I was six when one of my friend's dad brought me with them to the circus. I was most entertained by the joker. I was howling the loudest with laughter. Now, at 35, I do not need a circus, my life has become one and I certainly do not wish to go see a joker - maybe a therapist but joker? No. Because I resemble one, my red runny nose perfects the look. I can stare into the mirror and cackle at myself, trying to crack a joke.

I zoom into the bathroom mirror and make an effort. It goes in vain as I find no laughter on my face. All I see is a puffy face staring back at me, carrying in its eyes a sadness speaking of loss. A shuddery breath leaves my lips. I stumble towards my slippers, knowing what could ease the pain in my heart.

"Candy! I need candy," I mumble like a mad woman to myself.

After five minutes, I am standing in Death's hallway. Yes, they showed me around each hole and hall of hell, persistent that they have duties and I will continue to visit them. That was death number ten. Dejectedly, I walk forward, take a few lefts, a few rights, open a few doors - to pry - and eventually, I knock at Death's door.

The door opens briefly before it is thrown shut in my face. I hear Death's exaggerated groan followed by them opening the door with a sarcastic smile on their hood-covered face.

"Welcome, Leif. You have surpassed the point of any formalities like knocking. I won't say 'feel at home.' This is your home. Maybe I should move out," Death taunts.

Not in the mood to humor them, I go to the single cushioned chair - thank Death - in the room and sit on it with my feet propped up. "Shove off," I spit and hide my face between my face.

"Leif."

"..."

"Leif."

"..."

"I will play on the screen each of your embarrassing deaths till day if you keep ignoring me."

"You are so annoying," I wail without showing them my face. Such a pathetic play of emotions on my end, but what have I got to lose? Death must already see me as a case of ball and chain. "I am so tired of dying." A minute passes before Death's response comes in the form of a loud laugh. The sound echoes around the room. I gape at them. "Why are you laughing like you have just now heard the funniest thing in your entire existence?"

"Because I have just now heard the funniest thing in my entire existence."

"Death, please."

"What? You are the first person to ever say they are tired of dying, not living."

"Just send me back."

Despite not having seen how Death looks, I am very sure they have a resting bitch face but after spending so much time with them, I have come to read the slightest changes in their body language. The barely noticeable back-and-forth movement of their cloak gives them away. Maybe the movement is the fluttering of their eyelashes. There is a high possibility they are searching my face for any clue as to why I am upset. Yes, they were aware of my sullen mood. Unfortunately, the time with them gave them an equal opportunity to know me as well.

"Did you get mauled by an army of sloths or did you sneeze so hard that your life exited through your nose? What did you do this time?"

"I didn't do anything and that is the issue."

"Okaaay. And"

I cannot help but shake my head fondly. "You are such a gossipmonger. Want to sip on tea while we knit together?"

"Leif?"

"Okay. Alright. My partner wanted us to go on an adventurous trip," Death's eyes bulge, "where we would have played multiple sports in the sky, in the water, and on the land." The dark orbs continue to widen as I count the three elements of nature. To settle their worried mind, I finish in one breath - "ButISaidNo."

Death releases a sigh. "Wait! How does that connect with your death?"

"That asshole broke up with me. Said I am plain old Jane. Boring. Regular John. Nothing speci-"

"LEIF! How does that connect with your death?" Suddenly, they glare at me in horror. "Did you...?"

"NO. Are you fucking dumb?!" Death closes their eyes in clear relief and I whack them over the head for the dumb comment. "I was so sad, I thought candy would help me. Immediately, I sprinted to the nearest vending machine. But the bar got stuck and the stupid machine wouldn't give me candy, so I shook it a little. In that shove and pull, the machine jumped on innocent me." I sniffle at the end. Today was too much.

"I am sorry you did not get your candy."

"And what about my man? I lost my man."

"He lost you, not the other way around."

I am stunned into silence by Death's words of comfort. Of all the times I am here, this is the first time we are serious. There is a heaviness surrounding us. I am heartbroken and this feared entity is collecting my pieces, trying to put them back together without a manual. The quietude is not comfortable like always, it is suffocating. I speak first to give Death a break. "I cared about Dolos. Five years is a long time."

"Don't hit me for this but you trusted a guy named Dolos?"

"What's wrong with his name now?"

"Leif." Their face holds incredulity while saying my name. "The Greek God of trickery, his name is Dolos."

I am not in the mood to banter today. I am not in the mood for anything and I relay the message indirectly. "Send me back, Death. I want to go home."

"I'm a bit drained at the moment. It will take me a while to recharge. Sending someone back isn't as easy as having them move on, you know."

Is Death asking me to accept my fate without actually speaking the words? Are they too tired of me? A switch goes off in my mind and I am hit with a realization. The incident with Dolos is heartache but if Death - my only true friend probably - turns their back on me, it will be heartbreak. The thought causes me a big amount of distress and again we retreat to silence as I keep mum.

"Leif, why are you so quiet? I will send you back, I promise. Bear with me for some time, please."

"It is nothing. I sometimes question my sanity. Can you believe I died 9 times going on adventures, taking risks for someone else? Doing a sport that scared the bejesus out of me because I was challenged? I do not understand my affinity to risks. And let us not forget the 6 random deaths including today. 15 years, 15 deaths. Only if I spared 15 minutes in total thinking about things before jumping face-first into them."

"Maybe you need better friends in life."

"Like you?"

Death chuckles in amusement. "You want to be friends with Death? You are really risk-prone. Anyways, I was talking about people who would cherish your life."

"Aww, are you getting mushy?"

They turn sober in the blink of an eye. "I enjoy having you here. You are a refreshing change in my dark existence, but it pains me to see my favorite mortal dying on repeat."

I never imagined any universe in which Death and I will be having a heart-to-heart. They are vivid in their descriptions of how they feel. In turn, I cannot help but be thankful to them for reversing the hands of the clock multiple times so that I can live. Now that I am more attuned to my senses and notice our surroundings closely, I feel an unknown emotion in the air. Concern. It is palpable and overwhelming. Yet I cannot muffle the nagging voice at the back of my head. I lose control and blurt out - "You will not tell me to move on?"

"Move on? What?"

"To the afterlife."

"No, Leif. Unless your time comes," Death flinches at their own words. "I cannot disturb the balance of nature."

"How much time do I have?"

They grin at me. "Enough time to die multiple times."

"Give me a count."

Without missing a beat, they reply - "For you, a thousand times over."

"You read it!" I giggle at the image of Death reading The Kite Runner.

"Of course! I told you I would. Now you tell me that you would too."

"I already read it."

"No. Say you would take better care of yourself from this point and not waste your life away."

And lose one of my best friends? Never. I cast my eyes toward the floor, not responding. We stay noiseless even after Death opens the portal to my home.

See you soon, my friend.

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Since I got busier than I thought I would be, my schedule is already messed up. Hence, I decided to publish the remaining chapters over the course of the next three days.

Vote your love and comment your thoughts!
Thanks!

~ April 'Appy' Skyes