls her eyes. "Um, OK, I will, then."

       George grins. "Brilliant," he tells her, before turning to the side, and giving Harry a thumbs-up. He turns back to Mia. "I want to know what your Patronus is."

       "That's if I can make one..." she says quietly.

       "Don't say that," he says.

       Mia frowns. "I'm being realistic."

       "You're not believing in yourself," says George. "That's what—"

       "Because I got the other stuff so quickly?" she says, her eyes narrowing. She didn't expect this to happen. One second, he's smiling, and the next, he's... what, annoyed at her? For thinking she can't do something?

       George frowns at her. "I'm just saying you can do this stuff, you're just—"

       Fred and Lee sit down, before George can get the question out of his mouth. Mia's noticed, that if she's saying anything personal, George will drop the subject as soon as his friends appear, in case she doesn't want them to know. She appreciates it, she really does...

       But, still. She's annoyed with what he's said.

       Archie appears soon after, and mentions the Patronus lesson. Mia explains the same thing to him and he seems to get it. It's only George that's being weird about it. Patronuses are made by thinking of happy memories, by feeling pure happiness... Surely it isn't out of the ordinary, thinking that you won't be able to do that? Because every time she thinks of the idea of that, she thinks of Cedric, and the happiness is soiled.

✨

       SHE CAN'T DO IT, SHE CAN'T — but as the day creeps along and she realises the only time they can have the lesson is the very same night, Mia wishes she had never agreed to this. She knows in her heart that she won't be able to do it. She knows that. She knows she'll be standing there, feeling like a fucking fool because she won't be able to produce a Patronus.

       But she can't back down now. She knows that Harry's risking another round of detentions to help her — so she's got to go, whether she likes it or not.

       She has to be careful, when she makes her way back to the Room of Requirement. She goes the longer route to get there, knowing it's easier to hide if Filch is lurking the halls. Umbridge must think, anyway, that no one's going to dare going to the Room of Requirement now, so hopefully there'll be no one around there, keeping watching.

       And there isn't, Mia realises as she arrives. She lets herself into the room, and Harry's already there. He looks awkward.

       "Hi," he says.

       Mia looks around. "... Hi."

       He doesn't waste any time. "Do you, erm, wanna start?"

       She nods. She doesn't know if they've ever been completely on their own before... She feels a little uncomfortable. She's fine with him, now, but like, they're not exactly close. Just slightly friendly.

       "So, erm, I told the others this stuff, but basically, a Patronus relies on strong emotions to form an actual shape," he tells her. She feels a little weird, being schooled by a fifteen-year-old, but reminds herself that he did fight Voldemort on numerous occasions. He probably knows his shit. "Because Patronuses fight off dark magic, you've got to focus on a happy memory, and use that energy in the spell..." Harry laughs awkwardly. "It's sort of tricky to explain, but if you get what I mean..."

       "Yeah," she says, with a nod. "It makes sense."

       "OK, so, think of a happy memory, and focus on it, and once you're ready, say Expecto Patronum," says Harry. "It might take a while for it to work, it does for everyone. But you need to start off by focusing on a happy memory."

       "Got it," she says, and as she looks down at her wand, she realises that her hand's shaking.

       She tries to think of something. At first she goes to her mum, but that's tainted by her dad. Then Cedric, and of course, that line of enquiry stops fairly immediately. And then she thinks, who, right now, makes me nothing but happy, no bad feelings lingering?

       Don't vomit, but her thoughts drift to a particular boy...

       He only wants the best for her... And maybe she hasn't fully appreciated that until now, but fuck. He's always looked out for her, hasn't he? From Briar's party, to this morning, getting annoyed that she didn't believe in herself the way he does. She cannot comprehend the way he looks at her, because to him, she must be golden.

       But she thinks of a specific memory. She thinks of when they first said that they liked each other. She remembers him admitting he fancied her years ago, and the rush of emotions she felt; as if her younger self had collided with the current, the happiness that warmed her insides because oh my God, oh my GOD, he likes us, he liked us! She thinks of the happiness in her stomach. Everything felt lighter. Everything does, when you start falling for someone. The whole world feels lighter, warmer, like everything will be OK. She positions herself in her footsteps, in this particular memory — she can hear him saying, "I used to fancy you, too, before we fell out," and it feels so real, and her feelings feel so present, that she raises her wand.

       But doubt starts to sink in. She remembers the crash she felt when they fell out in the first, and then she remembers Cedric, and how he had been the one to pick her up. She remembers the awful fall from George is so cute! to I'm so fucking stupid, how could I be so stupid? She can't forget it, she can't shake the memory, she can't shake the worry that, maybe it'll happen again, it's gonna hurt even more this time...

       No, she thinks. Come on, Mia.

       She tries to power through. She tries to focus on the good, but the bad's there too. She thinks she has a hold of the happiness, and she wants to try, but she knows it won't work. She doesn't have any happy memories. Everything ends, everything's sad in the end. No happy feeling is only happy.

       She feels a tear roll down her cheek.

       "I can't do it," she says quietly.

       "It's fine if it takes longer—"

       "No, I can't!" she snaps, and as she turns to Harry, she winces. "I don't mean to shout at you, it's not your fault — but my best friend was killed... I don't have anything to think of. I genuinely don't. Please don't try and suggest anything, because nothing will work. Everything goes back to Cedric."

       Harry looks at a loss for words. She wipes her tears, feeling silly for even crying about this, but she can't help it, she can't stop them. She misses him, so much. She'll never stop missing him, she knows that, but sometimes it hits her, even more than usual...

       "I'm sorry I couldn't save him," says Harry.

       Mia feels as if time's stopped. She looks across at him, at the sincerity across his face, and her heart sinks.

        "It isn't your fault," says Mia, meaning every word.

        "It feels like it is," he says. "I should've realised what was going on..."

       "None of it is your fault," she tells him. "You didn't know what was going to happen. You didn't know You-Know-Who was gonna come back."

       "I just... I see you, and I remember his dad's reaction, and I know I should've done more," says Harry. He scratches the back of his neck. "I'm sorry for making it about me, I just... I wanted to apologise, to you. You lost him because of me."

       "No, I didn't," says Mia. As she looks at Harry, at the hopelessness swimming in his eyes, she can't help but see herself in him. "And you don't... You don't need to apologise for expressing yourself. I know I'm a hypocrite for saying it, but you shouldn't bottle things up like that... That's why my magic's all weird."

       Harry shrugs. "Thing is, a lot of things are sort-of connected to me... At least, I feel like they are."

       Mia frowns. "That still doesn't mean it's all your fault."

       "I dunno," he says.

       She knows he isn't going to listen to her. But she feels like, out of everyone, she's the only one that understands how he feels. Archie and Sirius can listen, but it isn't the same.

        So she puts her hands on his shoulder. He stiffens, confused by the slightest bit of affection, especially coming from her, but she continues anyway. "If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here," she tells him.

       He smiles softly. "Thanks."

       "It's no problem," says Mia. "I guess I am your, uh, god... sister, so."

       He snorts. "Yeah... Are you, erm, OK?"

       Mia doesn't know, but she doesn't want him to worry. "Yeah, I'm fine," she tells him. "I think I need to find George—"

        As if by magic, the boy in question walks into the room. Mia and Harry exchange a look, and she wonders if he's been listening in to the whole conversation (she hopes he hasn't).

      "Uh—?"

       George cuts her off. "How's the lesson going?"

       So he doesn't know.

       For a brief second she doesn't believe him, but quickly, it makes complete sense. He always seems to appear when she needs him, like some divine hand plucks him out of one room and into hers.

       "I, uh, think we're done for tonight," says Harry.

       "See you tomorrow, Harry," she says softly.

       Harry smiles awkwardly. "Yeah."

       As the door closes behind Harry, George looks at Mia oddly. He's still walking towards her, holding his hands out to take hers. "Since when were you two frie... Were you crying?"

       "Oh," she says. "Yeah."

       George frowns. "... Why?"

       "All of my memories go back to Cedric."

       George is quiet for a minute. His hands are holding hers still, and she worries for a minute if he's hurt at all by this. Sometimes she forgets Cedric was her ex, and not just her best friend. Maybe George thinks of him as her ex, maybe he gets upset about it... It's silly, but she really hopes he doesn't feel like that, it's not his fault...

       "I've never lost someone, so I don't know what you're feeling, personally," he says, softly... Carefully, maybe. He sits her down, on one of the cushions in the room, and he sits opposite to her, his knees touching hers lightly. "But I..."

       "You're doing the best you can," she says softly, and she places her hand on his cheek. It feels unfair on him, making him feel like this. Just because she's grieving doesn't mean he should feel bad.

       George frowns at her. "I just want you to be OK."

       "Every so often, I miss him more than usual," says Mia. "But that's normal..." She moves forwards and presses her lips against his forehead, kissing him softly. "None of this is on you."

       "Mia," he says, his voice softer than usual.

       "Yeah?"

       "I think... I'm falling for you."

       Her stomach drops.

       She knows she isn't there yet. She knows she hasn't even thought about that. She likes him, of course she likes, but falling...? That's miles away. Miles, months, mountains. She's nowhere near falling. She still misses Cedric, she nowhere near ready to even think about falling for someone else...

       Come to think of it...

        Mia frowns at him. She takes her hand off of his face, and looks at him. She knows that he means what he says, and she doesn't know how to reply. She can't tell him what she's thinking, can she? I'm not ready for that. Because that raises the question of if she's ready for any of this...

       He moves, and puts his head on her shoulder. "You don't have to say the same," he tells her. "I just... I wanted to say it."

       She feels uncomfortable. She feels like an imposter. He's here, completely open, completely vulnerable, and she isn't ready. She knows she isn't ready. And this is completely unfair on him, because he should have her, one hundred per cent. It's only going to get worse. He's going to say these things more and more, and she's going to be panicking, because she knows she isn't ready for it. She couldn't produce a Patronus because she was still upset over Cedric, this is all too quick, this is all too soon...

       She isn't thinking this, because she doesn't know if Cedric would approve. He would. She knows they probably wouldn't have lasted, but still, her best friend was killed, and she isn't over it, and she cannot start a relationship in the position she's in, mentally, emotionally. This isn't unfair on George. She does like him, she does, but she knows this isn't right.

       "I don't think this is a good idea," she says.

       George takes his head off of her shoulder. "What?"

       "I don't know if I'm ready for this."

       He looks confused. "Ready for what?"

       She stands up, and starts pacing, running her fingers through her hair. "It's unfair on you, because I know you're always there for me, but I don't know if I'm ready to be at that same level yet..."

       "Mia, I didn't say I love you, I just meant—"

       "No, no, it's not your fault!" she says, quickly. He's stood up now, too, and tries to reach out to her, but she steps back. "I haven't processed everything that happened to Cedric yet... And I can't be there for you until I have."

       George's face falls. "Why didn't you say that before?"

       "Because I still like you — I really do, George, believe me, I do, but I'm not—I'm not ready to be with you, and I didn't realise that until now—"

       "Right," he says. "I'll go, then."

       She has to hold back tears. "I wish I was ready."

       "So do I," he says.

       And with that, he starts to walk away. She watches the Room of Requirement door close behind him, and she watches the floor around her glisten, puddles of water appearing out of nowhere. She wipes the tears from her face, and she tries to calm herself down, to stop the water flooding the damned place.

       It was too rushed. It wasn't right. She wasn't ready. And she won't be ready until she grieves Cedric, and she moves on. And she hasn't yet. Her first thought when she wakes up, most mornings, is still Cedric. It's still, Cedric isn't here. It isn't, ooh, I'm seeing George later, like it should be. It's still Cedric. And she knows George is perfect, and that he cares for her, completely, but the timing just isn't right...

✨

( george )

       THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, wasn't it? He's always been competing with a dead boy. There's no way he would've won.

the yearning is not over yet😏😏