3 AM

My phone screen blared the words as I tossed and turned in my bed, sleeplessly -- whilst checking my phone every five minutes -- hoping for the night to end. Rubbing my fingers in my eyes, to try to block the wetness forming in them, I just couldn't stop the silent sobs from leaving. After hours of crying and grieving, I was still unable to process the whole encounter and the revelation, along with the reminders of how my college mates were right about me being unworthy of betterment. Not only was I shocked and heartbroken, I also felt a voided nothingness inside of me, that felt numb and sparse of any emotions.

I felt lifeless. Or probably that was what I wanted to feel the most.

I took a deep breath through my nose, to calm myself but my thick tears ended up gliding over my hot cheeks and wetting the pillow underneath me. The only feelings that engulfed my being were pain and severe hurt, especially in my chest, somewhat similar to a sharp stab in my heart.

Gasping for breath, I couldn't stop, and my mind kept reminiscing about my short but longing memories, as I vividly remembered my times together with Edward. The silver ring he had just got me yesterday was still twisted around my finger, and I couldn't bring myself to remove it. Every time my teary gaze landed on my hands, it reminded me of his presence, as if never leaving my hand, promising me it wasn't him or maybe I was having a bad nightmare and that by morning, it would all be gone.

After multiple attempts of shutting my eyes and letting the feeling of lifelessness take over me, I finally gave up. Dreadfully, I dragged my heavy body up, my head aching sharply in the process and my vision becoming more blurry. I sat on the edge of my bed, slowly raking my fingers in my wet hair and I simply stared at the blank wall in front of me, reflecting my bleakness and mundanity.

After sitting and thinking about what I had experienced, my mind went straight back to Edward. How could he do this to me? He always said he loved me. He even promised me that he wasn't cheating. But then what was it that I just saw and why did I have to find out about it through some random guy I didn't even know?

There were thousands of questions that floated in my mind, all unanswered and probably never would be. I exhaled a deep breath, the silence around me deafening me, only deepening my thoughts. I began to feel helpless. I felt alone.

And most of all, I felt lonely.

It seemed like a never-ending beginning of hurtfulness, and no one to bother hearing me complain and cry about how unfair life was.

I recalled Edward's words and his cliché analogy of our storyline, but it didn't seem like this was a romance novel after all. We were nothing like that, especially me. There wouldn't be psychologically messed up characters in love stories, that anyone would like to read. Those characters were meant to be perfect and I was everything that wasn't that.

And maybe, it was just how fate worked. Fate was a sadistic author, and we as characters never really had a chance. Or maybe we as characters were so masochistic to endure all the pain and to never give up on the story unless fate didn't decide it was finally the time for that abrupt sadly ever after.

And so I broke down again at my present state, my past and what was to come in the future, everything seemed a mixture of mystery, scariness and plot twists, I never would know about, unless I'd experience it.

Groggily getting up from my bed, with my body aching with tiredness, I switched on the lights. The darkness in the room was making me paranoid and my mind seemed to be blinded by the darkness, only adding effects contrastive to my vivid memories.

I went back to bed and checked my phone again, to find any signs of Edward's apologies -- or any type of confrontation for that matter -- but there was nothing. All that he had sent a few hours ago was a 'goodnight. and I love you' text just after Hayden's departure. I hadn't responded to it and didn't know how I would respond to something like that after what had happened.

Angrily, but moreover, disappointedly, I tossed my phone away on the bed again and dragged myself up. I hadn't eaten anything since afternoon so to satisfy my appetite I decided to have some cigarettes, to ease away the pain. Just like it helped Edward.

Everything had already started reminding me of him just like it did with my past Hayden, and I could already see the disturbing pattern. It was all just a cycle of repetitive events, hurting me again and again unless I learnt the lesson of never trusting anyone.

I shuffled through the things in my bag, trying to get my hands on a couple of cigarettes, tossed carelessly. Taking out the blue lighter -- given by Edward -- the flash of blueness reminded me of his eyes.

His thoughts consumed every inch of my head, and I couldn't help it.

Plopping on my bed again, heavy-heartedly, I clicked the lighter on, the golden flame, flickering. I neared it to my cigarette stick until it warmed and glowed a bright orange. I sucked in the smoke deeply, before exhaling it out. The entire scent of smoke, reminded me of Edward's presence and our old times.

Another tear rolled down my cheek with the memories, and longing for Edward's presence again but moreover, the hurt seemed to overdo that and devoured me whole.

Shakily yet steadily, I finished the cigarette and burned another one. Then another. The ashes littered my carpeted floor, as I kicked them all away, forming a grey splash of ashes.

After finishing all the cigarettes, I checked the time again, which read 3:10. It felt like time was paralysed, just like I was.

I sat there for a while again, unable to move, and rethinking what had gone wrong and why I hadn't been enough for Edward. Why he did what he did when he knew all my vulnerabilities?

I pushed my back against the headboard before opening up my phone again, to begin writing something that could probably make sense of my thoughts. I randomly typed, without putting much thought and ended up with an all-over-the-place excerpt.

These tears I shed, stained. They were the ink to my pen when I vented. And these pages scarred with my muffled screams, are the wipes to my eyes. This transparent blood flowing, wouldn't kill me. As things only die when they're alive.

Devastated, I laid back again on the bed, forcing sleep to come. Instead, it only felt like so many voices crawling and picking at me, in my head and telling me to let go of him. And that how he had been manipulating me all this time, just for his fun. Maybe it was time I let go of him before things could go worse like they did before. What felt like several futile attempts later, sleep occupied me, and after quite some dreams of feeling like I was chasing Edward and that he was running away from me in a dark empty forest, the alarm went off.

Groaning exasperatedly, I shut it off and woke up after what had felt like ten minutes of sleep or less. My head felt hot and spinning, my nose stuffy, and my eyes swollen -- I was a mess.

I was thinking about taking an off when as soon as I checked the phone, I had a text from Marilyn asking about some problems related to signals and their calculations. Groaning loudly, I jumped from the bed, almost forgetting I had a quiz today and hurriedly tapped open my notes to cram whatever I could. My mind was still elsewhere, while I unseeingly stared at the glaring words. Tiredly and almost on the verge of giving up on university in general, I texted Marilyn back, telling her I had forgotten about the quiz and that I'll manage something during class.

Exiting from Marilyn's conversation, Edward's goodnight text still lingered in my messages, that I hadn't bothered opening it. I ignored it again and placed my phone back on the nightstand before getting up to get ready. Thankfully it was Friday today and almost the weekend, I could get some alone time to reconsider and rethink what I could do about Edward.

I simply threw on a pale pink blouse and blue jeans, putting minimal effort into concealing my eyes with some makeup which looked dead, either way. I carelessly packed my bag and walked straight out of the house. Putting in my headphones in, I put the album Red by Taylor Swift on shuffle to feel better or maybe heard and related. Walking towards the bus stop, I head out slowly, the greyness of the sky dulling my mood.

As I jogged lightly, I couldn't help but be reminded of Edward and me walking through the same streets together. It felt incredibly hard for me to breathe the same air as him now. I walked past the lonely alley, and a couple of steps later, I heard slight footsteps of someone approaching behind. I slightly looked over my shoulder to unveil a pretty blonde girl pass me by, probably in a mocking manner. She was average heightened compared to my tallness, and her bright green eyes flashed at me with a soft smile as she walked past me. She wore a short tunic and a tank top, that complimented her short stature. Her long blonde hair floated behind her back, eclipsing her tiny waist.

She was beautiful unlike me.

I stared at the girl awestruck, my eyes following her as she jogged a couple of feet ahead of me. A hundred questions and reasons flickered in my head, one of them wanting to see what was it that she or whoever the girl I saw in the picture, gave Edward, that I couldn't. What if she was the same girl that kissed Edward, as Haydeb had mentioned? That of course would be a wild assumption to make when I didn't even know her. There could be so many blonde, green-eyed girls in the world, for all I knew. But her resemblance was daunting enough.

I simply stared at her, completely baffled, but instead chose to ignore her after a while. She was a random girl, I shouldn't even be obsessing over her.

I finally reached the university and approached a very scowling Marilyn, panicking.

"I can't deal with this subject anymore," Marilyn huffed.

"What subject?" I said, uninterested in whatever work we had pending. I folded my arms across my chest, looking around the parameters with paranoid glances, making sure no one saw me.

"It's the quiz! I don't understand how the teacher calculated time shifting and scaling on these signals," She exclaimed, and I just shrugged in return.

"I don't know either. I'm failing the test anyways," I said quite nonchalantly.

"That's what they all say and still manage to get good grades," She teased me with a knowing smile and I slightly rolled my eyes and smiled back.

"You look a little off today. You good?" She asked and I nodded back, without responding verbally, blankly staring at the PDF book on my phone.

Marilyn simply sighed, not pushing me for further information, thankfully enough. After several minutes of memorising the mathematical calculations, which I couldn't understand, I turned to Marilyn who seemed quite focused on her phone.

"Do you think I'm beautiful?" I asked before I realised what I had just said.

Marilyn took a moment, raking my expression with her eyes to make sure I was being serious. "Seriously?" She asked back, looking surprised. "You're literally dating the hottest guy in class, you know."

"I don't know." I just frowned at the thought. From my experience, I was a naïve target for guys to simply take advantage of.

"Don't tell me Edward called you ugly." Marilyn gasped dramatically, and I instantly regretted saying anything at all.

"Oh no he didn't," I cleared her confusion. "I was just being insecure for no reason," I partly lied, slumping my shoulders in a small shrug.

It was true. Maybe I was just being insecure, comparing myself to girls I could never be like.

"You are beautiful Michelle. Don't ever think otherwise," Marilyn said, emphasising every word to pass the point, but it didn't help much. Of course, anybody could call me beautiful or anything along the lines of that, but that wouldn't change the fact that I would be beautiful enough for someone to stay in love with me. Or be enough in any other way.

The teacher came in finally, strictly ordering the students to change their seating positions so they couldn't cheat. The teacher seated me and Marilyn in the back of the class and the backbencher students in the front rows. Ironically enough, I was seated just beside Edward's seat which was empty as usual.

A few minutes later, while the teacher handed us our test sheets, Edward appeared through the doorway, in his same old style, messy golden hair and tired blue eyes.

Of course, he was tired, and I mentally scoffed at the thought.

His eyes landed on mine, our eyes met for a moment and he gave me a nonchalant grin before sitting beside me.

I looked away, fixing my gaze on the paper in front of me. I couldn't bring myself to look at him again anymore, considering the tears welling against my sight.

"Hey, can I get a little bit of help?" I heard the raspy playful familiar whisper from him beside me.

My eyes instantly looked up, landing on his cheeky grinning face. I didn't respond, putting up a blank face and an expressionless reaction. "Help to cheat?" The bitterness was vivid in my tone.

"Technically I'm just copying." He shrugged, sealing his nice gestures with a smile.

I didn't respond, instead began filling the sheets with whatever I had memorised. I was pretty sure Edward was copying my work, eyeing my papers every now and then. I didn't hide it from him for some reason.

Surprisingly I did better if not worst on the test, and was almost the first one to hand it over. I could already tell Marilyn rolling her eyes at me mentally. I headed outside the class and without choice Edward handed over the test too, tagging along, outside towards the almost empty corridors.

"Hey," He breathed, surveying the ring in my fingers, now and then. I ignored him, unable to contain my emotions again.

"What's the matter, Michelle?" He began again, moving towards me and grabbing my arm but I instantly pulled away from his touch.

"Just don't," I said, my voice coming out weaker rather than angry, cracking in the process.

"What?" He frowned, the obliviousness on his face making me only more upset. "Why?"

"I just can't do this." I shook my head, not meeting his gaze, so he wouldn't see the wetness in my eyes. After a few beats of quietness, I took that as my cue, walking away in the opposite direction, but he followed.

"Michelle stop." He reached out to grab my hand again, but I didn't budge.

"Please don't." I snapped.

"Why are you running away for no reason? I don't even know what happened and I know you're hiding things from... All I'm trying to do is be better, fix everything but in the end, this is what I get in return?" He spoke dryly, and I was shocked by the tone of his voice.

I could already see some of my classmates watching us keenly at the end of the corridor. "We're not talking here."

"Okay then come with me," Edward offered, understanding the situation. He took the staircase route, expecting me to follow him. I don't.

"Please," His voice came off as desperate. He stood at the end of the stairs, staring at me with beseeching tired eyes.

"I'm leaving you," I finally spoke, after gathering and saving all my courage. I didn't meet his gaze, unable to keep myself together, and without waiting for his answer, I walked past him.

"Michelle," I heard the cracking of his voice follow me, as he stalked me climbing down the stairs. "I don't understand what did I do..."

I didn't reply, walking out hurriedly. Scenes of me running away from Hayden back in college replay in my mind, feeling like this was all a repetition of events. My breath hitched in my throat as the memory flashed before my eyes, and I almost tripped myself while climbing down.

"No you're not leaving me like this," Edward stopped me again firmly, standing in my way. "I want to know the reason why you're leaving."

For a split second, I could almost swear I saw Hayden in him, just by Edward's different manner of speaking, only fueling my fearfulness. My eyes lingered on him for a while, before I sped past him, almost running away from his reach, with tears streaming down. 

And this time, he doesn't follow back.